My wife just had an affair

[Upsethusband]

Sorry I am not sure if men can post here but I feel like I need the advice of some women as I am so confused.

Background I have 2 children with my wife, 9 and 3 and we just got married in July. This Saturday after a number of suspicions I decided to look at my wifes email and found a number of emails from her boss, also a good friend of mine. Most were of his body but one fully naked holding his p.

I confronted her about these and at first she said he sent it by mistake but after time admitted that she was seeing him but it isn't an affair, it was only groping and kissing.

She said it ended a month before we got married but after reading her texts it started up again and they were continuing right up until the weekend.

They have organised trips to be on with work colleagues, parties and events so it doesn't look suspicious that they are away together but every time they have used it to snatch kisses and time together.

There messages discuss being together and also when I am away so they can book hotel rooms. They both insist there was no sex and whether there was or not I don't feel like it should make a difference.

I am so upset as we only just married and she said her vows with him in the room and he was there giving me a hug congratulating me after. I feel so let down and deceived and believe it would have become sex if I had not confronted them.

I don't know what to do, I want to leave but I am worried about the impact on my kids and whether I can ever be intimate with her without thinking of them together.

I don't know whether to let her off because there was no sex or consider it worse because there is so much emotion involved.

I asked her to show me the entire phone history so she threw her phone in a river. I now don't know how close to our wedding it ended, started again, whether they spoke on the day, whether they spoke since I found out and what actually was sent.

If I am not meant to post on here being a man then I am sorry but if anyone has any advice then I would love to hear it.

Thanks

They have had/are having an affair. They have definitely had sex. He is sending her explicit photos of himself. They have got together and concocted a story. She is now manipulating you, crying/overdose. I truly cannot believe she intends to take her life but she knows it would tie you in knots to see her like this. Is she used to you giving in to her? I don't mean to come across as brutal but you know all this don't you? She is conniving and manipulative. I wish you well in whatever you decide to do

I think at the very least you need to tell her to leave the family home and stay somewhere else for a while. you have every right to space and time to work through this and make your decisions without her influencing you. so sorry you are going through this.

I disagree. If she was sorry and wanted to save the marriage she'd have walked away from the other man. Cut all contact with him. Found a new job, kept her mouth shut and committed completely to her family.

However she has been found out so its time for personal space, complete honestly, a lot of communicating. Acceptance on both parts that a new relationship with her husband would never be the same as the old one and to literally start over again after a break. Only time will tell if it works out.

You clearly still love your wife and wouldn't like any harm to come to her whether its a cry for help or not. Despite the betrayal she's done, she's still the mother of a 9 and 3 year old. I know people will say that she wasn't thinking of them when she was messing with this bloke but they are totally innocent in all this. As harsh and unfair as it sounds, you'll probably be best moving out.

Same here KingRollo.

It's the lies and the betrayal more than the sex, to be honest.

My sympathies OP, she isn't remorseful IMO, she is crying because you found out, if you hadn't found out the affair would still be carrying on, of course they have had sex, but even if they hadn't the deceipt is just as bad,
Don't blame yourself for one minute, none of this is your fault, of course he's not manipulating her, if this was the case why didnt she confide in you instead of sending each other naked pics etc etc
Really sorry but like others have said, you need to kick her out for a while to get your head round this, is the other man married?

So sorry your going through this Op

OP I'm so so sorry you're going through this.

Crying and threatening to kill herself? Exactly what my ex did. All THREE times he cheated on me. They're not sorry that they've cheated, they're sorry they've been caught.

You need and deserve a clean break, to cast off all this nastiness otherwise you'll never get over it. Especially if they work together.

I really feel for you OP, but you sound very strong and emotionally mature, which will hold you in good stead for the turmoil, no doubt, ahead of you.
You have been deceived and are now being emotionally blackmailed into feeling guilty for believing this.
Do not blame yourself ( unless you know deep down you may be REALLY at fault).
Maybe your wife (stupidly/greedily) thought this wild affair would lead to something more permanent with the Boss/ friend but now finds herself alone defending her actions to you.
If I was was your wife and I wanted to return to my former life with you and the kids I would be on my knees apologising, begging forgiveness and volunteering to cut all ties with this other man.

Has this happened?

If I was a total self serving Bitch, with no feelings for my life partner I would be weeping and wailing with self pity at being found out.

Good luck with whatever you decide, but please be strong and trust your gut instinct.

X

Ffs, she threw the phone rather than you see all the depraved things they said they'd do to one another, leaving you both for each other?

Get that creature out of you house TODAY!

You will spend the rest of this doomed relationship wondering all the things they said.

Every idiot knows that we invent way worse in our imagination than is actually irl. This will haunt your every waking moment, every email she gets, every text.

Get her out. It's the only way to potentially save yourself and maybe (but I doubt it) your marriage.

You have to (even though you can't actually feel it) show her that you have the conviction to go all the way and get rid of her in a heartbeat, AND take the kids as a consequence of her betrayal.

Any less than this? She'll consider it as getting off with it and she'll do iit again.

She looked you in the eye and made vows in front of him and your friends and families and in front of god possibly and lied. She has no morals, no conscience, nothing of any worth to a proper relationship.

They have had sex mate, sorry.

Little to add to the majority, OP. I don't buy for a moment that they ain't physically at it. Even if that were so, the lies, deceit, disrespect and lack of consideration would have me packing my bags or hers. I'm fortunate not to be tied by major strings like kids or mortgages - in no small part by (cowardly) design. So, I can understand why you're seeking advice before acting. Hard to tell if she's an immature 'player' or if her heart lies elsewhere. Either way the signs ain't encouraging. If she's not prepared to try to honour her vows via determination or counselling - assuming you're prepared to afford her that opportunity - then I think you need to prepare to move on. The sooner you do the sooner the chances of finding someone who appreciates you,,, and being single is better than what you have now. I wish you well.

Oh,,, about posting here. There may be a tiny minority of women resenting our presence, but overwhelmingly they seem to appreciate a male perspective just as I/we can benefit from a female one. The better the genders understand one another, the better the communication and the happier we'll be. Stick around. You'll get more appreciation here than you're currently getting at home.

Saying she was manipulated is very close to saying this man sexually abused her.

She wasnt abused was she, she had sex with him willingly.

Shes sorry for her self because could old foolish dependable husband now knows and holds the relationship cards.

Dont let her treat you like a mug, she wantingly, knowingly and with excitement cheated on you. She was not manipulated.

Only one being manipulated here is you, you better wise up to it.

She is looking for you to forgive her and make it better I suppose.
Next she would make you believe she had nothing to do with it (you are already saying that she might have been manipulated into it....)

I think you need time apart to sort your head out. Don't promise anything to her. Ask her to move out.

It will take long time for you to come to the right decision.
Separation will keep you away from her manipulating you into feeling sorry for her.

If she feels suicidal she should go to see her GP. It should not be your responsibility to be finding her with a bottle of pills in her hand...

Good Post Slang

Personally i'm happy to have men here as yes it does offer an alternative perspective, but also i'm all too aware that many men don't have anywhere to offload and question and talk through issues as women more naturally do.

Often a man is more isolated by his own pride than a woman who will confide/show vulnerability and give/receive care/concern/empathy.

Mumsnet is such a fab resource and support that it's really great that men can access it too.

Btw OP, does your wife use mn? Is she likely to see this thread?

I am so sorry for you that you discovered this. Your wife is having an affair. You don't talk about leaving your partners when you are just flirting. She has denied and minimised, which always happens when they dont want the truth to come out.

What happens next depends on the both of you. Do you want to save the marriage? Does she want to save the marriage? can you forgive her for her actions?

There is nothing worse than betrayal by the one person that you thought you could trust in the whole world. It takes some getting over.

I think that your wife will need to move jobs as she cannot continue to work with this man if she wants to save your marriage. That will be one of the things that she needs to do.

OP I hope this isn't all overwhelming, but I hope you listen to the majority view. All unhappy families may be different, but all affairs do seem to be the same. Sex is denied, and then the truth drips out. Think about, when do adults who fancy each other, kiss and send each other naked pictures not have sex? (And don't think "when one is in a relationship" as that clearly isn't stopping them).

She is upset because she's been caught and a situation that she has been controlling and manipulating is suddenly out of her control. That would make anyone hysterical, it doesn't unfortunately mean she's remorseful.

Oils you be manipulated into an affair?

*could

Thanks again for all the support.

So yes the other man is married and has 2 kids himself. I've tried to come home and talk to her. I told her a list of things I thought but mainly things that I don't trust about her.

I honestly believe they haven't had sex, not because I am a mug but I kind of know when she is lying. Either way I don't the sex to be the thing that makes it wrong. I think the wedding vows thing is so much worse.

Does nobody have any sympathy for her situation? Is there no chance she did just get caught up in something that got out of hand? Is there no chance she is genuinely remorseful?

OP, really sorry this has happened to you.
I know you don't want to believe she could have willingly done all these things, but listen to the wisdom of Mumsnet.

Definitely get some breathing space, ask her to move out and let her prove to you that she is remorseful. (Not by wailing and threatening suicide.)

Does nobody have any sympathy for her situation?
Not much. She's a cheater. I was, and I know whereof I speak.
I didn't get caught. I'd have lied, too.

Is there no chance she did just get caught up in something that got out of hand?
Not much. She's an adult, in possession of her faculties.

Is there no chance she is genuinely remorseful?
Time will tell.
See how she is in a few weeks out of the marital home.