My wife just had an affair

[Upsethusband]

Sorry I am not sure if men can post here but I feel like I need the advice of some women as I am so confused.

Background I have 2 children with my wife, 9 and 3 and we just got married in July. This Saturday after a number of suspicions I decided to look at my wifes email and found a number of emails from her boss, also a good friend of mine. Most were of his body but one fully naked holding his p.

I confronted her about these and at first she said he sent it by mistake but after time admitted that she was seeing him but it isn't an affair, it was only groping and kissing.

She said it ended a month before we got married but after reading her texts it started up again and they were continuing right up until the weekend.

They have organised trips to be on with work colleagues, parties and events so it doesn't look suspicious that they are away together but every time they have used it to snatch kisses and time together.

There messages discuss being together and also when I am away so they can book hotel rooms. They both insist there was no sex and whether there was or not I don't feel like it should make a difference.

I am so upset as we only just married and she said her vows with him in the room and he was there giving me a hug congratulating me after. I feel so let down and deceived and believe it would have become sex if I had not confronted them.

I don't know what to do, I want to leave but I am worried about the impact on my kids and whether I can ever be intimate with her without thinking of them together.

I don't know whether to let her off because there was no sex or consider it worse because there is so much emotion involved.

I asked her to show me the entire phone history so she threw her phone in a river. I now don't know how close to our wedding it ended, started again, whether they spoke on the day, whether they spoke since I found out and what actually was sent.

If I am not meant to post on here being a man then I am sorry but if anyone has any advice then I would love to hear it.

Thanks

"The children are 9 & 3 - any decent man would not care if they were biologically his children or not...."

I'm sorry, but you are naïve. The vast majority of men would care to know, and the vast majority of men are decent, so as a man I reject your backhanded shaming attempt.

I am not saying he should abandon the children, but it is silly to think a 'decent' man wouldn't care to know if his children were really 'his', if there were any reason to doubt.

I think anyone'd want to know, the truth is important.

Thank you Hissy. I'm not sure what it is that ChippingInLovesAutumn is having trouble understanding about this.

Hi Upsethusband,
I too am so sorry to hear what has happened to you - I was on the receiving end of exactly the same thing & I have to unfortunately agree that the throwing the phone away says it all - she didn't want you to discover the extent of her deceit.

Looking back, in my case, my big mistake was to believe all the garbage about it only being kissing, emotional, no sex etc etc....I put myself through nine months of hell whilst wanting to believe he wanted to work at our marriage. He even came to relate & through the whole period, was still seeing her, still lying to me and still telling her that our marriage was over.

The other posters are right - she is gutted and embarrassed by getting caught, and the thought of having to face up to her actions.

I honestly think I should have made my husband leave there and then - becuase I still think he may have been shocked into realising what he was throwing away. What I actually did was to 'forgive' him and let him carry on deceiving me and being unfaithful.

So I do agree, maybe a separation is the right thing. She needs to reflect on her actions, realise how much she has hurt you. And if YOU decide to try again, she must be totally open and honest about the whole thing from day 1 - tell you the whole story, be prepared for you to question her, and be prepared to win back your love and trust. Believe me, you will soon know whether she is or not.
Any attempts to conceal phones, email or any other communication means one thing - she is still seeing him.

You have my thoughts & very best wishes. I hope it works out for you. x

I kinda know when she's lying..........sorry. You don't.

Ola - it might be all about the money for you, it wouldn't be for the men I know. I am not having any trouble 'understanding' your point of view (but thank you for the patronising comment ), I simply disagree with you about what makes someone a 'decent man'. I'm not naive - I just happen to think that loving a child and being a parent to a child is more important than who the sperm came from .

Hissy - it's one thing to 'want to know' - just to know, it's quite another for it to be 'the first thing you would do' if you found out your wife had been having an affair and for it to have an impact on the child support you would pay - to support a child you supposedly love.

ChippingInLovesAutumn why would you assume the woman would get custody? She's working, she should be leaving the family home... she should be paying the support, neh?

It shouldn't matter who has fucked who, and who has been fucked up

What happens to the children should be what is best for them

Oh I agree chipping, it wouldn't be the first thing i'd think of even, but sooner or later i'd need to know the truth. And yes, i'd not stop loving them either, whatever the outcome.

Ok, as a woman, i'd know if I gave birth or not, and wouldn't be in a position where i'd need a dna test to determine who the father was, but I am a person that needs to know the truth, or it'd niggle at me.

Did you get my PM btw? We've both namechanged again and I don't know if i've missed the boat :-\

And the cheat needs to leave. Always.

I hope he does sling her out. It'd do her good.

Wow - sorry I didn't meant to create something so heated.

Okay listen, I don't want people to overly judge her, I do know her better than others, I don't know her for recent actions but I am certain this is the first time and this is not being naive.

Also the kids are definitely mine, they look ridiculously like me, no paternity test needed.

It is an awful situation and I appreciate the support but please lets keep this calm. I don't want others arguing with each other here.

She has admitted this evening she threw the phone away because there is a text telling him she loves him.

It is all so confusing but I don't think I need to automatically think the worst of everything but I also don't have to believe her.

I think the best thing is as people have said, a short break where we clear our heads and figure things out.

Now - deep breath :)

Decent men do support their kids, most men are decent.

Ok, leap of blind faith here as I have no-one in my life to base this on, but I know not all men are bastards.

Yes, she should pay him child support, and yes she should only get every other weekend and learn what consequences are.

I'd say the same to a woman with a cheating male.

There is a cheater's script, and there is a script for betrayed spouses,

A clinical approach is best.

Love, this is Mumsnet! We discuss, we feel strongly, it's all fine! It's nothing more than's going through your head atm! :)

You don't tend to tell someone you've never slept with that you love them.

Don't believe a word of what she says, tell her to get the texts retrieved, tell him to show you his phone/emails perhaps, then you'll consider hearing her out.

You have to go hardball here, trust me.

I know this is bewildering, but try to detach from the emotion, look at the facts and trust your instincts and gut.

This is all about you now, and what you want to do.

But you do have to do something, letting her stay is the worst thing you could do.

i think they were probably having it off.
i know i would have if i'd had all those opportunities. certainly when i was young, i know i did.

onemorechap - did you not read my post?

ChippingInLovesAutumnTue 12-Nov-13 21:59:30

The children are 9 & 3 - any decent man would not care if they were biologically his children or not. He is their Dad & that's what counts - including financial support should they split (though I think he should keep them if he wants to - it wouldn't be him breaking the family up).

Hissy - yes I did, but I've been having a little trouble with them but I'm hoping it is fixed now :) Will get back to you tomorrow night - just off to shower & bed now. I totally agree with wanting to know the truth otherwise it would niggle away and I think the child is owed the truth as well, but that's not what Ola was getting at and it would not be 'the first thing I would do'.

Mist - yes, of course - but all things being equal, I think the cheater should be the one to leave the family home and lose out on living with their children.

upsethusband - I hope you can see that you don't know her as well as you thought you did :( She has now admitted she lied to you again, cheaters wont admit more than they are sure you know... she is not going to tell you that she has slept with him until she is forced to. I don't think it matters that much now anyway tbh - she has lost your trust and she told him she loved him - far worse than 'sex' in my world.

"She has admitted this evening she threw the phone away because there is a text telling him she loves him."

Well then they were shagging. No doubt about it.

And there was more on the phone that she still hasn't told you about.

A truly remorseful person would have been honest with you a long time ago.

She is still lying you you and the drip-feeding of the truth she has done is just out and out cruelty to someone who has just found out they have been cheated on.

Every new lie is another stab at the heart of your marriage and your ability to ever trust her again.

She is STILL all about herself at the moment.

If she gave a flying fuck about you she would not be carrying on in such a ridiculous way and making this whole thing about how SHE feels.

OP I am so incredibly sorry this has happened to you. And it HAS happened to you: she chose to cheat. You did not do anything to make her, so please don't start to blame yourself. And nope, no sympathy for her. If someone is unhappy in their relationship they should end it, not sleep around within it. It's entitled, cruel and selfish. It doesn't make someone the devil incarnate but it does make you wronged, and don't let yourself be persuaded otherwise.

I'm afraid she's lying about the extent of the affair. They always do, sadly. Not that it matters - as you say, it's a technicality in the greater scheme of things. I suppose what really matters now is where you go from here?

How do you feel, and what do you want to happen next, given the reality of the situation as it is?

ChippingInLovesAutumn - "...I simply disagree with you about what makes someone a 'decent man'..."

Ergo, in your opinion, a man in the OP's situation who wants to be sure that the children are his and finds that important is not a decent man. Thanks, that's clear now.

Of course knowing the truth is what I was getting at - knowing the truth about the true extent of his wife's dishonesty. Perhaps you need to read my original post again, and more carefully this time, as you also missed the fact that I was putting 'myself' in the OP's situation rather than taking for granted for he should/shouldn't do.

My reference to money/CSA was a side issue, to illustrate to you that there is also 'practical' justification for wanting to know the truth, and please don't moralise to me about what it important. When the relationship fails, the money is always important, and I say we let everyone decide if they would like to pay for someone else's children without attenpting to shame. Don't you think?

OP - I'm glad you're happy the kids look like you.

OP has just found out his wife is cheating, his world has been blown apart, can we try not to argue on his thread?

It is possible the lies are from the shame, it must be really hard to admit this stuff, really hard, telling your husband of 3 months that you told another man you loved him.

I don't believe they had sex but I do believe it is not relevant to the argument anyway.

Ola, when did the law change? It used to be that fathers in that position had to continue to keep the children under the Children Act as "children of the family" regardless of actual paternity - has there been new legislation on that front? Genuinely interested as it always did strike me as very unfair on the poor men concerned. Though saddest, of course, for the poor children. Awful thing to do to them.

I do think people should listen to the OP and perhaps have the dispute on PM, though. This is his support thread and he's indicated he finds the arguing problematic and that paternity is a non-issue.

You need some time apart I think because living together in such a close environment as the marital home isn't going to help. Obviously you're frightened that once either of you have moved out then you'll never move back in but that's a risk you'll have to take. SHE has had the affair so SHE should be doing all the SINCERE work to save her marriage. She has not done that.

I'm so sorry you're facing this. Been there.

There's one very important question you need to ask yourself - could you ever trust her again?

If you can, and can ultimately make peace with what she's done, then you might stand a chance.

If you don't then it's time to look to the future apart.

Sorry.

"I don't believe they had sex but I do believe it is not relevant to the argument anyway."

Of course it's relevant.

How can you even attempt to try to recover from a betrayal if you don't know what kind of betrayal it was?

She is taking you for a fool asking you to forgive her when she is clearly not remotely sorry for what she did and not prepared to tell you the truth about what happened.

"It is possible the lies are from the shame, it must be really hard to admit this stuff, really hard, telling your husband of 3 months that you told another man you loved him."

Yeah, it must be hard.

But if you are truly sorry for what you did and if you have even a scrap of respect for the man you make a fool of when you married him while sleeping with his friend, then you TELL THE FUCKING TRUTH.

No, it's not important really is it, except from the honesty perspective.

How are you feeling tonight, in yourself? Are you managing to eat anything?