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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Feeling really desperate

77 replies

batterylow · 15/11/2013 11:48

I have posted on other threads and had my own about revenge affairs but I am struggling so much I need to talk to someone in the same boat. My husband cheated with a colleague five months ago, he drove to her house twice and had sex with her. I have looked her up on facebook, she is not particularly attractive, looks intelligent though and normal enough, I just keep obsessing over why she would do this. After lots of counselling and talking, I have his ideas on what happened for him but for her I just don't get it. She is older, has a good job, very educated , why would she knowingly wreck my life?

I do know this is all about him choosing to do it I just find this anger towards her harder to deal with , I suppose because his life is as wrecked as mine, I think he has and is being punished but she has just walked away and nothing has changed.

Anyone know how to stop obsessing ? What if I bump into her one day or see her name somewhere like she is a friend of a friend or something like that on facebook? I don't think I could cope. Please be nice, I am feeling really down I think I feel worse than I did initially. I can't bear the thought of feeling like this for years and it never being gone.

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Original poster

batterylow · 15/11/2013 11:49

I had a young baby at the time and a disabled child, she knew this.

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Lulu1083 · 15/11/2013 11:57

One piece of advice really: Accept the fact that some people are nasty, selfish pieces of shit.

You're taking it too personally at the moment; which may sound like an odd thing to say given the impact it's had on your life but bear with me. She didn't think about you, or your children, or what problems this could cause for your husband if discovered. All she thought about was herself and what she wanted. It's sad that there are people like this but it's true.

Original poster

batterylow · 15/11/2013 12:01

Thanks, yes I am sure you are right. I just keep thinking what did she want?! It seems she ended it as was unhappy with it just being sex perhaps but I am guessing. Or maybe it was just sex she was after which makes me feel even sicker, I just can't believe he went through with it.

I have since slept with someone else and been on dates and a bit more with another man and I enjoyed the attention but it was very hard too in some ways, I just cannot imagine being able to do what he did. The problem is my self esteem is so battered that I keep wanting interest from other men or reassurance or something. I am really such a mess. Dh is too which makes me angry as he chose to ruin his own life.

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Original poster

batterylow · 15/11/2013 12:05

I am trying to see her as irrelevant too if that makes sense. She is really because it was the flattery and ego boost he wanted. But it's so hard, you are right I am taking it too personally that does make sense to me. Also I keep thinking she may have seen pictures on facebook of me and the children, our wedding day etc, how could someone be so cruel?!

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Jan45 · 15/11/2013 12:55

Because she's a nasty piece of work and I'm afraid so is your other half. Stop thinking about why she did it, she did it because she could and it's not personally against you, it was between him and her and for whatever reasons they had, they decided it was worth ruining your life over. I'm glad to hear your husband is suffering, I hope he suffers even more for what he's done to you and his family.

I also think it's up to HIM to help you get over this and it doesn't sound like he has or is.

Absolutelylost · 15/11/2013 13:01

I have to face the woman my DH slept with at my tiny village school twice a day. Sometimes there are only 4 of us there - we totally blank each other. It's mortifying. Everyone in the school knows. They've both moved on and got new partners but I'm left with this every day and I don't know how to get over it.

Original poster

batterylow · 15/11/2013 13:06

Jan45 he is honestly doing all he can, its just nothing really helps as what I want is for him not to have done it.

Absolutelylost that sounds so awful, poor you. What is wrong with people that some quick fling is worth so much misery?

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Jan45 · 15/11/2013 13:08

See from reading your post it almost felt like you were left in your misery and he wasn't helping otherwise why else would you be feeling so wretched but I take your point he actually is helping you so if I was you, concentrate on that and try your best to not even give her head space!

I do think though if you still don't know why he did it, then you need to be having more talks with him until you actually feel you can accept what has happened, you may not of course.

passedgo · 15/11/2013 13:15

Have you considered getting back together with ex? Was he just being an idiot temporarily or is it a permanent thing?

Original poster

batterylow · 15/11/2013 13:16

I can see why you thought that, I think its because I feel I can't accept his help. I feel he has really changed through this, and I don't want to excuse his behaviour,it was disgusting but there were lots of issues we both have which are now being addressed via counselling. Depression and low self esteem , rushing into things, me being unsure whether I loved him etc etc that led up to it. Still doesn't mean he should have done it but I can see how something was going to give at some point, just never thought it would be that.

I just feel very alone. He is encouraging me to see friends now and I know this is hard for him as I cheated on him immediately after and have contacted people I shouldn't since but I do think he has my recovery as priority, for the children as well as me. I don't think it would make me happy to make him leave, I know he will do whatever helps me but I just can't allow myself to be helped by him as he has hurt me so badly and that leaves me very vulnerable. And if I do recover from all this I may hate him for putting me here in the first place.

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Original poster

batterylow · 15/11/2013 13:18

Passedgo, we are still together. No one knows except one friend and the men I cheated with. And her obviously.

I think I am rambling and not making much sense, sorry. Went out last night to cheer myself up but the hangover has made me feel worse. The chat with friends did help at the time though even though they don't know my situation.

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BrickorCleat · 15/11/2013 13:24

why would she knowingly wreck my life?

I'm sorry there isn't a kind way to say this but she didn't knowingly wreck anything; it wasn't about your life, she probably didn't give your life a second thought.

Once you accept that, and realise that you are in charge if your life, not her, not your DH, and make healthy choices accordingly, you might find peace.

If you take actions motivated by revenge or the thought if what a stranger did with your husband, chances are they won't make you happy in the long run.

I hope you find peace.

passedgo · 15/11/2013 13:25

Has he changed for the good?

Original poster

batterylow · 15/11/2013 13:29

Thank you. I know she didn't stop to think of me or my children but her actions threatened our stability, the consequences could still be catastrophic on our lives yet, I don't feel very well mentally and have so much to deal with with my oldest child's needs and health that I am not sure how things will go, I am certainly not as able to deal with the pressure as well as before this. And I suppose my pointis, she should have thought about what she was doing to little children because that is the reality. And she is intelligent enough to have known how serious the consequences would be for the whole family. Personally I couldn't deliberately threaten a vulnerable family's stability like that. I just don't think it would take that long to work out how serious it could all be and yet she chose to do it regardless.

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 15/11/2013 13:30

She didn't wreck your life, he did. She can shag who she likes... he was supposed to be faithful to you. If you've taken him back and are now trying to blame the colleague I'm sorry but I'm not surprised your self-esteem is on the floor.

Original poster

batterylow · 15/11/2013 13:30

Yes he has grown up a lot I think. The stuff that made me unsure of whether I had made the right choice by marrying him has gone but the minute I think well of him I start thinking of what she must have seen in him and it makes me feel so sick its almost self preservation to hate him.

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 15/11/2013 13:31

"she should have thought about what she was doing to little children because that is the reality. "

They are HIS children. HE should have thought. HE knew what he was doing. HE was intelligent enough to know the consequences....

Original poster

batterylow · 15/11/2013 13:32

But is it ok then to shag a married man? I don't think it is. I'm not saying he was ok to do it and I am more upset with him than her, obviously but I don't believe she is blameless in this, do you really think it is not her responsibility at all?there are lots of single men out there who wouldn't turn down a quick shag, why not one of them t
It's easy enough!

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Original poster

batterylow · 15/11/2013 13:33

Yes yes yes to all of that. His behaviour disgusts me (and him now) but hers is bad too, there is no getting around that IMO.

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toffeesponge · 15/11/2013 13:33

Absolutelylost - my heart goes out to you. I found it hard enough at school when I had no one to talk too - now I don't care - but you must feel so betrayed. She should be the one feeling uncomfortable. You did nothing wrong. You can hold you head up high and not even note she is there. Just look through her if you find yourself making eye contact.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 15/11/2013 13:35

It may not be OK to shag a married man morally but it's not illegal and... being blunt... no-one can force or persuade a faithful man to act unfaithfully. He went along voluntarily, cock twitching with anticipation.

It is not down to 'the sisterhood' to police other women's menfolk. He found one woman, he'll find others.

crazyhead · 15/11/2013 13:38

It won't have anything to do with cruelty, or indeed with you full stop. She'll have been thinking about herself - which is what most of us do most of the time, only in her case, she's stepped over the boundaries of decent behaviour in doing so. Affairs can be very intense and tend to sweep away other, more reasonable emotions which is why the trick is to go nowhere near them in the first place.

There may be lots of mitigating factors for her - she may be going through a horrendous life crisis herself, and really thought she was in love with your husband - she may go on to feel terrible guilt about this later. On the other hand, she may be hard as nails and do this sort of thing regularly.

I am afraid I speak from experience - I once got involved with a married man in the aftermath of the breakdown of my own relationship. To be honest, my life was so awful at the time and I was so distressed (and was worrying about myself, my own ex, and the married man I was involved with who was a close colleague) that the wife of the man I was involved with didn't feature in my mind initially for one reason - I didn't know her.

However, I am not a hard or cruel person, and if I look back on what happened, the pain caused to the wife is now the aspect that upsets me a lot and a lot of the other emotions I felt at the time seem unreal now.

I hope that I'm not out of turn speaking from my own experience, and that you get to move on from this. You deserve for this period of time to be about you and what you want from your future - thinking about this woman is ultimately a red herring.

Original poster

batterylow · 15/11/2013 13:40

Right, you have given good advice in the past but I have to say, you are dangerous. I have just said how low I feel, I am desperate, this is the title. I am vulnerable. And what you just said there was extremely aggressive and could be enough to set off a panic attack or worse. If you really believe that people have no responsibility unless it is them who is married then you have very different views to me. I would not be able to participate in something that had the potential to do this to a family, to small children's lives. Yes he did all that (thank you for giving me such imagery)but she did too, that makes her morally wrong too IMO.It is not acceptable behaviour. And please please be careful because you have no idea what effect a post like that could have on someone.

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Original poster

batterylow · 15/11/2013 13:43

Thanks crazy head that makes sense. I do know its not helpful to think like this, I a
So know she probably had issues that led to her doing this, which helps a bit. What I need to do is stop obsessing, that's what I hoped this thread was about and venting my anger in a less damaging way.

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 15/11/2013 13:44

Sorry... it's just that it's a bit of a hobby horse of mine. I've been the wronged wife before now. I know how much it hurts. Like you OP, and like a lot of others, I thought that having a ring on his finger would magically ward off women like garlic wards off vampires. But of course it doesn't. Fidelity is down to the integrity of the man wearing the ring... not the morality of the random others that choose to ignore it.

If he was keen enough to drive over to this woman's house on several occasions, how do you know he didn't relentlessly pursue her? (MM IME can be very persistent) Why do you think she was the one doing the chasing?... Because he told you?...

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