Been managing without your support for too long.

[anorak]

My 16 yr old dd left home in March and resumed contact with her dad.

14 yr old dd ran away a month ago. Her dad knew where she was but refused to tell me, had to get police, social services etc. She hasn't been home since and has run away 4 times from various places till now she is living with him. There is an order for no contact but it doesn't have any kind of penal notice and is basically unenforceable, part-time judge in court refused to attach one. Legal changes recently dictate that children of 13 or over get to live where they like. Have a final court hearing in Aug. Have tried everything you can name both legal and otherwise. She wants to be there, her natural curiousity has overwhelmed her.

Haven't talked about it before cos I know my dds watch mn to see what I've said about them. But today is my birthday and nothing, no card, no messages, another knife going through me, what if they do see it? I don't think they care about me any more anyway.

I need you guys, it's been lonely as hell going through this and I need my normal life back to stop me falling into complete despair. I'm living on herbal remedies that keep you calm. I've lost touch with how I really feel, I don't dare stop taking the remedies and find out.

Having a real pig of a bad day. Yesterday was the worst birthday I've ever had. There doesn't seem to be any point in anything. Every day I keep saying tomorrow I will get my life back to normal. But I just can't.

For the first two or three weeks I was frantically busy, on the phone all the time to the police, social services, my solicitor.

Now there's nothing but emptiness.

((( anorak )))

reginald, who are you really?

Anorak I am sending you my thoughts. Dont know what else to say as this seems a totally awful situation and incredibly hard for you!

Im very sorry to hear this Anorack.

My sister decided when she was about 14 that she would be better off with our dad, who had moved a couple of hours away by then. One night my mom got a phone call from the police to say she was needed at the station and when she got there my dad and sister were waiting. She had to sign something to say that he wasnt kidnapping her and off they went. She didnt call or write very often and it was really hard on everyone. She came home after a year realising that the grass wasnt greener.

I really hope that the novelty for them wears off soon and you get your girls back.

Hugs

(Tamba)

(I'm spacedonkey)

I've followed your threads for a while too: I'm just gutted for you that dd2 has now been sucked into the whole mess. Have you still got contact with dd2?

btw it makes me furious that the law doesn't help us to protect our children if they are over 13. I have had a similar(ish) situation with my dd (just turned 15). Even though an adult man (not a family member) was plotting with her to run away, the police said there was nothing they could do. I find that so depressing

really sorry anorak. Agree with posters who commented on this being a self obsessed age - having gone to your ex's it would be hard to have the maturity to communicate with you possibly, knowing how you feel about the situation - easier to put their heads in the sand. I do hope they see matters more clearly for themselves, it might be that once they have seen for themselves you have their 100% support and become closer as a result. I do hope so and I do hope soon. I was a horrible teenager myself and I regret all the wasted time entailed.
It's my birthday on Friday and my father just died. I'm glad I realised in the end what a remarkable man he was. You are clearly pretty special, and your daughters will come to see that again I'm sure, I suspect guilt might be clouding things at the moment and they'll need to let go of that too.
Sorry if none of this makes any sense. Good wishes, anyway

Littlecarlos I've heard lots of stories like that, and they do help to keep me going. I'm just so afraid that the good reasons for the non-contact will result in damage to my girls, also I'm afraid of the amount of damage they've done. They've made false allegations against my dh to try and justify what they've done. They've withdrawn the worst of these now, but he's heartbroken and I'm afraid he won't be able to forgive them so the future looks quite bleak.

Reginald I do have contact with them both, with their mobile phones. I have met up with them once since DD2 left, but it was really upsetting as they talked to me as if I were superfluous to their lives, it was horrible.

Anorak, I am so sorry your dd2 is now caught up in this miserable situation.
I cannot believe that your dds will not soon see their father for what he really is, and finally understand why you have worked so hard to keep him out of your lives.
Sending you lots of love and very glad you have ds and your dh at home XXX

anorak I put my mother through a similar thing when I was a teen. To sum it up basically, the grass is greener on the other side, but eventually the greener grass gets eaten and the land is barren, meanwhile the grass has regrown on the other side and thats the best meadow after all.
I cannot believe now at 35 what I put my mother through, but I am glad to say it is not insurmountable to reconcile. It took me a ,ong time to see it though - probably 17-18 yrs old grudglingly and full on normality at 22.
It is a desperate time, teens like the power os suiting themselves.
Try to accept that if they are not in danger then you might just have to let go for a while, lest it consumes your soul entirely.
Big hugs honey xxxxxxxxxxxx

anorak, i really feel for you It is heartbreaking how selfish teenagers can be. In a way, i hope your dd's do see this on mn and maybe they will realise how much you are hurting.xxxx

piffle I am trying to let them go. Some days I am okay, I almost feel like normal, but other days I feel utterly rejected, bewildered. Their empty rooms mock me, I can't cook meals because the small size of them hits me in the face. I shop and have to keep telling myself not to buy this and that because it will go to waste. The clock turns and no keys bother my front door. I have outlived my usefulness.

There is nothing as vile as a teenager girl on a "Get off my back" bender. I think the only way through it is to harden yourself to the person they are now, remember the child they used to be and look forward to the adult they will become, when they are through all their adolescent angst.

Look after yourself. Don't beat yourself up about all this - they are individuals making their own mistakes and part of parenting is letting go and being there for them in the fall out.

Msn me if you like; gggglimpopo at hotmail dot com

I'm grieving and I'm afraid of getting over it because if I get over it my heart might not leap for joy when they come back to my door one day.

Hi anorak - lots of wise words here so far, and I'm sure it is one of those terrible teenage phases that will eventually be resolved. That doesn't make it any easier for you right now though. Take care and I hope you're feeling a little sunnier soon. xx

Oh yes ggg you've had probs with your dd haven't you?

The awful thing is that it IS a terribly difficult age at which most teenagers strive to push and test their parents to the max, and it seems to me that their father has exploited this instead of supporting you in doing what is best for your dds.

I agree with all the others who have said that sooner or later they will both see him for what he is and come back to you anorak. It's awful for you having to live through this time when they seem to be rejecting you (and dreadful taht they are telling lies about dh too). You have worked and worked to protect them (by keeping them away from their father) - I expect he has portrayed this in an altogether different light to them though ... casting you as some sort of witch who wants to stop them having their father etc. Your dds aren't stupid - eventually they will see through this. I just pray that they emerge the other side of this relatively unscathed, bearing in mind what he does for a living

I'm just so sad for you anorak. You don't deserve any of this shit.

Yes reginald everything you said is spot on.

anorak
firstly happy birthday for yesterday
xxx

and hugs babe
xxx
I am [email protected] if you want to msn me
take care sweetie

desperate have you had any probs like this?

not exactly but had to throw my dd3 out last week
she has gone to live with dd2 at the mo
until her attitude changes
call me a bad mother but cant afford
for my other kids to get hurt
as dd3 threw ds1 into a wardrobe
and he got hurt