Well, not sure where to begin and apologies in advance for this excessively long post. Yesterday, I asked my DP if he had felt flattered by the ex GF’s attentions. A lot of stuff then came spilling out. Yes, she was giving him attention that he doesn’t get from me, and talking to him in a way that I don’t. He said he felt his life was boring and that he never sees anyone. It is true that our social life both with others and together has been non-existent for a long time, partly because old friends have moved away and partly because we never had the money for babysitters, any cash we did have went on family days out. So I can sympathise with that and I too have felt that life is going by without me. I have tried to discuss this with him in the past but the conversation usually reaches the point where we say, well, hopefully we will have more money this year and be able to go out more but it never feels as though we get there. So, at one point, he actually burst into tears at this thought that his life was so hopeless. From what I know, I think this was some sort of crisis originating in his having read these diaries from this very difficult time in his life, which describe his energy at that age and his feelings of his potential in life, as well as numerous accounts of having to move around a lot, things he said to people, arguments, things he wishes he hadn’t done or said, or had done better, etc etc. Long story short, we hugged and were very close, and then about an hour later he came and said he thinks he wants to meet the ex-GF, so that it could be dealt with for good and for all. When I questioned him about this, he said, “Well it could go one of two ways”. My heart was in my mouth at this point, so I asked which two ways, and they were, either it would just end it or she would become a friend and I could meet her etc. I said I thought, like all big decisions, it is best to sleep on it. DCs then intervened and we didn’t get a chance to talk again till this morning.
So, having slept on it, this morning I asked him more about this business of what the exGF gives him that I don’t. He talked about how I am always so busy with work and our DDs, that it always feels he comes bottom of the pile (he used to say this when my mother was alive, she was ill for a long time, and the DDs were much younger, that he was fifth in line for any attention), and we don’t have time/privacy/opportunity to talk about our relationship.
Very early on in this conversation, he came out with something that really, really hurt. Something along the lines of “I enjoy my emails with her because she knows me in a way that you don’t”. Now it was my turn to burst into tears—I said, I can’t believe you just said that when you lived with her for 1 year when you were 19, and have lived with me for more than 30 years, how can she “know you”!!! He was distraught that he had upset me but we carried on talking and returned to the theme of how empty he feels his life is. He burst into tears twice—something I have never seen him do during the whole time we have been together, and said, “I don’t know where I am at the moment or what’s going on. I normally know what I should do, but I don't know what to do.”
He went on to tell me that he doesn’t want to upset me, he doesn’t want to put what we have together at risk, he doesn’t want to have an affair or have sex with her, he is certain they have no future in that way. He said he had not sought her out, he had never wanted to find himself in this situation but as it has happened, he would like to meet her, just have lunch together.
I told him that I knew it was pointless telling him I didn’t want him to meet her…he is the kind of person who, once he has decided to do something, he will not let it go…so if I stopped him, he would do it covertly. That might be difficult (as would an affair), as we only have joint bank accounts and I see every penny he spends. Plus we also work together…there is no time when he could be out doing x but actually doing y. I told him that I do trust him.
About the secrecy of the emails, he said he had been typing out bits of the diaries for her to read--obviously that is interesting for her as it is about her or people she knew. But that a lot of this had included details about sex or other things, and he really thought he wanted to keep that stuff private because of a lot of it was embarrassing. Likewise, I have seen these diaries from time to time over the years and have never thought that I should read them, they relate to his previous life, before me and I can understand that I don't need to know that. He did show me one that included back and forth replies, and it was all matter of fact, what did you after I last saw you in 1974 etc etc
I also told him that I thought that what he has been doing, reading these diaries, at her request, has been really disturbing for him. Many years ago, I suggested to him that he go for counselling to try to come to terms with some of the things that happened to him in his earlier life (he was in care age 5 to 10, his mother took off to another country when he was 17, leaving him and his brother in their council house, his brother left and he then decided to go to London on his own and ended up walking the streets on his first night there. At the age our 2nd DD is now, it is just unthinkable. He met this ex GF when he was 19 and when they lived together that was his first proper home and therefore very important to him.) His response to that (my suggestion that he should have counselling) was that if he was going to discuss the effects of his previous life with anyone, that person would be me. Secondly, he felt that the best way to deal with it (his early life) was to keep it all “down there” and “not go there”. He said he didn’t really know why he was crying this morning, and I said I thought it was probably linked to reading these diaries and re-experiencing all that happened, there are certain things that have happened to me that when I tell someone else about them, I quite often want to burst into tears. It is as though he has pulled the scabs right off some very painful wounds that had healed over.
It also occurred to me that even if he suggests meeting, this x GF may not want to meet him. This may be wishful thinking on my part, but she knows where he lives (publicly available on the internet for work reasons), and he does not know where she lives. (She asked him not to try to track her down.) Nor does he know her married name—he mentioned that to her and she said she had not changed her name when she married, and even he said he didn’t quite believe that. Plus, he said he is a bit puzzled why she hasn’t suggested a meeting already. He asked me why I thought she was communicating with him; I said maybe it is entertaining for her.
By the end of it all, we told each other that we couldn’t imagine a future without each other, that we felt meeting each other had been the making of us, and that we know from past experience that things that challenge your relationship can also strengthen it. We both felt we would come through this OK. The conversation ended, in short, in a good place.
I am sorry this is such a long post. I just want to say how wonderful Mumsnet is and the support that Mumsnetters give (not just with this but with other things I have posted). I so appreciate it, thank you all. I don't know how this is going to pan out, interested to know what you all think!