can you recover from infidelity

[russdb]

2 weeks ago, I found out my partner of 13 years and mother of 5year old girl and 3year old boy had met with a young boy from her work and had sex together. It happened on 2 occasions. We have talked and I do believe it was 'just sex'. Our relationship has had its ups and downs but I always felt we had a great bond. We are working our way through it and I understand its early days, but I just don't know if ill be able to forgive her. I truely want to as I love her dearly and I believe she loves me. We havnt been able to have sex properly since as I'm very anxious and the pressure to perform seems to have affected me. This in turn is making me worry about our relationship more. Its a bit of a viscous circle. Never had a problem. Can we get through this and be happy. What's your experiences.

'how do you know this?'

Because a free-thinking individual who wants to be faithful to their partner is 100% capable of saying 'no thanks'. A faithful person cannot be persuaded to be unfaithful.

i don't want to derail the thread (and its certainly not my way) but a cuckolded husband puching the OM is not neccessarily about demonstrating ownership of the wife or gf, its more about male-male inreactions being a fight for status and, basic though it is, if someone has demonstrated they are a more appealing lover and that they are not scared of wronging you then [as a male who values the status thing]dignified silences or verbal dressing downs won't cut it

and it is also expected amongst men in most places i have lived that you get punched for sleeping with another man's gf/wife

And where have you lived exactly? The 16th century? FFS

Yuk.

I thought we had moved on from the Neanderthal Age.

To answer the original question, yes, your relationship can survive.

Someone close to me found out about her DH infidelity. She was beyond devastated, furious and on the verge of leaving.

He was absolutely horrified at her leaving and did all he could to make it work. They had counselling. The counsellor was very hard on him and he took it. She did many things to express her rage. Some of them must have really affected him and only a strong marriage could have survived such emotional wreckage. It went on for a long time. She looked so ill her dd thought she had cancer.

He changed. He was so much more affectionate and careful as a husband. He never ever criticises her in public and they are, I think genuinely happy. This was ten years ago. I was told about six years ago. I couldn't believe it, yet I could.

So yes, but you will take a long time to recover. Your wife does need to be truly remorseful. She needs to take responsibility for her actions. Difficult three year old? Doesn't equate to cheating on your husband. Fine, get help with him but don't let her use that as an excuse.

I hope she will see the enormity of what she has done and then counselling may be helpful.

Ps likely a 22year old may be fitter and stronger than you. No punching.

Mist, punching another man because he shagged your wife smacks of male ownership of women and blind violence – no it doesn’t, it smacks of healthy human nature. Violence is part of masculinity, whether you like it or not. Of course that doesn’t mean men should go around starting fights like neanderthals, but the OP has every right to physically defend his marriage against someone who’s attacking it.

Cogito, A faithful person cannot be persuaded to be unfaithful – I think we can all agree that the OP’s partner is not a faithful person. But that doesn’t mean the OM hasn’t lured her away. He may have spent months actively pursuing her, we just don’t know. That doesn’t make her less guilty, but it does make him even more deserving of a bloody nose than if it was her doing the pursuing.

You sound quite ridiculous, stale

I imagine if Op did this it would provide many hours of entertainment around the water cooler/dinner party anecdotes/gleeful gossiping.

Give me self respect any day. But then, I advocate walking away at the first disclosure of infidelity, so I don't reckon I am any way near the same page when it comes to dealing with such an utter betrayal.

What happens if the cuckolded puncher gets his head kicked in, btw ? Not much male pride going to be salvaged from that, is there ?

If someone is faithful, they could be actively pursued for years and they'd still say 'no thanks'. No-one in a civilised society deserves a bloody nose. Grow up

Mist, What happens if the cuckolded puncher gets his head kicked in, btw ? Not much male pride going to be salvaged from that, is there ? – well you do have a point, which is why I said that I wasn’t advising the OP to do this. Though he’s got righteous fury and the element of surprise on his side, plus the OM’s going to be in work-mode so probably not feeling very fighty. It comes down to, how much is the OP willing to risk to win his lover back? On the other hand he could always just LTB.

Cogito, No-one in a civilised society deserves a bloody nose. Grow up – I think it might be you that needs to grow up and see the world how it really is, not how you wish it would be. You can be as civilised as you like, but you can’t ignore human nature. Nor should you want to.

I think you have to be a certain kind of person to walk into a workspace, from cold, and punch someone in the face.

I get losing your temper in the heat of the moment, but planning and calculatedly doing it is a whole different ball game. If you are not that way inclined, it is much more likely to end up as a quite ridiculous farce where Op goes running across the floor, fists flailing, probably missing his mark and looking like a complete nob and laughing stock. I've seen it happen. Not worth it.

I wonder if your version of "human nature" still involves dragging women you fancy back to your cave by the hair ...

But what you said was Violence against a male is just as bad as violence against a female and I think that attitude is really dangerous, on several levels

It is attitudes like this that stop men coming forward for help when they are abused by women.

Indeed.

I think you have to be a certain kind of person to walk into a workspace, from cold, and punch someone in the face.

And, of course, you'd be arrested and charged with assault. Not many men want a criminal record courtesy of the man who shagged their wife.

Indeed, again

I think you have to be a certain kind of person to walk into a workspace, from cold, and punch someone in the face.

Except I never said that, I said scare the crap out of. The rest is about what I'd be prepared to do if the OM escallated it. Yes it's primal male stuff, but it's nothing like hair-dragging. These two broke the "civilised" rules, so it's up to the OP whether he does as well. Of course things must be proportionate (and legal). What you describe are two wildly unlikely scenarios. I'm sure the OP is able to work out other scenarios in which he doesn't come across as either psycho or silly. I'm talking big speeches, "you homewrecker, if you were any kind of man you'd fight me for her" kind of thing. Shame the fucker. And be prepared to defend yourself.

I've seen it happen.

Have you, Mist? Have you really?

Yes. Your point ?

I'm talking big speeches, "you homewrecker, if you were any kind of man you'd fight me for her" kind of thing.

Ah well, that's different, no violence involved but, actually, what we are saying OP is that you don't have to 'fight' for her, if she does not want to commit to you, then you are better off without her.

Unless she shows, by her every word and action, that she accepts 100% of the blame for cheating and is 100% committed to working on the relationship, it's not even worth you trying. You can't fix this on his own.

On your own, OP.

No, you were talking about punching someone in the face. It's up there ^ in black and white.

OP, how are you feeling this evening. It's actually ok to change your mind, you know, about forgiving this betrayal. You have that as an option any time you like. If you do a fair share of childcare, you won't lose your kids if that is your concern.

I couldn't. Trust is everything.

Trust is everything and that's why I asked if you can recover?

To be honest I'm 6'4 and 15 stone. Other man is not. The only reason I havnt smashed this Dick is because I and my partner would probably lose our jobs as a result. Where would that leave us.

I do accept some responsibility for how our relationship was at times, but I did always trust her.

In respects to "getting it up", I've suffered from performance anxiety before me and DP met and this Is just a reaction to what's happened. I know ill be fine. Just need to feel relaxed and horny again. DP is understanding. I like the honesty we have shown to each other. I won't be mugged off. Any sign of a recurrence and its the end. I do love her dearly and I want to bring my kids up as a couple, not seeing them every once in a while because my shifts are all over the place.

I hope it works out, in the way you want it to.

I do accept some responsibility for how our relationship was at times, but I did always trust her.

That's fine for you to accept your share of the responsibility towards your relationship but she is 100% responsible for cheating.

She had choices. She could have tried to resolve difficulties with you or, if all else failed, she could have ended the relationship with you. Cheating is a choice. It takes a lot of effort to carry out the deceit and, of course, it means emotionally checking out of the primary relationship.

I know I'm contributing to sending this thread off course but I do think women select their partners based on their ability to "protect them". It's an instinctive thing that our body does to find a mate who will protect our young. I don't think it's a bad thing as it's only one aspect of what we look for.

Obviously the bloody nose aspect has serious consequences so should be avoided but I agree with the notion behind Stales idea.
I had a random dream recently that an ex from a decade ago appeared and claimed that our DD (3) was his. In my dream the first thing DH did was lay into the ex. I know that DH would do that irl. That aspect isn't the one that would stop me cheating (I love and respect him) but as well as his loving and caring side and the fact he's a wonderful father, I also love that he's a protector by instinct.

I think Stales is right in that the OP needs to take back control of this situation, in whichever (legal) way possible. Not just to show his feathers but also for his own masculinity.

I would add (and I'm sure DH would agree) that in many aspects I "wear the trousers" (sorry-I hate the saying!) so I'm not a kept, poor defenceless woman who can't escape from the cave I was dragged to.

I guess it's the same as the tradition of men pursuing the woman and I'm sure many of us wouldn't change this aspect.

I wouldn't recommend the OP do any of this for the sake of winning back his wife though. I'd recommend he did it so he can see the situation more clearly for himself.
When our confidence is low, so is our judgement.