can you recover from infidelity

[russdb]

2 weeks ago, I found out my partner of 13 years and mother of 5year old girl and 3year old boy had met with a young boy from her work and had sex together. It happened on 2 occasions. We have talked and I do believe it was 'just sex'. Our relationship has had its ups and downs but I always felt we had a great bond. We are working our way through it and I understand its early days, but I just don't know if ill be able to forgive her. I truely want to as I love her dearly and I believe she loves me. We havnt been able to have sex properly since as I'm very anxious and the pressure to perform seems to have affected me. This in turn is making me worry about our relationship more. Its a bit of a viscous circle. Never had a problem. Can we get through this and be happy. What's your experiences.

You have to have the space and opportunity to express how you really feel about this. If you suppress it and try to pretend everything's OK you'll make yourself ill. If she doesn't see how upset you are and doesn't show enough remorse the danger is she'll wait until the dust settles and then be a bit more careful in future to cover her tracks. Mistrust is highly corrosive and a recipe for misery. It doesn't just go away because you want it to go away. You were already checking the phone records. Do you really want to be 'that guy' who is twitching every time a text comes in or worried every time she's a bit late back from a night out? Don't be made a fool of...

Don't think she wanted to get caught. She had had some depression which I didn't really understand. Our youngest son has been very hard work. She said she felt alone which I can appreciate. I tried to make things easier by doing the ironing, housework, dishwasher, clearing after dinner etc. But I think she was crying out for more help with the kids. I typically saw it as mum and dad roles and this I understand. It doesn't explain her cheating but I sympathise with the feeling alone. I can't turn back time and feel absolutely gutted at the mo as I love her dearly. I guess like some posters say, I want her to be bending over backwards for me. But there is more to it. Am I being a mugg?

Don't know if youre being a mug. I found by asking to see my fiances phone but a few weeks later after we have split ive found a lot more out. Basically he was cheating our whole relationship.

How is her reaction? Does she blame you at all? Minimise the severity of her actions?
Has she said she will be upfront from now.
I appreciate its very hard to end it if you love her. I still love my fiance but im aware im in love with a different person ifyswim.

If she 'felt alone' or wanted more help around the house the answer, surely, would have been to talk to you (or a GP if she has depression) rather than go out looking for sex? Sympathy and forgiveness is all very noble but - using the same logic - what happens the next time she feels a bit down or over-stretched? Repeat performance?

So we've been speaking today. Partner has spoke with her mum today, who normally offers very little support. We have since spoke and a lot more has come out. She realises how wrong it was to meet this boy. She's normally very much against it. But she kind of found herself lusting after this boy. Its hurtful, but she had said that she realises how good we have it and that the last 3 years with our son had really taken its toll on our relationship. She has suffered from depression and she said she is starting to feel normal again, but didn't think about our unit. A bit of affection and attention from someone outside the norm turned her. It going to be hard for me to get it out of my head but I want my girl back. She said she is going to speak to him and be honest with him and explain our situation, delete his number and hopefully move us on. I want to believe her. I hope I can believe her. I said if she's not 100% committed to our recovery, then it will fail. This has made me realise exactly how much I love her. And maybe this was part of the problem in the first place.

She doesn't need to speak to him. I would get her to send him a text, which I could read first, saying it's over. Or, if she must speak, she should do it in your presence.

I think you are in very real danger of being taken for a fool, read back through the advice you have been given on here-particularly Cogs she is wise & usually bang on with her perceptions.

Btw, you keep calling him a boy and her a girl. How old is your wife? They are both adults, they are men and women. They are making adult choices. Your posts come across as if you are older than them and are 'fathering' them (quite indulgently too).

I refered to him as a boy as he is 22. I didn't refer to my partner as a girl. She is 35, soon to be 36. I am 36 too. She said she found herself lusting after him. Me and mypartner have always had a very healthy sex life. Always trusted her beyond belief. Lately things had changed though with the pressures of our second child. I honestly believe what she tells me, but something now seems eternaly lost from our relationship. I want it back.

Something is lost. The bit problem with infidelity is that is smashes up something very intangible which is 'trust'. It's not a particularly rational thing either. It's an emotion based not only on experience & judgement but sometimes just a vague 'feeling'. Once someone has shown they can't be trusted, it's not something you can easily ignore. Sometimes... and I hate to break it to you .... no amount of effort on their part or 'wanting it back' on your part can restore the trust. Things are always different.

The examples I've seen of people who have been through this and retained their relationship are when they have approached it 100% wholeheartedly and openly. Things are still different but, often after years of counselling, soul-searching and consistently trustworthy behaviour, they manage it. You said earlier she's going to 'hopefully move us on'... and that doesn't shout enthusiasm to me.

BTW... you said 'I want my girl back'....

I don't think you are being a mug, but I also think your hope to make this work is clouding things. You don't want to be without her so it sounds like you are treading too lightly and probably aren't fully expressing the natural anger, resentment and disgust you feel. That will have to come out eventually.

By talking about showing her how much you love her, you are taking some responsibility for her behaviour.
I don't think that responsibility lies with you.
It's important you don't feel you have to win and beat the younger, potentially fitter man (a fear you probably have as she's lusting after him).
It's natural to feel you are now in some way competing with him but it's not about him. He could be anyone!

You really need to stop trying to work out what you can do to make it work-and in effect what you can do to keep her and make sure it doesn't happen again. She's the one who has broken the trust and it's completely up to her to mend and maintain that trust now.

Has she been to counselling for her depression? I think that's really important.

If it was my DH, him lusting after someone wouldn't negate it, nor would the depression. It's not an animal desire that has to be acted on. In our relationship it would spell the immediate end. I think you are very courageous to embark on the long journey to rebuild your relationship. Just please don't take on all of the burden yourself, or you will come out feeling like a mug then.

Dear russdb, if I was in your position I’d show up at my DW’s workplace and ask her to point out the little shitbag. Then I’d go and punch him hard in the face scare the crap out of him. I’m not a tough guy but I figure righteous fury would give me the edge. This would make me feel a lot better (and probably help with the problem downstairs) and I think my DW would respect me more (she’d deny it but I'm sure it’s true). Then lots of counselling for us both. Hope it all works out for you – you’re being very brave.

Oh yes... take it out on the OM... That'll have her scurrying back to her alpha-male... The OM is not the person the OP has a relationship with.

I am in the process of this after my dh confessed having sex with a woman he met through work, twice. There are a few on here battling with similar, it is very very hard and I don't yet know how it works out as its too early for me to say (I found out in June, he told me which I am, if I am honest, still very upset about in itself as I feel it would have been kinder of him to not tell me since it had ended already at that point)

I had an affair almost immediately after, thinking it would help, and I needed to feel I was still attractive or something. It's all left me very confused and I still struggle with what he has thrown away as it will never be the same but we are still together and hopefully will stay that way. For me the implications of separating are not worth it, not saying that's the case for anyone else but it is for me for various reasons.

Cogito, the OP asks if his relationship can recover from this. From what you’ve written, it seems like you think the answer is no. I think maybe it can, but only if he rediscovers his masculine energy. The OP has been massively emasculated by these two and he needs to stand up for himself and his marriage. They work together for god’s sake! Obviously he doesn’t have a relationship with the OM, but every guy knows that if you fuck another man’s wife then you’re probably going to get thumped.

Because of course, violence is the answer to everything. Masculine energy, my arse. The OM is totally incidental to this story and it's wrong focus on him. I don't think this relationship is past saving but the partner chose to screw around and, unless there is real remorse and real change on their part, the exact same thing could happen again.

Just wanted to add, I think we mostly hear apin real life about those couples whose relationships did not survive infidelity. And that could be because not many do but it could also be that we only hear when they have broken down. I haven't told anyone other than one very trusted friend in my life as I know if friends and family knew, our relationship wouldn't work and I would feel wore about it all.

Violence against a male is just as bad as violence against a female. I very much doubt your dw would respect you for punching someone in the face.

From your posts there is a tinge of desperation. You love her and want it to go back to how it was before. You can't go back. Do you know that?
All the effort seems to be on your side. That adds to the desperate aura. I can't see anything of her in this.

Cogito, please don’t put words into my mouth. Of course violence is not the answer to everything but it may well be the answer to this. I admit that ‘masculine energy’ sounds a bit woo but what I originally wrote looked kind of cruel so I changed it. The OM is not incidental at all, not while he’s sitting in the same office as the OP’s partner. He knew exactly what he was doing and is just as guilty as she is, in my opinion. Yes she needs to change but maybe the OP needs to change a bit too. And boosting his ‘masculine energy’ or whatever you want to call it might be a step in the right direction.

Fairenuff, really? Violence against a male is just as bad as violence against a female. Just, really? No wonder there are a generation of guys wandering around like confused man-childs who can’t find their balls. And by the way it doesn’t sound like she respects him much at the moment, hence the screwing around. Desperate times, desperate measures, and all that…

Not really stale, resorting to punching someone in the face because you have limited use of your intelligent reasoning and communication skills, does not make you a man. It's rather childish actually. Not impressive at all.

The OP's partner is the person he has the relationship with. The OM may share the guilt but he owes the OP nothing . The OM is not responsible for luring this woman astray.... although granted that's a popular idea among those who have been cheated on. Scaring him off achieves nothing concrete - warm glow notwithstanding. She is the one that has to change for this to resolve. She is the one that has to reject the OM, enthusiastically re-engage with the OP, agree to the counselling and rebuild the trust (if that's possible) etc

Fairenuff, I didn’t say punching someone makes you a man, I said punching someone who fucked your wife can go a long way towards feeling less emasculated. But what you said was Violence against a male is just as bad as violence against a female and I think that attitude is really dangerous, on several levels.

Cogito, The OM is not responsible for luring this woman astray – how do you know this? Scaring him off achieves nothing concrete - warm glow notwithstanding – seeing off a love rival seems pretty concrete, and what’s wrong with a warm glow? She is the one that has to reject the OM, enthusiastically re-engage with the OP – and who’s to say a smack in the chops isn’t going to help with this? Of course it could go horribly wrong and, to be clear, I’m not advising the OP to do this. I’m just saying that it’s what I’d do in his situation.

stale punching another man because he shagged your wife smacks of male ownership of women and blind violence

that is why it is never a good idea, although I appreciate it might make you feel better for 5 minutes

no woman with an ounce of self respect, emotional intelligence or a feminist bone in her body would see it as a good thing, believe me

reducing this whole thing to an episode of Jeremy Kyle will just make you look like a dick, provide entertainment for onlookers and won't help the situation