can you recover from infidelity

[russdb]

2 weeks ago, I found out my partner of 13 years and mother of 5year old girl and 3year old boy had met with a young boy from her work and had sex together. It happened on 2 occasions. We have talked and I do believe it was 'just sex'. Our relationship has had its ups and downs but I always felt we had a great bond. We are working our way through it and I understand its early days, but I just don't know if ill be able to forgive her. I truely want to as I love her dearly and I believe she loves me. We havnt been able to have sex properly since as I'm very anxious and the pressure to perform seems to have affected me. This in turn is making me worry about our relationship more. Its a bit of a viscous circle. Never had a problem. Can we get through this and be happy. What's your experiences.

Hi russdb, it's great to hear you sound so positive about where you want to go from here. A crisis like this can actually bring you both closer together, though I would definitely recommend counselling. Good luck - I'm sure you can both make it work if that's what you want.

Mist, you're putting words into my mouth again: No, you were talking about punching someone in the face. It's up there ^ in black and white. Please tell me in which post I suggested it would be a good idea to "walk into a workspace, from cold, and punch someone in the face." Because I did not say that.

stalepalemale Mon 11-Nov-13 15:06:58
Dear russdb, if I was in your position I’d show up at my DW’s workplace and ask her to point out the little shitbag. Then I’d go and punch him hard in the face scare the crap out of him.

You must have forgotten you typed that, so I thought I'd help you out

Don't thank me

Yep, you can get past this.
Do you want to - "she'll talk to him and tell him it's over" doesn't sound wholehearted to me.

I'd be suggesting she demonstrates her commitment a bit more than that.
Do you own property jointly? How would you/she manage the children if you separate?

TBH, I'd suggest she moves out for a bit.

CarryOn again, I'm not so sure that is just a male thing. There is nothing so ferocious than a female protecting her young. I think, if anyone tried to take our children away, male or female, we would fight hard to protect them.

I don't think this infidelity is any different from countless other infidelities on mn and the advice is always the same. Both parties have to be fully committed if they want to make it work. That means that the cheater has to accept full responsibility for their actions, give full and frank disclosure of all details for as long as the other person needs/wants.

They need to work hard to gain back trust and respect because the relationship can't function without that. It's very, very hard. It can take several years to rebuild, if ever.

Oh dear Mist, are you being deliberately misleading or does your computer not show strikethroughs? Here's what I actually wrote:

"Then I’d go and punch him hard in the face scare the crap out of him."

But nice try

Back tracker Have the courage of your convictions.

For gods sake people, this poor guy is going through hell and all you can do is argue about something you have written on his post.

Op, I think it will be hard, but with maximum commitment and effort from both of you, there is no reason to believe it can't be salvaged and better than before. You are clearly committed and good on you for being the better man who has not been and "scared the crap out of him". I know if I was in the place you are I would probably be thinking of making a stand against the toe rag, but your DW must want to be with you in some way or she would have left when discovered. Keep your chin up, talk it through and don't be afraid of pushing her away by talking about it to her. She is the one you need to reconcile with and she needs to know that you are the better man. Of course, should she do it again in future, you will know that it is not right and you can walk away knowing you did your best. Not what you want to hear I am sure, but if it's worth fighting for in your mind, give it your best shot and remember we are here for you. Good luck buddy.

But Mist, I don't want any convictions, that's why I wouldn't punch someone out of the blue... Peace

Peace out