My wife just had an affair

[Upsethusband]

Sorry I am not sure if men can post here but I feel like I need the advice of some women as I am so confused.

Background I have 2 children with my wife, 9 and 3 and we just got married in July. This Saturday after a number of suspicions I decided to look at my wifes email and found a number of emails from her boss, also a good friend of mine. Most were of his body but one fully naked holding his p.

I confronted her about these and at first she said he sent it by mistake but after time admitted that she was seeing him but it isn't an affair, it was only groping and kissing.

She said it ended a month before we got married but after reading her texts it started up again and they were continuing right up until the weekend.

They have organised trips to be on with work colleagues, parties and events so it doesn't look suspicious that they are away together but every time they have used it to snatch kisses and time together.

There messages discuss being together and also when I am away so they can book hotel rooms. They both insist there was no sex and whether there was or not I don't feel like it should make a difference.

I am so upset as we only just married and she said her vows with him in the room and he was there giving me a hug congratulating me after. I feel so let down and deceived and believe it would have become sex if I had not confronted them.

I don't know what to do, I want to leave but I am worried about the impact on my kids and whether I can ever be intimate with her without thinking of them together.

I don't know whether to let her off because there was no sex or consider it worse because there is so much emotion involved.

I asked her to show me the entire phone history so she threw her phone in a river. I now don't know how close to our wedding it ended, started again, whether they spoke on the day, whether they spoke since I found out and what actually was sent.

If I am not meant to post on here being a man then I am sorry but if anyone has any advice then I would love to hear it.

Thanks

I have never seen a 'supportive thread' quite so full of bickering, musing and casual pontificating from posters - in quite a few years of MNing - as this one. With the OP keeping his dignity and ploughing on through it.

upset - i applaud you. I also wish you strength, and wish you all the best. Keep on looking after yourself, take all the time you need to decide how you want to proceed, and please believe that the affair was not your fault. It was a course of action 2 other people chose to take.

upset - you are right in that if you decide to put this behind you and move on, have counselling etc, that you DO have to be able to forgive and forget and not bring it up again, but you need to discuss it to be able to get to that point. If you cannot forget, then there is no future. I have posted that before on affair threads. No relationship would ever survive with the affair being constantly thrown in the persons face five years later or whatever.

But you do need to be clear in your own mind before you can get to that point. If you brush it under the carpet without ever properly discussing it, then you are just ignoring it and it may well happen again. Your W needs to look at herself and her reasons for doing this and to explore why it happened, in order that it doesn't happen again.

Once you get to the point of clarity and you are both sure that you want to continue, then you do have to put it in the past and leave it there, but it may take some time to get to that point.

You are also very right, in that the line has been crossed. I understand what you are saying, sex or no sex, that she crossed the line, betrayed your vows.

I'd never ever have expected this;

Op: my wife had an affair with her boss.

Reply; ah well, at least she's not lazy. She works.

Reply; oh well at least she likes shagging. Go and shag her.

I agree op has been very dignified despite the replies. Keep on keeping on.

Apologies for mentioning something you really didn't want to discuss, OP.

Again, you've been extraordinarily dignified and decent in this thread. I so hope things work out as well as you undoubtedly deserve.

Skyeskyeskye, you've said pretty much what I said previously. You can expect a bollocking for it now.

I'm paraphrasing but 'forgive her and you could have sex with her tonight' has made me hoot. It's made my week.

If a man is deeply in love with a woman he may well forgive her simply because he loves her so very much and can't bear the thought of losing her.
But if she continued to deceive him and prefer other men, ceasing to show any genuine love or loyalty towards him, then his love for her would fade away because of jealousy and bitterness.
But initially, his deep love for her conquers all. But I can only speak for myself though I'm unlikely to be the only man who thinks like that.

"I have never seen a 'supportive thread' quite so full of bickering, musing and casual pontificating from posters - in quite a few years of MNing"

Oh come off it, I've seen far worse and that's only in the few months I've been on MN.

Biggest recent change is the All Men are Bastards chorus has been far less strident on Relationships over the last few weeks, so the OP here has actually had a lot of sensible advice on a fairly civilized thread.

The Forgive to Fuck idea also had me Blowing tea out my nose

Forgive to fuck - There's a name for it. It's called hysterical bonding.

OP, sorry, I meant just you get an sti check, for your own sexual health. I know you feel like this is saying she slept with him but it's just a precaution. It's like saying, I won't buy car insurance because that says I think I'm going to crash. It makes sense to do these simple acts, that don't involve anyone else but can make a big difference to your own wellbeing. It's looking after yourself, showing self care and good self esteem.

Likewise, getting some legal and financial advice, just so that you know where you stand should you separate. If not, no harm done. But knowledge is power and being prepared will help you feel more in control and help you make these decisions if, if you need to. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain. Why wouldn't you?

Fairenuff I agree, as I've said, but OP has asked not to discuss this aspect further so it seems courteous to respect that. His life, after all, and if he's not ready, then I guess he isn't.

OP I hope you have a good weekend planned with good friends rallying around so you can talk if you need to and relax if you don't. Take care and I hope you're still feeling manageable, most of the time.

Well at least we know the trolls also come out to shit over supportive threads for men as well as for women.

I think the OP has enough common sense to completely see through those posts. For now I think the rest of us should completely ignore and remember the report button. The more we interact the more trolls we get.

Hope your weekend is going ok upsethusband. Dh and I also had a talk yesterday. He had a day off and we got some lunch together. It was just nice to get out without the kids and talk to each other. We realise his working hours aren't great and there may be little we can do about that but we do now understand how the other feels. He understands my loneliness and I get his tiredness and frustration. We've pledged to make more time for each other and even book a babysitter every now and then.

I don't know if you've talked to your wife at any great length yet, I suppose she's still at her parents? But I think you need to do a lot of talking and a lot of listening too. Both of you.

Only you know if this marriage still has a chance and a lot of that rests with her too, whether or not she still wants to be with you, but above all you have shown yourself to be remarkably strong on this thread. You are clearly not a doormat. You are just trying to make sense of something which has turned your lives upside down. You sound like a very fair and understanding man.

I really do hope things work out for you one way or another. You deserve some good luck now and some TLC. I hope this thread doesn't put you off using Mumsnet again. There are millions of mumsnetters from all walks of life so you are bound to get a few nutters posting - and I don't speak for myself there! So cherry pick the good advice as you are doing, and let the nutters go off and do their thing. They have their own problems to deal with

^Well at least we know the trolls also come out to shit over supportive threads for men as well as for women.
I think the OP has enough common sense to completely see through those posts. For now I think the rest of us should completely ignore and remember the report button. The more we interact the more trolls we get.^

I take strong exception to this if I am being referred to. In fact I won't describe how disgusted I am by it and feel nothing but contempt for anyone who would write this in response to my sincere and serious posts on the OP's problem.
I have been in the OP's situation exactly. My wife had an affair with a married man after we'd been together for 9 years but I forgave her completely and utterly because I loved her.
But, probably predictably, the sour hard-nosed cynics on here find this outrageous and laughable for a man to forgive his wife simply because he loves her and they have been happy together for years. For God's sake! How appalling to be so cynical. The very suggestion makes a man who would do this 'a doormat' and the advice that of 'a troll', it seems.

The OP's wife has shown in various ways that she is contrite, that she regrets what she has done to him.
He said: I feel really sorry for her, I went home to end it last night but her uncontrollable crying destroyed me. Her remorse is not fake, I have never seen anyone upset like this
He also said: we have been together for 11 years, we are / were perfect together, so happy and I don't think I will ever meet someone like her again. By punishing her with separation I might be punishing myself for the rest of my life. She is the love of my life
Finally, I quote: Also I do have a feeling she was manipulated, I know what this bloke is like, he has a track record.
It was exactly the same with my wife. The married man was a predator who befriended us both because he was targeting her. The kind of trick lowlife male scum play.

The above shows that the OP loves his wife very much, and that she is also very, very sorry for what she has done to him. Therefore I really do recommend that he should try to forgive his wife and give her another chance, move on and have a happy future together.
It's definitely well worth considering seriously no matter how hurt you are, OP. Don't risk punishing yourself most of all, in the end.
And if something similar happens again, well, at least you tried. Then will be the time to end it. But it may be that she'll never do anything like that again.

Needless to say the cynical trolls will rubbish this well meant advice and screech ' Don't be a doormat!' at the top of their voices. 'Separate! Separate!'
There is nothing less attractive to me than a hard-faced cynical woman who dismisses the act of forgiveness with disdain.

Also I do have a feeling she was manipulated, I know what this bloke is like, he has a track record
It was exactly the same with my wife. The married man was a predator who befriended us both because he was targeting her. The kind of trick lowlife male scum play

Right. So your poor helpless wife just couldn't say 'No' to another man? Oh poor wee thing.

Anand Your belief that 'deep love for her conquers all' hasn't/isn't working with your wife's lack of desire for you-is it?

Forgiveness is not easy in these circumstances nor is it always possible. Not when the very foundations you built your marriage/relationship on either turn out to be fake or you realise the other person never took them seriously or believed in them in the first place.

Your input is not helpful and is actually very offensive. I would suggest you concentrate your efforts on understanding why your wife doesn't want yo have sex with you and why she is emotionally disconnected from you. To be honest,it sounds like she's depressed-and you need to figure out why being married to you is making her depressed.

The OP's wife has shown in various ways that she is contrite, that she regrets what she has done to him.

He said: I feel really sorry for her, I went home to end it last night but her uncontrollable crying destroyed me. Her remorse is not fake, I have never seen anyone upset like this.

How has she shown remorse 'in various ways'? She has told her husband she loves the om. She is still seeing the om. All she has done is go to her mothers.

The uncontrollable crying has only been since she was found out. Before then, she was eagerly making arrangements to sleep with this man.

He also said: we have been together for 11 years, we are / were perfect together, so happy and I don't think I will ever meet someone like her again. By punishing her with separation I might be punishing myself for the rest of my life. She is the love of my life

OP believes that they were perfect together, so happy. No, they weren't. She was having an affair before, during and after they got married. Initially she lied about this and OP believed her because he thinks he can tell when she is lying. He can't. It's the 'denial' phase and it may take him a long time to see it.

Finally, I quote: Also I do have a feeling she was manipulated, I know what this bloke is like, he has a track record.

All the more reason for that sti test.

She was so contrite that she threw her phone inthe river.

I had better not say anything else for fear that anand will find me unattractive.

Thanks everyone, so we've made a decision to not speak for a few days, not even over text and it is healthy. For her a chance to reflect and for me a chance to get some clarity.

I'm pretty sure I know what needs to happen now. I won't discuss it for obvious reasons but I am happy to share after.

I think the biggest bit of advice I can give anyone in this situation in the future is to get the space immediately, just detach yourself from each other. The emotions are raw and change every day.

Again thank you so much for all the support, opinions etc...it is really helpful. I do think it is a shame people argue in a forum, I think everyone needs to take a step back sometimes and respect the opinions of others - in the end they are just opinions and no two situations are the same.

Onwards and upwards, tomorrow is another day and all that stuff!!!

Good luck OP. I hope the no contact gives you the time and space to get some answers.

Good Luck Upset, your making great steps towards moving forwards, no matter what direction you take, your doing brilliantly with it all.

I think the biggest bit of advice I can give anyone in this situation in the future is to get the space immediately, just detach yourself from each other. The emotions are raw and change every day.

Absolutely agree with this.

She could have but he was a larger than life type who lavished attention on her and she was tempted.

So, what will happen if another 'larger than life' character tempts her...

anand I hope you don't mind me saying this but I think it may be better if you create your own separate post to deal with your current issue.

Unfortunately however you look at this and whatever your situation is you are insensitively flaming this debate with the language you choose.

I sympathise with your current situation but selfishly I feel like you are turning this thread into the anand show.