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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

What is morally the right thing to do ? Please help - (long)

104 replies

crazychilledmummy · 08/07/2006 09:56

I need some advice here on whether to take my exP to court to claim half of his assets. We were together for 5.5yrs and now have a DS who is 11months. 2.5yrs ago I gave up my job earning approx £45,000 to go and live and work at his house and holiday rental place in France. I basically built up and ran the business, doing all the bookings, admin, built and maintained a website, produced all the brochures, did all the marketing etc., maintained the gardens, cleaned the holiday houses etc. and it gets about £15,000pa in bookings. When I became pg he was over the moon even though we were having problems but throughout the pg carried on drinking/driving and disappearing for hours on end leaving me stranded, all sorts of other stuff. At 8mnths pg I went into early labour down to the stress of it and had to drive myself and him to the hospital 15km away because he was too drunk to drive (this was about 4pm). He left me there distraught still having contractions a few hours later and drove home still drunk. When I got out of hospital 3 days later he told me to leave and get the overnight boat back to the UK. I told him I had nowhere to go and eventually left on the Wednesday, staying with some friends for a week or two until I could organise somewhere to live. I had decided anyway that I couldn?t stay in France so it was not only his decision that we parted. I have used up all but about £1,200 of my savings (about £16,000 in total) paying rent, buying all the stuff for DS, living etc. and am now on income support etc. totalling about £9,000pa out of which I have to pay my mortgage, bills, food, all stuff for DS. He bought the pram and gave me £400 last year but has now taken back the car I was using (even though he has 3 other vehicles he can drive) and has refused to help me to pay for a nursery for two mornings a week (£16pw per session). I was about to just write it all off and accept I?d have to manage on my own because I didn?t want things to turn sour and so prevent DS from having a relationship with ex-P that wasn?t in an atmosphere of acrimony but I?ve just found out that although he said he?s been too busy to come over and see DS (he?s seen him about 3 days in the last 5 months) that he has actually been over to the UK twice in the last month to see his new girlfriend but hasn?t even popped in to see his son (he practically has to go past the door to get to her). He doesn?t know I know about her or his visits. He met her on an exclusive holiday he paid about £3,000 for (which he found time for ? 3.5wks) and I?m told they are planning a long sailing tour around the greek islands. I really am not bitter that he has a new relationship but I?m beginning to think he doesn?t care for his son at all and so will never do the right thing either financially or in terms of seeing DS. I?ve just worked out that his assets minus my assets net of mortgages are about £500,000. Should I get a solicitor involved and try and get half? I am struggling with the morality of it, whether it?s the right thing to do. If I could possibly manage with nothing from him I would do it but my situation is affecting my son?s welfare and I know I won?t be able to give him everything he needs. I am also worried about alienating his family who have been fantastic and really want to keep in touch. Sorry for the enormously long post ! Any advice would be really appreciated ? I want to do what is right morally and for DS.

OP posts:
toadstool · 18/07/2006 08:40

Also, in France all children (birth or adopted) recognised by the father have the right to expect an inheritance from him. They can decline it if they so wish, but their right is acknowledged in law. It's worth checking the legislation concerning unmarried parents, and how this would work if the father is a UK citizen living in France.

crazychilledmummy · 18/07/2006 13:40

Am I right in thinking also that you cannot sell a property in France without the permission of your children or is that just some wierd thing someone told me?

I think what I'd really like to start with is on the UK side whether I'm entitled to any of his assets as we aren't married. Then maybe I'll start on the french stuff afterwards.

He's said he is going to send me a detailed reply to all the points I raised in my email - that'll give me something to chortle over.

Put DS's name down on waiting list for nursery. I'll find the money somehow even if I have to rob a bank. I've got ExPs credit card details - could have an internet spending spree and then have a big car boot sale to make some money ! . Anyone want anything off ebay???!!!!!

OP posts:
Pierre · 18/07/2006 16:42

No, if both parents are living, you can sell the house as inheritance only comes into it on the death of a parent.

I would contact a Franco-Anglo lawyer who is familiar with both F and UK law, otherwise you will go round in circles.

crazychilledmummy · 18/07/2006 16:46

you're probably right. I'll check out that list you gave me, thanks.

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