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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Been managing without your support for too long.

86 replies

anorak · 09/07/2006 11:27

My 16 yr old dd left home in March and resumed contact with her dad.

14 yr old dd ran away a month ago. Her dad knew where she was but refused to tell me, had to get police, social services etc. She hasn't been home since and has run away 4 times from various places till now she is living with him. There is an order for no contact but it doesn't have any kind of penal notice and is basically unenforceable, part-time judge in court refused to attach one. Legal changes recently dictate that children of 13 or over get to live where they like. Have a final court hearing in Aug. Have tried everything you can name both legal and otherwise. She wants to be there, her natural curiousity has overwhelmed her.

Haven't talked about it before cos I know my dds watch mn to see what I've said about them. But today is my birthday and nothing, no card, no messages, another knife going through me, what if they do see it? I don't think they care about me any more anyway.

I need you guys, it's been lonely as hell going through this and I need my normal life back to stop me falling into complete despair. I'm living on herbal remedies that keep you calm. I've lost touch with how I really feel, I don't dare stop taking the remedies and find out.

OP posts:

suejonez · 09/07/2006 11:30

God that sounds really miserable. But there's no post on Sunday so I hope that there may be something that arrives tomorrow. No advice but lots of sympathy.

WigWamBam · 09/07/2006 11:31

Oh Anorak ... I don't really know what to say that won't sound like platitudes, but didn't want to read your post and then ignore it.

So sorry all this is going on.

chocolatemummy · 09/07/2006 11:36

all you can do is hope that the novelty wears off with them and their dad and they come home. You have given them a home until now and at 14 and 16 they are at a very selfish age where the only people that really matter are themselves even if they don't it like that!
Today is your birthday and if you are spending it alone then dont. there will be people on here to chat to, and you can always use the space and freedom to go and spoli your sefl, go to a local leisure centre and have a long hot steam or sauna and a glass of wine afterwards!
Happy Birthday!

chocolatemummy · 09/07/2006 11:40

sorry about the typing errors, think you got the message. use the time to go and spoil yourself! it might help you think and see more clearly

fattiemumma · 09/07/2006 11:41

if a judge has awarded no contact its for a bloody good reason. i know it must be heartbreaking to sit back and watch them do this but hopefully theyw ill see what you saw in him andcome home soon.

i am trying to get no contact for my kids and this is one things that terrifies me...that one day curiosity or plain old teenage rebelion will kick in and theyw ill track him down.

i canot imagine how painfull this must be but i just wanted to say HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
hopefully they will arrive a little later today....maybe they are still asleep?

dont do cyber emotions but ((((((HUGS)))))) anyway as i feel your deserving of them

fuzzywuzzy · 09/07/2006 11:42

I don't think they don't care about you. From all you've done for them they couldn't not love you.

They're both at the vile stage of life, when they feel that everybody (generally this means mother) doesn't understand/love them and they need their own space. I'm pretty sure at some point they'll come back. Also think that your dd2 has been influenced by the stories of riches regaled to her by dd1.....

But I'd also be very worried about dd2 as your exh's wife is an escort isn't she?
Have either of your dd's told you what they want and why they feel they are right to behave in this manner???

I've found from bitter experience that if a girl is going off the rails than the only thing that works is making sympathetic noises, any attempt at being logical and pointing out said persons shortcomings is met with hostility and in my sisters case she completely lied about her actually perfectly idylic life just to justify her outrahgeous behaviour.....

Reginald · 09/07/2006 11:43

omg anorak - your younger dd went too?

((( anorak )))

this must hurt so much, especially on your birthday

Caribbeanqueen · 09/07/2006 11:44

I can't imagine how awful this must be for you. There's still time for them to call you to say happy birthday, don't give up just yet.

And if they don't, as the others have said, this is a very selfish time in their lives, at some stage they will look back and see things from your perspective, but I guess they have to make their own mistakes first.

Please go and do something nice for yourself.

Carmenere · 09/07/2006 11:51

Change your user name so that you can let off steam at least. So sorry for you.

coppertop · 09/07/2006 12:07

Anorak. I still remember your original threads where you were trying to keep your dds away from your ex. I can't begin to imagine what you must be going through right now. xxx

Original poster

anorak · 09/07/2006 12:12

Oh thank you all so much. Yes fuzzywuzzy you are exactly right about the tales of riches, have you picked that up from reading mn or do we know each other in RL? You seem to have grasped the situation so well.

I am lucky I do have my dh and ds aged 5 who are doing their utmost to give me extra love to fill the gaps today. My good friend Christie has just been round with a card and a voucher for pampering, so thoughtful.

DH is taking me out for lunch, I certainly have nothing to complain about on the support score at home.

It's just, you know, I can't stop thinking about my girls. That's it really.

OP posts:

glitterfairy · 09/07/2006 12:15

ANorak you have been so supportive of me and I wanted to say a huge amount of positive thoughts are winging your way. Not being able to talk openly on here is hell and I so understand!

I cannot imagine what you are going through today but you are not alone and brithdays tend to highlight regret as well as happiness.

FWIW I was a bloody awful teenager and regret a lot of it!

Take care and maybe if they can se your pain and our reaction they may feel like coming home soon.

fuzzywuzzy · 09/07/2006 12:21

I'm going by your previous posts Anorak.

They will realise at some point how horrible they're being you know. But in the meantime that doesn't really help fill the big yawning gaps they've left in your life....

I felt like that when my sister went mad and disappeared, she didn't appear to give a toss and my life had a huge hole where she'd been and it physically hurt....

I do hope they come home soon...

charliecat · 09/07/2006 15:37

Happy Birthday Anorak
Your dds are one day going to have dds of thier own to worry about, and then, and only then, are they going to realise what hell they put you through.
At that age you just dont have a clue, and are so up your own arse you cant see what your doing.
{{{hugs}}} You wont be the first. Im sure a lot of us mums will be going through the same hell when our littlies get bigger.

nutcracker · 09/07/2006 15:42

Perhaps they think they have gone too far and can't go back iykwim ?

I know when my mum moved out and we weren't talking after a while I felt I had done too much to just make contact again, was too worried what she'd say, so it was easier to say nothing, and have no contact at all.

Luckily for me my mum just kept trying and in the end we rebuilt our reltionship.

I know your situation is very different and you must be so worried and upset but just keep the doors open for them and they will realise eventually that you love them very much.

Happy Birthday too

Blu · 09/07/2006 15:44

Bloody hell, Anorak. I had been wondering...
I am so sorry.

Lemmingswife · 09/07/2006 15:46

So sorry to hear what an awful time you are having, anorak.

Lemmingswife · 09/07/2006 15:47

Sorry that was meant to be a sad face. I am all over the place today!
Happy birthday.

jampots · 09/07/2006 15:48

anorak - i feel so sad for you. I do hope your birthday improves for you.

My friend's dd moved out about 18 months ago (aged 12) to live with her dad. This gutted my friend but she carried on as best she could. Eventually Charlotte decided it wasnt such fun at her dads and moved back home to her mum after about a year. I have my fingers crossed for you anorak. xx

CantSleepWontSleep · 09/07/2006 16:06

Oh Anorak! I guess the big blow up was a long time coming with DD1, but at DD2. I'm sure that she must have been influenced significantly by DD1. Really hoping that you do get a phone call later, or a card in tomorrow's post.

I am glad that DH is being his superstar self, and that DS is helping too - I'm sure it must all seem a bit strange to him at the moment.

Do you want some company at all this week - I could pop over for a couple of hours one day if you just want someone to natter to, or you and DS are welcome over here if you want a change of scene.

And Happy Birthday from me and DD .

Papillon · 09/07/2006 16:10

Very sorry to hear anorak. I hope one day they come home x

Alipiggie · 09/07/2006 16:25

Happy Birthday from me too in the US and sending you

Blackduck · 09/07/2006 16:28

Oh anorak so sorry to hear this....nothing to add to anyone else's post, just thinking of you

Original poster

anorak · 09/07/2006 18:01

You guys, so much thanks.

In between drunkenly watching the tennis at our social club and going off out to god knows what, but out, in a blind desire to be out if you know what I mean...thank you for your support.

It means so much. DH and I would have gone mad by now if not for the fantastic support of friends and family. x

OP posts:

Papillon · 09/07/2006 21:04

We are here for you in all our shapes and forms

Glad to hear you have been out having a good time

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