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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Whatnext074 - thread continued

999 replies

Whatnext074 · 05/11/2013 19:57

I would firstly like to thank everyone who has offered me support, even those who did so silently on my last thread 1880152-Oh-God-Just-looked-up-H-OW-on-FB-feel-sick

I don't know how to convert the link - I have ticked the box but not sure it's worked.

Thank you for all the pms since too asking how I am.

My previous thread is long so some background: Was with my H for 11 years, we were very close and although we had traumas out of our control, I never doubted that we wouldn't be together forever.

In the space of 9 months, we lost 4 babies in the family, 2 of them our own. We remained close and supported each other.

My H suddenly changed, he turned from a loving, caring man into a stranger who was verbally abusive and aggressive and scared me. He continually denied having an affair when I asked and blamed me for the way he was. I thought he was having a breakdown (I still do).

I found evidence that he was having an affair with a colleague and I told him to leave, he's still with OW. I am so heartbroken and at times, I didn't actually think I would make it to the next day. One particular night a few weeks ago, I believe MNers did save me, just to know there were people there who cared and offer advice.

I have a DS (my H is his SF) who has been so worried about me and I am trying so hard to get myself better.

I have had so many pms from MNers who have asked me to start another thread so I am. I am so utterly grateful for all the support I have been given. I am not completely out of the darkness yet but I hope I don't get as bad as I have been recently.

OP posts:
springytick · 15/11/2013 15:55

Dear. God.

Not only has he smashed your head and heart into tiny pieces, it's now become all about him, all about you chasing him to 'help him'. FFS

Help him ??? What on earth are you doing, What? Repentance looks very different to this. He is not repentent. Let him bottom out and then see where things really stand. I doubt he can be bothered to bottom out, he just wants to bend the universe to fit the story that he's a good guy and what he did was not his fault. He is insisting it wasn't his fault, can you see?

He doesn't need any help. He needs a good kicking, frankly. Fragile indeed Hmm

Original poster
Whatnext074 · 15/11/2013 19:00

bluebird - no, he hasn't asked once how my DS is but then he hasn't asked how I am either. It is all about him which is very out of character but then he's not who I fell in love with.

OP posts:
redundantandbitter · 15/11/2013 19:08

It's cruel that he's rejected you and can't be arsed asking how you are... But it's just plain nasty to not bother with your DS that he's lived with as his SF for years. It's unbelievably sad.

What are you up to the weekend what?

CCTVmum · 15/11/2013 19:16

Whatnext that reminds me of someone with a PD tbh who switch their emotions off like a light switch and have no feelings any more esp re your DS! He switched his personality to reflect he doesn't need you anymore ( like chucking aside an empty bottle of milk etc) He sounds very ME ME ME like a Narc tbh! If he is like this their ways to manage his behaviour…..mainly ignore him!

skyeskyeskye · 15/11/2013 21:23

my XH turned into a very different person, became cold and callous towards me, yet expressed a wish that we could be friends. I had a message from him a month after he left, asking if I thought that I would ever be able to talk to him again, as he couldn't bear to think that we would never speak again. I told him in no uncertain terms that due to the way he had treated me, we could never be friends.

your H does not deserve your compassion. It is all about him, how fragile he is... he is in a situation of his own making and he did not give a shit about you when you were at breaking point.

please don't feel sorry for him. his act will soon fade.

MummysLittleSunbeams · 15/11/2013 23:02

OMG what I've not been around for a few days & have just read back. Please for your own sanity, realise that he is not right in the head right now but whatever it is that's going on with him - it's not your fault. Don't be dragged into his drama, build yourself a Teflon heart & detach, detach, detach.....

MistressDeeCee · 16/11/2013 01:42

There's a saying, isnt there: When someone shows you who they are - believe them. Time is a great healer; WhatNext, you will soon enough see through the blame game, and be well on your way to living the positive life you deserve, with people around you who have your wellbeing at heart.

mammadiggingdeep · 16/11/2013 08:34

A lot of wise words here...so hard to see when you're in the midst of it I know What.

Hope you're ok x

Original poster
Whatnext074 · 17/11/2013 16:14

I have made a few changes to my future as sitting here grieving for a man I love isn't helping my state of mind.

My lovely pink tool kit arrived!

I spent hours yesterday going through my financial forms for mediation.

I start Pilates next week.

I start a make up course in January - always wanted to do that but the full course is very expensive so will see how finances go.

I start a painting and decorating course in February - who else is going to hang my wallpaper now so I'll do it myself.

I drove on the M25 on my own last night for the first time in 11 years - I am a good driver but am really anxious about joining motorways, especially the M25 so this was a huge achievement for me.

Saw my DSis yesterday and she said I look amazing and loved my new hairstyle. Made my day.

I won't lie, I am still so sad but the burning skin feeling and the night sweats have gone now and I can see a little into my future and how I need to help myself. I miss him terribly, am worried about him too but I know he doesn't want me and he is convinced he's right in re-writing history. I can't change that but, I can change things for myself.

OP posts:
itwillgetbettersoon · 17/11/2013 16:21

Well done What. Lots of new experiences to look forward too. I paid a very small deposit for a holiday next year and it had an immediate effect of cheering me up on this damp Sunday. You are doing so well. In all honesty can anyone really say the same thing about you H? No - because he has been nasty, selfish and certainly not the man you married. X

Original poster
Whatnext074 · 17/11/2013 16:28

Well done to you too, those little achievements do make a difference. I've never booked a holiday, my H always did that so that is on my list x

OP posts:
mammadiggingdeep · 17/11/2013 16:45

Whatnext!!!!!!!

You absolutely rock!!! You're doing bloody marvellously :)

Seriously...I admire you immensely. You are grabbing this situation by the horns and starting to shape your own future.

My Pom poms are waving so wildly there's bits of gold and silver tinsel flying all over the place.

Keep going girl, you're doing just fine!
Wine cheers to you!

Original poster
Whatnext074 · 17/11/2013 16:55

Thanks mamma, made me laugh x

OP posts:
mammadiggingdeep · 17/11/2013 17:03

:) I told you didn't I...you can't keep a good woman down.

Hugs x

redundantandbitter · 17/11/2013 17:42

Go what go what. You have been SO busy.

You know what, some things aren't As hard as blokes make out you think. Last year I booked flights and accommodation and took the kids abroad - it all worked!

Yesterday I took my wood burner apart and (tried) to fix it .

I can put air pressure in my boiler and even reconnected my starter motor by talking to the nice man in the garage over the phone! He cheered when I successfully started my engine and offered to buy me a pair of overalls.

You have your pink tool kit (envy) now you can
Fix stuff! And when you have done your course you can sort out my make up coz I still have no idea at 43.

So pleased that a little glimmer of sunshine is coming through.

BlueSkySunnyDay · 17/11/2013 20:47

You are doing brilliantly Grin dont let the "Mr Poor Me" drag you back down.

Ive considered doing painting and decorating would be good to know how you get on.

cjel · 17/11/2013 20:53

Wow WHAT , you are amazing, well done. I've treated my self to a leaf hoover today as I was getting fed up with raking and sweeping leaves, had a moment of 'its all too much' then thought no it isn't get a leaf vacuum!!! The more we do the more we realise that we've been lied to all this time about hard things wereSmileFlowers

bluebirdwsm · 17/11/2013 21:23

What, I am full of respect for how you are getting on with things. It's great to see how positive you are being - and rightly so. There is a lot to look forward to. So much to learn, so much to see, so many places to go and so many friends you've yet to meet.

Sounds like you look good too, fantastic!

mammadiggingdeep · 17/11/2013 22:04

Cjel...please tell me the leaf Hoover is PINK? That would be doubly awesome.
X

Original poster
Whatnext074 · 17/11/2013 22:07

Thank you all.

Somebody on my other thread suggested the song, 'Move in the Right Direction' by The Gossip and that is my anthem at the moment.

One step closer I'm feeling fine
getting better one day at a time
I'm moving forward with all of my might
I'm heading toward a new state of mind
so I hold back tears
move in the right direction
face my fears
move in the right direction
I'm doing fine....

....Keeping my head up, looking forward
reminiscing will get you nowhere
never say never starting over
it's not perfect but its getting closer

Baby steps x

OP posts:
mammadiggingdeep · 17/11/2013 22:12

:)

You rock x

redundantandbitter · 17/11/2013 22:37

Mama you beat me to it - was going to ask cjel if the leaf Hoover is pink too!

Bloody hell what you sound like a different person... Truly I admire your positiveness.

Please can I stand next to you and hope you rub off on me.. ( Ahem that came out all wrong)

cjel · 17/11/2013 22:53

NoooooSad I didn't think to look for a pink one!! Wonder if they'll take it back - or perhaps I could stick some sparkly stickers all over it instead? I was going to bed feeling a bit low and thought I'd say goodnight first and you lot made me laugh out loud Grin thank you . now I'll have sweet dreams of pink leaf blowers1!!!!

redundantandbitter · 17/11/2013 22:56

Night cjel, chin up chuck. X

Original poster
Whatnext074 · 17/11/2013 23:06

R&B - I realise there is nothing I can do to change what has been done. I miss my H terribly but I miss the man he was, I don't recognise the man he has become.

My DS needs me and needs to see that I am getting better. My family have also been through so much over the past year and they thought they were going to lose me as well.

I have had so many dark days and this whole situation has hurt me like nothing before but I am strong, I am slowly finding my strength again. I love my H, always will but threatening suicide and sobbing to me when he has treated me so badly is actually something that drives me to a better place in my mind. He didn't kill himself - I nearly did, I think you all understood the desperation in my posts and how close I was. I wrote him an email that night and never sent it, I'm glad I didn't now. I certainly have my anxious moments and think about him a lot but it doesn't overwhelm me to the extent it has.

R&B, listen to the song if it helps, it took me a few weeks to understand that actually I can listen to it all the way through without crying.

If I had a tree, I would buy a pink leaf blower x

OP posts: