Whatnext074 - thread continued

[Whatnext074]

I would firstly like to thank everyone who has offered me support, even those who did so silently on my last thread 1880152-Oh-God-Just-looked-up-H-OW-on-FB-feel-sick

I don't know how to convert the link - I have ticked the box but not sure it's worked.

Thank you for all the pms since too asking how I am.

My previous thread is long so some background: Was with my H for 11 years, we were very close and although we had traumas out of our control, I never doubted that we wouldn't be together forever.

In the space of 9 months, we lost 4 babies in the family, 2 of them our own. We remained close and supported each other.

My H suddenly changed, he turned from a loving, caring man into a stranger who was verbally abusive and aggressive and scared me. He continually denied having an affair when I asked and blamed me for the way he was. I thought he was having a breakdown (I still do).

I found evidence that he was having an affair with a colleague and I told him to leave, he's still with OW. I am so heartbroken and at times, I didn't actually think I would make it to the next day. One particular night a few weeks ago, I believe MNers did save me, just to know there were people there who cared and offer advice.

I have a DS (my H is his SF) who has been so worried about me and I am trying so hard to get myself better.

I have had so many pms from MNers who have asked me to start another thread so I am. I am so utterly grateful for all the support I have been given. I am not completely out of the darkness yet but I hope I don't get as bad as I have been recently.

I miss the man he was, I don't recognise the man he has become.

Hold on to that thought next time you have a wobble What.

People change, things that happen in our lives change us and there is no point clinging to something which no longer exists if it is ultimately bad for us. It is a shame when you have had a good relationship and he has been a good man but that is not who he is now and his treatment of you that night you called him, in my eyes, is completely unforgiveable it says a lot for who you are that you were concerned for him when he appeared to have a similar crisis.

Wow, I know what r&d means about wanting what you've got to rub off because you're in the zone! It's inspiring to listen to you - it gives hope tbh. Not everyone has the same heartache but there's a lot of heartache about...

I'm sooooo glad you've emerged from his mithering gloop. All about him eh . Yes, you were genuinely close to the awful deed, whereas he's just complaining at his lot. Big difference.

Onward and upward. So proud of you and inspired by you

what you should be very proud of yourself, for how far you have come in such a short space of time. So many of us were worried for you when we read that first desperate post. You have pulled yourself up and out and continue to fight.

It is very hard recognising that they are no longer the man that you knew. My XH literally changed everything about himself, his clothes, his hair, his shoes, got contacts, changed his eating/drinking habits...

this was the man who told me that "you are what you are, people cannot change" - then went all out to change every single thing about himself, under the guidance of OW! Twat.

of course, changing your appearance is one thing, but unless a person gets counselling to look at themselves, then you can buy as many clothes as you like but you will still be the same person inside!

I can see you rising through this and being in a good place, while your XH finds himself somewhere completely different to where he thought he would be. and when he does, it will not be your problem..

onwards and upwards..

As a long time lurker I had to post to say how AMAZED I am at your transformation over the last couple of months.

It feels strange to say this to a stranger on the internet, but I feel so proud of you getting through this, and you should be proud of yourself.

One day when you have the strength you can read your first posts and realise how far you've come.

Well done What! Not baby steps at all but great big strides... really proud of you!

Oh my goodness, what absolutely lovely replies. I have to admit that I don't feel like an inspiration but I have come a long way. You have all helped me so much and I do take your advice on board.

He contacted me again tonight, must be his Monday night thing now, wants to collect some more of his things so I told him next weekend is suitable. A couple of weeks ago, I would have wanted him this weekend so I could have something to look forward to and get to see him but I think it may set me back when I see him so I'll wait a couple more weeks until I'm that little bit stronger.

I had a little wobble today over remembering him defending his OW to me last week but I pushed it out of my mind and it worked. I haven't cried for a while and the physical pain is getting much better so I am coping better.

Your words are so kind, made my day!

I agree, I know its hard but the less you see him or speak to him the stronger you will get.

The more you use the technique to push things out of your mind the easier it will become, I imagine I am sweeping things out when I start stressing or worrying about things and it helps massively.

I thought he'd already come back to get his stuff??

So he's doing it in dribs and drabs is he? Not sure I'd be happy with that tbh. Whats that all about then?

All in one go may have been too brutal for you - but I'd be looking at one full sweep in the not too distant future ie all his stuff, not bits and pieces so he can't keep coming back for some dastardly reason

Well done for putting it off for a fortnight. Do you think you could manage making this be the one and only collection, the last one? yy I appreciate he may whimper that it's too much and he's 'fragile' Too bad kiddo

are you going to make the house look completely unrecognisable when he comes

No springy, all he took was his bike and camera, said there was no room in his car and that it would take him a few trips! His wardrobe is still full of clothes, I told him he may find it hard coming back here but I'm living with it all over the house.

I put it in my solicitor letter that he needed to clear his things. If he's left, then leave. He said he has nowhere to store things as he lives in one room and I said he can store them at his OW or his parents. I might even offer to fill my car up as well and take it to his. I don't know what he's playing at.

I have lots of lovely pictures of my family up and a new rug etc. I might buy myself some flowers again. It's just hard to make many changes as I don't intend to live here that long but I can accessorise.

I tell you what, rather than filling up your car and taking it all to his, how about bin bags on the lawn on a previously specified date? If he doesn't collect, perhaps then fill up your car and take to dump/charity shop/Christmas Bazaar.

It's tempting but as it's in my solicitor letter now he'll have to comply no matter how fragile he is or how hard he finds it coming back into the 'marital home'.

Does he find it hard? If he found it hard, he'd only do it once, surely. Would he keep doing it??

You have a point there. He cries every time and never looks at me. He just wants to get in and out as quick as possible and looks really uncomfortable, never has a drink even though I offer it. Even if he got his parents to wait down the road and fill their car up as well (as I don't want them in the house after what they said to me). I don't know why he doesn't take everything. I'll never work him out so I give up.

I think you will work him out one day.

He cries because he's been caught, life has caught him, not because he has hurt you. He cries because he has to believe his own hype that he was forced to do this terrible thing, despite everything he is and everything he believes in, because he just had to do it because he was no longer in the marriage. He has to be seen to wring his hands in agony at the awful thing that has happened out of his control; how any decent man would never do such a thing unless his hand was pushed. But what could he do? Yet he feels so sad and bereft that he had no choice! oh poor, poor man - what a tragedy he had no choice but to commit? Everyone will see how cut up he is about doing something he had no choice to do.

but he has to keep coming round to yours just to check the stage directions everything is going to the plan... of a poor, wretched man who had no choice, is holed up at his parents' with nowhere to go. Everyone has to see that, he has to play the part.

This, instead of 'he was married and he had an affair and left his devoted wife, which makes him a shit'. He can't have that version, he has to plump it out so everyone will see the poor man had no choice. But look how he suffers! for himself and his reputation

Hey whatnext...

What a long, long way you've come from THAT night. Somebody said it upthread- and yes it's strange to say it to a stranger- but we're all so proud of you. You have been to rock bottom and fought your way up. You are an inspiration, no doubt about that. You're certainly showing your ds how to deal with the shit life can throw at you.

You said in your last post ' you give up trying to work him out' . When I genuinely got to this point with my ex things got so much easier. Instead of worrying/ mulling over for days what a text/ comment had meant I just got to a point where I shrugged my shoulders and muttered "twat" under my breath. Certainly less exhausting!

He is getting his things in drips and drabs because to clear out everything would be hard probably. However, he made the decision to leave so he should absolutely take every item...awful for you to see clothes hanging up. Hopefully he'll take everything this next time.

High five for your continued awesomeness....

xx

PS I look at my ex now, and I just think what a miserable old knob he is! I don't have to put up with his mood swings or moaning. Someone else will eventually have the pleasure (not the OW as she dumped him lol!)

Springyticky I think that's a very astute post and it resonates with me.

When I eventually put ExH's left-behind clothes in bin bags and dumped them in his works car park, where he worked with OW, he went potty because it wasn't in his 'script'. He even paid for me to receive a moaning solicitor's letter about how it had upset him, boo bloody hoo.

OP Keep going, you are awesome.

Just a suggestion I know it will be hard for you but perhaps you could bag his stuff up, do you have a room or a cupboard it could all go into?

If all of his possessions were removed from "life" in the house then it would underline to him that you have accepted the situation and are moving on. Whilst hard initially long term you wouldnt keep opening cupboards and seeing things which are his which must, even momentarily, set you back slightly.

I think it would be less distressing long term for you and he couldng keep coming back and cherry picking at stuff through the house as it occurs to him he wants it. Really he should be taking everything he wants in one hit, if you are hoping to get the house on the market surely it will need to be done in the not too distant future anyway...do his parents not have a loft

In the way that only men can think, bearing in mind how hideously he has behaved emotionally, he may feel he still has potentially one foot in the door at the house I do suspect there is an element of him not being ready to completely burn his boats at your end. Im not saying he has any intention of coming back but men in this situation often like to hedge their bets...once his possessions are out psychologically he has completely severed the option to move back in (his safety net)

Make sure you leave your pink tool bag out when he visits

Im not saying he has any intention of coming back but men in this situation often like to hedge their bets...

This

I think he will come back, to be honest. WhatNext represents comfort, stability & familiarity for him. Its extremely hard to leave this life pattern behind;relationships aren't solely about love.

It may all have been very well upheaving his whole life for OW but as he's found, its not all about running off into the sunset and living happily ever after. It still means responsibilities, building a completely new life, him and OW getting to know each other thoroughly in terms of likes, dislikes, wants, needs, happiness. Its no easy task at all. That's what is phasing him; like many, he's found the grass isn't always greener at all.

WhatNext and H have years of history together. She knows him better than the OW does. & its glaringly obvious not all is well with new relationship. He is in turmoil, and he will want WhatNext back, I am 100% certain on this one.

You never can tell..married couples get over all sorts of crises don't they.

If he's allowed back - you have some terms to set WhatNext and I've no doubt at all, that you will. Whilst he's been philandering, what's happened is that you've been forced to call upon your own strength reserves. You're stronger, and wiser. He'd better be careful that whenever he does pluck up courage to ask for you back, you haven't outgrown him. You won't be exactly the same person you were before but whatever happens - you'll do just fine. You've been brutally honest about your situation and how you're feeling - that's no mean feat, to be able to express like that. Your H has lost himself a diamond - & he knows it

Much love and support op!

How are you doing today what? X

MistressDeeCee - my DSis said that people do get through affairs and become strong together again but she said the way he has treated me for the 2 months before he left is what is unforgiveable. His cruelty and violence in the house (very out of character) and the name calling is what makes it difficult to forgive. I'm not sure anyone can come back from that.

I do wonder if his now reluctance to want to move forward with mediation, solicitors and divorce is because he doesn't want it or whether it is purely financial and control driven. I will never know.

If he just said sorry, told me he knows he's been a dick instead of continually telling me he doesn't love me through his tears and just spoke to me like an adult instead of sobbing about how hard his life is, then I might consider it. But, I don't think he'll ever come back and each day I move further away from him.

Why keep all his damn clothes here? He left 2 months ago! I don't get it.

You're right, he did have stability, unconditional love and loyalty from me, he has lost all of that.

Your H has lost himself a diamond - & he knows it - thank you for saying that xx

theunashamedow, what's your next trick? Going on the "dry" thread and inviting people out for a drink?

Pathetic isn't it Neiljames??