My wife just had an affair

[Upsethusband]

Sorry I am not sure if men can post here but I feel like I need the advice of some women as I am so confused.

Background I have 2 children with my wife, 9 and 3 and we just got married in July. This Saturday after a number of suspicions I decided to look at my wifes email and found a number of emails from her boss, also a good friend of mine. Most were of his body but one fully naked holding his p.

I confronted her about these and at first she said he sent it by mistake but after time admitted that she was seeing him but it isn't an affair, it was only groping and kissing.

She said it ended a month before we got married but after reading her texts it started up again and they were continuing right up until the weekend.

They have organised trips to be on with work colleagues, parties and events so it doesn't look suspicious that they are away together but every time they have used it to snatch kisses and time together.

There messages discuss being together and also when I am away so they can book hotel rooms. They both insist there was no sex and whether there was or not I don't feel like it should make a difference.

I am so upset as we only just married and she said her vows with him in the room and he was there giving me a hug congratulating me after. I feel so let down and deceived and believe it would have become sex if I had not confronted them.

I don't know what to do, I want to leave but I am worried about the impact on my kids and whether I can ever be intimate with her without thinking of them together.

I don't know whether to let her off because there was no sex or consider it worse because there is so much emotion involved.

I asked her to show me the entire phone history so she threw her phone in a river. I now don't know how close to our wedding it ended, started again, whether they spoke on the day, whether they spoke since I found out and what actually was sent.

If I am not meant to post on here being a man then I am sorry but if anyone has any advice then I would love to hear it.

Thanks

UpsetHusband - Sorry this thread seems to have taken a turn for the worst - please, please don't let it put you off. I hope you can just read through the posts that are relevant to your situation and take the advice that suits you best.

Trouble with such a heated topic as this is that it inevitably stirs up strong feelings, and people have a tendency to project their own hurt onto your situation.

We're still listening

ola - you are clearly hard of reading and I am not going to derail the OP's thread arguing back & forth with you. Any idiot can see that is not what I said.

Also I hate to say this, but I think you need to seek legal advice, just in case the worst does happen and you split permanently. If you both work fulltime and genuinely share care for the children, then you may want to look at a shared care arrangement, and if you move out you could jeopardise that by establishing a new status quo. I don't mean to sound brutal but getting your head straight on that front will help you move on to dealing with the emotional side with some understanding of what the realities of your various options are. (Obviously if one has far more responsibility for the kids, then it's in their interests for that to continue, whichever one of you it might be.)

Youre right Upsethusband - the sex isn't relevant - but what is, is her refusal to own up to it.
I realised far too late that unless your other half is prepared to tell you everything, without you having to extract it from them, they are still hiding things from you. Would she really tell this man she loved him if it hadn't progressed beyond kissing?
Please remember, you found all this out by accident. If you hadn't, it would still be going on. And however hard it is for her, it's not nearly as hard as it is to be on the receiving end of infidelity.

OP, I have been on the receiving end of this, and my advice would be that even if you want to see if you can repair the relationship you should ask her to leave for a while, so you both have some space to consider whether you can continue. She needs to feel truly sorry - not just sorry for herself for getting caught

By doing that you force her to face up to the awfulness of the situation she has caused and the potential consequences. There is no where to hide from it. Then and only then, will you know if she is really sorry and if you have a chance to repair your relationship.

Even if you dont want to seperate at this point - dont feel sorry for her and just let her off the hook - or it WILL happen again.

Upset don't worry about people arguing on here - it happens a lot, this is Mumsnet!

You blame yourself for a lot - that she strayed, and now that you have started a thread causing people to argue. YOu are feeling bad that she is upset, and now you are feeling sorry for her for having to tell you . What about you?

Sorry you are going through this.

"Yes, she should pay him child support, and yes she should only get every other weekend and learn what consequences are." no. whatever either party has done, it is never, never ok or acceptable to use the children as weapons with which to prove a point/show what the consequences are. ever. And the idea that anyone would even suggest this is utterly abhorrent.

Op - nobody on here can tell you what you need to do. People will always talk from their own experiences, and affairs do tend to bring out the very opinionated here on mn.

Ultimately what you believe is up to you, and what you choose to do is also up to you. The only thing I will say though is, when you choose to believe something, ask yourself whether you are choosing to believe it because you really do, or because you don't want to believe the potential alternatives. If you settle for what you want to believe now you may find that when things start to calm down and you start to think more rationally that your perceptions may change.

Nobody but your dw and the om know the truth of what has happened. Being told by anyone else that they have definitely had sex won't make that true or not, only she can tell you the truth.

She may be remorseful and this may be genuine, but the one thing I will say is that if she wishes to repair your relationship she will need to be completely transparent from now on, no more secrets or lies, only absolute honesty will suffice.

perfectstorm - the Child Support Act 1991 only requires the "parent" of a child to be responsible for maintenance.

A parent is: "...any person who is in law the mother or father of the child", so essentially you have to be a 'biological' parent or adopted parent etc. to be liable for Child Maintenance - the CSA doesn't make a man liable to pay Child Maintenance just because he may have been fooled for long enough into thinking the child his!..... although scarily enough, they do have laws like that in some parts of the US..... the mind boggles

Youre right Upsethusband - the sex isn't relevant - but what is, is her refusal to own up to it.

I'm afraid I agree completely. I see why people always do lie about this,but it does drag things out so much more painfully for the victim, and it is in itself IMO another illustration of the sort of selfishness that the affair either fostered, or was always there to begin with.

ChippingInLovesAutumn - ... yes, just as any idiot could also read my original post and understand exactly what I said.

Ola the Children Act supplements the CSA (it's how very high earners can be made to pay more than the CSA maximums, and also how children in university can seek support despite being over 18 from biological parents), and it states that support can be sought from step-parents, both within and without a formalised marital relationship, as long as the child has been regarded as a "child of the family". Contributions from a bio parent are taken into account, and so is whether or not the mother was honest about paternity... but there was ample case law, a few years ago at least, in which men misled on paternity had to pay full child support for the children they had raised in the belief they were theirs, even after repudiating those children, as the best interests of the kids was the paramount consideration. Of course the converse of that is that they have full parental rights of contact/residence too. Which I'm sure in many cases is fully pursued - people don't stop loving their kids because the other parent is a dishonest piece of work.

I didn't appreciate you weren't a family lawyer - obviously it's a very specialised and complex field.

Thanks perfectstorm - haven't eaten a lot but it will probably be good for me to lose a few pounds.

The problem here is she might of not slept with him, she might of too. I can't know for sure but if she definitely didn't and I keep pursuing it to the end I might be missing the point which is what to do next. This for me is why I don't want it to be relevant, like sex is the the line which is crossed which makes it bad.

It is already bad. I know that and so does she.

All the thoughts and opinions here are great. I wouldn't take custody either, she is a great mum, a better mum than I am dad in so many ways. I also work longer so she can spend more time with the kids and I can be there when they need me etc...

Now it is time for space and thinking but I do appreciate all the comments so much. I need to focus on giving the kids some stability and planning what will happen now.

Wannabe, why not? That's what is dished out to cheating men, time and time again.

Equality works both ways.

She broke her vows, his trust and the family to pieces.

He can be the main steady trustworthy parent. Why should he lose it all, cos she can't remember to stay faithful?

The best place for the children is in their home. Their father needs to salvage whatever he can of family life.

She needs to be elsewhere for a bit to look at her actions.

It depends upon the nature and quality of your relationship tbh. Are affairs a dealbreaker? They are for many but they are not for a sizeable minority. One question that is important - what does she get out of this relationship that she does not get with you?

I do understand that no single person can meet another person's needs entirely and completely. We all need different relationships for different things. But what is she getting out of her relationship with him that she does not get with you? This is not a friendship, with a beery kiss that is best forgotten. This has gone on over time.

By the way this comment below is dangerous and deluded thinking@

Also I do have a feeling she was manipulated, I know what this bloke is like, he has a track record.

You are thinking of her as the poor lil miss, likely to be manipulated by some Don Juan. That thinking is a big mistake. You need to work out what her needs are. You are not meeting them right now. Work on it with honesty.

You sound such a lovely person, OP. Once again I'm so very sorry you are in this situation, and I'm lost in admiration for your focus on what's best for the kids. I hope she meets you on that, for their sake. It's depressingly common for people to be too angry to do that - hence the mention of legal advice. But if you are sure she should retain primary care in the event of a split, then it isn't really necessary right away, no.

Weight loss is one thing, but it's very hard to cope with stress when not nourished properly. I know how hard it is to eat when things are like this, so maybe buy some nice soups and bread? Slips down easily, full of nutrients. It may sound daft but things look and are a great deal worse when you aren't eating at least something. You need to take care of yourself a bit - you've had a horrible shock, as well as the rest of it. Similarly if you struggle badly with sleep, there's no shame in asking a GP for a short, week or two week, presciption for something to help with that. This is a horrible time but the worst of it will pass, and more swiftly if you look after yourself as you get through it.

It's all very new and I don't think dwelling on what did or didn't happen right now is constructive, no, certainly if your instinct is otherwise. Probably getting through the next few days and giving yourself time to regain equilibrium before taking further steps would be a good idea.

Please, above all else, don't sit there agonising over what you did or didn't do. Infidelity is a choice, and you aren't the one who made it. You did nothing wrong. You're allowed to be human and flawed, we all are, your wife included. You aren't the one who did anything to the other and please don't allow yourself to fall into anxious wonderings on whether you could have altered her choices in life. She's her own person, and like us all must take responsibility, good or ill, for her actions.

OP. I hope you are taking in the good advice and ignoring the debate which is not really relevant to your problem.

I do think they are having a full blown affair, sex included, but as you rightly say, the line has been crossed whether there is sex or not, as she has betrayed her vows and her marriage to you just by communicating with him.

You do need to get some legal advice. If you both want to work things out then you will both need counselling.

But please do realise that she is still lying to you. In order to move on you need to be able to trust her and at the moment you can't do that.

Unless she realises just how badly she has behaved and that she needs to work on this, you run the risk if her doing it again.

You need a serious talk with her and complete honesty from her in order to be able to move on.

Oh lord, what a terrible situation to be in. Your deep hurt I palpable. I am so sorry for you.

I don't have any sympathy for her. I have nothing new to add to the other wise posters, such as cogito.

This is a deep betrayal. You sound very kind. But she has treated you abominably. I know I couldn't forgive this extent of betrayal, lies and contempt.

I wish you all the luck in resolving this mess for your and your children's sake. Are you able to speak to someone in real life about this? Don't be embarrassed to. It's not your shame remember, it's hers.

Hissy it doesn't matter, as the OP wisely knows, because the children are blameless and if parents split they are hurt, and the best way of limiting that hurt is by continuing with what's familiar and with the parent they are used to spending most time with.

Yes it's horrible when one person betrays another. But those adult choices should not take priority over children's best interests. You're wanting the wronged party to matter more than the children, and that road is a destructive one. The kids should not be collateral damage in adult wars.

Yeah, apologies for the tangent OP. I'm a bit of a wistful ex-geek about law sometimes and just like learning of any new developments; it wasn't intentional derailing. Bloody tactless though, to be that irrelevant on your thread. I'm sorry.

Will sit on hands henceforth.

To be honest, I know this might sound daft, but I don't think if they have had sex or not is really that important.

She is emotionally so involved with him. She has said she loves him, and god knows what else she text him. And they have admitted to what she used to say on swimming pool signs 'heavy petting'. Whether they had full blown sex doesn't make anything worse, it's already bad.

She married you whilst having an fair and he was there. That is so incredibly hurtful. Nobody manipulated her into that.

You sound very kind and reasonable. Almost too understanding. You're giving her the benefit of the doubt and I don't think she deserves your consideration

I think it's very, very important that at some point this woman tells the truth about her affair.

You know enough to know that what she has done is an almost unbelievable betrayal, but that doesn't mean that her being honest isn't important.

The level of disrespect for you in what she did is pretty mind-boggling though.

I am going to go against the tide here. I noticed that you have been a couple for a number of years and that if a relationship is truly happy then infidelity doesn't crop up. I really feel for you but whoever is the primary care giver for your children should remain so. Secondly I would not insist on an sti test, she had an affair she wasn't sleeping around with lots of men and yes I know it only takes one but she only may have Dtd with the om. Time apart is a good idea but it doesn't have to be living in separate houses it's just about giving each other space. Find out from her why she thinks she did it and look at where your relationship faltered. If you wish to remain married then she will have to be transparent with you and answer any questions that you ask, I understand why she threw her phone in the river but it would be helpful to you as much as it hurts that she is brutally honest how far things went. I think it's brilliant that you haven't come on here slagging her off all guns blazing, the human psyche is very complex and it shows how caring you are to come on this forum.

I agree you sound a very level headed and caring person. I wouldn't be so understanding as you I am certain.

Sympathy for her?

YES,,, right up until the point where she acted upon her "the grass may be greener" fantasy rather than talk to you about how unhappy she was. It's unrealistic to expect a long-term partner not to have fantasies or crushes on others. Sex lives dwindle and vocalised or demonstrated reassurance isn't always forthcoming. Without recognising that from the outset, either party (or both) can wind up feeling undervalued, undesireable, neglected and lonely. Thing is, if you've made a commitment to somebody - and I don't differentiate between marriage vows and moving in/having kids together - you owe it to that person to discuss your woes before embarking on an affair,, physical or emotional. Essentially, the first person you say the words "I'm not happy." to should be your current partner,, NOT the potentially-next one. That demonstrates lack of commitment to both partner and children and right around there is where I lose any sympathy.

OP, you aren't seeing this clearly.

Your first step is to accept that the person you thought you married does not exist - she was a figment of your imagination and she never, ever existed as you imagined her to be. Grieve for that, it's a loss you can never regain, and there is no blame on you (other than not seeing clearly the person she really is). She was the perfect, loving, honest, soulmate only in your imagination, never in reality.

Once you accept that you need to look at the person in front of you. The posters here have pointed out all her flaws (and they've been pretty accurate) and you have to weight that up against all the positives you can still salvage. When you balance those scales out, what have you got? Would this flawed, deceitful and manipulative woman still have enough redeeming features for you to want to continue a marriage with? And is this diminished person worth the trauma you will still need to go through?

At the moment you are trying to minimise the flaws and bring back your imaginary wife and you need to accept that can't happen. That's why you need the space.