Been managing without your support for too long.

[anorak]

My 16 yr old dd left home in March and resumed contact with her dad.

14 yr old dd ran away a month ago. Her dad knew where she was but refused to tell me, had to get police, social services etc. She hasn't been home since and has run away 4 times from various places till now she is living with him. There is an order for no contact but it doesn't have any kind of penal notice and is basically unenforceable, part-time judge in court refused to attach one. Legal changes recently dictate that children of 13 or over get to live where they like. Have a final court hearing in Aug. Have tried everything you can name both legal and otherwise. She wants to be there, her natural curiousity has overwhelmed her.

Haven't talked about it before cos I know my dds watch mn to see what I've said about them. But today is my birthday and nothing, no card, no messages, another knife going through me, what if they do see it? I don't think they care about me any more anyway.

I need you guys, it's been lonely as hell going through this and I need my normal life back to stop me falling into complete despair. I'm living on herbal remedies that keep you calm. I've lost touch with how I really feel, I don't dare stop taking the remedies and find out.

OH anorak I dont know what to say. It must be really heartbreaking for you

xxx

No wise words but lots of love coming your way - you sound so at the end of your tether. This heat doesn't help - makes everything feel like such a sodding struggle. But please don't think about your ds doing the same thing - he's different, just like your dd's are different to each other, and you're doing your best - it's all you can do. He's only 5 and needs you - like they all do.
lots of love
xxxx

Thanks for your support. I am grieving. Some days are harder than others. I'm resigned to the fact that I'm going to feel shitty for a long time. How do you accept that you have lost two of your three children in the space of a few weeks? That they are in the care of someone who has been deemed an unfit parent by a court and that no one can do a thing about it? I'm so afraid for them. You bring your babies into the world, you vow that you'll never let any harm come to them, you spend years flogging your guts out making sure they will be okay, and as soon as they are old enough to choose they choose the path you've been shielding them from all along. I can't protect them against themselves. I feel such a failure, feel I've wasted 17 years of my life and now they talk to me as if they hate me. I don't know how to mend myself and go on. All I know how to do is to plod from day to day hoping that as time goes by somehow the meaning will come back.

I have no words of wisdom, anorak, but wanted you to know I am thinking of you.xxx

Oh ANorak I am so sorry you feel this way but totally understand. It is not your failure it is in a way your success you brought them up to think independently of you and that is what they are doing. It is hard because it means they may well make the wrong choice but it shows they have stability adn support from you. When is the court case?

It will be at the end of August sometime.

Will keep my fingers crossed for you.

anorak, I am so sorry you are feeling like this. (Although it is completely understandable)
Wish I had something constructive to say.
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Thank you for getting me through that patch. I realised that I needed to go back on the St John's wort. I'd been taking kalms 3 times a day as well as SJW but recently weaned myself off the SJW. I started it again and I feel much more able to cope now. The combo doesn't blot out the trauma but it numbs it enough for you to function.

I was able to take DS to London for the day yesterday, NH Museum, River Bus, his beloved trains, St Catherine's dock and meeting Daddy after work for a meal. Daddy brought him home and I went on to meet some friends for the evening before returning. And DS was fine. He must have been picking up my vibes the other day.

Still feels sad: DD2 came with us when we had a day trip to London at Easter . But I'm back to being able to cope now. Thanks all xxx

your day out sounded good (and exhausting!). Glad the SJW is helping a bit. And August is nearly with us - not sure if it helps that the court date is getting closer, or not, but thinking of you anyway.