DP thinks he should meet GF from 40 years ago!!

[SisterSludge]

Regular poster but had to set up new name for this one. Me and my DP have been together for 30 years and have 3 DD together. A few weeks ago, he received an email from a GF he went out with when he was 19; he lived with her for about a year. He broke it off with her because she slept with someone else. The GF wanted to know if he could remember anything about those times, it's a bit complicated but basically someone had died and that person's son wanted to know more about what had gone on. This got my DP digging out some diaries that he kept over a period of about 10 or 15 years, and really going into detail during an email correspondence with this old GF, reliving this intense relationship that took place so long ago. To give him his credit, he told me about it right from the first email he received, although I haven't read the emails they have exchanged since as he says he wouldn't want me to read them. The GF knows where he is, has said she doesn't want him to track her down and I clocked that he doesn't even know her married name. BUT she has told him that she is not sure that her marriage is going to last (although she has told her DH that she is in touch with m DP). All this has had some strange effects on our relationship--it has caused us to become much closer in some ways, it has made us discuss how our sex life has withered in latter years (might start a second thread about that one!), and my DP has said in no uncertain terms that he knows his future lies with me, he wouldn't risk what we have together for anything. He has found it really quite traumatic going over the minutiae of what was a very difficult period of his life and he says I have been a great support to him in helping him to deal with it.

Having said all that, he thinks that they will eventually meet!! (No, I don't think I am invited.)

There was a bit of a crisis last week when they exchanged photos of what they are like now. He realised that by viewing the photo of her now, he was abandoning the "ghost relationship" that had been going on--corresponding, in other words, with a memory.

I have read the post from July this year, originally by Hillfort, see link here:
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a1793743-Husbands-ex-girlfriend-wants-to-meet-up-with-him
and there are some similarities. But also quite a few differences, especially the timescales involved!

My DP has said that he wants to tell me everything, and that he wants me to feel comfortable with it going on (whatever "it" is), because he didn't want to find himself in a situation where he was doing anything behind my back.

I can't decide if I should feel worried. Please advise. My gut reaction is that it is playing with fire. Having read the Hillfort thread, I also wonder whether, if there is a meeting, it should be one where both families meet.

What are her motives

Cool off for a few weeks?

He is really taking advantage of your good nature. He wants to cool it now he knows she is not ready to leave her marriage. He is indulging himself in an emotional affair with this woman and his diaries and thinking it is ok because you know about it. He is quite happy in his own little world while turning yours upside down.

If I were you I would offer him all the time he needs to work through this. On the condition that he pisses off and does it elsewhere. It sounds like emotional torture for you.

I feel sorry for you OP. Your DH sounds like a twat. I wouldn't trust him. Why did he keep all those diaries with information relevant to his previous relationship? Why would he write her emails with extracts from his diaries incl. sex? He still wants to find out what caused the break up of their relationship. WHY?
He has a wife, children and all he thinks of is his XP and what he is missing out in relationship with you.
A few months ago I was contacted by a man who had a brief part in my life when I was single. We had sex a couple of times. Now he is married with kids. He knows my DH althouth my DH does not know anything about us. So he started to give me complements and talking in a way like it is not now but then. I tried to be friendly but he was persistent. So then I joked I would contact his wife and he stopped all that sleezy "harassment". A few months later I sent him birthday wishes via Skype. He was thankful and pleasantly surprised but doesn't cross the borderline anymore.
I wonder what did your DH write in his first emails? Also he is a bit annoying in trying to find out about the status of her relationship. It bothers him. I hope when/if he does meet her she looks scary :) May be you could check his emails without his knowledge? Gosh, if my DH would behave in such desperate way I would tell him to go and meet her or to bugger off. I would feel humiliated by such behaviour. I am in contact with my previous Xses but we never talk about anything intimate from the past ( Only one tried and I felt like he didn't repsect our friendship and the friendship with my DH ). It all now depends on your DH.

I too was extremely that he could talk about sex with someone he hadn't seen in 40 years and who shagged around and gave him an STD but not with his wife who he has been sharing a bed with for the greater part of his life. Either he should be talking about sexual with the woman he has agreed to exclusively share sex with, or he should be seeking out a counsellor specialising in the subject. Not some random woman he used to date a lifetime ago.

The woman was 19, she wasn't ready to settle down, and by the sound of it her "official" boyfriend was stuffed with (understandable) angst. So she shagged around a bit, as one might. That's why they broke up. What more does he expect to find out? I bet the silly old sod wants to know that he was really her One True Love and she has been holding a candle for him ever since, because that would be so good for his ego. Had she not shagged around a bit and they'd stayed together, does he really, in his heart of hearts, believe he would have made something better of his future? Was the wife who did stick by him for 30 years and never gave him an STD really holding him back? Get real ffs (that's addressed to him!). But there, where's the fun in real.

sexual matters that should read.

She added that if her DH told her who she could talk to etc or not, that would be the end of their relationship.

Wowsie, she is manipulating your DP. She wants to keep her entertaining admirer at the expense of your DP's marriage. I hope you have told him casually on the spot 'so maybe it was in my rights to contact my ex...' with an all knowing smug.

She is no friend of your DP, she is selfish as she was years ago and is stringing along your husband for entertainment value, responsibility free and burden free. But what she is like is not your concern OP, you should be concerned with your DP's behaviors and they are appalling. I'm glad he opened up to you early on and if this relationship survives it's only because you swallowed your own tears to be a team in this.

Personally, I would have made him pack a bag. I don't know how you tolerate this. You've been so patient and participating I hope this works out well for you OP

OP, you have said "I told my DP I didn't want him to carry on this emailing, but he said he wanted to carry on yesterday to ask the questions about her DH and their relationship. He has now told her that he wants it to cool off for a couple of weeks. "

WHY does your DP feel the need to ask her questions about her DH and their relationship? What is he going to gain from it?! Can't you see that's really quite odd?

You also say that "On the diaries front, he has reached the start of the year where they split up, and wants to find out the details of what went wrong, which he can't really remember. He said he thinks this will make it clear why they split and will therefore "bring him round" to the frame of mind he was in when they split, rather than reliving the relationship when it was thriving."

This is a contradiction in terms. This means he IS reliving the relationship when it was thriving! And what's more, he wants her to relive it with him! Of course he can remember what went wrong, - or enough, anyway! Why does he need to have it made clear why they split? Why does he need to be "brought round" to the frame of mind her was in when they split? What frame of mind is he in now? It should be "I don't care - that was then, now I have a DP and a family and life has moved on so it isn't relevant or useful".

You say "I think it is true that I have to let him come to the right conclusion on his own. Yes, but that doesn't mean condoning it!

Ask yourself:

Do I care that he is doing this with his ex GF?

Does it hurt that he is doing this with his ex GF?

If YES to both those questions then you need to OWN and STATE those feelings. Keeping them hidden could be counter productive as he takes your (selfless, possibly martrying) "support" as a green light to go to further lengths to explore his feelings than he ever even wanted or needed!!!

If NO to both those questions then you need to consider why you are still together....

I don't want to be harsh at all but I am genuinely concerned that you are trying to be neutral but are actually pushing the situation on further than it needs to go, without realising. He isn't one of your DCs, who is finding their way in the world of love and respect. He is a grown man, your partner, who you are entitled to have respect and love from, you don't have to selflessly put your own feelings to one side so he can go overboard on exploring his. You are not his counsellor.

It sounds like in some part of his.mind that he is still believing himself to be in love with her. If I were you op I would be bloody putting up a fight now before this crosses a line.

Get her address, pack his bags, put them in a taxi to there, and lock the doors.

OP, how are things today ?

Hello everyone, wanted to post yesterday but busy at work, parents evening etc. Re-reading the most recent posts above, I get your message loud and clear. But somehow things have moved in a slightly different direction.

First thing: the exGF emailed him (in the middle of the night, maybe her guilt was keeping her awake!) to say, were we two OK, she knows she bears some responsibility for making him read the diaries, and making it clear that she is not about to leave her DH. My DP was going to say, we should cool this correspondence down, and the ex GF also said they should take a break.

Also: after my DP spilled out about how he feels his life is boring/passing him by, and during the ensuing support and closeness, he made it clear that he just wanted to be very close to me, loved me a lot and that he felt a lot of the recent problems/issues were due to us not having been together physically for a long time. Astonishingly, this resulted in us DTD for the first time in about 8 or 9 years. Which was truly amazing. His overwhelming thought about it all was that, this was what he had been missing in life, to be able to be close like that with me, and how much he had missed itnot just the sex but being physically closeand how much better it had made him feel that we can now work to recover that side of our relationship.

I have heard of "hysterical lovemaking" when someone who hears their DP is having an affair makes love to them, but this was really the other way round...maybe because he realised how close he had come to "crossing a line" with me and our relationship.

He still says that he would like to meet this ex GF for lunch one day...but I believe he knows what side his bread is buttered, and that side is firmly with me. If he does go ahead with a meeting (and I still think that it's highly possible she wouldn't be up for that) then I would trust him not to let me down, even though I really would prefer it if he didn't meet her. I agree with earlier posters that it's not right to prevent someone from meeting someone they want to meet.

WOW!!! No sex for 9 years......that is definitely not good for a close relationship. Sex is the glue that binds everything together isn't it....without it your just room mates. Bet you both had big grins on your faces since. Now you have said about that I can see why he was feeling nostalgic for his first love....and discussing sex with her. It was a huge part of your relationship that was missing. I'm surprised things hadn't come to a head before really in some form or another. Anyway sounds all good now. If you had mentioned the lack of sex you would have possibly got different replies too. Good Luck OP.

I see no benefit for him to meet her. He has managed all these years without her. Why does he want to meet someone who is toxic to his marriage and actually you CAN tell him you don't want him to meet her. It is then telling what his response is.

I think the ex GF has realised how vulnerable your DH still is, and she is shocked by that, that is why she is so visibly backing off. I suspect she fears he will turn up on her doorstep declaring undying love, and what started (for her) as an ego-boost down Memory Lane has sailed very close to turning into a present-day nightmare disruption of her life.

I would doubt VERY MUCH that she would want to meet him in the future for the reasons above. Meanwhile, it's great that the experience has brought you closer, if you haven't DTD for 8 or 9 years, but (apologies if this is not the case) from what you write, you have assumed (on occasion if not a lot) "mummy" status to your DP. Now you are having sex again, it's a good time to redefine your relationship at least subtley - you have every right to be vocal that you don't want him to meet up with her in the future. A mother's unconditional love would want their child to be happy at their own expense, even if it involves an ex girlfriend, but a sexual partner's love? No way, no how - the sexual jealousy would (and could) mean that you fiercely guard your DP from other potential threats. Rightly so.

Good luck though, I'm really happy that it sounds like something good is turning out from this - make sure it's good for both of you :)

You can still put your foot down and insist he does not meet her

Perhaps displaying a little bit more sexual jealousy might add to the new-found frisson ?