I don't how to make a man happy, there is just something missing in me, says DH

[DreamyParentoid]

We are married. Have two beautiful girls, 2 yrs and 9 months. A lovely, if messy, home, and our relationship is tragically empty on the inside. He says he is in a living hell. That he looks back and sees how much happier he has been in other relationships that were filled with life. That I am just totally taken up with the kids and don't have time or energy for anything else. He doesn't get a look in. No cuddles, the kids get it all.

But I do everything, all the housework, kids meals, most of the childcare. H provides really well. He sleeps in a different bed because he doesn't want to be woken up by breastfeeding sounds and to get a good nights sleep.

It is not the first time he has said something like this. But he doesn't want to split up. He has just given up hope of it being any better. It has all just come up for him. But I'm not to worry. It'll be better soon because he will put his feelings back in a box.

Shit, shit, shit.

I have arranged to see a counsellor which has really helped. But I don't know what to do. Part of me wants to try and be all the things he has said he'd like. Then the other part knows that I am those things if he was nicer to me. He wants more physical contact but I find it hard to be nice to him when he is being so difficult. Then I think if I can just get strong and be myself and get through this bit then we can sort it out.

I just needed to say. I've got to take daughter to nursery now and make it look like I haven't been crying.

This all sounds melodramatic, but it does help to say it in this dramatic way!

xx

So you were the adoring student who hung on his every word, and now you're not. But he's not letting that adoration go easily: he expects to be adored, to be bathed in adoring light. You must know that this is his show and everyone has walk-on parts to the main man. You must know to take his supper to him while he watches a Very Important Television Programme. Lucky programme to have important him as a viewer.

He thinks that children (walk-on parts) should be forced to sit at the table. But not him, no: ordinary rules don't apply, he is above the law. You should just know in your bones what he wants, and craft your life around him.

Everything you have to say is dull to him is it? How dull he is. And now you're driving home and can feel yourself clicking back into place. Bravo! Bravo!

I honestly think you're not going to be making much headway with him. He has form, he hasn't learnt from it, just picked an impressionable young woman to maintain his infatuation with himself. Sorry, he sounds very french. I appreciate that will offend to lump all french men into one group. But it's my experience. Something happens to them at school, as Bonsoir says.

(I can't claim to have had 47, 48 relationships with foreigners, but I did marry a man who came from a culture that has a deep and unwavering belief that a woman's place is to bow in worship before her man - he hid it well until I was up to my neck with children. We didn't last. There's not a lot you can do with cultural beliefs so deeply embedded, though I certainly tried - and have the scars to prove it . He was young. I really don't think you'll have much success with changing someone with such an entrenched and monstrous ego who is older, been around the block, not learnt a thing. This is how he is and always will be - can you weather it? Can your kids weather it?)

OP, you are glorious! More than a match for him.

I think he knows it.

x-post - sorry to rain on your parade Dreamy! Took me an age to write, loads of interruptions.

Sounds like your engine is kicking back into life - bravo! bravo!

What Bitofkipper says

Does this thread have to be about Bonsoir?

Sorry Dreamy, if he was suddenly going to be receptive to changing it would have happened during or after his first marriage.

Do you think he wants to change? If not, why not? What's he getting out of your unequal marriage? Why would he want to change that?

It's all your fault remember? There's nothing wrong with him.

Hope you are getting lots of sleep and rest OP because you are about to embark on a long exhausting journey of banging your head against a brick wall.

You cannot change him.
Only he can change him.
IF he wants to.
Or if he wants to.

I am wishing you all the best of luck, but I fear you will need it.
I hope I am wrong x.

Just to say chatted to friend today who suggested having my bags packed waiting for another onslaught was in its own way Victimy. Suggested waiting for kids to be in bed, explaining what I wanted (counselling, 3 most important things...) then saying I would go away for the weekend to give him time to think about it.

Liked this. Plus non violent communication coming up as a good tool to learn.

Working through what r the things I really need in this.

X

Beware of counselling with him Dreamy. It is generally not recommended for emotionally abusive men who use the insights gained in counselling as further ammo for their manipulation. I have seen first hand how an emotionally abusive man works to get the counsellor on side to further reinforce his needs, control and manipulation. It can be very destructive.

Counselling on your own is an excellent idea, to gain support and strength and to work out your thoughts more clearly.

Is it being a victim to decide you've had enough of being treated like a doormat? Packing bags is a very clear statement of where you are at. But utterly pointless if you are not going to leave obviously.

Wow - he has really done a number on you. He is abusing you so badly you can't even see it and your 'friend' is buying into it as well :(

Dreamy, do be careful if you try to get him to change at all. As others said, it's not likely he'll want to change, or even be capable. As you said yourself he doesn't want to delve into himself to start with. And he rejects that interest of yours.

You are in danger of becoming obsessed with ways of changing and in glorious arguments with him. You can't win arguments with such people. They won't listen, will reject you and manipulate the obvious to get where they want.

You'd be locked in a weird power struggle that you can't win because you're kind and he's not.

By all means give it a go for a while, with a very clear head and watch his reaction. You will need to take a step back to see his crap for what it is.

Importantly, you have to draw a line for yourself and stick to it. What will be your breaking point? Otherwise you'll find yourself in 20 years still going through exactly the same power struggle. Is it worth it?

I wouldn't have counselling with a man who said nothing I say interests him.

He says his life is 'a living hell' when you are doing your best to be amenable. What's it going to be like when you switch off the adoring lamp and he's left in outer darkness?

It doesnt bode well, does it.

And if he seriously thinks that it is a "living hell" to have a home-made fish pie served up for him (which he couldn't be arsed to leave his computer to come and eat at the time it was served up), then he really ought to start watching the news a bit more.

Dreamy, how would you feel if he announced tomorrow he was leaving you?

Hmmm, relieved, but sad.

Interesting day. Spent day with lots of family and spoke about situation with some. Got support for places to go and stay. Took a long time to get home, went via beautiful spring to put a prayer out for a mum of 4 we know who is in intensive care after a v v bad car accident. Connected to the good things that are beyond the street lights.

Came home to find dh had tidied kitchen, emptied dishwasher and apologies for having been 'abusive recently'! I said simply that I didn't want to feel controlled anymore. Started to say that I knew he didn't know he was doing it. He said he did know he was doing it and ok to stopping...

Obviously can't really bit that easy!

Hoover manoeuvre, or a genuine seeing of the light? Only time will tell.

He said he knew he was abusing you?

Well, he talked the talk, I think you have to now see evidence that he is prepared to walk the walk.

Just don't let yourself be fooled and observe carefully how he proceeds.

Is he on mn?

Hi dreamy hope you are doing OK. Not much to add except you sound lovely! And surely as a teacher understand about discipline of children going back a bit to an earlier comment you made.

I understand the cultural thing but I don't think that explains everything. I'd be the first to acknowledge some startling cultural differences between the UK and other European countries which my DH and I still fall out over sometimes but that doesn't mean they are better or worse people. This guy has treated you very badly not because he's French. Twatty behaviour is twatty behaviour and that's all this is.

You deserve love and respect from your life partner, not belittling. I hope you find a resolution that works for you soon.

Is he on mn?
It did cross my mind. His reaction does sound like he is private to at least some of your thoughts. Are you safe on the internet?

I don't think he is on mn. I told him that his behaviour is verbally abusive several times. Somewhere through the projections he must have heard that.

And he wouldn't have to be a genius to work out I'd like him to empty the dishwasher!