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Original poster

My wife just had an affair

661 replies

Upsethusband · 12/11/2013 14:33

Sorry I am not sure if men can post here but I feel like I need the advice of some women as I am so confused.

Background I have 2 children with my wife, 9 and 3 and we just got married in July. This Saturday after a number of suspicions I decided to look at my wifes email and found a number of emails from her boss, also a good friend of mine. Most were of his body but one fully naked holding his p.

I confronted her about these and at first she said he sent it by mistake but after time admitted that she was seeing him but it isn't an affair, it was only groping and kissing.

She said it ended a month before we got married but after reading her texts it started up again and they were continuing right up until the weekend.

They have organised trips to be on with work colleagues, parties and events so it doesn't look suspicious that they are away together but every time they have used it to snatch kisses and time together.

There messages discuss being together and also when I am away so they can book hotel rooms. They both insist there was no sex and whether there was or not I don't feel like it should make a difference.

I am so upset as we only just married and she said her vows with him in the room and he was there giving me a hug congratulating me after. I feel so let down and deceived and believe it would have become sex if I had not confronted them.

I don't know what to do, I want to leave but I am worried about the impact on my kids and whether I can ever be intimate with her without thinking of them together.

I don't know whether to let her off because there was no sex or consider it worse because there is so much emotion involved.

I asked her to show me the entire phone history so she threw her phone in a river. I now don't know how close to our wedding it ended, started again, whether they spoke on the day, whether they spoke since I found out and what actually was sent.

If I am not meant to post on here being a man then I am sorry but if anyone has any advice then I would love to hear it.

Thanks

OP posts:
JoinYourPlayfellows · 15/11/2013 18:16

"If you made a go of it, could you resist the temptation to bring this affair up every time you had a row?"

I think that's not a great question for several reasons.

Firstly, how can he possibly know for sure at this point? This just happened, so how he will feel in five years time is unknowable.

Secondly, it presumes that bringing it up during a row is something he shouldn't be allowed to do, rather than that he should be allowed to bring it up as often as he needs to until he doesn't need to any more.

It's likely that for the foreseeable future, this betrayal will loom pretty large over all of their lives, and all of their rows. I think they both need to be OK with that if they are going to try to work this out.

MistAllChuckingFrighty · 15/11/2013 18:17

If this huge bomb dropped on their relationship can never be brought up again, give it up now. All of it.

perfectstorm · 15/11/2013 18:27

I'd see the STI check as like the legal advice - hopefully they're red herrings to the nth degree, but there is never anything at all wrong, foolish or shameful in looking after your health or your interests, as long as you aren't harming anyone else.

I had a Harmony test for my baby not too long ago, and I hoped very much it was the biggest waste of money on the planet. But knowledge is such a bolstering and supportive thing, and whatever the answer was, I wanted to have facts. Clearsightedness is hard to achieve when you're basically in the dark, you know? It doesn't mean anything is actually wrong, or you need to act on anything. It's just factual information.

Original poster
Upsethusband · 15/11/2013 18:53

Definitely would like to stop discussing STI tests. Thanks. I'll deal with this as I need.

In terms of arguments, well I think IF I gave it another go I would have to fully forgive and never bring up. She would have to be allowed to rebuild from it, it would be massively unconstructive to say "yeah but you had an affair with my mate".

OP posts:
MistAllChuckingFrighty · 15/11/2013 18:56

More unconstructive than doing it ?

MistAllChuckingFrighty · 15/11/2013 18:57

Never bring up ? Ever ? Erase it from history ?. Yes, I am sure that would suit her.

Original poster
Upsethusband · 15/11/2013 19:00

I think it would suit me too - I don't really want to think about it.

OP posts:
Anandfan · 15/11/2013 19:01

Far too many pages to read. Just read your opening statement so what I say might be useless. But I'll say something anyway.
I fully realise how hurt you must be but if she really loves you and you still really love her can't you make a big magnanimous gesture and tell her you forgive her completely because you love her so much and because she's so sexy and attractive but that she must stop having fun with that guy from now on.
I completely forgave my wife when she had an affair. It didn't work in my case because she no longer loved me and even blamed me for having strayed.
But if you're sure your wife genuinely loves and respects you deep down and doesn't love the other guy, that's what I'd do if I were you. She'll love you back all the more and be so grateful to you for forgiving her. Tell her you want both of you to be happy from now onwards and that you can both move on with your lives together now, loving each other.
If it's any consolation I can only say you're so lucky to have a woman who is obviously fond of sex. My present wife has zero interest. If I ever caught her admiring another man at least I'd know she was sexually alive!
I don't think counselling is necessary for you. Love, forgiveness of your sexy wife and magnanimity towards her is all you need. If you make it up with her right away you could have sex with her tonight! Surely you'd like that? But if you don't think she loves you, then what I've suggested is pointless and that is a very different situation. probably a hopeless one.

MistAllChuckingFrighty · 15/11/2013 19:02

UpsetH, that may work in the short term. But it can never be a long term measure, surely you know that. Sorry x

LuciusMalfoyisSmokingHot · 15/11/2013 19:03

But if you're sure your wife genuinely loves and respects you deep down and doesn't love the other guy

Her admitting to OP that she told OM she loves him, kinda blows that one out of the water.

MistAllChuckingFrighty · 15/11/2013 19:04

Anand, I am sorry mate, but doormattery is not a long term solution to OP's plight.

Anandfan · 15/11/2013 19:06

Well if she loves the OM his only option is a divorce, I'd think. Sounds utterly hopeless in that case. Sorry, never read it all.

JoinYourPlayfellows · 15/11/2013 19:06

"IF I gave it another go I would have to fully forgive and never bring up."

OK, but fully forgiving someone for something like this takes TIME.

A lot of it. The people who have recovered from affairs here mostly say it takes at least two years to get over it.

It also seems to me that if you get to a place where it is completely behind you, you could bring it up if you needed to.

You can't ever ERASE it. It won't ever have not happened.

The best you can do, should you stay together, is work towards being in a place where it is an acknowledged and no longer hurtful part of your history together.

"If you make it up with her right away you could have sex with her tonight! Surely you'd like that?"

:o

Wow, you'd have to be really desperate to get laid to give advice like that.

MistAllChuckingFrighty · 15/11/2013 19:09

"If you make it up with her right away you could have sex with her tonight! Surely you'd like that?"

I don't think this very together Op is up for that kind of shit. Smile

Anandfan · 15/11/2013 19:09

Wow, you'd have to be really desperate to get laid to give advice like that
You clearly don't know what it's like to be really desperate! Grin

MistAllChuckingFrighty · 15/11/2013 19:10

Give over, Anand. You are giving blokes a bad name.

Anandfan · 15/11/2013 19:12

And if she genuinely loves someone else there's no point in trying anything. That's the end of it. Just get away from her. That would seem to be the only option.

Original poster
Upsethusband · 15/11/2013 19:13

"If you make it up with her right away you could have sex with her tonight! Surely you'd like that?"

Good one!

OP posts:
LuciusMalfoyisSmokingHot · 15/11/2013 19:16

I don't think counselling is necessary for you. Love, forgiveness of your sexy wife and magnanimity towards her is all you need. If you make it up with her right away you could have sex with her tonight! Surely you'd like that?

Now i've heard everything, thats desperation magnified by a million, and i havent had any in 4 years.

Anandfan · 15/11/2013 19:25

It's often thought so wonderful, noble and praiseworthy of these pathetic victims who say publicly afterwards that 'they forgive' their attacker, even when he's committed a horrendous crime. Some people actually 'forgive' murderers! And this is thought highly of, for some reason.

But it doesn't seem to be thought noble and admirable in the slightest if a man forgives his wife. Funny thatHmm

Thisisaghostlyeuphemism · 15/11/2013 19:27

Jesus! Any fucker gone and we get these instead!

LuciusMalfoyisSmokingHot · 15/11/2013 19:28

Anand Yes they might forgive, but they dont live with these people and probably wouldnt ever want to see them again.

I'll tell my DB that he should be noble and admirable to forgive his cheating with, he'll surely see the light. Hmm

LetsFaceTheMusicAndDance · 15/11/2013 19:38

Anandfan I can see that this is your first set of postings on Mumsnet. It might be useful to know that posting on such a very sensitive thread without reading the whole thread is frowned on - for obvious reasons.

LibraryBook · 15/11/2013 20:02

Anandfan - I can't think why your 'present wife' has zero interest in having sex with you.

Anandfan · 15/11/2013 20:24

It might be useful to know that posting on such a very sensitive thread without reading the whole thread is frowned on - for obvious reasons.

A schoolmarm has thought fit to rap me over the knuckles Smile
It seems the very idea of forgiveness has gone out of fashion in this post Christian era (criminals sometimes excepted).

Libarybook - or isn't it Misssarcastic she isn't interested in sex with anyone. That is a fact. It's not just me. And getting personal unnecessarily should also be 'frowned on'.

It's depressing how ridiculous and appalling people find the very suggestion of the act of forgiveness.