DP thinks he should meet GF from 40 years ago!!

[SisterSludge]

Regular poster but had to set up new name for this one. Me and my DP have been together for 30 years and have 3 DD together. A few weeks ago, he received an email from a GF he went out with when he was 19; he lived with her for about a year. He broke it off with her because she slept with someone else. The GF wanted to know if he could remember anything about those times, it's a bit complicated but basically someone had died and that person's son wanted to know more about what had gone on. This got my DP digging out some diaries that he kept over a period of about 10 or 15 years, and really going into detail during an email correspondence with this old GF, reliving this intense relationship that took place so long ago. To give him his credit, he told me about it right from the first email he received, although I haven't read the emails they have exchanged since as he says he wouldn't want me to read them. The GF knows where he is, has said she doesn't want him to track her down and I clocked that he doesn't even know her married name. BUT she has told him that she is not sure that her marriage is going to last (although she has told her DH that she is in touch with m DP). All this has had some strange effects on our relationship--it has caused us to become much closer in some ways, it has made us discuss how our sex life has withered in latter years (might start a second thread about that one!), and my DP has said in no uncertain terms that he knows his future lies with me, he wouldn't risk what we have together for anything. He has found it really quite traumatic going over the minutiae of what was a very difficult period of his life and he says I have been a great support to him in helping him to deal with it.

Having said all that, he thinks that they will eventually meet!! (No, I don't think I am invited.)

There was a bit of a crisis last week when they exchanged photos of what they are like now. He realised that by viewing the photo of her now, he was abandoning the "ghost relationship" that had been going on--corresponding, in other words, with a memory.

I have read the post from July this year, originally by Hillfort, see link here:
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a1793743-Husbands-ex-girlfriend-wants-to-meet-up-with-him
and there are some similarities. But also quite a few differences, especially the timescales involved!

My DP has said that he wants to tell me everything, and that he wants me to feel comfortable with it going on (whatever "it" is), because he didn't want to find himself in a situation where he was doing anything behind my back.

I can't decide if I should feel worried. Please advise. My gut reaction is that it is playing with fire. Having read the Hillfort thread, I also wonder whether, if there is a meeting, it should be one where both families meet.

I agree with BibbleBabble

It also says you don't trust them. I think the OPs dh has been and is being very open with her.
It doesn't sound like she needs to be worried at all.

Your husband sounds like a very honourable man. I think you should trust him. Focus on your relationship, not his correspondence

She doesn't trust them 100% - or rather she doesn't know if she can trust them - so that would be right potatoprints. And he hasn't been completely open. There's nothing I would ever say to an ex that couldn't be said in front of my h...

Fact his, they could meet up, be disappointed, lay the past to rest and all is good. Or they could end up as old flames who meet up and run off together. Nobody on this thread has any idea how this is going to pan out....

A friend of mine, in her 60's, met up with someone from primary school through Friends Reunited. She'd always thought he was good looking, but it wasn't in any sense a romantic relationship. They were 10!

He approached her and I think normally it would have been just a couple of emails, or 'let's arrange a class reunion'. But she was in a bad place at the time and I'm sure she thought it might have a happy ending. He was obviously shocked at the way she looked and she was alarmed at how much he'd managed to find out about her - and her family - on the internet, worried she might have a stalker on her hands. He also revealed that he was married, but, guess what, it wasn't going well. Neither pursued the initial encounter. It really messed up her head, the last thing she needed.

I'd be suspicious about exGF wanting to revisit the past in this way, and worried about the effect on your DP. Not that I think there's likely to be any rekindling of sparks, just that it's likely to be a disturbing and unproductive experience.

I can see why he wouldn't want you at any meeting. They'd be talking about the past. Would keep having to break off and explain things to you. You'd be bored rigid.

I'd express any doubts in terms of concern for him. I honestly don't think you've anything to worry about for yourself, but he should be aware that it could have more of an effect on him than he realises and that exGF may turn into a bit of a liability.

Your husband isn't going anywhere unless it's with you.You have shown amazing compassion and understanding.Let them meet if they want to.Your hubby will return to you.

I just dont get why he feels the need to contact her this much snd meet her. Very odd. I wouldnt worry about seeming insecure...I would be too if my dp was obsessed with s past gf. I say obsessed because when most of my ex bf contact me I just say a polite hello, mabe a quick gossip tgen nothing....even the ones whete there is 'unfinished business.'
What is this unfinished business anyway?

I think he is being daft btw .. honourable...really?

Perhaps insist on both couples meeting for a drink. It seems unfair that they can get together without the discomfort of existing partners intruding on the meet up, that it can be just them, minus DCs, just like it used to be. What is it they have to keep secret, or do they just want to relive the thrill of their youthful relationship, ignoring present commitments.

It would sound innocent if she wasn't having problems in her marriage. Doesn't DP feel uncomfortable that after all that time it's only when she thinks she may be on her own in the near future that she makes contact?

I'd be concerned about why he didn't want me to see the emails. Are they full of romantic One Who Got Away gubbins?

Surely this whole issue of old flames also throws up how much we trust our partners anyway?

Be interested to know if the OP objects to or worries about her DP meeting women at work, socially, anywhere in fact where he might be tempted? You can't lock someone up to keep them faithful.

I just keep thinking that if the idea of a meeting with an old flame for a catch up or whatever- which is being openly discussed- is enough to send someone into a panic about a possible affair in the offing, then the marriage is not strong anyway.

I've known couples who are very possessive in these kinds of situations and sometimes they have split up anyway yet nothing to do with the old flame or another woman/man-it was because the relationship had problems anyway.

OP- just think about it- if after 30 years and 3 kids you can't feel at ease with allowing your man to see a woman who he shares some history with for an 'old times' sake' then what does that tell you about you and him?

I know of a couple who were married for 30 years when an old flame of the wife got in touch. He was married. She got carried away with the excitement of it all and left her husband for this man thinking he would do the same but they had an affair. He didn't leave his wife and now she and her husband are now divorced. I don't think they would have split up if this particular situation hasn't arisen.

The thing is with the OP, her DP and this woman split up because she slept with someone else, not because he didn't love her. Let's face it, after 30 years with the same person, a meeting with this old flame could seem very exciting and there could be an attraction there, and this could be dangerous. Her motives seem a little bit off to me - its odd that she has got in touch when her marriage is not going well.

I think it's naive to be completely trusting here - this is quite an unusual situation and I think the desire to meet without you would be ringing warning bells for me. I think some open honest conversations need to be had as to why he wants to meet without you, and his eyes opened to the fact it may not be innocent on her part, and he should be exploring his feelings about why he wants/needs to meet her.

More or less the same thing happened to someone I know. Decided to meet old BF, told husband all about it, and then left husband for old BF. she had not planned on this happening, but it did.

I would leave the past in the past.

Oh so 1 couple who had a reunion ad one marriage that went tits up is proof that these meetings should never happen?
Says a lot about the state of the marriage doesn't it if it was so fragile?

I would want to read those emails. I also think its a red flag that she mentioned her marriage maybe not working out.

What kind of lives do people live if they can't allow their DHs to exchange emails with someone? Does being married mean that you forgo your rights to any sort of private correspondence?
I'm shocked TBH at the 'small town' attitudes being shown here and the massive insecurities of so many women who think so little of their men that they don't even allow them to have emails or letters that are personal and private. I'm not going to say any more here but it's a huge mistake to think you can hold onto anyone by policing their behaviour to the extent of reading their mail, forbidding them to see someone. People stay together because they want to- not because they are imprisoned.

Not proof these meetings should never happen - just examples of what can happen. These situations are quite unique in that these are people they were attracted to, intimate with, and loved. I just think it is something that needs to be thought about very carefully and the reasons for wanting or needing to meet up explored.

Personally I have no desire to meet up with my exes and I think it would say something about my current relationship if I did.

If it was so 'traumatic' for him, why would he dredge up the past to the point of digging out old diaries and recounting his feelings to her from so long ago? Why would he then say how 'supportive' OP was whilst planning to meet this x GF and send emails that he says that OP can't see.

Perhaps I have a pretty dim view, but he sounds as if he has been flattered that she remembers him and is in danger of thinking that OP will continue to 'support' him whilst he explores his past with this woman that he used to love, who's freely admitted that her marriage is a bit rocky.

I would be curious why he didn't just say - great to hear from you - let's do a family meet up, or 'thanks for getting in touch, if you give me so and so's email, I'll contact him about his late father / mum.'

I'm shocked TBH at the 'small town' attitudes being shown here

I still get butterflies thinking about my 'first love' from my teens, I used to tremble if he walked into the room, so that colours my view of meeting up with old flames, the emotions were very strong.
I did get butterflies when first with DH of 30 years but not as extreme, I was 10 years older then.

Yes but if you met him now he'd probably be fat, bald and unrecognisable! And you'd wonder what on earth you saw in him.

The genie is out of the bottle now. Contact has been made.

I think the OP has two choices- allow him to meet this woman with a generosity of spirit, and the most likely outcome is he will satisfy his curiosity and put the past to bed. If she has designs on him he'll tell her kindly that he is happily married, thanks.

If the OP does not 'allow' him to meet her then he may well do it anyway secretly and then the whole thing becomes more tempting ( forbidden fruit) and furtive.

well, the fatness would be a no-no for me:)

"Yes but if you met him now he'd probably be fat, bald and unrecognisable!"

Well, this describes DH, don't know about the teenage crush, but I am changed too, but DH is same cuddly kind person underneath.

O c'mon.... there's a world of difference between growing old with someone over decades, sharing a lifetime with them, and having a fantasy of your teenage lover only to find they aren't what they used to be in your memory. It's not the same thing at all.

A very similar thing happened to me, ex got in touch. I was sat next to my partner when I received the email and showed him. I think I may have read out snippets of subsequent messages. It really caused me some turmoil, bringing back lots of old memories and the confusion of our separation too. I got the feeling he wanted to reminisce, but for me it ran the risk of me falling in to all of the old games. It wasn't long before I called his bluff, "let's meet up, each bring photos of our kids" that kind of thing. Never heard from him again. I learned later that his wife (previously the OW) found out he'd been in touch and vetoed the whole thing. I don't blame her.

I don't think it's a case of allowing or not allowing, but I would be asking some questions such as why he wants to meet her, why it has to be alone, what is he hoping to achieve from meeting her, and what does he envisage will happen after they have met that once. Is he going to be expected to be a continued source of support for her, and how does he expect his relationship with her to develop going forward. I doubt he has given these things much thought.