My wife just had an affair

[Upsethusband]

Sorry I am not sure if men can post here but I feel like I need the advice of some women as I am so confused.

Background I have 2 children with my wife, 9 and 3 and we just got married in July. This Saturday after a number of suspicions I decided to look at my wifes email and found a number of emails from her boss, also a good friend of mine. Most were of his body but one fully naked holding his p.

I confronted her about these and at first she said he sent it by mistake but after time admitted that she was seeing him but it isn't an affair, it was only groping and kissing.

She said it ended a month before we got married but after reading her texts it started up again and they were continuing right up until the weekend.

They have organised trips to be on with work colleagues, parties and events so it doesn't look suspicious that they are away together but every time they have used it to snatch kisses and time together.

There messages discuss being together and also when I am away so they can book hotel rooms. They both insist there was no sex and whether there was or not I don't feel like it should make a difference.

I am so upset as we only just married and she said her vows with him in the room and he was there giving me a hug congratulating me after. I feel so let down and deceived and believe it would have become sex if I had not confronted them.

I don't know what to do, I want to leave but I am worried about the impact on my kids and whether I can ever be intimate with her without thinking of them together.

I don't know whether to let her off because there was no sex or consider it worse because there is so much emotion involved.

I asked her to show me the entire phone history so she threw her phone in a river. I now don't know how close to our wedding it ended, started again, whether they spoke on the day, whether they spoke since I found out and what actually was sent.

If I am not meant to post on here being a man then I am sorry but if anyone has any advice then I would love to hear it.

Thanks

The no contact is a good thing to do - obviously hard with dc but hopefully you've got third parties to help with that.

I hope it gives you some time to reflect and some clarity.

Good luck OP. I hope that the next few days help to bring you clarity.

Has this so called mate of yours even been in touch to apologise or is he strutting around thinking he can do what he likes?
I've known and worked with characters like that. Arrogant, ignorant, selfish and loud. They're usually hiding a load of deep rooted insecurities too.

You sound a very level headed man OP and I commend you for staying level headed through this upset and unrest. I hope both of you continue to work together in a civilized manner and come to an amicable conclusion to this horrible mess.

I also agree on your view of people hijacking threads or turning it in to a slanging match for their own entertainment. Good debate is healthy but some members here get very protective of the forums and how they think it should be.

I noticed one poster here complaining that 'random newbies' had the cheek to post on threads offering advice and support.

So called mate, yes, he has, we've spoken a couple of times. Obviously I've had the expletive conversation but the last one was very calm. I tried to make him realise what he has done, the full impact. I also asked him to pay the £300 it cost my parents to come over from Ireland help look after the kids, which he did in fairness.

How's his wife?

What did he say about the photo?

You are a much, much more understanding, level headed, rational and mature man than me.
I think I'd have performed a gender re-alignment on him with a pair of rusty shears.
Whatever you decide mate, I really wish you well.

Upsethusband - "I also asked him to pay the £300 it cost my parents to come over from Ireland [to] help look after the kids, which he did in fairness."

Extraordinary.

What does mates WIFE say?

I don't think I'll discuss their relationship on here, that is between them and I have no idea if she uses this site. If she does then it might be a little upsetting.

I did speak to her though and felt bad about sending the email. As much as I wanted to get back at him I also realise that it caused her pain and embarrassment too which isn't fair.

It probably did cause pain and embarrassment, but I've no doubt she knows full well that it is her DH and your DW who are to blame.

Hope the no contact is going ok.

Is your wife still working with him?

Asking your wife's 'friend' to pay £300 to compensate for his damage is peculiar as well as insulting. It's as though you view your wife as property to use for childcare and other duties.

Ew.

LB, it isn't like that at all. Why should the parents be out of pocket because the DIL can't stay faithful?

Yeah I can see how it might seem peculiar now but it is not a reflection on how I view my wife. I had two choices to get even, tell his wife everything I know about him or make him financially pay for all the damage he has done.

Now you've said it you're kind of right - it wasn't for me, I just gave my parents the money.

I think a £300 price tag for the damage he has done is peanuts. Not that it can be counted in pounds and pennies at all.

LibraryBook, I think you're seeing things that aren't there.

The wife didn't have a respectful view of the OP, their marriage, or their family, or the wife and her family or she and the other man wouldn't have embarked on an affair.

I think the OP can be forgiven for asking money to pay for his parents to do the child care when the wife and the other man tried to their hardest to destroy to families.

So his wife still doesn't know hardly anything :(

(Not suggesting that's your responsibility op)

Wow.

I think it's perfectly reasonable not to want his parents out of pocket for an affair, and as any money his wife pays is out of the family pot, that's him paying it as much as her. I agree it's not very fair on the other wife either that her husband is funding this, but then he was presumably funding the hotels and the list of unfairness there is not the OP's problem as it isn't his marriage.

I did speak to her though and felt bad about sending the email. As much as I wanted to get back at him I also realise that it caused her pain and embarrassment too which isn't fair.

OP, as gently as possible - why is it fair to get back at this so-called friend, but not your wife? Why is it okay to cause him pain and embarrassment but not her? I appreciate he's been a joke/excuse of a "friend", but nor is he the one who owed you honesty, trust and fidelity. She's done worse to you than he has, just as he's done worse to his own wife than she has. I always sigh a bit when people blame the other woman when their husband cheats, because it's a way of letting the husband, the one who actually made vows to them, off the hook. I'm afraid I think the same applies here. They've both let you down terribly, but much as you very obviously do love her, she's let you down more, and it isn't a humiliating image of her shared.

It's laudable that you're as loving and generous towards her as you are, and I'm sure you have years and years of love and generosity on her part to offset this with on the overall scales. But that doesn't mean she hasn't royally fucked up here, and doesn't mean she was somehow a helpless bystander in recent events.

Again I'm sorry and I am honestly trying not to push you into areas you aren't ready to go. But I don't think genuine denial is healthy, if you want to work through and resolve this in a non-festering way. Just MO. And feeling that it's not fair to upset/humiliate her over this but a-okay the bloke does rather seem edging towards that.

Oh, I'm so sorry! You meant the other marriage. [embarrassed] I totally appreciate where you're coming from there. I have to say I'm slightly relieved it wasn't the interpretation I first thought - your generosity of spirit is admirable, but there are limits!

I presume the wife knows her husband has been sending pictures of his cock to OP's wife ? Since everyone else does.

If, as you say, the other bloke has form, his wife probably won't be surprised at all. Just embarrassed and totally ashamed of him.

No because she's probable been fed the line- 'it wasn't me, I was manipulated, yada yada yada'

I understand the tort of 'alienation of affection' still exists in North Carolina. Shame you don't live there, OP. Or otherwise you and your wife's friend could sort all this out in court, man to man, and put her proper price on their dalliance. And you could be properly compensated, even if you're having to shell out for loads of ready-meals and farm out the ironing while she's at her parents' house.

Librarybook he's already said he agrees with you and won't do it after all; he'd not looked at it in that light. That despite nobody else seeing a problem along the lines you do.

What more do you want? Is a post like that really called for?