i am gutted the doctor wants to call social services

[superdry]

i have posted previously about problems i have been having with my dh, he is abusive and threatens violence, although so far has never hit me but has pushed me, threatens to chuck me out of 'his' house etc etc.

Following advice on here i contacted womens aid, following their advice i went to see my doctor to report it, so it is officially logged - i guess for future reference if need be and also to talk about my options in terms of counselling etc.

Now doctor has just rung me and informed me they have discussed my case and the protocol is to report to social services because i have young children in the house, although i have explained they are in no way in any danger, i am absolutely gutted and bitterly regret involving the doctor.

anyone have any experience of this, or any advice much appreciated, but please not a chorus of LTBs, i can't cope with that right now and i am trying to convince DH to go on a course to sort out his issues

[Lweji]

Not taking the moral high ground, but I ended up leaving home because ex had started to get physically abusive with me and at some point threatened DS as well.
Has your OH ever threatened to take your children?

Hopefully, SS will assess him, but you must not lie to them and not minimise what he does. If anything happens you may be likely to be seen not to protect the children.
You do have to be there for them, if you don't want to leave for yourself.

It is not safe for them, because they can easily be caught in the cross fire if he becomes more violent (pushing is violence). They may well have already heard the threats he makes to you. That is not a healthy environment for your children. And you should not live in fear in your own home. Nor should they.

You should also seek legal advice. In the event of a separation, the person who is responsible for the children may be entitled to use the family home until the children leave home, or at least are legally adults. The house being "his" does not give him automatic rights to kick you out.

I know breaking up can be scary, but if you start imagining how relaxed life is without a bully in the home, it may well become easier. :)

[superdry]

BooYa68, thank you too for your support, i agree, i feel WA should have warned me this would happen, and it is OTT

[hellymelly]

I am not finger wagging, but every single woman who leaves an abusive man would say they wish they had done it sooner, not that they should have give it more time. Many of us here will sadly be speaking from experience, not out of a desire to judge you, but a wish to help you from the other side. A life in fear of another person is not a happy family, I am not afraid of what my DH is about to do or say, and if I was then my dcs would feel it. Why notch up more time with someone who is highly unlikely to ever change, when your dcs are the important thing? There is no point in keeping a family together when that family is based on fear.
I have no personal experience of ss, so I can't help you, other than to say as others have, that they will focus on the dcs and their safety.

[LEMisafucker]

I went through a really shite time with my relationship with DP about 5 years ago, it did get physical - but it was from both sides, never a hit though, just pushing and screaming at each other. It is absolutely shit and was shit for DD to witness that and I am ashamed. We both knew it had to stop - we had to stop it or we had to separate. Hopefully this has brought things to a head for you and your DH - Having SS step in may well be the wake up call he needs, make him realise that this is not normal, it is not OK. I don't know if it will or it wont but if it does, thats brilliant, if it doesn't SS will be able to help you then as well. I would be telling a lie if i said it didn't affect my DD, she gets very upset if there are raised voices, i know that I am responsible for that and its not a nice responsibility to bare, but we ARE a happy family now and my DD feels loved and safe, but had things carried on the way they did, she wouldn't have.

[Lweji]

In fact, the threats themselves are violence.

For example, from Woman's aid:
"In Women's Aid's view domestic violence is physical, sexual, psychological or financial violence that takes place within an intimate or family-type relationship and that forms a pattern of coercive and controlling behaviour"

[basgetti]

Hi OP, sorry you are going through this.

I have two examples of friends who have had SS involvement. One of my close friends was assaulted by her partner earlier this year, and she called the police. The police had a duty to inform SS due to her DC being in the house at the time. However she kicked her partner out of the house immediately and requested bail conditions that he couldn't contact her and so SS were satisfied that she had taken steps to protect her DC and closed the case.

A few years ago I was in a refuge and made friends with a woman there. She had initially refused to leave her partner despite his abuse and she was told that if she didn't co operate and go into the refuge her DC would be taken into care, and the baby she was expecting would be taken at birth too. She eventually agreed to go into the refuge but her reluctance and her attitude meant that her children were placed on the at risk register which she found extremely distressing and intrusive. Sadly she was found to be sneaking the DCs to see their father and the children were at one point taken into foster care. We lost touch so I'm not sure how things worked out but the point is you need to co operate with SS and be seen to protecting your children.

Good luck.

[Lweji]

And, yes, as helly said, if anything, I wish I had got out sooner.
I have no regrets at all about leaving.

[showtunesgirl]

I'm afraid they are legally obliged to report it OP.

One of my other jobs is medical roleplay and in one of my scenarios, I had to play a woman whose injuries didn't correlate with her story. It then turns out that her husband injured her and threw something at her which narrowly missed their child.

Every single student, no matter how sympathetic or competent they were at helping me with my injuries were failed if they did not tell me that they were obliged to contact SS.

Ethically and legally it comes under a child protection matter where the child cannot legally speak up for themselves so SS has to intervene.

I know you may think this is heavy handed but doctors are obliged to do this.

[fromparistoberlin]

oh wow

what a nightmare, and for all those that have posted "my friend had her kids removed as she would not leave her abusive DH", I get it...but smacks of condoning victim blaming!

OP, I get you are scared/shitting yourself as it must feel like you have opended the floodgates here

But....the fact that you are (a) posting here and (b) speaking to WA and (c) went to see your GP speaks volumes around how sad you are

my guess is (like many of us) is that you see your DH as a good father and dont want to break up the family, I suspect you might feel very guilty

DONT, he is the bad person here

the people you need to listen too are those that grew up in these houses, the "children" as it were. SS can help you understand how it might affect them.



I have no advice other than to open the door to them, talk and be honest

and if MN does not help you, read the books, and try and not be so scared of breaking up

sending lots of strength your way xx

[basgetti]

And it isn't OTT. The dynamics of abusive relationships means that sadly the parent being abused isn't always in the best place to keep their children safe or protect them. It is sensible for there to be protocols in place to ensure that the welfare of children is paramount when allegations of abuse come to light.

[DrinkFeckArseGirls]

Of he's going to throw you out of 'his' house, what happens with the children how is that not abisive to them?

[DrinkFeckArseGirls]

Well at worst, they will take temporarily your children as you have sided with their abusive father.

[DrinkFeckArseGirls]

At least temporarily...

[tummybummer]

Do you know that by staying in an abusive relationship, and saying things like they are 'safe' and 'not harmed in any way' they will view you as being part of the problem?

It's too late to ask what to do - SS are involved now and they will be looking to you for your reaction, to work out if they want to work with you or against you. If you want them to work with you then be honest, be open with them, don't hide anything, don't backtrack, don't try to smooth things over or mitigate the seriousness of the situation - and work with them to make an exit strategy for all of you.

There is no way they will accept your word that the children are safe despite being in an abusive environment. Abusive environments are not safe - they are deeply damaging, and you may think that you are different but you are not. You're saying all the things that they will have heard a thousand times from a thousand abused women. :( A member of my family (now) was adopted into our family after coming from a background like yours - the mum loved her but refused to leave the husband, and SS couldn't leave the children in that environment.

[Mabelface]

You've had lots of advice over the last year or so, especially when you'd posted about him calling your daughter a retard for potty training regression, and the fact that he does get angry with the kids. I really can understand the not wanting to rock the boat, and the fear of doing it alone, but your kids are having relationships modeled for them by both of you. You've taken the first step, which is a massive positive and the start of the process of you admitting how bad things are. Please don't be defensive here, as there are many women who will give you wonderful practical and emotional advice.

[DrinkFeckArseGirls]

Erm, how is most of your life calm and normal? Why did you then call the women's aid and the GP? People in normal, healthy relationships don't need to do that.

[BerstieSpotts]

Drink I think that's self evident. No abuser is Mr. Hyde all of the time.

[WallaceWindsock]

Definitely Basgetti. In my case and many other women I knew during that time abuse sort of immobilises you. You are ao used to it, it's never constant so you still have nice times, laugh etc and you don't ever feel that it's bad enough to do anything about. I can remember near the end standing behind DP with a frying pan in my hand. I was so conflicted. Part of me wanted to bash him to death, part of me wanted him to see me with the pan and maybe then he would hit me, and maybe then I'd have the proof that is wasn't all in my head and that he was a horrid man that I had no choice but to leave.

I found myself reading threads about women in far more physically abusive situations than me to justify why I was staying. You know, god I'd never put up with that, I'd leave if it was that awful". It's only when you have removed yourself, which you have to do based on a gut feeling and little more, that the fog begins to lift and you realise what it was really like.

Even if you believe he can change, you have to remove yourself to allow him the chance to change. I doubt he will but you are all stuck in a horrid cycle and he currently has no motivation to break it.

[Chippingnortonset123]

All contact with SS will involve written reports about you and your observed circumstances. You would do best to be completely honest. This has now been flagged up and the school will be aware. I don't know but it might be an idea to tell your husband that you are now part of a system.

Would it be possible for him to move out in the meantime? That would be my advise for the time being, for all of your sales.

[PhantomMenace]

I was a victim of domestic violence, SS were automatically involved when I contacted the police. SS came and did a risk assessment on myself and the children, they spoke to him and looked into his background. He had a history of violence and a lot of things I didn't know about him until they told me.
I too was reluctant to leave him at first which obviously gave them massive cause for concern, my children were then placed on the at risk register and I was warned any further incidents my children would possibly be removed.
I listened and left, they were extremely supportive of my decision and gave me as much help as they could. He then moved onto a woman with children and had a child with her too. SS found out and gave her the same warnings they gave me. She didn't leave and her children are now in care.

My advice to you would be, be as direct open and honest as you can be with them and if they give you any kind of advice or instruction follow it to the letter, the end results will not be in your favour if you do not.

I have to say I thought like you and that my kids weren't affected since he didn't yell or hit them either. It's only after I got away and saw how much they changed and came out of there shell I realised how much they actually were affected. It's like a ten ton weight being suddenly lifted from your shoulders. My son still remembers my ex smashing up the house and he was only 2 at the time.

[fromparistoberlin]

i feel very tearful for the OP

she is having a fucking shit time, and I suspect in time she will get to a place where she realises that she can, and should live without him

But its not easy, as we all know.

so stop victim blaming her, she is not stupid, she is just struggling to find her way. she knows she has a fucking problem, hence her calls to WA and GP

people threatening her is just really cruel IMO

OP good luck, I know you are pissed off, but when its quiet , read what people say without reacting if that makes sense

xxxx

[FriendofDorothy]

It's hard and it's not what you expected but it should provide you with the additional support that you need.

Good luck.