My wife just had an affair

[Upsethusband]

Sorry I am not sure if men can post here but I feel like I need the advice of some women as I am so confused.

Background I have 2 children with my wife, 9 and 3 and we just got married in July. This Saturday after a number of suspicions I decided to look at my wifes email and found a number of emails from her boss, also a good friend of mine. Most were of his body but one fully naked holding his p.

I confronted her about these and at first she said he sent it by mistake but after time admitted that she was seeing him but it isn't an affair, it was only groping and kissing.

She said it ended a month before we got married but after reading her texts it started up again and they were continuing right up until the weekend.

They have organised trips to be on with work colleagues, parties and events so it doesn't look suspicious that they are away together but every time they have used it to snatch kisses and time together.

There messages discuss being together and also when I am away so they can book hotel rooms. They both insist there was no sex and whether there was or not I don't feel like it should make a difference.

I am so upset as we only just married and she said her vows with him in the room and he was there giving me a hug congratulating me after. I feel so let down and deceived and believe it would have become sex if I had not confronted them.

I don't know what to do, I want to leave but I am worried about the impact on my kids and whether I can ever be intimate with her without thinking of them together.

I don't know whether to let her off because there was no sex or consider it worse because there is so much emotion involved.

I asked her to show me the entire phone history so she threw her phone in a river. I now don't know how close to our wedding it ended, started again, whether they spoke on the day, whether they spoke since I found out and what actually was sent.

If I am not meant to post on here being a man then I am sorry but if anyone has any advice then I would love to hear it.

Thanks

I have no sympathy for her, she didnt have to engage with him, she planned KNOWINGLY with him to spend time together, she was not thinking about you before you found out, shes not crying for causing you pain, shes crying for herself, because shes selfish.

They have been intimate, she enjoy the rush and cheapness of it, knowing she had a husband at home and 2 kids that she has potentially uproot and for what.

A cheap thrill.

I know this story, because i've been there too, my ex wasnt sorry for he did to me and walked out the day i had an overdose.

Cheaters only cry for themselves.

Upset will it make it better if it did "just" get out of hand? She didn't sit down and plan this with military precision. Like many affairs it probably started with shitty boundaries, disrespect for the partner and a belief they could get away with it. All of that can sit squarely with something that "got out of hand" but it doesn't mean the betrayal isn't there.

I think it's unlikely she can be remorseful this soon. She was happy enough to do this until she got caught. You're both still in shock and will have a roller coaster of emotions to process before the dust settles.

What she did was bad enough but then treating you like a mug, manipulating you just makes it worse.

She is playing you. It seems like you will forgive her and move on. She will probably do it again as there has been no consequences for shagging another man weeks after her marriage.

Think about the example you are setting your children for their future relationships.

I honestly believe they haven't had sex, not because I am a mug but I kind of know when she is lying.

Did you know she was lying when she said it ended a month before you got married? No, you didn't, you believed her. Until you saw the texts that proved otherwise.

You can believe her if you want, it probably doesn't actually make that big a difference to you. But just remember that this is a classic lie that cheaters tell. All the time.

Is there no chance she is genuinely remorseful? If she agrees to move out, without a fuss, without expecting you to feel responsible, then there is a chance that her remorse is genuine.

If she agrees to give you the time and space you need, to think about what you want to do, it is possible that she is willing to start treating you with the respect that you deserve.

If not, it's just crocodile tears designed to control you and let her treat you how she wants.

I am slightly confused with regards to the phone - did she throw the phone in the river while you were there?

OP, does your wife come onto Mumsnet?

I asked XH if he was texting OW. He said no. I said that I knew he was, he said only a few times. His mobile phone bills showed thousands of texts to her. He denied emailing, phoning and facebooking her. I had evidence that he had done all of those things.

He lied blatantly about it. This is what cheaters do. They minimise everything until confronted with the proof of what they have done.

Whether or not she is genuinely remorseful? only time will tell. If she is, she will cut this man out of her life completely and give everything she has to saving your relationship.

My DH thinks he knows when I am lying. He does sometimes but it's actually pretty easy to keep a secret if I really really want to. Luckily for him I'm mad about him so the only secrets are about Christmas presents.

I think many women could tell you the same. After all, you didn't notice when she was lying through the whole affair.

After a lot of time hanging out on this board I can tell you you never get full disclosure the first, second, third or fourth time you ask for it - the details come out very slowly and with a lot of denial.

So for both these reasons I don't think you are a mug, I think you are a man why loves his wife v v much but she has had sex with the OM.

And I think it's great there are men here. I'm not a mum but they seem to put up with me!

No, no sympathy here either.

I have had the opportunity to have affairs. A student at university, a lecturer at university... alongside the opportunity to snog random men (when I was younger!) in the pub on a night out... all whilst I was with my husband. And do you know how many times it happened? None.

A lot of denial and a lot of blame.

Don't accept the blame. If she wasn't happy she could have talked to you, she could have walked away. She didn't need to do this and cause the heartache and devastation that she has done.

He lied blatantly about it. This is what cheaters do. They minimise everything until confronted with the proof of what they have done.

And then they cry and are sorry and promise the earth. But not until they are caught.

Until they are caught, they bask in the thrill of a new lover and try very, very hard to keep it a secret.

You are only a mug if you take everything she says at face value. How can you honestly believe a word she says? You know she is capable of lying to you. You know she can be deceitful and not care one jot about you whilst she is with him.

Have you asked her to leave, or are you too worried she won't come back? What do you want OP. You talk a lot about how she feels, what she says, what she wants but what about you?

''I don't the sex to be the thing that makes it wrong. I think the wedding vows thing is so much worse. ... Does nobody have any sympathy for her situation?''

Forget about the sex/no sex thing then, for now, to clear the waters here.

Sympathy? No. Hell no. She was carrying on with this guy up to, through, and out the other side of her wedding to you! :(

That is not 'getting caught up in the moment'. I'm sorry. Those are the actions of a truly unpleasant person deep down.

I'm so sorry.

"Does nobody have any sympathy for her situation?"

Sadly, we're as in the dark as you are as to what the situation actually was. The secrecy, lies etc have seen to that. But if she'd been bored in the relationship or felt overshadowed, the right thing to do would have been to talk to you. If she got caught up in something that got out of hand and about which she felt remorseful, she would have ended it before it blew your world apart. What she's actually chosen to do ... bare bones... is shit on her own doorstep with a man you regarded as a friend, not even letting marriage get in the way, and had no intention of stopping.

A friend of mine found himself in a similar position.

His wife had an affair. He found out. She cried, she begged, she deflected and she blamed.

As it's so often the man who has the affair, he found it difficult to believe that his wife was no different to these disgusting, sleazy men and he forgave her. They moved on and moved house. They had another baby.

She did it again.

OP has the right to try and give his relationship another try.

I don't like the chorus of LTB in these threads when we are sitting at home happily doing the daily grind whilst the OP has to decide whether to blow the rest of his life apart or contemplate piecing it together again.

Look, we don't know your wife, one would hope you do. Maybe she is terribly sorry and contrite,, maybe she is telling you a pack of lies, only time is going to tell on this one.

If it were me and I wanted to try again I would want a new set of rules and counselling. No password protection on emails or phone, you can choose to check either whenever you were concerned (this could lead to her getting another phone, but let's assume at this point she doesn't plan on continuing the affair). I would also be pressing for her to look for another job (if possible).

The trust has been broken and needs to be rebuilt, but trying to bandage over the situation and carry on isn't going to work. There was a reason why she decided to have an affair, emotional or physical, whether one or both it was still a betrayal of your marriage. Perhaps she was bored, perhaps it was flirtation that got out of hand, I think only counselling is going to uncover her thought processes and if she refuses then to my mind she doesn't want to save your relationship.

OP, you sound like you're in denial, unable to believe that 'cupcake' (not you cupcake78) has done this to you. You're even making excuses for her, perhaps because it makes you feel a little better to blame the other guy rather than her.

You need to wake up and smell the coffee. The chain of lies and behaviour from her is quite classically manipulative. It wouldn't surprise me in the least if this has going on for far longer than you think, or if there are other man.

You won't like where I'm going here, but if I were in your situation, the first things on my mind - even before divorce, because you can't get divorced yet - would be paternity tests for 'my' children and, STD tests. I mean, what are the odds that she was faithful all along with your two kids (almost a decade), and then only started cheating around your impending marriage?

Sorry about your situation.

Why would he want to prove the children are/aren't his? He's their Dad, that's what counts - either way.

sebsmummy I know what you're saying, but a lot of us are talking from personal experience.

FWIW, I don't understand giving someone a second chance. Not for an affair. As I've already read today, you don't ever get over it or past it, you just find a way to live with it. There's no way I'd be prepared to tolerate feeling like that for the rest of my life. I know that I'd never be able to trust someone ever again. And there's no way I'd tolerate it.

Has she offered to leave her job?

Nobody is actually telling him to leave her. Only to ask her to leave the marital home while they both clear their heads and get some space to process what has been going on.

"Why would he want to prove the children are/aren't his?"

...I said, "if I were in [his] situation", that would be important to me.

In any case, I could just as easily turn the question around and ask you why would he NOT want to be sure that the children are his? - I assure you, as a man, most men would tend to care about that fact.

On a legal point, IF they were to split and she were to have the kids with her, she would probably want child support from whatever income he may have, and paternity is kind of relevant to that.

I am speaking as someone with experience of affairs in my parents marriage. Whilst I think in hindsight it would have been better for them to have separated in a way I'm glad they didn't as my life would have been so different and as it blew up in my GCSE year I doubt I would have passed an exam.

OP is trying to think of his family, namely his children, and I can totally understand his desire to keep the unit together. I admire him for that. Sometimes it's important to give things a second go just to underline the fact that it's not possible and separation is the only way. I wonder if the 'what ifs' are harder in a way. If he walks away without trying and then spends a lifetime wondering if he should have given it a second chance.

IMO if it's not going to work out it will be bloody obvious within a year, probably within 6 months.

Thing is, OP's not going to blow anything away.

If it fails, that'll be down to his wife cheating.

The only chance he has of saving this is to insert a break. Show her what the future holds, short sharp shock.

It's not about LTB, it's about actions and consequences, and preventative measures.

If you ask someone to leave, they can always come back, if they are prepared to try, and if you are prepared to accept the amount of work it's going to take on both sides.

If you stay, what's to stop her promising the earth without meaning it. A room full of people didn't stop her before, why would her H and kids be any more important on their own?

The children are 9 & 3 - any decent man would not care if they were biologically his children or not. He is their Dad & that's what counts - including financial support should they split (though I think he should keep them if he wants to - it wouldn't be him breaking the family up).