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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

What is morally the right thing to do ? Please help - (long)

104 replies

crazychilledmummy · 08/07/2006 09:56

I need some advice here on whether to take my exP to court to claim half of his assets. We were together for 5.5yrs and now have a DS who is 11months. 2.5yrs ago I gave up my job earning approx £45,000 to go and live and work at his house and holiday rental place in France. I basically built up and ran the business, doing all the bookings, admin, built and maintained a website, produced all the brochures, did all the marketing etc., maintained the gardens, cleaned the holiday houses etc. and it gets about £15,000pa in bookings. When I became pg he was over the moon even though we were having problems but throughout the pg carried on drinking/driving and disappearing for hours on end leaving me stranded, all sorts of other stuff. At 8mnths pg I went into early labour down to the stress of it and had to drive myself and him to the hospital 15km away because he was too drunk to drive (this was about 4pm). He left me there distraught still having contractions a few hours later and drove home still drunk. When I got out of hospital 3 days later he told me to leave and get the overnight boat back to the UK. I told him I had nowhere to go and eventually left on the Wednesday, staying with some friends for a week or two until I could organise somewhere to live. I had decided anyway that I couldn?t stay in France so it was not only his decision that we parted. I have used up all but about £1,200 of my savings (about £16,000 in total) paying rent, buying all the stuff for DS, living etc. and am now on income support etc. totalling about £9,000pa out of which I have to pay my mortgage, bills, food, all stuff for DS. He bought the pram and gave me £400 last year but has now taken back the car I was using (even though he has 3 other vehicles he can drive) and has refused to help me to pay for a nursery for two mornings a week (£16pw per session). I was about to just write it all off and accept I?d have to manage on my own because I didn?t want things to turn sour and so prevent DS from having a relationship with ex-P that wasn?t in an atmosphere of acrimony but I?ve just found out that although he said he?s been too busy to come over and see DS (he?s seen him about 3 days in the last 5 months) that he has actually been over to the UK twice in the last month to see his new girlfriend but hasn?t even popped in to see his son (he practically has to go past the door to get to her). He doesn?t know I know about her or his visits. He met her on an exclusive holiday he paid about £3,000 for (which he found time for ? 3.5wks) and I?m told they are planning a long sailing tour around the greek islands. I really am not bitter that he has a new relationship but I?m beginning to think he doesn?t care for his son at all and so will never do the right thing either financially or in terms of seeing DS. I?ve just worked out that his assets minus my assets net of mortgages are about £500,000. Should I get a solicitor involved and try and get half? I am struggling with the morality of it, whether it?s the right thing to do. If I could possibly manage with nothing from him I would do it but my situation is affecting my son?s welfare and I know I won?t be able to give him everything he needs. I am also worried about alienating his family who have been fantastic and really want to keep in touch. Sorry for the enormously long post ! Any advice would be really appreciated ? I want to do what is right morally and for DS.

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crazychilledmummy · 11/07/2006 13:41

I have spoken to a solicitor but from what everyone else has said I'm not sure he was entirely right - I guess the law is a matter of interpretation so I am thinking about consulting another one. What's stopping me is that as we weren't married I can't get legal aid and I am pretty much broke at the moment. I'm looking on the internet for some email based advice in the hope it'll be cheaper. He has people who know about money, he's very disorganised with everything inc. his money which is why i handled the business side of things. The bottom line is he is a selfish a*se and will hold out if it means keeping more pennies to spend on himself.

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meowmix · 11/07/2006 17:31

CCM - how you doing today?

can i add a five penneth worth on the one off - don't do it, he's caved way to easy on that. Think of it this way - he knows you, he knows you'll find this hard therefore he thinks he can pull the wool over your eyes because you'll hate pushing for this. He's obviously money minded and he won't want to share.

And as to whether you're the bad person? You have every right to leave an unhappy relationship, you have every right to expect a father to care for his son. Damn right I'm vehement that the latter should happen and tbh if wishing were so he'd pay you for your expert childminding too.

By the way I bet if you suggested moving back to France so he can see his son more easily in return for a monthly income he'd find a way out of it.

crazychilledmummy · 11/07/2006 18:37

I'm doing alright, had some girlfriends down today so that always helps doesn't it??? He hasn't agreed to the one off yet but you are right if he says yes I'll be thinking if he's agreed so readily he obviously knows he should pay a lot more. I'm sure he would have talked to his solicitor as he is very shrewd so I think I'm going to have to bite the bullet and pay for another solicitors advice. One of my friends down today says she knows an excellent family solicitor but she charges £180 an hour !!! I've been told I can't get legal aid but I'm not so sure about that now. I will look into it a bit more def before agreeing to anything. Ex says he would have me back in France tomorrow or move in here if it meant we could be together but that was before he got a new GF so who knows... I don't think I could stomach it anyway, I feel sick everytime I think about him and what he's putting me through now.

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Pierre · 11/07/2006 18:38

CCM - most sols offer a freebie free first half hour.

crazychilledmummy · 11/07/2006 18:52

yes I thought that too but the ones I rang were very sniffy and said they didn't do that sort of thing. I'm going to try and find the phone no of a solicitor I used years ago - he seemed to be on my side IYKWIM which none of the ones I've spoken to so far seem to be.

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Pierre · 11/07/2006 18:58

If you are in Surrey I know of a firm.....

crazychilledmummy · 11/07/2006 19:10

Not in surrey I'm afraid but thank you anyway.

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crazychilledmummy · 11/07/2006 19:11

Not in surrey I'm afraid but thank you anyway.

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crazychilledmummy · 12/07/2006 08:02

The saga continues... ExP rang last night and refused to give me a lump sum but did say I could have the car back to use and would give me £50pw towards DS.

I told him I could claim half his assets and that the figure I'd suggested was more than reasonable in view of that. He said and I quote "I'd rather burn the lot down than give you a penny". nice eh?

So I've just sent an email to his sister telling her absolutely everything and copying him in. If this doesn't work I am going to find myself a solicitor who will get every single penny he/she can out of him. Thats it gloves are off.

he'd rather burn the lot down than see his son able to have the things he needs...? I thought I was angry before.

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glitterfairy · 12/07/2006 08:13

Men rarely see it that way though Cm they see it as giving the money to you. Look at what he said. My X refused to pay court costs on the divorce and I heard him shouting at his solicitor in court about no way she is not getting a penny. I look after his three kids so every penny I save goes to them or does he think food appears on the table from the magic pixies?

He is a pig Cm and I would go after him on behalf of your son.

crazychilledmummy · 12/07/2006 11:50

I really do think their brains work in different ways. He thinks I'm rolling in it even though I've explained in great detail what I have to buy and how much I have to spend each week. In some ways whats happened is good because its finally got me out of that softly softly bubble I was in. DS goes to see a consultant about his heart murmer two weeks today, I've been worried sick about it for ages and I bet ExP hasn't even given it a thought... .

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meowmix · 12/07/2006 11:56

sounds like he's been told he will have to pay support and is trying to bully you into as low a figure as possible. Go for broke - what do you have to lose?

crazychilledmummy · 12/07/2006 12:53

that's a bl**dy good point - I can be any worse off than I am now can I ? He's the one who stands to lose more than i originally asked for.

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yummummy · 13/07/2006 08:09

Honestly I think you're being a saint not going out there with a bloody machete or machine gun.. these bastards need showing. There must be a lawyer who knows the French system who will work for a slice of what you get, surely? Pierre seems to know people.. was that list no good either?
I'm incensed on your behalf.. wish I was a lawyer but no such luck I'm afraid.. I've got everything crossed for you for this and your Ds's heart trouble.. what a nightmare time for you...

joelallie · 13/07/2006 12:58

Well at least you've flushed him out now and you can feel justified in going for the jugular [slightly mixed metaphors there....]. Go for it!!

LoveMyGirls · 13/07/2006 14:10

i know its hard and you're having a rough time of it but at least he has something he can give you when i left exp he never had a penny so i couldnt claim a thing, he has paid a penny towards his childs up keep and she is nearly 7 now but tbh id rather not take his money if it means he has no say in her life. though things are different for you because of the parental responsibility laws that came in dec 2003. if he has rights anyway you might as well make him pay for them particularly as he has buckets of cash which you helped him to make.

if you're on income support you are entitled to lagal aid, who told you that you weren't?!!!

crazychilledmummy · 13/07/2006 14:37

LMG - a solicitor told me because we weren't married it is a civil case and therefore not qualifying for legal aid.

Just received a message (with ExP copied in) from his sister about my outpouring and she said she has read it several times and said to ExP - "I would like your explanation by the end of today". She can be quite scary. Fingers crossed. I can't tell you what a difference it makes having everyone here listening and giving advice. Thanks everyone.

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joelallie · 13/07/2006 17:21

Your sil sounds like a star!

joelallie · 13/07/2006 17:22

Except that she isn't your sil obviously.... I meant your ex's sister..

crazychilledmummy · 13/07/2006 19:26

She (and her whole family) are fantastic. She's very laid back until someone upsets her. I hadn't thought of this before but actually her DDs' father ran off and left her to bring up her DD all on her own. She now has absolutely lovely DH and a DS. We shall see... I'm waiting with baited breath to see what lies ExP will come up with....

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crazychilledmummy · 16/07/2006 18:50

UPDATE... I'm sure you are all as sick of this as I am by now but thought I owed you all an update. Just had email from his sister. Despite us all agreeing ex would put his points in an email so I knew what he'd said, they just had a phone conversation instead. ExP's sister said basically that he should pay me some regular money, my DS doesn't need to go to nursery (what a bad mother I am for suggesting he needs it - although this is what the HV said too) and basically the rest of it was along the lines of that she thinks I'm a good mother but am a bunny boiler and I chose to give up my job to go to France so tough sh*t. Oh, and I seem to have a lot of anger which doesn't help ExP and me moving on!!! Obviously I don't know what he said to her but clearly this isn't going to help me. Is it me? I'm beginning to think I'm in the wrong here and I should just get on with it as best I can managing on my own.

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toadstool · 16/07/2006 21:07

You don't sound in the wrong on this thread! - why is his sister saying personal things to you when she's supposed to be mediating between you and ExP?

crazychilledmummy · 16/07/2006 21:37

I think I've been a little naive here. I was reminded by a friend just now that his sister is the sole beneficiary of his will so she's unlikely to say "you are absolutely right, give away some of my inheritance" is she?

I don't know what to do... Put a close to it all and try and manage on my own or get a solicitor and try and get what i can from him. emotionally all this is taking its toll and I need to be strong for DS.

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toadstool · 17/07/2006 22:02

If you can get a solicitor who speaks French and/or knows the complexities of French family law, it may be worth it [King's College London used to do a degree in French and UK Law - it may be worth contacting them for info about former alumni working as lawyers - just a suggestion!]. If his sister is unhelpful, maybe formal mediation would help?

Pierre · 18/07/2006 08:22

CCM - if he has property in France, whether he has a uk will or not, his children are the sole beneficiary in the long run (he can sign it off to a spouse for her lifetime but ultimately it goes to the kids).