i am gutted the doctor wants to call social services

[superdry]

i have posted previously about problems i have been having with my dh, he is abusive and threatens violence, although so far has never hit me but has pushed me, threatens to chuck me out of 'his' house etc etc.

Following advice on here i contacted womens aid, following their advice i went to see my doctor to report it, so it is officially logged - i guess for future reference if need be and also to talk about my options in terms of counselling etc.

Now doctor has just rung me and informed me they have discussed my case and the protocol is to report to social services because i have young children in the house, although i have explained they are in no way in any danger, i am absolutely gutted and bitterly regret involving the doctor.

anyone have any experience of this, or any advice much appreciated, but please not a chorus of LTBs, i can't cope with that right now and i am trying to convince DH to go on a course to sort out his issues

GP called SS and police when I took my niece to talk to her about self harming and sexual abuse. It was very early days, DN had just starting opening up. We had asked GP not to call yet. Ripped the family apart. It seemed to give her dad time to get family members on side as my niece hadn't been prepared for reactions. Her mum didn't believe her. I believe had the doc given DN time to get stronger and more able to talk, the outcome would have been very different.

To be fair social services and the police were fantastic. The problem was my DN wasn't ready. I hope Op that your experience with SS is as positive as ours was.

superdry I recently spoke to a mediator who made a referral to SS. Different situation from yours - we're separated, concerns were different. i proactively phoned SS myself after hearing that. For me, talking to SS was a real moment of enlightenment. Prior to that, I'd seen this as me interfering in his parenting.

Ultimately SS were more interested in what i was doing about it, rather than listening to me moan about what's going on. As long as the DCs have a parent who is protecting them, they won't get involved IME.

Whether or not you LTB is not the issue here - acknowledge the impact all this is having on your DCs, and think about what you're doing to protect them (and if LTB is the only way to do that, then it is something you need to consider). It's not rocket science, but it is what SS want to hear, and rightly so.

I have also just looked at some of the OP's old threads. The situation is horrific and he is already abusing the children. I think SS need to be involved in this case. She is not protecting them, it is as simple as that. It is not victim blaming, she has been given lots of encouragement and advice over many threads. If she is unable or unwilling to protect her children then other agencies need to get involved. The children's need to be safe comes before not offending the OP in a case like this.

No-one here is victim blaming and it is unhelpful to state any such thing.

If anyone is to be blamed here it is surely her H for abusing her and by turn these children.

I have not said OK it will be fine, and I have advised her to read the advice on here

I dont want to shit stir, and for that I truly apologise

But I take umbrage at how people have inferred that she risks having her kids taken away from her

they will take temporarily your children as you have sided with their abusive father.

Do people really mean well when they post that? Is that supposed to be fucking kind??????

I am guessing social services will leave you with a choice. your husband or your children. They have to protect those most unable to help themselves and that will be the children but they will give you all the help, advice and encouragement you need to protect them yourself. part of which will be getting them away from the abusive behaviour, physical or othrwise.

From what others say there will be an assessment of the situation and that is the next step.

It is a distinct possibility, and if it's the wake up call the OP needs, then yes, people do mean well!! Every single person who has posted on this thread has replied with the welfare of both the OP and her children in mind.

But she does risk having her children taken away, would it be kinder to the OP not to tell her this risk and have her posting here in a few weeks distraught that this has happened? If I was at risk of having my child taken I would damn well want to know so I could take every step to prevent it happening and posters are advising her of those steps.

In my opinion it is the opposite of victim blaming to tell the OP she has no obligation to this awful man, that she and her children deserve better and that they need to leave.

It would be more victim blaming encourage her to stick it out, get him help, as if she is somehow responsible for his awful behaviour.

Are you worried about his reaction OP?

How much of your time is spent walking on eggshells?
Do you ever think 'God don't wind him up' if the DC's are being boisterous or rowdy?

It's not just the acts themselves but how you live your life in order to placate an abuser. You can be free of it. Please see this as our opportunity.

OP you've said here that your relationship hasn't yet become violent.

I think pushing someone, and pushing them out of bed counts as violent.

I think that a two year old being called a retard by her father is being abused, directly, not just witnessing their mother being abused.

I really feel for you because you are obviously in huge denial about all of this. I really hope that SS becoming involved opens your eyes.

superdry have you spoken one on one in confidence with a counsellor about what is going on?

and really lay on the line how your husband treats you and how he treats your dc (refer to your earlier threads) .is he always nice as pie to them? really?

does he ever critisicise them, call them names, get annoyed and lash out verbally or otherwise over typical small child behaviour?

please call womens aid and talk it thru if your gp wont refer you to counsellor to speak face to face.

you need someone to reflect back to you whatyou are describing.
you need to realise that the times he is "nice" really dont make up for the nasty

ss can help you and support you here if you let them.

if they see you are protecting your Dc and dont need their help then they will keep a step back.

I was reported to SS by an estranged family member who wanted to hurt me.

My (our) biggest advocate at the 3 meetings we had was our GP. He was 100% behind us! knew the accusations were false! held meetings and wrote reports to support us. He was awesome.

My dh is also a GP (and we are nowhere near where we lived at the time we had our problems). He has involved SS on (very limited) occasions when he felt it was necessary. And also goes to every meeting with every patient as their advocate (even if he was the reporter) because he knows how important it is that you have someone who knows the whole family there.

Your GP has done what he/she regarded as best for your family - that's part of their responsibility of taking you on as a patient. They never do this lightly - the decision probably involved any other doctors in the practice and any nurses too.

Being in touch with SS is ghastly (feel free to pm me for our experience). We later found out from my best friend as a SW that yes, it's true, they have to investigate a % of middle class families too. We ended up as one of them (and after that I'm pretty sure I'll never talk to my mother again as she was the (false) reporter).

It's awful, but your doctor us doing what he's legally obliged to do and what he thinks will be best for your family.

Oh here we go with the don't victim blame - yeah instead we should all be saying it's all fine, apart from him being an abuser towards the OP and his children, everything else is normal....

These posters with their finger wagging victim blaming recitals really are causing more damage than good, just go away please.

OP, the more I read, the more upset and shocked I am that you are still there and I really hope that Social Services can get you to finally see sense.

and rather than think of op as "victim" think that you can be a survivor - playing victim implies op has little control or way out - she does.
she has taken first steps posting here
she has gone to gp
she can be a survivor and advocate for her children

in the end abusers are just bullies who are insecure...op you dont hAve to be beaten into submisison by this man. he is not holding you hostage - only the views that you "must stay together as a family" are holding you right now....you are stronger than that.

even if you view a separation as temporary while he attends these "courses" would be a better way to look at it.

I went into a refuge for a while after leaving my abusive ex. I wasn't ready to leave him,although I knew I had to for my sake and the same of my son, so I went back. When I told the staff at the refuge that I was going back to him they told me they would have to report it to SS, as it was reason to believe my child was living in a home where there is abuse. I accepted this.

I stayed with him for another 7 months, and in that time nothing happened. SS did not come and take my children away, they didn't even call. I eventually left him for good nearly 6 years ago.

Your doctor was doing the right thing. Like it or not, your children ARE in danger. You may not think he would ever lay a finger on them,,but did you think he would ever abuse you like he does? I doubt it. And even if he never did hurt them, hearing their dad yell and shout at their mum, and watching their mum walk on eggshells so as not to upset dad, will damage them emotionally.

I hope in time you will realise what you need to do. Take care.

She is at risk of losing her kids. This seems an on going problem . There is no point is sugar coating the truth not to offend the op. It's wake up call she needs.

I don't think any one has purposely has been unkind at all. A lot worse could have been said.

Yes, fromparis I did/ do mean well. The OP minimises now her DH's behaviour, she doesn't want to leave him. Well, it is siding and as we know from OP herself, he is abusive. So what did I say that was untrue?

fucking hell

You know what - if you are frustrated that the OP isn't following the course of action, that you have decided, based on posts on the internet then just don't post. The OP wanted reassurance and experiences of what happens when SS become involved. Maybe she is worried that she will have her children removed - I can't say if that will or will/not happen, but hopefully it will mean that she gets the support that she needs and if her DH is accepting, the help he needs too.

FromParis I suspect from your naive responses that you have very little personal experience of DV and children.

OP my children and I have been involved with a DV specific team from SS for 3 years. They are not evil child catchers but they WILL expect you to step up and be a 'protective parent' fir your children. This will involve leaving your marriage and if you chose to do that, they will support you and your children as you rebuild your lives.
If you chose NOT to be a protective parent , they WILL act. I know it's hard. I know it's scary . But SS will help you to see clearly. You and your babies deserve so much better than this.

I know of someone in exactly the same position as you op. She lost her children because she wouldn't leave her abusive husband. She has supervised access now and no husband because he turned it around and blamed all the abuse on her!! Be warned op.

The problem with DV and child protection is that the woman and the children are on different timescales. Women need time, gentle support and understanding to be helped to leave an abuser. Children need protecting immediately.
Working in child protection with victims of DV is fucking hard. Do you think most social workers want to victim blame? Or place the responsibility for stopping the abuse on the shoulders of the victim? Of course not. The majority are aware of what a shitty, unhelpful thing it is to women coming to terms with the fact that they have to end their relationship and are also aware that the woman is probably way behind where they need her to be to take action. But what alternative is there? Leave children in this mess because the woman isn't ready to take action? Allow children to be party to foul and abusive threats of violence because the woman hasn't come to terms with it yet? That's impossible.
In my local authority the OP would be referred for individual work with a worker from the local DV charity I. Order to support her to process the truth and the aftermath of leaving the relationship and accepting that he is abusive. She would get a lot of support as long as she left him. If she doesn't leave him, child protection proceedings may well be initiated and this may also include legal advice or application for a care order, depending on the level of risk. That's the stark reality and although yes she needs support, she also needs to take that into account. Social services need to protect her children and sadly, because the OP is currently enmeshed in the dynamics of an abusive relationship, she's not able to do that herself. Minimising the risk and impact on the children is a fairly common trait of DV victims and it's a way to reconcile the two realities - wanting to remain in the relationship yet wanting to keep the children safe. However it's a case of cognitive dissonance/denial because the children are not safe. It helps nobody to pretend that they are.

nowehere, and never have I condoned the abusive behaviour
nowehere have I said said it not an issue, or minimised it

However by pointing out that some of the posts on here are, how can I say, worded in a less than compasionate way, I am then accused of telling her to accept the abuse?

cant you see that whilst you all care, your posts lands as unkind, and in some cases bullying. all the while this woman is being bullied....

if you want her to listen, dont shout at her

and yes, I must be naive, as I am fucking horrified that rafts of abused women have their kids taken away as they are clearly too fucking scared toi report their abusers. speechless

Paris, that's not exactly the case, but for obvious reasons, it's not really a great idea to go into specifics of what might or might not cause children to be taken (mainly because I would imagine that, aside from extremes on either end, very few people on mumsnet would actually know that information) I am sure that OP is doing and will continue to do everything in her power to keep her children safe - even if it does involve some painful realisations about how safe they are right now.