Feeling really desperate

[batterylow]

I have posted on other threads and had my own about revenge affairs but I am struggling so much I need to talk to someone in the same boat. My husband cheated with a colleague five months ago, he drove to her house twice and had sex with her. I have looked her up on facebook, she is not particularly attractive, looks intelligent though and normal enough, I just keep obsessing over why she would do this. After lots of counselling and talking, I have his ideas on what happened for him but for her I just don't get it. She is older, has a good job, very educated , why would she knowingly wreck my life?

I do know this is all about him choosing to do it I just find this anger towards her harder to deal with , I suppose because his life is as wrecked as mine, I think he has and is being punished but she has just walked away and nothing has changed.

Anyone know how to stop obsessing ? What if I bump into her one day or see her name somewhere like she is a friend of a friend or something like that on facebook? I don't think I could cope. Please be nice, I am feeling really down I think I feel worse than I did initially. I can't bear the thought of feeling like this for years and it never being gone.

I agree, if you've made your point then leave it now, write the letter and burn it. Gets it all out without losing any dignity. IMHO you're still dealing with the fallout. Your wounds are still very much open through counselling, revenge behaviour etc and only once this is resolved will you begin to forget and be able to move past it. Maybe set yourself a timetable. Agree to deal with it for say another six weeks or whatever you need, then try to move on. Rehashing will constantly keep it fresh in your mind.

I would love her to leave the country! She may do too as she is only over here for a temporary job. I wondered briefly if I should stalk her then sleep with every man she meets but a-not all men are as stupid as my husband and b - it would probably be a bit weird

Oh please don't get in touch with her again and don't send her any pics of your children, I know your head is all over the place but seriously don't waste your time and energy, what has your husband said about you contacting her?

TBH, this obsession with this woman is just distracting you from the real culprit. It sounds like a coping strategy to avoid reality.

Yes a time plan could help. I did a similar thing when in my dating site phase. I was a bit high from it then though, all the adrenaline and stuff but now I am definitely low. My confidence is so low I feel even my friends don't like me, find work hard and constantly question myself. It has shattered me. I have dealt with lots of bad stuff happening, I never expected life to be fair but I really didn't see this coming.

Jan all he has said is please don't because of work and because he worries I will regret it. He understands because he has been tempted to contact the man I slept with but he thinks it won't help. I don't think he is hiding anything, he was so brutally honest at the time he told me that it has made me very angry just about that, I wish he didn't tell me. Lwelgi yes I think it is another distraction to avoid it just like the dating sites were. They were a more fun obsession though! I wonder if I need anti depressants sometimes.

You need to step back. You say your anger is directed at him, but to me it comes accross as being directed at her.

You can't change what has happened. These things happen all the time all over the world and when questioned people won't always have the answers to why they did it. I think sometimes sense really does go out of the window and lust takes over !

You can now only do two things.

The first is admit that you can't cope with this and are unlikely to be able to going forward. If that is the case then you need to take steps to split and continue with your life.

The second is to forgive and work on making your relationship better. It may take lots of therapy to do this but you cannot go on like this as its very destructive.

I know, and I don't want to be like this. I can't really forgive what he did, I don't think it was forgive able and so I don't think it would be right to. But possibly I can imagine accepting one day that it was a big mistake and he has changed as a result. I just don't know and its probably too soon to tell. I know that I am not in the right frame of mind to make a big decision like that though. I have spent five months intent on hurting him, so angry with him that I gave him details of sex with another man, I have done and said some very hurtful things. I feel angry at her too though, I don't think that's unreasonable in the circumstances because her life is unaffected by this misery. I almost don't want to talk about her anymore as I feel like I've got a bit of it out of my system though thankfully, on this thread.

I fully understand you pain because I have been through it.

However if you don't think you can forgive then you have to move on and start again. Your relationship will be full of this ongoing anger and destructive behaviour (your sleeping with other men was destructive and probably not the right thing to do).

Its not a crime to admit that you deserve better. I couldn't forgive my ex wife to be my partner again but I have since forgiven her and she is now good friends with me.

Yes it's hard to know what to do. He isn't who I thought he was because that person wouldn't have risked it.

I think a lot of people have probably experienced this who keep quiet about it like I have, it must be very common but I don't want to always feel my life is some rubbish version of the one I had thought I had.

Yeah I can't sleep with other men as a long term solution. Although the actual dating bit did cheer me up, nice chats, wine, flattery, all very nice but I was so vulnerable it was lucky it didn't go very badly and I can't take that risk.

Sorry you went through it by the way, how long ago?

12 years ago. It was tough for a while but you do come out of the other side.

I think sometimes it's easy to live in a bubble and think life is perfect and then boom! This happens.

It happens such a lot though and it taught me that relationships are not perfect and from time to time people will be fed up and get tempted. Not everyone crosses the like but I can see how it happens. Looking back I actually partly blame myself as the marriage had become stale and it was 50% my fault.

Batterylow, I think your relationship is understandably under a lot of strain and somewhere you need to bond again with your husband. If that doesn't happen soon it looks as though it never will.

Is there any way you can get focused time together to really thrash this out? It's eating you up and the further you drift apart (I mean, you hate him right now) the harder it will be to re-bond.

Betrayal is tough, I guess you have to decide whether he is worth all this suffering and get through it. If he's not worth fighting for, if in your hear of hearts you think you will always hate him, leave it now.

So hard to make that decision feeling like this though. I suppose I just don't know yet. I think its my best option for now.

Maleview, glad you have recovered it is an awful thing to go through. I went through it with my ex and in that case it ended the relationship but it took me a year or so to come to that decision and by the end I felt it was his weakness not any fault of mine, this time it feels like its me because its happened again. It's very hard to see any further ahead at the moment. I just am wishing my life away.

It's still not you, although you may want to be more alert to any possible cheater's red flags. (not even sure if there are any, as for abusers, apart from having cheated in the past, or being too flirtatious with other women?)

Regardless, I think you are damaging yourself more than the actual cheating by your reactions to it.
Your self esteem might well benefit more if you decided you won't put up with his behaviour and that's it.

You are not responsible for how other people behave, only for how you respond to it.

Blimey merlincat, your bitch experience trumps them all. She mopped up your tears and you trusted her and supported her through HER breakup and then shags the very person that is most precious to you! Quite astounding behaviour, verging on the pathological.

Merlincat we have chatted on sn boards (have name changed for this) and I am really sorry to hear that. Interesting, my dh mentioned getting new wedding rings, wonder if that's why! That really is a terrible betrayal in both their parts.

Agreed I am damaging myself but I think that's the result of this, that's how it has affected me on top of everything else. I am stuck though because my children need two adults around and that makes me even more angry because I feel trapped. I don't actually want to split but I feel I couldn't even if I did.

Thank you. Mine are quite little so it can actually be dangerous at times being on my own with them as the oldest is very violent. I think it would be five to ten years before it would really be manageable and even then I am not sure as it depends on the older ones health and behaviour. My dh looks after us well or I thought he did so it would be a lot to give up in practical terms, not just financial but managing day to day. And I struggle with the idea of all our friends and family knowing as its left me feeling humiliated. I know that's not especially rational though.

That's really tough on you if your dd is affected by it. I suppose the plus point with mine being young is they are in bed every night by seven so we do get time to talk without them around. Do you still feel undecided like I do?

And yes I have also said several times hope it was worth it for twenty mins excitement! But he always says no nothing was bla bla, I mean actually though, it was bloody obvious this would be the result or far worse so how could that not have occurred to these men? I really hate him sometimes.

I think that's why I cheated, I thought well fine why should I show self control , why'd shouldn't I seek a bit of comfort then. So I did. And I don't regret it at all but its hard to know how to replace reassuring effect it had on me (temporarily)

I heard that 90% of SN parents end up separating. Men just can't hack it, it grates at there core, in conflict with their need to successfully pass on their seed. Don't quote me but I have heard that psychologically they can't take the genetic defect aspect. I say this because I am an SN parent and have read up loads of helpful and unhelpful books about it. I think that was one of the unhelpful ones.

Counselling might help - for him perhaps?

Yes he is having counselling, he is on a list for cbt.

I have been so tempted to tell friends, I went on a date up the road from a friends house and felt dreadful she didn't even know any of it so had she seen me, would have been very shocked to see me with someone other than my husband and hurt that I didn't tell her! In your situation though, the so called friend must have been very unpopular as must your husband!!