Whatnext074 - thread continued

[Whatnext074]

I would firstly like to thank everyone who has offered me support, even those who did so silently on my last thread 1880152-Oh-God-Just-looked-up-H-OW-on-FB-feel-sick

I don't know how to convert the link - I have ticked the box but not sure it's worked.

Thank you for all the pms since too asking how I am.

My previous thread is long so some background: Was with my H for 11 years, we were very close and although we had traumas out of our control, I never doubted that we wouldn't be together forever.

In the space of 9 months, we lost 4 babies in the family, 2 of them our own. We remained close and supported each other.

My H suddenly changed, he turned from a loving, caring man into a stranger who was verbally abusive and aggressive and scared me. He continually denied having an affair when I asked and blamed me for the way he was. I thought he was having a breakdown (I still do).

I found evidence that he was having an affair with a colleague and I told him to leave, he's still with OW. I am so heartbroken and at times, I didn't actually think I would make it to the next day. One particular night a few weeks ago, I believe MNers did save me, just to know there were people there who cared and offer advice.

I have a DS (my H is his SF) who has been so worried about me and I am trying so hard to get myself better.

I have had so many pms from MNers who have asked me to start another thread so I am. I am so utterly grateful for all the support I have been given. I am not completely out of the darkness yet but I hope I don't get as bad as I have been recently.

You'd rake it in...there's a lot of arseholes out there! :(

Hi what how was your day? Get any better after reading your own team
Of cheerleaders messages of support. I'm still cross on your behalf, the blooming nerve of the man ... Sobbing down the line to you and getting you drawn in and concerned and then went to bed! Me me me. Next time tell him you can't chat for long as you have a 'visitor'. Unbelievable . Hope you have stopped feeling bad for him. Sleep well

Hey what...

Hope you're ok. Hope you've had an ok evening and get some sleep.

Hugs x

Hey, what, how are you? Thinking of you, hope you're ok xxx

Hey whatnext...
Hope you're ok and work is going alright. Hope the other night isn't playing on your mind too much. Do you have plans at the weekend? Something to look forward to?
X

Hope everything is going ok What.

Hope you're ok what x

Hi what, how are you ? Check in. X

Thank you for your posts.

I have been up and down over past few days, it's messed my head up and it's not fair but I can't help but worry about him. I feel sorry for him and I don't know why but, I have to think of myself as I don't want to get to a bad place again. I think the fact that through his sobbing, he said he hadn't loved me for ages hurt me again, he doesn't have to keep saying that to me - I get the message.

My H has given up so much, it's sad. If he is sick then there's only one person he has who would have looked after him and he has pushed me away.

My DS has got a job walking distance from home so he came home tonight having given up his other job and gave me a big smile and a hug at the door. He's amazing.

Glad to hear from you What.

Well, you feel sorry for him because he put on an oscar performance to get you to feel sorry for him; to offload his guilt and uncomfortableness about the shitty, shitty thing he has done. When he'd done it - transferred his shit to you - he went to sleep. Job done. Like sowing a field, he left it to germinate.

He wasn't so badly off the other night that he couldn't throw in an outrageous lie: that he hadn't loved you for a long time. That is a plain lie and you know it.

Yay fabulous DS

Just a thought, having only read your posts (not the replies of others) the biggest recurring theme is your guilt at how you think his demise and possible break down is because of you.

Tbh, I think it more likely that he's falling apart because it's not just you who now can see the real him. I suspect he's realised that he's been busted and that the worlds perception of him has changed for the worse. His mask has been dropped, he's feeling exposed and knows he's lost the respect of everyone.

So, you can continue to see his decline as a reason for you to feel guilty, or you can see it as his reaction to how the wider world now sees him and not your treatment of the situation at all.

I'm not suggesting he necessarily did it consciously, but he did it nonetheless.

He was buckling under the weight of the heinous thing he has done. So he got this huge sack that was weighing him down... and gave it to you. He justified doing it - he had 'not loved you for a long time' - then relaxed. All's well with him...

Only you're the one carrying the lead weight. Which belongs to him.

Joysmum - I think that's it. He's built his reputation on his integrity and now even his DB has no time for him and his lies. He only has his parents and (I think still) his OW. He even told me he does nothing except go to work and then go back to his room.

He has this amazing professional presence but he has never had any friends but I thought that was okay as he seemed okay with that and just wanted me - even though I have a lot of friends. Now it appears he has nobody and that is probably why I have this guilt as I have many people I can turn to but he hasn't.

He has always prided himself on his loyalty and morals and now that is shot to pieces and the only way he can deal with it is to detach the deceit and cruel way he's treated me and say that the OW is separate and nothing to do with us.

He has tried damage limitation by contacting members of his family and explaining his side and how he is so wounded but most either don't care, because they have never been close or they don't believe him and feel for me and my DS.

It's so sad seeing/hearing what he has become. I have a large family and they would have always been there for him, he saw my DBs and my DS as his own and so did they but he's lost that now.

I also feel guilty because although it's incredibly hard, I know I'll be okay, I have no choice but I'm not sure he will be. But - he doesn't want my help.

You are very perceptive.

Hi Whatnext

My ex was the same - no friends. Whilst I thought this really strange after a while, I didnt let it bother me. Took me a long while to realise it was VERY important to him what people in the outside world - colleagues, relatives etc thought of him. I then realised he didnt have friends because he didnt want others around; he didnt want people to see or know the real him. When we split I discovered he badmouthed me to everybody - not just his family, but to my family and friends too. Luckily they didnt take on board what he was saying. But it really, really matters to him what people think about him.

Your EXh will be ok, he will make sure he finds help if and where he needs it. The sad thing is, in this life you really cant analyze or 2nd guess people at all. We believe they must feel guilty about their actions - but in reality, you cannot truly know if someone feels guilty at all. Sometimes its simply that theyre annoyed that not everything is going their way and not everybody is in their corner.

Unfortunately not everyone has empathy, this is exactly why they can drop an absolute bombshell into another's life and then attempt to guilt trip everybody else. They need to play victim, and they need approval.

Keep looking after yourself - you and your DS are the most important people in this scenario, and you'll come through it

Morning what,
Glad to see you're ok...your ds is amazing. Bless him. I think it's natural to be upset to see h on a bad place. You love him and you care about him. Just keep putting yourself first. You've come so far.

I think joysmum is prob right too- he's upset his reputation is on tatters. Of course it would hurt to have your own DB think the worst of you. Unfortunately he can't change what he's done can he?

Hugs- have a good day x

What - obv you still have feelings for him, bastard that he is, - BUT you can't do anything about that. Carry on having feelings, give yourself permission if you like. It won't change anything he's done, or is doing. You don't need to be part of his 'fantasy' about his perception of others/by others.

It will still hurt you, but if you tell yourself THERE IS NOTHING I CAN DO - then you may be able to put it aside and just live with it.

That, until you get angry and then indifferent.

And bless ds. What a sensitive young man.

Whoever we are, how we live our lives, whoever/whatever we choose as a 'bandage', whatever tactics and coping mechanisms we are choosing, whatever we are running from - it will one day catch up with us and we will have to face ourselves. And it often is excruciating, painful and usually accompanied by loss of some sort. For some it is part of life and overcome without too much discomfort [a wobble at being 40 for eg]. [For a couple of people I know it has meant a suicide or a divorce, for me it was the end of wanting a partner in any form].

For other people it is a major event and life changing. This is usually for people who are in denial about something, lying about something or have personality problems etc.

I dare say that 'amazing professional presence' is a mask, not the real person [I knew someone like this, in her personal life she was always causing trouble, promiscuous, often being the OW etc].

Your H is going through something that's for sure. Whether he should take you down with him when he has chosen the route of leaving you and your son for OW, being so cruel ever since and telling you he does not love you - is the point. Has he any right to expect you to help him and feel guilty?

He is responsible for his actions and only he can sort out his life. He seems to have found reality and is seeing who he really is, and doesn't like much what he sees. Most human beings can empathise, you can still love the person who rejected you but they ultimately that person has to get through this their own way, they are on their own path. Sometimes that leaves us behind and is a painful fact of life.

I hope you are ok what, along with your amazing son, and feeling life is more in your control and that the future is worth looking towards.

Sure I posted - but can't find it... Going bonkers.

Your DS sounds lovely - I like him!

My EX is a police officer and was very badly bothered about people no longer seeing him as a 'good person' when he left his wife. Ok, there were other contributing factors too but he didn't have a close group of mates either so he did spend a lot of time either at work or in his room. He self harmed and ended up being signed off work for 3 months and took anti depressants. Sound familiar? It must be very common.

Next time he decides to call you and off load his emotional baggage onto you ask yourself a question ' would he do this for me?'. If your answer is 'no' then tell him y

Bugger - stupid phone

Anyway tell him you're busy and not qualified to analyse his feelings. Then advise him to go talk to a professional therapist. It's not ok To take you down with him now he's left and got OW. If there were real issues he should have addressed them with you. Too late now. Let him
Get on with it. You are doing so well.

I think anyone who has had a relationship end in these circumstances understands how you feel - you still care for him and feel torn when he is troubled. The honest truth though is you cant make him treat you with respect, you cant force him to love you and you may never understand why he did this (I doubt he really knows)

What you can do is move on with your life without him slowly, if he is unpleasant or distresses you end the conversation. If he needs sympathy tell him to discuss it with OW - its not your problem.

It seems like any contact you have with him sets you back again, once you feel stronger limiting contact will allow you to move on and not keep pulling you back into his drama.

Sorry to over-egg this - he may not like what he's seeing but, instead of bearing it himself, doing it himself, carrying the weight of it himself... he is not, he is putting it on you, What. ie making a huge song and dance about it, so you feel guilty and beside yourself with worry (because he is threatening to kill himself or hurt himself in some way). It really is monstrously cowardly.

The pain of this has driven you to the very brink. Your pain is legit (if you like), clean pain: the result of someone else's heinous actions, betrayal. His pain is cowardice, that he doesn't want to face what he has done. So he puts it on you. When you have plenty to carry at present. Thanks to him and his actions.

We can all have our moments of truth and it is not pretty to face and can be very, very challenging. But we bear it and don't dump it on someone else. You of all people in this sordid tale, What! While at the same time not only mentioning her name but supporting her to you and making her out to be the focus of all this. It is too, too bad.

He's got you on a false platform here. You don't belong there - he does.

I actually phoned him that night, because I was fed up of texts backwards and forwards and I'm an adult and would like to think we can discuss things.

I didn't expect to hear a sobbing man asking me to stop talking because "couldn't I hear it in his voice that he is fragile".

you can still love the person who rejected you but they ultimately that person has to get through this their own way, they are on their own path. Sometimes that leaves us behind and is a painful fact of life.

Wise words with posts, I can't make him love me, he is dealing with his own internal trauma - I could help him but he doesn't want that and I haven't offered.

Hey, we are ALL fragile ffs and maybe this is what your H has to learn. We are not on this earth to be played with, mocked, abused or taken for granted by other people. Then dismissed, rejected and brushed off.

We are all vulnerable, we put our trust and hopes for future happiness when entering a loving relationship which we hope will nourish and sustain us as we love the other person and give them the best of us. We make efforts to make that other person happy, and not to hurt them - all the while opening ourselves up and making ourselves vulnerable.

This is what you did what, you and your son, two human beings [a single parent and a young son] with feelings, trust and wanting to share life with this man. You were generous and shared your family and friends with him as you say he had few of his own - just his own persona, honed to impress. God knows how he would feel if he had been so rejected. You have had a very hard time - he cannot even concede that. Does he ever mention your son? Is he interested in his life/welfare at all?

Did H not hear the fragility in your voice when you wanted him to help you, when you were genuinely in deep distress not of your making? Time I fear for him to learn some basic lessons of how not to be so self obsessed, cruel and dismissive and to learn self awareness and the consequences of certain behaviours. And that other people can hurt too!

I hope you are coping ok with all this, stay strong what. Life's a bastard sometimes and one thing only is certain.....and that is that all things change. I hope you have a good weekend x

Hello WHAT, How are you doing?

what - what did he do when you phoned him in a 'fragile' state? Oh yes that's right - told you to bugger off and not to phone again until you were more 'stable'.

Poor poor man. So fragile, and all for what?

Pathetic.