can you recover from infidelity

[russdb]

2 weeks ago, I found out my partner of 13 years and mother of 5year old girl and 3year old boy had met with a young boy from her work and had sex together. It happened on 2 occasions. We have talked and I do believe it was 'just sex'. Our relationship has had its ups and downs but I always felt we had a great bond. We are working our way through it and I understand its early days, but I just don't know if ill be able to forgive her. I truely want to as I love her dearly and I believe she loves me. We havnt been able to have sex properly since as I'm very anxious and the pressure to perform seems to have affected me. This in turn is making me worry about our relationship more. Its a bit of a viscous circle. Never had a problem. Can we get through this and be happy. What's your experiences.

Why would you want to? The relationship obviously isn't what you thought it was.

Because I love her and my family is important to me. I honestly feel it was a blip.

How did you find out OP? Did you partner confess to you or did you discover something? I think how you found out is really important in trying to deal with it/moving forward.

I'd strongly suggest that you separate for a short time. You're acting out of shock and relief that you haven't been replaced at the moment. You want to believe the best of her even though I doubt you've had the full story. You want it to be a meaningless blip that you 'get through' even though it is clearly affecting you very badly. Please take some time to yourself to work out how you feel without the pressure of 'keeping the family together' clouding your judgement. You may benefit from couples counselling.

Erm young boy? How old was he?

She went for a work night out and was home late on thefFriday night. Then on the following Thursday I was working nights. She didn't text and I tried phoning. There was no answer and we had just got new phones and do the location sharing thing. I discovered she wasn't at home and returned at 2am. I phoned her at home and we had it out. She said it was just sex. He is 22 she is 35. We have spoke about our relationship and been very open. I do forgive her and accept what she says. But just finding it very hard. Life has changed at the flick of a switch. I know its baby steps but finding it hard to trust her. I want to though. Just want others experiences ad to if they recovered.

You can but you need space to breathe before you tackle it. Your feelings take a little while to settle down.

Op if the situation was reversed, I honestly don't know if I could forgive and move on; I suppose it's an individual thing.

It's completely understandable that you have issues concerning intimacy/sex..all I can say is that I agree with cogito, maybe you need some time apart..(though I know this can be difficult with young children!).

When you feel ready, you need to talk and you may need to drill down to get to the bottom of why she did it. It's important. It won't be pleasant, but might be necessary. Is she remorseful or flippant about it?

No she is remorsal, but it just feels as though its changed. If I'm honest I'd like her to be more remorsal but I want to move on from it.

Well that's a start...but equally, I understand why you'd want her to be more remorseful..it would show (in someone's mind) that she understands the magnitude of what's happened..I don't know op.. You need to talk. You do (as we all do) deserve a faithful partner but equally, many people have moved on from indiscretions.
It's that old cliché - communication. Do you find it easy to talk to each other?

If you put pressure on yourself to move on without her showing true remorse then you'll be in a very weak position. The way you describe it, she made no attempt to hide her whereabouts, instant admission when challenged - almost like she wanted to be caught out so that she could give you the news you'd been replaced by some younger model. Not so much an affair as sticking up two fingers in your general direction. Have you been getting on as a couple up to this point?

I'd always thought we were solid. We would argue but she viewed it different. She does find it hard to communicate and now we actually seem to be talking. Just feel so sad though. I want to cry and the feeling of anxiety and depression is debilitating.

I don't think you can. People say they have has made them stronger etc but I have never in my own circle of friends met anyone who when really pushed says it changed the relationship forever and was never the same

Don't fight the feeling of wanting to cry or the anxiety; it's natural. What I would say is that I have no clue whatsoever if you can make his work, BUT if you thought you were solid, there may be room to work it out, or not. It depends how well you know each other. You need a genuinely frank discussion. G

Good luck was what I was trying to say before my iPhone went haywire! x

Would you consider some couples counselling at Relate?

I would consider counselling. Don't know if its her cup of tea. I've mentioned it in passing.

IME I would say that it only works if there is counselling involved and you live apart while you both have time to really consider what you want.x

Well I want to hold onto the fact that we can get stronger from it. But its hard in respects I want to grieve but at the same time show I am trying for the sake of usand our family.

Thats why you need counselling and space to grieve and not cling on to something and give your W the time she needs to miss you and work out what she really thinks of youxx

Does she want to stay with you? Because if she does, you can make going to counselling a condition, if you want. You get to call the shots here. You say what you need.

Unless she is willing to do everything she possibly can to earn back your trust and respect, it probably won't work out, tbh.

I think you can only get through this if she is fully open to doing whatever you need to get that trust back. So if you think that counselling would help, then I feel she absolutely has to do it.

I'm worried that it sounds like you've put so much pressure on yourself to move on. Are you worried that if you keep the topic open too long you are going to lose her? It sounds like you are on the back foot her, whereas I'd be expecting her to be bending over backwards to show remorse and that she will do anything to earn your trust.

I feel like all the work has to come from her-not you. Even if you are questioning what you could have done to prevent this etc.

From a woman's perspective (and I'm so sorry to say this) I really don't think many women can just have sex with someone else when they are in a relationship.
We are talking stereotypes of course but women usually need some kind of connection or incentive to stray.
So either, she's craving attention/affirmation and has gone elsewhere (I'd stress this is selfish and NOT your fault!!) or she's considering your relationship and wondering what life outside it is like.

Whatever her motivation, there is more to it and I know it's painful but you really have to know the whole open truth before you can move on.

I really hope you can sort this out as you sound so invested in the relationship but I really think you have to enter this time with full acknowledgment that it may just not be possible to move on. If it is, the emphasis has to be on her-understanding why and her helping you learn to trust her again.

I agree with a pp that she hasn't tried to hide this, so the fact she's been quite blatant would make me question her commitment to you and resolving this issue.

There was no way if her hiding it. I had her bang to rights. I found phone records via our tmobile account. She tried to hide it but had nothing to say.

Sadly if it is you that found out rather than an honest confession I feel its much harder. This just happened to me.

And even after finding out you may find eventually that you still havent got all the truth (I didnt)