DP thinks he should meet GF from 40 years ago!!

[SisterSludge]

Regular poster but had to set up new name for this one. Me and my DP have been together for 30 years and have 3 DD together. A few weeks ago, he received an email from a GF he went out with when he was 19; he lived with her for about a year. He broke it off with her because she slept with someone else. The GF wanted to know if he could remember anything about those times, it's a bit complicated but basically someone had died and that person's son wanted to know more about what had gone on. This got my DP digging out some diaries that he kept over a period of about 10 or 15 years, and really going into detail during an email correspondence with this old GF, reliving this intense relationship that took place so long ago. To give him his credit, he told me about it right from the first email he received, although I haven't read the emails they have exchanged since as he says he wouldn't want me to read them. The GF knows where he is, has said she doesn't want him to track her down and I clocked that he doesn't even know her married name. BUT she has told him that she is not sure that her marriage is going to last (although she has told her DH that she is in touch with m DP). All this has had some strange effects on our relationship--it has caused us to become much closer in some ways, it has made us discuss how our sex life has withered in latter years (might start a second thread about that one!), and my DP has said in no uncertain terms that he knows his future lies with me, he wouldn't risk what we have together for anything. He has found it really quite traumatic going over the minutiae of what was a very difficult period of his life and he says I have been a great support to him in helping him to deal with it.

Having said all that, he thinks that they will eventually meet!! (No, I don't think I am invited.)

There was a bit of a crisis last week when they exchanged photos of what they are like now. He realised that by viewing the photo of her now, he was abandoning the "ghost relationship" that had been going on--corresponding, in other words, with a memory.

I have read the post from July this year, originally by Hillfort, see link here:
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a1793743-Husbands-ex-girlfriend-wants-to-meet-up-with-him
and there are some similarities. But also quite a few differences, especially the timescales involved!

My DP has said that he wants to tell me everything, and that he wants me to feel comfortable with it going on (whatever "it" is), because he didn't want to find himself in a situation where he was doing anything behind my back.

I can't decide if I should feel worried. Please advise. My gut reaction is that it is playing with fire. Having read the Hillfort thread, I also wonder whether, if there is a meeting, it should be one where both families meet.

X posts OP.

I really don't know what to say now, but I wish that this GF had not got in contact with your DP in the first place :(

It's not about having an affair. A DP might have NO intention of having an affair but can't guarantee they might not "fall in love" (no affair needed as such, IYSWIM). He is so vulnerable right now.

I can't see how meeting her is going to have ANY value to his CURRENT life or relationship or family.

This is something he really needs to think about. How is meeting her, or even suggesting a meeting (because she may turn it down now but in another week say she has re-thought and would like to meet after all) do anything but harm? Or, what good will it/does it do?

I don't think you can or should "ban" the meeting but I don't think you should give your blessing to it, as it kind of validates what is not really an acceptable situation (of her instigation).

It is, because he's kind of having an emotional affair already, even if it hasn't turned physical.

The danger is not necessarily a physical affair, but that he might leave the OP altogether...

His words are contradictory. He says that his future is with the OP. But he says that he's not happy in their life together, that this woman gives him something she doesn't, and that she understands him better.

This relationship doesn't have to be physical for it not to be ok.

Oh dear, this isn't good. I too think he could be susceptible to the magic answer of "falling in love" with this woman as a way out of his current low. So much of what we feel is about what we want/expect to happen.

On the other hand, it is clearly a good thing that you initiated that conversation. If you hadn't, all these things would have remained in his head and been allowed to develop further, and he could have pushed himself further down this emotional road from "she understands me" to (for example) "you've never understood me".

Wish I had more helpful advice but I think the main thing is make sure he knows some of what he's said and felt is absolutely NOT ok with you. Even if a conversation ends in a good place, it doesn't legitimate the earlier stuff he expressed that crossed a line.

Do you know what, your husband is probably about to make a monumental twat of himself, as so many middle-aged men have before him? I really hope he talks with say some old male friends who will disabuse him of the notion that the grass is greener, as that's what he's basically saying.

I don't see this as positive, because all this navel-gazing is about him and his feelings and his past and his future and it's all about him. Your feelings are going to get battered by all this.

I would be really blunt right now and not beat around the bush- if he's desperately unhappy then he should get up and leave you. You should tell him (even if it is a bit of bluff) that you don't want to be with a person who doesn't want you.

I think he's trying to weigh up his options, see if there is any chances with this other lady- what a flipping cheek! I would let him know right now that if you get the slightest notion that he is thinking of her as a romantic partner, the decision to be with you and stay with you will be out of his hands.

All his reassurances are worth nothing, because seeing if there is potential is more important to him than your life together. If my husband wanted to meet an old flame, I hope he'd suggest meeting the two families, the kids, sharing it in an open and enjoyable way, not secret emails and things going 'one of two ways'.

And- he will massively regret it, because it sounds like you are the best thing that could have ever happened to him, given his upbringing- you've given him stability, a family, love and understanding. I just hope he realises that he's very lucky and doesn't do something stupid that makes you no longer want to invest in him as you have done for the last 30 years.

Op sorry his behaviour is appalling and shows no regard to you or the children.

As has been said there are more than two ways this can go.

How dare he now point out all the things she offers that you don't.

I would be furious.

He has seen her photo and obviously still feels something for her. He has already started something with her now that is taking on a life of its own. He is talking like a man in the throes of a mid life crises. You are his sounding board but he is hurting you. I don't see this ending well OP and there is unfortunately nothing you can do other than threaten to leave him. He has talked about his relationship with you to her and that is bad. She might be saying that she doesn't want to meet but she might be playing a game to make him keener to see her. She died know how to press his buttons after all. OR he has lied and they are both planning to meet but he is keeping it from you. This is an affair in the making in my opinion and this angst he and you are going through now could potentially be going on for months whilst this scenario plays itself out. I think you need to assert yourself sooner rather than let this just happen. Sorry.

Sounds like a mid-life crisis to me. On top of that he seems to have many unresolved issues which are causing more angst and upset.

Suddenly the opportunity pops up to relive those heady days of youth with someone apparently free of the responsibilities of running a home and DCs!

Seeing old friend won't fix things I don't think, it might just cause him more confusion.
Some counseling is the way to go. He has many years in front of him which could be fun and fulfilling if he can put his past behind him.

It sounds like he needs to see a therapist and talk through some of the things that happened to him as a child and young adult. He clearly went through some awfully traumatic experiences that scarred him and that he has kept buried all these years. I'm guessing here of course, but it would seem to me that when he says this ex-gf new him better than anyone, what he meant was that when he knew her he was in a much more emotionally raw and difficult place.

Hopefully talking to her has caused him to remember and think about his childhood and young adulthood and it sounds like he's ready to work through some of the memories and experiences he has repressed for all this time. But the person who he needs to work through them with is a therapist, not this woman.

I'm surprised also by your casual acceptance of the fact that if you ask him not to see the ex you know he would just see her behind your back. That is not okay at all - it means you know he's not a trustworthy person. Hopefully he can work on his personal integrity in therapy as well. In the meantime if I were you I'd say I expected to be present if he did decide he wanted to meet this woman and see whether he would be okay with that.

He is already having an emotional affair and you are sleepwalking into indulging him in it

You both need to read."not just friends" by Shirley Glass

His head has already been turned by this ex and l thunk she would jump at the change of a meeting with him.

He needs professional help to deal with his past because as it stands his future with you is in serious jepardy.

oh ffs...why cant these men just be sensible? I can bet if you wanted to meet up with an old boyfriend to re-hash memories (and what for, may I ask? Is it going to enrich your lives in some way?) then he'd be jumping up and down about it.

It all smacks of disrespect. She's talking to him about her marriage and its very likely he is talking to her about yours. All this silly wistful thinking about life and opportunities long past. He's telling you all about it so as to make it sound reasonable, and then if you are uncomfortable you will be the 'unreasonable one' - as women are so often deemed to be if they dont go along with men's whims at the risk of being called the dreaded 'Jealous' word. I wouldnt want my DP to meet up with past girlfriends, nor would I disrespect him by meeting up with past boyfriends. I dont need any validation from them at all. I simply dont see why this has to be a part of your lives and i hope you can find some way to resolve together.

mistress if you read through thread she did have an opportunity to meet an ex but her other half wasn't happy about it.

How are things today, OP ?

Things seem to be settling down a bit. I asked DP to show me some of the emails with the exGF, and he showed me some of the more recent ones (not the ones with diary extracts in them). I noticed something immediately. While he had been very openly saying how traumatic he had been finding the correspondence and going through the diaries and how he couldn't pretend he wasn't having those feelings etc etc, she hadn't been nearly so forthcoming. There was very little about her feelings, and very little from her overall that wasn't just general chitchat. tbh, I wouldn't be surprised if she was either laughing or scared, something tells me she would run a mile if he asked to meet her. I did tell him this, and I think he could then see what I meant. That she might be stringing him along, for the entertainment value. On my suggestion, he also asked her more details about her DH and her relationship with her DH. She wasn't very forthcoming but said it was fine and they were together, weren't about to split up or anything, plus that she hadn't told her DH much about the conversation with my DP. (She added that if her DH told her who she could talk to etc or not, that would be the end of their relationship.) We can't remember now where the idea that her relationship with her DH was rocky came from.

It struck me also that my DH had told her about the upset it had caused me/us on Sat, and yet she had just carried on. When any decent person would, I believe, have taken a step backwards and dropped it all. Can't really understand what is in it for her. Unless she has been flattered too.

I told my DP I didn't want him to carry on this emailing, but he said he wanted to carry on yesterday to ask the questions about her DH and their relationship. He has now told her that he wants it to cool off for a couple of weeks.

On the diaries front, he has reached the start of the year where they split up, and wants to find out the details of what went wrong, which he can't really remember. He said he thinks this will make it clear why they split and will therefore "bring him round" to the frame of mind he was in when they split, rather than reliving the relationship when it was thriving.

I know there will be a lot of you out there who think it is very odd that I am tolerating this. I think it is true that I have to let him come to the right conclusion on his own. Also that I need to trust him and support him in this, I don't want to see him hurt (any more than I want to get hurt myself). I have often said that I have 4DCs (him being one of them), only partly in jest. I think he has been gullible and taken in at a time when reading those diaries has made him very vulnerable. Me and the DP seem to be very close at the moment but even if everything turns out all right, I feel I have been given a jolt. Still not certain that this is resolved satisfactorily yet...will let everyone know what happens anyway!

I think you are being marvellously patience and tolerant OP. It's good to know that, from the emails it's rather more interest on his side than hers.

But why does he want to ask questions about their relationship? It's none of his business!

Good lord, I wonder if your P realises quite how lucky he is that you are around to stop him making a complete and utter dickhead of himself

This sounds like a parent/child relationship not one of equal adults

He sounds like he has the emotional intelligence of a lemon, I am struggling to understand hwo you can respect a man that has to be taken, baby step by baby step, through something that is really fucking obvious to everyone else. It must be exhausting, and I would it very difficult to fancy someone I had to mollycoddle in this way

Either that, or he is a monumental taker of the piss

I am not sure which is worse

*find it very difficult

You remind me very much of that poor woman who has had at least one thread on here about how her husband is having an emotional affair with the mother of one of this music students. Yet, she stands by while he insists on continuing the sessions.

Madness, utter madness.

Put your foot down, for christs sake.

MillyRules oh thanks for info, I missed that one!

So...OP your DP didn't want you to be in contact with your ex - yet he is allowing foolish notions about a past lover to intrude into your relationship. He shouldn't be asking another man's wife anything at all re.former long-gone relationship.

They're both wrong here but it sounds as if your DP is being more pushy about things, in any event he's your DP and the onus on him is to just leave this woman alone. He's seeking excitement at the risk of de-stabilising your relationship. & if her DH finds out that could be another issue, couldn't it? He isn't only going to blame his wife.

Its a massive disrespect to you & he's being so bloody silly, here. I hope he comes to his senses soon enough.

Also agree with all MistAllChuckingFrighty has said

In an ideal world your DP should get all this out of his system, then that's that, in reality lack of ultimatum or fear of consequences enables people not to rein themselves in, and just carry on (& on) with what they're doing.

Which is a long way of saying - he's taking the piss. No-one's saying you should scream & shout but you'd very possibly be wiser to firmly let your DP know where you stand on this,and that its not on. At all.

Agree with Mistress here but in some ways I think its even worse that the DP is the one persuing this like a dog with a bone. He seems keen on re establishing some kind of relationship with this woman even though he has a lovely lady who is waiting for him. I so hope this doesn't end badly.

It is ridiculous, nasty behavior - and now he is intent on pursuing questions about her dh? Jesus, what's the matter with him?

I would put my profile up on dating sites - looking for friends. I would show dh, tell him I'm exchanging intimate letters and some photos, but don't worry, I'm not leaving him. I'd arrange to meet up with them - tell him it can only go one of two ways.

Don't know why you are tolerating it, op.

2 things really stick out for me OP

About the secrecy of the emails, he said he had been typing out bits of the diaries for her to read--obviously that is interesting for her as it is about her or people she knew. But that a lot of this had included details about sex

On what planet is it ok for him to be emailing her about sex? My DH is very trusting, would have no problem with me having/meeting male friends BUT if he found out I had been emailing an ex/friend about sex he would pack my suitcase and gently deposit me on the doorstep.

It struck me also that my DH had told her about the upset it had caused me/us on Sat, and yet she had just carried on. When any decent person would, I believe, have taken a step backwards and dropped it all

But why isn't your DH dropping this? He knows exactly how much this has hurt you, and he's not stepping away from it.. doesn't sound very decent to me.