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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is my hubby a feeder?

45 replies

Missguided27 · 11/11/2013 00:23

Ok so you will have to forgive me if I make any mistakes as I am new to all this but don't know who to turn to. Ummm where to start? Well I think my OH is a feeder, until about a week ago I didn't know what a feeder was but after searching the Internet have found my OH fits the bill. He's always loved my curves but after giving birth 10 weeks ago my confidence is at an all time low, he keeps bringing me sweets, chocolate and indulgent food to eat, saying that as I'm breast feeding I need the extra calories. Sounds like the perfect bloke right? But the problem is I'm desperately unhappy with the way I look and find it hard to say no to these things (especially after a tough day looking after our DS). I love him dearly and am grateful that he loves me the way I am but I feel like he is using food to control me. We have an otherwise happy marriage, please don't post hurtful things about him as he is a great hubby and father aside from this.
What should I do?

Thanks in advance x

OP posts:

MinesAPintOfTea · 11/11/2013 13:41

Can't you tell him that you want to loose weight rather than putting pressure on for him to loose weight too. I suspect he just doesn't want to face loosing it himself and its easier for him to share his food rather than feel guilty because you're doing the healthy thing and he isn't.

So possibly not doing it to control you or to fatten you up but just because of his own guilt along with a side helping of "breastfeeding mothers need biscuits".

Hermione123 · 11/11/2013 13:43

Hmmm tell him how it makes you feel, honestly. I tend to agree, maybe he wants to hear that he's still attractive, having a new baby makes both people insecure and tired, ime.

Original poster

Missguided27 · 13/11/2013 12:47

Ok ladies thanks for all the great advice, I have decided to write a letter to DH so I can explain exactly how I feel without emotions getting in the way. I'm hoping then we can discuss at length so he can also put his POV across.

Thanks again x

OP posts:

newlifeforme · 13/11/2013 13:19

My mum's way of showing affection was via food but we tended to eat very well so the treats were not an issue.In today's society its the combination of food and access to treats that have tipped the balance.

I would say you need to slowly make changes, no rush diets but just make small steps so that in a years time you are both generally eating less sugary stuff.

PS my midwife told dh to feed me chocolate so I'm not surprised if he's trying to be kind.

Andy1964 · 13/11/2013 13:29

He loves you, he loves you the way you are.
Contrary to poular 'press' opinion larger ladies are hot too.
A subject that annoys me quite alot is the way popular culture encourages women to be a certain size. Your size and shape is predetermined and you shouldn't do anything about that other than live a normal healthy life.

An please, you gave birth 10 weeks ago. Unless you are Victoria Beckham I've bad news for you. You won't be shrinking down to a size 8 anytime soon, especially if you are breastfeeding.

Like others have suggested, tell him he needs to 'feed' you the right sort of foods. (sorry for the word feed)
But please, don't worry about your size at this time in your life. You time will come when you have more time and energy to focus on YOU.

But hey, what do I know. I'm a mere bloke

gaggiagirl · 13/11/2013 13:36

Well said andy. You are more than mere!

redhappy · 13/11/2013 13:46

I think you need to listen to your instincts.

I feel like he is using food to control me

That's a problem, it's not ok for you to feel like that, and you should feel in control of your own health. If you want to eat healthier food and lose weight your husband should be supporting you in that. I don't really understand why everyone on this thread seems to be making excuses for him. If you feel you're being controlled and your opinion dismissed, then that's very likely to be the case! Disappointing to see that happening on this thread too!

Original poster

Missguided27 · 13/11/2013 16:43

I don't want to shrink down to a size 8, I have never been and will never be a size 8, that's not me. I do however feel pressure to look a certain way and be a certain size.
Maybe Andy1964 is right and I should concentrate on my DS and being healthier rather then losing weigh.

Then some day there may be time for me!

OP posts:

Original poster

Missguided27 · 13/11/2013 16:47

And redhappy, I don't feel they are making excuses for him as you put it, I think they were trying to make me see it from his POV.

OP posts:

AmandaCooper · 13/11/2013 17:22

I agree with redhappy it is not normal to "feel controlled". You have told us that he is basically ignoring the fact that you are desperately happy, that he is "obsessive" about you gaining weight to the extent that you going to Weight Watchers was a factor in you splitting up once before; that he keeps bringing you more and more fatty foods and says he actually wants you to gain weight - even though he knows you are already depressed about the weight you are at. You say it makes you feel uncomfortable.

Not sure what thread everyone else is reading. It sounds extremely concerning to me. Trust your instincts.

AmandaCooper · 13/11/2013 17:23

*unhappy

Jan45 · 13/11/2013 17:33

Breastfeeding if anything will help you return to your pre baby weight, it won't increase your weight.

As for your partner - just say no thanks, I don't feel like that and I actually would like to lose weight so I'd rather you didn't buy me so much chocolate but thank you for the kind thought. If he still continues to do this after telling him then you have a bigger problem to tackle.

It shouldn't be so hard, are you sure it's not about your own willpower and not actually being able to refuse it all? No harm in going to docs and finding out about diet plans and exercise and why wait, go for it.

ferretyfeet · 13/11/2013 17:34

Ask him to stop buying chocolates and stuff and say you would rather have some nice smellies, bubble bath,body lotion, etc that would really cheer you up,and see what he does.

Darkesteyes · 13/11/2013 23:15

OP how is he when you cook healthy meals. Does he do any cooking. Does he not do much cooking but get in the way when you are trying to by keep coming and getting in the way in the kitchen... keep getting drinks etc.

Original poster

Missguided27 · 14/11/2013 04:34

Anything I cook he will eat pretty much. He does cook from time to time mostly if I'm feeding baby

OP posts:

passedgo · 14/11/2013 21:16

Hi Miss, I asked before how much weight you wanted to lose because you do get a lot of people that put a lot of pressure on themselves to lose a lot of weight and it's only a few pounds. You have four stone to lose which is a lot and it must really slow you down and make life hard for you.

I don't know whether dh is doing this deliberately, it's unlikely, but it certainly needs to be dealt with. It sounds as though he has issues about food, perhaps that's what his mother did to him when he was younger? Whatever the reason, you need to protect your own health and wellbeing.

Writing a letter was a good first step. You need to know that he is going to support you to be the best person you can be, and plying you with things that are bad for you is undermining your health and well-being. It's simply not what partners should do to each other.

Noregrets78 · 14/11/2013 21:43

I haven't had time to read all replies... but wanted to say that I used to tease my H about being a feeder. But then I spotted other patterns and we are now divorced. Look closely at his attitude to you explaining this to him, whether he listens to you.

Mine used to plonk big meals in front of me, whether or not I was dieting, whether or not I'd asked him not to. Said it was up to me whether I ate it or not, didn't listen when I explained how hard I found it to resist, when sitting in front of me.

He eventually took great offence when I said I wanted to prepare my own food. Even then the only way to get him to stop was to refuse to eat it, even if I was hungry.

It was classic control tactics, but as I say there were other signs which I hadn't spotted before. Hopefully he will hear your feelings, and help you instead of hindering you!

Tuhlulah · 17/11/2013 17:48

Firstly, you may be extremely tired (sleep deprivation, breast feeding umpteen times a night) and this can cloud your judgement. Plus, please forgive me for saying this, as I am only trying to sound out all the options, plus you may have post natal depression, and that too clouds judgement? Because you may be seeing too much in this, and dare I say it, overreacting?

You are breastfeeding and it's unlikely you will be as slim as you were pre-pregnancy, because the body holds onto fat reserves in a different way re the hormones (or something, it's been along time since I breastfed). This is not the time to worry about your weight. You will be a bit 'cuddlier' while you are BF. And nothing wrong with that.

He is probably trying to cheer you up with the kind of things that make him feel good when he's tired. As other posters have said, it's not the best nutrition, but if it's nice, then you can have a little chocolate here and there, can't you? Moderation in all things. But tell him what you'd like. Also, he may feel that you are doing all the hard work and he can't help, so the chocolate is a kind of guilt related thing.

if you think he is a 'feeder' - did he do this pre-pregnancy? What are your reasons for thinking he is doing this.

I breastfed for 2 years and one month. In that time I was so tired I don't know how I managed to go on. My HV told me I had to stop for the sake of my own health, but I didn't know how to. (I did eventually just go cold turkey, and that was that.) I had 10 veruccas that just wouldn't go away. It is tiring. It's also a lovely time, and a valuable time. Your weight will adjust in time. But it's such early days.

Good luck x

JustALittleGreen · 17/11/2013 18:57

I don't think we have enough information here to know whether he is a feeder or not! He might be trying to make you happy in the only way he can think of OR he might be a manipulative twunt, who is using food to control you. As others have mentioned, you need to look at his reaction when you tell him how you feel about this. Sabotaging WW doesn't sound good though, especially as he then got into going to the gym himself, if he recognises the value of being fit and healthy for him, why not allow you to have that?

Re baby weight, I didn't lose all the weight until about a year pp, but that was with me making no effort whatsoever, other than breastfeeding and generally running around being a mum. It will come off and when you're feeling less "omfg I've got a newborn" you can think about the excess as well. Please don't waste this time worrying about your weight :) congratulations on the birth of your son

passedgo · 17/11/2013 21:58

The four extra stone will make you tired, and obviously a 10 week old baby but it shouldn't be 'clouding your judgement' unless you are massively sleep-deprived. You will just be really tired.

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