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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

What is morally the right thing to do ? Please help - (long)

104 replies

crazychilledmummy · 08/07/2006 09:56

I need some advice here on whether to take my exP to court to claim half of his assets. We were together for 5.5yrs and now have a DS who is 11months. 2.5yrs ago I gave up my job earning approx £45,000 to go and live and work at his house and holiday rental place in France. I basically built up and ran the business, doing all the bookings, admin, built and maintained a website, produced all the brochures, did all the marketing etc., maintained the gardens, cleaned the holiday houses etc. and it gets about £15,000pa in bookings. When I became pg he was over the moon even though we were having problems but throughout the pg carried on drinking/driving and disappearing for hours on end leaving me stranded, all sorts of other stuff. At 8mnths pg I went into early labour down to the stress of it and had to drive myself and him to the hospital 15km away because he was too drunk to drive (this was about 4pm). He left me there distraught still having contractions a few hours later and drove home still drunk. When I got out of hospital 3 days later he told me to leave and get the overnight boat back to the UK. I told him I had nowhere to go and eventually left on the Wednesday, staying with some friends for a week or two until I could organise somewhere to live. I had decided anyway that I couldn?t stay in France so it was not only his decision that we parted. I have used up all but about £1,200 of my savings (about £16,000 in total) paying rent, buying all the stuff for DS, living etc. and am now on income support etc. totalling about £9,000pa out of which I have to pay my mortgage, bills, food, all stuff for DS. He bought the pram and gave me £400 last year but has now taken back the car I was using (even though he has 3 other vehicles he can drive) and has refused to help me to pay for a nursery for two mornings a week (£16pw per session). I was about to just write it all off and accept I?d have to manage on my own because I didn?t want things to turn sour and so prevent DS from having a relationship with ex-P that wasn?t in an atmosphere of acrimony but I?ve just found out that although he said he?s been too busy to come over and see DS (he?s seen him about 3 days in the last 5 months) that he has actually been over to the UK twice in the last month to see his new girlfriend but hasn?t even popped in to see his son (he practically has to go past the door to get to her). He doesn?t know I know about her or his visits. He met her on an exclusive holiday he paid about £3,000 for (which he found time for ? 3.5wks) and I?m told they are planning a long sailing tour around the greek islands. I really am not bitter that he has a new relationship but I?m beginning to think he doesn?t care for his son at all and so will never do the right thing either financially or in terms of seeing DS. I?ve just worked out that his assets minus my assets net of mortgages are about £500,000. Should I get a solicitor involved and try and get half? I am struggling with the morality of it, whether it?s the right thing to do. If I could possibly manage with nothing from him I would do it but my situation is affecting my son?s welfare and I know I won?t be able to give him everything he needs. I am also worried about alienating his family who have been fantastic and really want to keep in touch. Sorry for the enormously long post ! Any advice would be really appreciated ? I want to do what is right morally and for DS.

OP posts:
crazychilledmummy · 10/07/2006 18:27

sorry, FOUR penneth - just re-read your post and didn't mean to undervalue you ! .

OP posts:
joelallie · 10/07/2006 18:33

Good luck CCM! No advice to offer but I really hope that something positive comes of this. can't beleive that he was such a bastard to you.

crazychilledmummy · 10/07/2006 18:50

The strangest thing is how vehement everyone has been about how he's treated me. According to him he hasn't done anything wrong and I'm the awful person for coming back to the UK and depriving him of his son (not that he was interested in him anyway) and for "always asking for money". I feel like I'm emerging from underneath a big black blanket and seeing perhaps I was right all along. Of course everyones only heard my side of the story but even so it really helps, I was beginning to think I was going mad.

OP posts:
Pages · 10/07/2006 20:45

Hi, again a quick post but I would agree that maybe you shouldn't settle for a one off until you have sought further advice. What your solicitor told you doesn't sound right to me either. I would get a second opinion. As far as assets go in this country I don't think they have to be in joint names as long as you can show you have contributed to them and also your son is now in the equation.

Just shocked at the lengths you are having to go to to justify yourself when he should want what's best for his own child....

vitomum · 10/07/2006 20:57

oh well done CCM. i know that it's not over yet but it does seam line your tactic of getting a bit tougher and telling it like it is to ex-p and sister (no malice, just straight up) is paying dividends. And then you always have your fallback plan of sabotaging the website - oh that could be sooooo much fun (evil cackling....)

crazychilledmummy · 11/07/2006 02:58

hmm... I might ring another solicitor. I wonder if there are any online solicitors that will give advice - difficult with DS as all my friends work so can't leave him with anyone. ExPs sister mailed yesterday to say she would mediate on the condition that nothing we said to her was confidential between any of us - which makes sense as she doesn't want to have to hold either of our secrets. Will be interesting to see if he tells her about new GF and visits to UK though - I suspect not !

OP posts:
glitterfairy · 11/07/2006 06:45

Be careful though CCm it is hard to really trust anyone in these circumstances.

Good that you have seen a solicitor and the CSA is crap I havent had anything since October! My X is self employed and has hidden almost all his money despite being told to sort it out by the courts. He has failed to do anything the courts have asked of him yet!

crazychilledmummy · 11/07/2006 06:50

Not fair is it and amazing how some men think they don't have any financial responsibility for their kids. Not all are like that though, my friends DH supports his child from prev relationship all the way - pays £800pm plus all the school trips etc. so his exP doesn't have to work.

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glitterfairy · 11/07/2006 07:26

Absolutely and that is why it is not fair. I know many men who support their kids and X wives/partners in all sorts of ways and then there are the bastards!

As I have said I think it is immoral to have children adn not to support their upbringing. I also think that many xs demand plenty of rights but should not be granted them unless they also sharre the responsiblities!

Pierre · 11/07/2006 07:47

My x pays not a cent towards his kids (I live in France, his income is in UK, he schleps around Portugal with new girlfriend).

When I told a French judge that I did not want to chase x for support, the judge said this to me:

"You do not have the right not to. Your children have the right to be supported financially by both parents. It is your duty to fight for them and to get what is rightfully theirs...."

Good luck!

glitterfairy · 11/07/2006 07:57

Good judge!

Twiglett · 11/07/2006 08:03

don't you dare do a one-off payment

you need to protect your son's rights .. your DS is entitled to his father's support (financial and emotional) for all of his life

go through the courts .. take the advice you have been given

it is such a shame you were'nt married

what a shit!!

Pierre · 11/07/2006 08:23

Please ring or email an english speaking lawyer on the French list I gave you and ask for some one off freebie advice - where you stand and whether it is worth pursuing.....

Pierre · 11/07/2006 08:25

And I (cynical bithc that I am) think that he is paying you off to get you off his back, rather than supporting his son I think he thinks you are prob a walk over who will be grateful for anything and as such are a pushover. Sorry.

Think you sound lovely and he sounds like a shite.

yummummy · 11/07/2006 09:10

Of course another tactic would be to let his new girlfriend know in a very calm way exactly how her new man treats his son (if- as I seem to think you said-she lives near you and you know how to reach her)hopefully she will find that very upsetting and maybe if she goes cold on him that might make him rethink..if you can't make him step up emotionally then get him where it hurts..more likely to think with his trousers!
Alternatively if you are still running his website (WHY???) change the payment details so any monies go into your bank account from now on- if he's useless he won't notice for a while!
And check out the French laws.. they seem to be more sorted on this issue..GOOD LUCK

crazychilledmummy · 11/07/2006 09:35

Tempting though it may be at times (especially when I know this weekend she's going over there to sleep in my bed and laze around in the gardens I landscaped and swim in the pool I spent hours cleaning) I'll just come across as the sad old embittered ex. And I know him very well, if he's happy he's more likely to be reasonable. I will try and pluck up courage to ring another solicitor but it took me 4 goes to get anyone to talk to me yesterday and they all talked down to me like i was rubbish having a child but not being married and asking about legal aid. Maybe I'm just too sensitive ! I understand everyones concerns about only taking a lump sum but I'm talking about a settlement of 35,000 surely thats more than I'm ever going to get from him over the next 16 years. And he's not young he could keel over at anytime (especially if he's got a new girlfriend!!!) .

OP posts:
crazychilledmummy · 11/07/2006 09:38

Twiglett, had a known what a difference being married would have made I would have rebooked the wedding very sharpish. Have thought maybe I should get back with him, get married and then dump him again and go for the lot. But I don't think I'd be able to control myself - I'd probably chop it off on the wedding night. [Shudder]

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glitterfairy · 11/07/2006 09:38

Yummymummy LOL at the changing the money thing on the web site! Brilliant.

Wouldnt talk to new Gf though bad idea. They will always believe in their new man adn whatever lies he tells them.

Sorry the solicitors were difficult and hope you have better luck today.

Twiglett · 11/07/2006 11:20

35K enough? you're barking mad

they say it costs £180K to bring a child to 18 ... £180,000

Twiglett · 11/07/2006 11:20

then there's university fees ...

Twiglett · 11/07/2006 11:21

strike that if you're living in London £300,000

crazychilledmummy · 11/07/2006 12:39

yes but he'll say I get income support, child tax credit, child benefit and so can afford it !!! Basically he will only look at his piggy bank being raided a bit, he doesn't care about DS or me. I am reconsidering the one off payment thing now as just been to see lone parent adviser and if I start working I'll be loads worse off. Mad isn't it? Plus a one off payment from ExP will count as savings and so benefits will be stopped. What a bl**dy mess. I just know he'll end up moving in with his GF and as she has two kids it'll be "can't afford to pay you anything because I'm supporting them".

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joelallie · 11/07/2006 12:40

"they say it costs £180K to bring a child to 18 ... £180,000"

Bug*er me!!! Really? Anyone want to buy some kids...

acnebride · 11/07/2006 13:11

Forget about what he says about money. Just forget about it.

You have said yourself that he has a canny accountant, a canny solicitor, has registered low income in the UK etc. THIS IS A GUY WHO KNOWS ABOUT MONEY or if he really doesn't, then he employs people who does. You need to do the same. Stop offering him stuff. Go to a lawyer, then stop worrying about it yourself LET THE LAWYERS DO THE NEGOTIATING THAT'S WHAT THEY ARE THERE FOR. At the end of my first marriage which lasted 3 years no kids I took eight K and a car off my ex which was less than I was entitled to but with no kids that was my business.

HTH and sorry for shouting

acnebride · 11/07/2006 13:17

sorry - you've already been haven't you.

i'll just shut up now.