Been managing without your support for too long.

[anorak]

My 16 yr old dd left home in March and resumed contact with her dad.

14 yr old dd ran away a month ago. Her dad knew where she was but refused to tell me, had to get police, social services etc. She hasn't been home since and has run away 4 times from various places till now she is living with him. There is an order for no contact but it doesn't have any kind of penal notice and is basically unenforceable, part-time judge in court refused to attach one. Legal changes recently dictate that children of 13 or over get to live where they like. Have a final court hearing in Aug. Have tried everything you can name both legal and otherwise. She wants to be there, her natural curiousity has overwhelmed her.

Haven't talked about it before cos I know my dds watch mn to see what I've said about them. But today is my birthday and nothing, no card, no messages, another knife going through me, what if they do see it? I don't think they care about me any more anyway.

I need you guys, it's been lonely as hell going through this and I need my normal life back to stop me falling into complete despair. I'm living on herbal remedies that keep you calm. I've lost touch with how I really feel, I don't dare stop taking the remedies and find out.

Oh. Sad isn't it? I had some of this, DD1 did some rotten things to DD2. But now DD2 has forgotten all that, and treats DD1 like a mother.

Oh anorak, what a complete nightmare. I am so sorry. I have some knowledge of the hell one can go through thanks to b*stard x manipulating dd but to go through it twice... You poor thing.
My dd has finally and of her own accord decided to have nothing more to do with her father and the change in her has been instant and miraculous. I constantly think she may change her mind but all the signs are that she won't. It has been a long time in coming for us and dd has been damaged in the process but I hope that for all of your sakes a similar thing happens with your dds.
Take care of yourself, thinking of you, winniexxx

it is just the horrid teenage years
thinking of you babe
xxx

ANorak thinking of you! How are things?

oh anorak - you have not outlived your usefulness - they need you, even if they're too daft to realise that at the moment. And that's going to be so hard - parents get such a crap job, having to watch them go but then probably be there to pick up the pieces when they realise how stupid they've been. You said you've got their mobile numbers - do you send regular hello texts? Just keep being there - I can't imagine how heartbroken you are, and still having to carry on for your ds and dh. Lots of love xxxx

Anorak I'm so sorry. They are still kids though and don't understand the consequences of their actions, now much you will be hurt. Thry fo forgive them, I know it's hard but don't hang onto this bitterness and madness and let it spoil the relationship to come with them as adults. Just love them and give them the space to come back to you when they are ready...I'm sure it will happen. x

And have you been to your GP, I don't think what you are describing is the sort of thing that herbal remedies will help much, other than placebo.

You really need to keep on top of your own mental health, that is your first responsibility. So you can be there when they need you. Counselling and anti-depressants are not soft options.

Anorak re; the false accusation levelled against your dh. My sister did this, only she accused my parents of all sorts, it got rather bizarre when she started at me too (I hadn't lived at home for the past four years at that point). In the end I just clamly told her that if she wanted to live wherever it was up to her, and nobody hated her for it we have and always will love her completely and unconditionally, and it was her life and she has to live it as she sees best but she needed to get things into perspective, because if needs be I'd go through legal channels to clear my name (after all I deserve to live as happily as she does). I think I really caught her off guard when I said this, it opened communuication channels between us, and she knew from then that at least one person was definitely on her side (ie me, although a lot of the times I just want to give her a smack at the way she saw fit to speak about our lives and completely lied about things which didn't fit in to the poor me scenario).
Your girls will start to get things into perspective. Try not to get mad at them when they start saying ridiculous and outrageous things, reiterate how you have and always will love them, point out you and your dh and little boy deserve to live happily as they've chosen..... Tell them you'll always be there for them and your door is always open... Then leave it. Because they need to see what life is like without their mother cushioning every fall....

Hello everyone, thanks for your messages. I am okay today. I have to take each day as it comes but the good days are outnumbering the bad days now. I was particularly upset when I posted this thread because they hadn't sent me a birthday card.

I've reduced the amount of herbs I'm taking now and I'm coping okay. Have one or two milestones coming up: we have to get our statement in to court by the end of the week and I guess that means we will receive a copy of his, which I expect to be riddled with character-blackening false allegations.

I have texted DD2 a couple of times but it's very tough, I hardly know what to say to her.

I think just short texts letting them know you're thinking about them, hope they're OK, is enough. It'll make it easier for them to come back when they're ready to/have come to their senses.

oh anorak, I'm so sorry it has turned out this way for you

Still here anorak and thinking of you. You will have to give us the date of yur court case so we can send positive messages.

Having contact with your X must have been so hard as well when you have worked so ahrd to carve out another life. I really hope things work out.

anorak - can you send both your girls letters - basically saying you love them, you want them to be happy, you would prefer them to be with you - but are not going to put pressure on them. Tell them they can come to you whenever they need or want to - just for a hug, or to stay.

Tell them they are growing up and starting to take there own choices about life, but ask them to remember you are there for them in any way you can help.

And accept that you are going to have to deal with them on an adult level (albeit they are not fully there yet) - allow them to make their own mistakes but try and be their best friend.

And enjoy the rest of your family at home.

I hope things improve for you soon.

Thanks for your messages. The court hearing is in August.

throckenholt I have said all those things to the girls, I don't think I'd want to write them in a letter because recently everything we've said and done has been twisted into something nasty and served back up to us. My tactic is to step back and leave them to it at the moment. I have talked and talked till I'm blue in the face, they know I'll always be there for them and to be honest I think that is one of the reasons they feel safe enough to disregard me to this extent . Sometimes I feel I have been too soft as a mother and loved them too much, IYSWIM.

anorak, have nothing constructive to say but feel for you so much {{{{{{{{{}}}}}}}}}}
Thinking of you, winniex

Thinking of you here too anorak ((( anorak )))

{{anorak}} - it is tough being a parent sometimes.

My reason for writing it is, it is something concrete - they can keep it - and maybe look at it when they are having a bad time - a bit of a security blanket. Sometimes that might help, even though you know you have said it.

Sometimes things you say are not believed, or remembered, and having it in writing makes it more real.

Anyway - you know your kids best - keep faith in them.

Anorak I think you are spot on here.

My experience with terminal care over 12 years has been that we often are the rudest and careless with those we love because we trust them implicitly and know they will be always there for us no matter what.

I have watched teenagers be so cruel to their mums (yes it is usually their mums) and their mums be bewildered because they felt it was personal. THen the teenager has died clasping their mum and telling them how much they love them and how sorry they are because they knew their mum wouldnt mind and they had to put on a show for everyone else.

I know when I connect well with someone in those circumstances because they start to behave badly and I have to live with that as a sign of trust.

Thinking of you!

xx

OMG glitterfairy how terrible for those mums! What you've said has really affected me, I take my hat off to you working in those circumstances, it must be really really hard to do.

I phoned DD1 this morning and had a good chat with her. She is going away travelling in Europe for a few weeks. She said she was really sorry she forgot my birthday - she's been totally absorbed in a work project and genuinely forgot. She isn't used to hacking being frantically busy and still taking care of loved ones like we are

Good I am really glad anorak!

I loved the work and although I no longer do it (think you only can for so long) still miss it in some ways. Dying strips all the rubbish away and people are totally genuine and that is why I think when kids are rude to parents or even when they treat them with what appears to be a lack of regard it is really because they know that whatever they do their parent will be there for them.

so glad you had a good chat with your daughter - sounds positive and maybe good that she's getting off around Europe for a bit - give her some distance from everything? Good luck and hope the lines of communication keep getting stronger with both your dd's.

I'm having a really bad day.

I was planning to take my DS down to Devon for a couple of days, normal me wouldn't hesitate I'd be in the car and off. But I got up this morning and I couldn't stop crying. After a while I knew I couldn't handle going, couldn't bear the thought of being away from DH and trying to cope with a 5 year old on my own on a long journey.

I took him into town instead, he did nothing but whinge and whine even though we did everything he asked to do.

I suppose all small children (and everyone else for that matter) has the potential to be grumpy in this weather but normally I love it. I feel so hopeless. Can't understand what my life is about any more, it feels like there isn't any point. I go through the motions but I can't concentrate on anything when I'm having a day like this. I don't know how to trust my DS and DS as I feel one day they will reject me like DDs and I can't see the point in my life.