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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is my hubby a feeder?

45 replies

Missguided27 · 11/11/2013 00:23

Ok so you will have to forgive me if I make any mistakes as I am new to all this but don't know who to turn to. Ummm where to start? Well I think my OH is a feeder, until about a week ago I didn't know what a feeder was but after searching the Internet have found my OH fits the bill. He's always loved my curves but after giving birth 10 weeks ago my confidence is at an all time low, he keeps bringing me sweets, chocolate and indulgent food to eat, saying that as I'm breast feeding I need the extra calories. Sounds like the perfect bloke right? But the problem is I'm desperately unhappy with the way I look and find it hard to say no to these things (especially after a tough day looking after our DS). I love him dearly and am grateful that he loves me the way I am but I feel like he is using food to control me. We have an otherwise happy marriage, please don't post hurtful things about him as he is a great hubby and father aside from this.
What should I do?

Thanks in advance x

OP posts:

MillyRules · 11/11/2013 00:29

Hi, why would he be a feeder because heoves you as you are? When your breastfeeding yoy do need extra calories. Sounds more like he is just looking after you and trying to keep you happy.

MillyRules · 11/11/2013 00:29

loves you as you are.....bloody phone has a mind of its own

Monty27 · 11/11/2013 00:30

He's just being nice to you!

WallyBantersJunkBox · 11/11/2013 00:35

Just tell him that you would like to take this opportunity to slim down so you have decided to lay off the pies for a bit. Therefore you'd be grateful if he could support you in this by bringing you lower calorie meals.

It's only a few hundred more calories a day allowance. Does he know that? That only equates to something like scrambled egg on a piece of toast, or a couple of crispbreads with spread and a mug of hot Bovril.

Lweji · 11/11/2013 00:51

Actually, those are not good calories for breastfeeding.
Why don't you tell him that the extra calories are good, but could he give you some more healthy food?
He can still treat you with nice lower calorie foods.

MillyRules · 11/11/2013 01:22

When breastfeeding you need between 300 and 500 extra calories a day and sometimes more when your baby is going through a growth spurt. In general, listen to your body and it will tell you when you need more food or more fluids.

likelytoasksillyquestions · 11/11/2013 01:26

I think this is what men are sometimes told is the correct way of supporting their partner with a new baby. (Esp flippantly - "oh, breastfeeding? bring her lots of chocolate".)

Hawkmoth · 11/11/2013 01:36

Unsurprisingly, as my MWs and HVs both said this exactly.

Exhaustion and breastfeeding don't make it easy to choose the right foods. If your DH is being helpful in this way he needs knowledge to help you avoid the sugar traps that I am in and get you food that fills you up without making you gain weight.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 11/11/2013 06:52

Unless he's force-feeding you this stuff, standing over you with a horse-whip, he's probably not acting maliciously. He may see that you are tired and stressed and thinks a bit of chocolate will cheer you up as well as provide a few calories. Agree with some suggestions above that you can say 'no thanks' and suggest other foods he could prepare that would give you some nutrition and energy.

Do you have any history of disordered eating OP?

SuperiorCat · 11/11/2013 07:22

Cogito said exactly what I was going to.

Original poster

Missguided27 · 11/11/2013 07:39

I have said we could both do with losing some weight to set healthy example to our DS and he tries to make me promise that I won't lose anything and actually wants me to gain weight (not sure if this is because he finds a larger lady attractive or if he's insecure about other men finding me attractive). He knows I only need around 500 extra calories a day but brings things packed with calories and sugar, I know I could say no but haven't got the will power! He talks about it a lot and is sort of becoming a bit obsessive but every time he does I just feel uncomfortable (i mean how can he find my wobbly bits and cellulite sexy?!?). I have tried talking to him but it seems to fall on deaf ears.
We did split up for a short time around six years ago and although not the only reason part of it was because I was going to weigh watchers and he kept going on about how I didn't need to and he loved me as I am.
I want to be a yummy mummy and get some confidence back but when I try to be good he's always there with biscuits etc. it's a vicious circle, I feel low because of how I look so I eat the stuff he brings and then I feel worse because I've eaten crap and know I should lose some weight but all my energy goes to looking after our DS, I don't seem to have time to look after myself.

No history of an disordered eating unless you count over eating ?!?

OP posts:

christinarossetti · 11/11/2013 07:47

Over eating is disordered eating.

Was over eating a current problem when you became pregnant?

AmandaCooper · 11/11/2013 07:48

OP well if you have reached the point where you're concerned enough to go on the Internet and do research, there's clearly a problem of some kind: either with you not knowing your own mind and being unable to tell the difference between someone with your best interests at heart and someone trying to control you; or your DH being a feeder. What I would say is if your DH does have your best interests at heart, he should be able and willing to modify his behaviour as soon as you ask, or to explain his pov if he feels you have lost perspective. Maybe post in Relationships for more advice?

AmandaCooper · 11/11/2013 07:50

Oh hang on this is in Relationships! Sorry sleep deprivation!

christinarossetti · 11/11/2013 07:51

Over eating is disordered eating.

Was over eating a current problem when you became pregnant?

I guess the issue is that you want to lose or at least not gain more weight and that your dh isn't respecting that.

passedgo · 11/11/2013 08:41

OP how overweight are you? Are we talking several stone or a few pounds?

LisaMed · 11/11/2013 08:46

Did he actively sabotage the weight watchers or was it more him sympathising if you said you didn't want to go?

If you don't want the sweetie stuff you are going to have to find the strength to push back. Unless he checks the bins you could always throw it out when he isn't looking and say you have eaten it, and could he get something else in that's healthy. Give him a shopping list of treats you would like. How closely he sticks to that will be an answer of sorts.

Good luck.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 11/11/2013 08:57

Does he take you seriously on other subjects? I think you have to find a way to tell him 'no' but mean it.

Joysmum · 11/11/2013 09:02

Heart to heart time.

Explain that you know he loves you dearly and you feel the same way, but the way to best express his love is to ensure you are the healthiest you can be so you can be the best mum possible for your baby.

My hubby always bought me food gifts as it make me happy in the short term and he could see that. What he couldn't appreciate was the turmoil in my head and how low it made me, it was up to me to see that he did.

Dumpylump · 11/11/2013 09:13

Is your dh overweight himself? If so, perhaps this is about him and how he sees himself, as much as it is about you.

Maybe in his head it goes like this "I really want a cream bum and some chocolate, I'll buy two and then me and Missguided can share".
My dp is s bit like this...he's overweight, and frankly, greedy, and I think he feels better about eating something if I eat it too. It took me a wee while to cotton on, but now I have I just don't entertain it - unless it's something I actually want. He was also quite resistant to the idea of me going on a diet - I think, because then he had no excuse (in his own head) to buy the junk food he wants to eat.

Joysmum · 11/11/2013 09:17

My hubby is overweight but it wasn't that he wanted to keep me fat or feel better about his eating if I was eating, he genuinely wanted to give me little pick me ups and make me feel good.

Since we talked about it then it stopped because he just wants to make me happy. I hope the OPs hubby motivations are the same as it makes things a lot easier if they are.

Anniegetyourgun · 11/11/2013 11:17

XH used to feed me sweets and fatty foods and then complain that I was too fat to be attractive. Mind you when I went on a diet and did regular exercise he didn't like that either, because I was getting "too nice" and then someone else would make a pass at me which I would, of course, be quite unable to resist.

Left the bastard.

Original poster

Missguided27 · 11/11/2013 13:29

Thank you for the responses ladies. I am going to try and answer all the questions, here goes...
Over eating was a problem before having DS, I was unhappy about it then too but since having him think its time to be fit and healthy plus set a good example to him.
I need to lose around 4 stone I'm afraid and tried hard during my pregnancy not to gain much and be healthy for the baby.
He would actively try to sabotage weight watchers in the same way he is doing now, buying sweets etc but we didn't live together then so found it a little easier to follow the diet most of the time then treat myself when together. Also whilst we were apart he became a real gym bunny and got all buff but has since piled on the pounds.
He does take me seriously on other subjects and I tend to wear the trousers in other aspects of the relationship as he is very easy going and likes me to be happy.
He is overweight himself so you might have a point dumpylump, hadn't thought of it that way. He seems to have a problem with anyone dieting if I'm honest.
Maybe he sees giving food a way of showing love??

OP posts:

amyshellfish · 11/11/2013 13:33

My ex used to deliberately sabotage my attempts to lose weight and used to buy me junk food which I felt unable to refuse because he had bought it and made out it was a gift. I was 14 stome and a size 16 when I eventually left him.

MistAllChuckingFrighty · 11/11/2013 13:37

If he is overweight himself, he may be completely uneducated about healthy food choices

If he wants to be so helpful, tell him to get on the internet and research what are healthy meals/snacks/foodstuffs and what are not then he can be useful

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