Feeling really desperate

[batterylow]

I have posted on other threads and had my own about revenge affairs but I am struggling so much I need to talk to someone in the same boat. My husband cheated with a colleague five months ago, he drove to her house twice and had sex with her. I have looked her up on facebook, she is not particularly attractive, looks intelligent though and normal enough, I just keep obsessing over why she would do this. After lots of counselling and talking, I have his ideas on what happened for him but for her I just don't get it. She is older, has a good job, very educated , why would she knowingly wreck my life?

I do know this is all about him choosing to do it I just find this anger towards her harder to deal with , I suppose because his life is as wrecked as mine, I think he has and is being punished but she has just walked away and nothing has changed.

Anyone know how to stop obsessing ? What if I bump into her one day or see her name somewhere like she is a friend of a friend or something like that on facebook? I don't think I could cope. Please be nice, I am feeling really down I think I feel worse than I did initially. I can't bear the thought of feeling like this for years and it never being gone.

"And please please be careful because you have no idea what effect a post like that could have on someone."

If you're having a mental crisis please go see your GP or call Samaritans.

Sorry but she won't care about threatening your family life stability or your children and whether you or me like it or not lots of women having affairs with married men don't actually think it's their responsibility, they think it's the married man's and it is really. You're talking morals here and perhaps she doesn't possess any. She'd only lose him if it all feel apart, whereas he risked losing you and his children - see the difference?

Honestly, I really think time will be a great healer. And the more things that you do for yourself to enjoy life - whether that's seeing good friends or doing stuff you enjoy, the more this woman will fade into insignificance.

I think what will come to the fore over time is what you feel about your husband and the whole course of your relationship, and after that, what you really want for yourself.

She wasn't wrecking your life, you probably never even entered into her thoughts. She was having a couple of 1 night stands and your husband was wrecking your life and would have thought of you but still done it anyway.

No he didn't, I haven't said he told me that, he in fact was brutally honest which I am still reeling from. She initially flirted when drunk at a party then he emailed her, he said let me come over now. It is shitty, awful behaviour and I am under no illusions about that. I just disagree that she holds no responsibility , I don't think like that, I would stop myself just like I have done more recently when married men have tried to pursue me (through my mad dating site stuff)

I don't for a minute excuse what he did and blame her, he treated her very badly too if she was interested in a relationship which I suspect was the case, she is lonely etc. I'm just saying I want to stop obsessing over her, I hate feeling this level of hatred for her and I am furious that he has put me in that situation. It is not something I can help at the moment.

I am not in mental crisis I don't think, I am not suicidal anyway but I am extremely low, sometimes when people are very depressed they lack the motivation required to make that gp call or they feel its their own fault and no one can help. I am not saying that is me but it could be, or it could be someone else on one of these threads.

What I am saying I guess is, I think it should have entered her thoughts. She is neither young nor stupid, it doesn't take much thought to realise she was causing damage.

Yes his behaviour was appalling, and yes his children were his responsibility. I am entitled to feel angry that regardless of knowing he had small children (the youngest was ten months) and a wife, she still did it.

I hope time helps, I really do. I wonder if this is what life is because over and over I seem to have to drag myself through things and then start again from scratch. But maybe I am depressed, it certainly all feels very pointless right now and its hard to know what's going to last and how long.

You're angry with the wrong person.. Very common psychological pattern for someone to obsess about something else when they are failing to address the real cause of their pain. He's in your life every day, smiling at you across the metaphorical breakfast table, saying his life is wrecked and .... guessing..... you want to keep the family together so you've made the commitment to counselling and you may feel you can't really go for him the way he probably deserves. But she's an easy target..

Thanks toffeesponge - it was made even worse because for two years we were best friends, she and her husband used to come over almost every weekend.

It's so incredibly painful. I know it's not my fault but makes me feel so shabby.

battery my heart goes out to you, I can feel the torment through your posts.

Stop cheating, dating sites, looking for reassurance in other men. You are behaving as badly as they did, which may give you a short term ego boost but will not help your self esteem at all in the long run. It can also be addictive, and may harm your chances of working things out with dh.

If you're sure you want to carry on with the marriage, the best way to fix this big mess is firstly to pull together and start working as a team, try to be happy together. Takes all the power away from the ow that you're currently giving her by letting her live rent-free in your head. She doesn't matter. YOU and DH matter now. It will take time but soon you won't think about it very often.

Secondly look at yourself. Is there anything you'd like to change/always wanted to do? Even something as little as a makeover or a diet, taking a class or a red letter day etc. Will make you proud of you, best ego boost you can get IMO

Honestly , I am angry with him. I know he had the choice etc etc I really do. I know I have the option to split I am just not convinced its the best thing for anyone. For now I am trying to knuckle down and raise my children well, look after myself and I can see he has realised how disgusting his behaviour was. He has been taunted with me shagging other men, seeing my emails , all sorts of stuff because my head is a mess, he knows this is his fault. He has lost over two stone, he hates himself but none of this helps me so I should see that if I could punish her somehow (and I can't and wouldn't ) then it wouldn't change the fact that he did it, it is just bloody hard to deal with the anger. The anger to him I can deal with by telling him, with her I can't. It's almost a phobia that I will see her somewhere, it makes me not want to go out sometimes. I am having help with it but it is hard to live like this.

Believe me I know its his fault, my anger is and has been directed at him. I would far rather just forget her I just can't.

Thanks lulu I am trying to focus on me, I went away with a friend last weekend and been trying to get a walk in each day too as it does help. The dating sites are addictive but I have stopped now. I think that they filled my head so I didn't have to face what happened but now the distraction is gone its harder. I wasn't going to go back to work but I have because of this and it does help a bit I just find myself stuck in this cycle of obsessing and I hate it. I had hypnotherapy and cbt but don't think I had enough.

A lot has come out, I had never told him a lot of stuff about my past and neither of us had fully dealt with the disability stuff. We have been brutally honest about everything and there have been moments where it seemed to be going better than before but I guess that's all part of it as now I feel back to square one and I don't really know why.

You can't forget her and you won't forget what he's done either. That's the crux of this particular choice. 'Forgetting' is not on the cards. Dealing with the memories is the harsh reality.

Have you got a counsellor for yourself, not the marriage? Struggling along in a marriage which doesn't feel right, you are going to need some support. Could help you work out whether you truly want to stay.

I think life would be unbearable if I didn't carry on with the marriage, I wouldn't manage the children for a start and I mean that seriously, not just in a I have no confidence way. So my options really are to stay and carry on but live separate Ish lives, focussing on the children-this may sound crap but plenty do it, to try and re build the marriage and start again, or to split but have him live nearby enough to help till the children are in bed each day.

Have you said anything to her? Maybe you should. Tell her how disgusting you think her behaviour was. Will get it off your chest as it seems like you're still carrying it around. Even if you write a letter then never send it.

Yes I need more counselling I think I will ring and ask to be referred for cbt. He has because of some serious stuff that came up when we were in relate counselling. I need to too, he has been telling me to but I have been putting it off, its almost as if I need to suffer to make him suffer for what he did.

Ultimately, if I can't deal with it the marriage can't survive, I know that but just can't see a happy way forward with it really, this was my second chance and I'm still struggling with the loss of it.

I sent her a picture of the baby and explained that the older sibling has a disability, said life in our house is very stressful but we were managing. No response (thankfully as I bet it would have felt worse to speak to her)

Keep being tempted to message her or her friends/family on facebook but I know this would probably not end well for me and I think maintaining dignity on it is the best approach it's just so so hard.

What are you seriously expecting from her? An apology? Remorse? Leave the country? Be really careful because there could be a lot of things that your DH hasn't told you and, if you persist in going after her, she could potentially take legal steps to keep you away.

Are you still with him?

I am not going to. In reality I can't as I have chosen not to tell people so I don't want to risk it somehow getting out, it is just the horrible feeling of wanting her to suffer, her future to be affected as mine is. I am not saying I think this is right just that is how I feel. I hate feeling like that about another person, it is not me. And I am very bitter that I am reduced to that.

Yes still with him.

It seems that you are, or trying to keep the marriage, but it's clearly not healthy.
You seem to be sort of shooting in all directions, and fighting with yourself to maintain the marriage, when, regardless of how the marriage was before, he chose to cheat, and you seem to grasp to straws to make sense of it, to punish him, as the other woman involved.
The idea of her, or of meeting her, etc, can only be more painful if you choose to stay with the cheater.

I do think that the healthiest for you would be a clean break.

sorry, cross post.