Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My wife just had an affair

661 replies

Upsethusband · 12/11/2013 14:33

Sorry I am not sure if men can post here but I feel like I need the advice of some women as I am so confused.

Background I have 2 children with my wife, 9 and 3 and we just got married in July. This Saturday after a number of suspicions I decided to look at my wifes email and found a number of emails from her boss, also a good friend of mine. Most were of his body but one fully naked holding his p.

I confronted her about these and at first she said he sent it by mistake but after time admitted that she was seeing him but it isn't an affair, it was only groping and kissing.

She said it ended a month before we got married but after reading her texts it started up again and they were continuing right up until the weekend.

They have organised trips to be on with work colleagues, parties and events so it doesn't look suspicious that they are away together but every time they have used it to snatch kisses and time together.

There messages discuss being together and also when I am away so they can book hotel rooms. They both insist there was no sex and whether there was or not I don't feel like it should make a difference.

I am so upset as we only just married and she said her vows with him in the room and he was there giving me a hug congratulating me after. I feel so let down and deceived and believe it would have become sex if I had not confronted them.

I don't know what to do, I want to leave but I am worried about the impact on my kids and whether I can ever be intimate with her without thinking of them together.

I don't know whether to let her off because there was no sex or consider it worse because there is so much emotion involved.

I asked her to show me the entire phone history so she threw her phone in a river. I now don't know how close to our wedding it ended, started again, whether they spoke on the day, whether they spoke since I found out and what actually was sent.

If I am not meant to post on here being a man then I am sorry but if anyone has any advice then I would love to hear it.

Thanks

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 17/11/2013 18:49

Yes, OM will blame your wife, OP and she will blame him. That way, neither of them have to admit that they were hot for each other and couldn't wait to shag each other senseless.

Because if they admitted that, you and the OM's wife would probably not bother trying to salvage anything and they would both lose the comfortable set up at home.

Much better to blame each other and pretend to be contrite, whilst continuing to see each other.

Who knows what they're planning now.

BalloonSlayer · 17/11/2013 19:02

He did do it, perfectstorm, he said he gave the money to his parents.

TBH, OP, I am horrified - for you! - that you did this.

Be prepared for OM to be heard holding forth in the pub: "Ha ha ha Upsethusband, yeah that's the one, I f*ed his wife and he charged me 300 quid for it bwahaha" Confused

MistAllChuckingFrighty · 17/11/2013 19:09

Excrutiating Sad

neiljames77 · 17/11/2013 19:18

I imagine all kinds of things will have been said in the heat of the moment without a thought of how things may be interpreted. It could be something as inconsequential as, "before you two pissed off for a fumble in my car, there was a bag of quavers in the glove box, you owe me 50p."
Rational thoughts will have taken a back seat in these conversations.

toffeesponge · 17/11/2013 19:22

BS did you really have to post that? Sad Don't you think the OP has had his relationship made fun of enough?

Fairenuff · 17/11/2013 19:27

I think the point is, that OP should be focussing on his wife's behaviour, rather than his ex-friend. He need never speak to the man again, or see him. He should be of so little significance that he doesn't even register.

It's the wife that promised to love him and be faithful to him, even when she was already cheating. And they have children together, so will always be in each other's lives, no matter what happens.

It's just easier to blame someone else, to be angry at someone else, to make someone else pay. It's displaced anger and hurt. Because facing up to the truth of his wife's behaviour is so very painful.

Original poster
Upsethusband · 17/11/2013 19:47

Wow, okay, I didn't really sit here and think what they did was worth £300, I just thought my parents are out of pocket here...whatever he says in the pub I don't really care. I am above him in so many ways and anyone who pats him on the back is equally an idiot. But fair enough, dig me out for it.

Obviously I am not thinking quite rationally all the time here. I've never been in this position before.

Also don't think my wife isn't paying at the moment, she has to speak to me a lot more and facing a whole world of pain. He is just some idiot I used to play football with.

OP posts:
BalloonSlayer · 17/11/2013 19:48

Yes of course I think he has had his relationship made fun of too much. I wasn't trying to make fun of him. I was raising my concern that he has done something that will almost certainly backfire on him. I did not mean it to come over as flippant. Sorry.

Fairenuff · 17/11/2013 19:51

He is just some idiot I used to play football with.

Absolutely.

Except, she is still seeing him. What's that all about?

perfectstorm · 17/11/2013 21:05

Yeah BS you're right - finally had some sleep this afternoon (DS up all bloody night last night, literally - no sleep for 2 days not good for reading comprehension. Rather terrified of the year ahead with the new baby after this recent reminder of what serious sleep deprivation is like...) - I read that as he agreed and so just gave his own money to the parents, but in context obviously you're right.

I don't think the money is more than a detail, though, and the OP has already said he agrees with LB that it was a bad idea and he just hadn't seen it as anything but wanting his parents not to lose out financially. Going on about it now seems like crying over spilled milk, and not that important an element. As OP says nobody in his shoes is going to be flawless in handling the situation, how could they be?

OP have you talked/thought about your wife looking very actively for new employment? I do appreciate that she needs to keep working in case you split, but she also really does need to be in a new office environment if there is any hope of you getting past this, I think. Too much blood has been spilled really for much else to work. The OM needs to be gone from both your lives or you're living with a permanent reminder/vulnerability/risk. And you need to know she doesn't want contact and is willing to make changes to achieve that, presumably?

AuntieMaggie · 17/11/2013 21:54

upsethusband Its not just some kissing and groping - its months of deceit, lies, betrayal, intent, etc which is so much worse than the sex.

I agree with what everyone else has said - your wife needs to cut all contact with the other man which means looking for a new job and needs to be completely open and honest with you which means answering any questions you have, being forthcoming about any contact she is still having and letting you have access to anything you want in terms of her phone, email, etc.

You haven't answered whether she had actually told him she wants it to end. This is also important.

You also need to realise that she is grieving the end of the relationship with the other man (if she has ended it... don't assume just because you and the other mans wife know that it has ended.)

When you go to counselling don't let her blame all this on you - I'm sure there have been times you have found the relationship hard but you haven't cheated when that happened. Its easy to blame it on someone else.

The book 'Not just friends' by Shirley Glass is very good and I used it myself after my discovery - it explains what you are feeling but also what she is feeling and how to protect your relationship in the future.

Good luck. I hope you are right about her.

iFad · 17/11/2013 23:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Upsethusband · 18/11/2013 10:01

Okay so I read that book "Just Good Friends" over the weekend. I think I get what is going on.

If I am to believe the book this wasn't some dirty affair, the did they / didn't they sex thing is kind of irrelevant. They fell in love... And if they didn't it was coming.

I followed the book step by step and it matches their entire journey. This isn't me defending them, if it had just been sex it would be so much easier. It was love and so be it.

With clarity comes the ability to know what to do. I'm cool and thanks for all the advice.

OP posts:
Hissy · 18/11/2013 10:08

I hope that 'journey' didn't come too much of a shock to you.

That must have been hard to read, but i think it sounds about right.

Please don't blame yourself, you're just the victim here, they made the choices.

MistAllChuckingFrighty · 18/11/2013 11:23

That book does tend to focus the mind. Especially when you see with clarity the script that cheaters follow and the way they excuse themselves along the way with every little voluntary step they take

None of it your fault, you had absolutely no say in the matter

daiseehope · 18/11/2013 11:44

Sad Really sorry OP. I think it's done. Can you talk to a member of your family or a friend.? Big kisses to you and your kids.

Original poster
Upsethusband · 18/11/2013 12:51

It was so interesting reading it, it was almost like it was written about them, step by step the same. It is all very sad and avoidable but gave me a whole bunch of questions to ask. Some have been answered and it is now starting to make sense.

Plenty of people to talk to, it's all gonna be okay.

OP posts:
Vivacia · 18/11/2013 12:54

You seem to be very calm and collected.

I have seen the book recommended many times but not read it myself. What questions does it prompt?

MistAllChuckingFrighty · 18/11/2013 12:55

The most appropriate person to read this book is your wife, just before she took that first permission-giving step towards cheating.

Too late for that now, of course.

Original poster
Upsethusband · 18/11/2013 13:08

vivacia I think I am calm now because I get it, what I have taken from it is that it probably had nothing to do with me and how I was in the relationship. It happened because of circumstance and the only people who could have stopped it was them, and they chose not to.

It has given me peace with myself and the situation, clarity on what to do next. I'm too tired to be angry and you can't buy back time so I can't be bothered to spend too much time grieving over something I couldn't do anything about.

Probably isn't for everyone but it has certainly helped me.

OP posts:
QuintessentialShadows · 18/11/2013 13:17

I think you have a good approach.

It is the same sense of calm I used to have when waiting for the tube to take me into uni. I could do nothing about London Underground schedule, and their delays, and would therefore just read my book calmly. Others could not believe I was not stressed. But what could I do?

Not comparing an affair to a tube delay, but the sense of calm and understanding that there is nothing you can do.

I hope you keep the sense of calm going forward and that you find an outcome as good as it can be in the circumstances.

THERhubarb · 18/11/2013 13:19

Just one thing upsethusband, the other man has a reputation doesn't he? He's a player and he's probably had countless affairs. He may have seen your attractive wife as a challenge and so whilst she might have fallen in love with him and the excitement of an illicit affair, to him she may have just been a conquest. He's certainly not left his wife for her and from what you've stated before, is still living with his wife so they've obviously decided to put this behind them (or his wife doesn't know which is unlikely by now, she probably knows about all his affairs).

He will recover from this but you and your wife are the victims. It's not a defence of her, but don't see this as a love story because as far as he is concerned, I doubt it was love. She's learnt a very hard lesson from this and has lost not only her lover but potentially her husband as well.

MadBusLady · 18/11/2013 13:43

I'm glad it has given you more clarity, OP. I've not read the book either, but I've seen it recommended a lot on here and I've seen several cheated-on people make very similar comments to you after reading it - that it could have been about their own spouse, down to the exact form of words they use sometimes. It's extraordinary how this seems to be a very well-worn predictable behaviour pattern, when it seems so unique to all the people involved.

Best wishes to you for your next steps. You sound like a very strong person.

MistAllChuckingFrighty · 18/11/2013 13:53

Cheaters do think they are unique. They feel they are the first people ever to undergo such gut wrenching (but ultimately tawdry) emotional whirlwinds.

Looking back, I am sure they feel very foolish about how stupid they have been,

WarmFuzzyFuture · 18/11/2013 14:33

The scales have fallen from your eyes by reading that book.

The reality of the situation (and the betrayal) is going to really start hurting (and affecting) you. :( So sorry Upsethusband