Whatnext074 - thread continued

[Whatnext074]

I would firstly like to thank everyone who has offered me support, even those who did so silently on my last thread 1880152-Oh-God-Just-looked-up-H-OW-on-FB-feel-sick

I don't know how to convert the link - I have ticked the box but not sure it's worked.

Thank you for all the pms since too asking how I am.

My previous thread is long so some background: Was with my H for 11 years, we were very close and although we had traumas out of our control, I never doubted that we wouldn't be together forever.

In the space of 9 months, we lost 4 babies in the family, 2 of them our own. We remained close and supported each other.

My H suddenly changed, he turned from a loving, caring man into a stranger who was verbally abusive and aggressive and scared me. He continually denied having an affair when I asked and blamed me for the way he was. I thought he was having a breakdown (I still do).

I found evidence that he was having an affair with a colleague and I told him to leave, he's still with OW. I am so heartbroken and at times, I didn't actually think I would make it to the next day. One particular night a few weeks ago, I believe MNers did save me, just to know there were people there who cared and offer advice.

I have a DS (my H is his SF) who has been so worried about me and I am trying so hard to get myself better.

I have had so many pms from MNers who have asked me to start another thread so I am. I am so utterly grateful for all the support I have been given. I am not completely out of the darkness yet but I hope I don't get as bad as I have been recently.

You are coping impressively, it seems to me!

What a bastard. Sorry, had to be said

So, hang on, let's get this straight: not only has he shat on you from a height, but he bleats and moans 'in agony' ( ), expecting you to carry the full weight of all of it. You are getting yourself together (after he very cruelly told you words to the effect of pull yourself together or I wont talk to you ) and he's decided that's not on, he has to pull you down again with shit about doing this or that to himself

Poor, pity him eh

(After dropping his bombshell that [understandably] had you in a terrified, worried, guilty state, he was asleep! When you haven't been able to sleep for months!)

Yes its definetely part of the (usual) script. My ExH text me to say he couldn't go on, & had put a noose around his neck. Oh and before that, he was going to cut his wrists. I got a text on that occasion too. That was in 2006 he's still very much alive (so much for suicide, eh?) and still with the OW although at 1 stage he asked to come back to me...yaaaawn @ these men who can't take on the responsibility of what they've done, then try to use the woman they've dissed & left as fallback girl/sounding board/scapegoat. Its too unattractively weak for words. The Script..it never changes much.

Nobody's responsible for anybody's suicide in any event. Hopefully you'll manage to go No Contact one day WhatNext, this man is trying to play you like an emotional fiddle. The OW can fret about and deal with his self-inflicted confusion but I have a mind he's not making her take anything on board.

You're way above all this. Your son, your DB, stable people with your interests at heart..they're the good people for you. Keep going- you're the stronger and wiser one here.

Hardly any sleep again thanks to him, am so exhausted all the time. I won't fall for it again and I agree, he's probably not putting any of this on her! So cruel and he doesn't even seem to see it.

He even said we can't afford a divorce and there's no hurry.

springy - that's so true.

God I can't believe he's got the flaming cheek to offload on you like that. Then make you worry with his half cocked 'suicude' comments. This was all his doing. He didn't have to ! I'm so sorry that he's screwed up your evening . It's because he knows he can. He knows you are good and compassionate. Hope you recover and get through the day hun. Thinking if you.

What an arse, what. He blames you for his guilt -you suggested that you'd heard he'd been dissing your marriage? How very dare you! Even when he does diss your marriage, that is nothing to do with it. Of course not! Ok now you've made him feel terrible by repeating what he's said; it's all your fault; he is so upset he is thinking of 'ending it all'.

You then go crazy because you cannot handle the guilt he has heaped on you.
He falls asleep.

God I hate him! Please go NC. He is stressing you further and it's NOT ON!

And agree - the solicitor is for the protection of your interests. Of course he won't like it!

he is trying to guilt trip you into calling off the solicitor. Because it will cost him money to have to go through a solicitor. Because you might get what you are entitled to.

Ignore his empty threats. No contact unless absolutely necessary.

Hi Darling

IMHO it is all actions of a man floundering around as he loses a little of the control.

1. He probably expected he could get you to sort things amicably when he was ready. In his own time and to his own benefit. Your letter - perfectly reasonable and responsible and as any professional would advise you to do - has shown him that he isn't going to call the shots on that one, hence tantrum disguised as mini breakdown (my own ex pretended that he may want to get together but that I should sign a shit financial deal before I left for UK for 8 weeks so his "head would be clear to think about me'. As much as I was away with the fairies in shock and grief, err no sunshine,; devastated not lobotomised)

1. He wanted to tell his story - plucky DH summing up courage to end loveless marriage with What and finally allowing himself to be freed of 'loveless' marriage - but when caught out in a blatant lie massage of truth has to deny it so as not to confirm he is in fact cowardly liar who, most likely, has met someone who has turned his head and so has to justify it by trashing your marriage otherwise he just looks like a selfish cock.

1. When realising your were not falling for said breakdown went to sleep.

I'm not saying he isn't stressed. He has just ended his marriage, thrown in his lot with OW in uncharted waters, lost his stepson, alienated family and will take a financial hit. A lot to be stressed about for sure but a. its of his own making and b. it is utterly shitty to be putting this back on you in an effort to improve his own lot. I don't make light of suicide - I referenced way at the beginning of your thread that I referenced the suicide of a family member over a break-up -- but I would pretty much guarantee that your ex is not going to do anything like that and I would not spend one second of your emotional resources worrying about it. If he references again, you should call his brother (just to be on safe side) and let him know and let them deal with it.

I'm so sorry this has happened to unsettle you. I have been reading and have seen your posts trying to help others. Its probably what he was banking on. I imagine you have a track record in real life of helping others and he was hoping that he could play you. But you my love are not a fiddle. Rather a Steinway!

Love Dolly x

trouble is, when we start to take some control the plan they had isn't up to them any more and they panic!!! its the hardest thing in the world, but try and realise he will rant and then calm down and you will be left feeling crap for days. Think that and it may help you to let it out of your mind quicker. Its a hard exercise to do but eventually it becomes easierxx

I cannot believe the selfishness/self obsession of this very controlling egotistical man, what. Everything is about him, absolutely everything. And everything is made to be your fault, everything.

How dare you get upset about losing your babies, putting up with his anger, finding out about the OW, seeing him leave? How dare you try and arrange a mutually agreeable time for him to pick up his stuff? How dare you consult a solicitor and look after your future/finances after his abandonment?

The cheek of him is astounding. What about wanting contact with his stepson, who he has abandoned merrily, without thought or conscience for your DS's feelings? That is what disgusts me, 9 years of attachment and then rejection. Just cruel to your son, as indeed what he has done/is doing to you - to this day. Cruelty.

You are just now strong enough to challenge his behaviours, to look after yourself and your health in all this - and he's losing the tight hold he had/has on you and your emotions, trying to keep you as an insurance policy. How dare you involve other people in his drama, which is all about him and what he wants!

Personally with such nasty emotional blackmail being used in such a controlling way, to force you to do things his way - or else - I would go for absolutely no contact from now on. Let him stew in his mixed messages and lie in the bed he has made.

In no way do you know the whole story, just what he selects to say for maximum impact on your life - to sustain your uncertainty and immobilise you. I'm guessing the OW is rejecting him somehow and he can't cope with the stress of a new relationship, financial implications of what he has set in motion. And he knows he's messed up big time, no way back, and people have seen through him. Let him get on with it.

Look after yourself what, you have been so strong, and for one I am incensed he has worked on you again to cause you another sleepless night - which you desperately need. Selfish childish weak man. Stay strong, avoid contact. Any more suicidal dramas and text his brother/family and leave it. [I've had that one, yeah I meant so much to him he met someone else, married and abandoned our children.....]. It's all bullshit.

....desperately don't need.

I so needed to read your posts. Haven't been able to concentrate at work all morning and the guilt has been immense for me.

I keep remembering him sobbing saying he spends all his time in his rented room and has nobody and he wants to end his pain. BUT - you're right, he then went to sleep! Wish I could sleep.

He hasn't got the 'you've caused a lung tumour' anymore so he moves to this and definitely, he wants to do things in his time, when he's ready, well I can't wait. It's doing me in being in our home and I need to move on.

He is sick in the head, I know he's struggling but he actually believes that what he's doing is acceptable and that he simply fell out of love with me. He detaches the two things and defended his OW again last night. He said she was bad timing - I agree, about 11 years bad timing as he should never have gone with her while he was married but 11 years ago would have been acceptable then I wouldn't be in this situation!

I actually have spent so much time feeling sorry for him - even now - but I need to remember where I've been and I can't go back to those dark days. I have a horrible, horrible feeling in my stomach today but your messages have really helped me, thank you so much.

xx

I think OP he is acting. Take care of yourself and ignore his crocodile tears. They are the tears of guilt and he said he would have ended the relationship anyway because he stopped loving you. That confirms that he may have actually said things were not working between the two of you. What a cunning and callous man. He wants you to feel sorry for him. You already feel guilty he is trying "to end his life". I am sure he is not.
Please OP don't fall for his tricks. You are slowly recovering and here he is trying again to make your life miserable. I know you still love him but he is disgusting and pathetic.

what I had the same speech. It was just a "coincidence" that he was texting OW thousands of times when he fell out of love with me and I was "just clutching at straws" to blame that for him leaving.....

Ignore it. You are not stupid even if he is.

Remember this is the man who wouldnt speak to you on the phone when you were right on the edge.

He can see you are getting stronger, he can feel you are more in control - so hence part of the script - "Make veiled hints about suicide or excessive drinking or drug use. Be erratic and hard to contact." Last night was practically a textbook example wasnt it!!!

I dont understand how he is so upset that you believe what someone else has told you but then clarified he doesnt love you and would have left .... WTF is going through his head, is that not worse?

I cant feel sorry for Mr BooHoo Poor me, if a relationship has run its course it is possible to end it with empathy and consideration for the other person - he made these choices, he is still making the wrong choices. If he grew up, owned his decisons and tried to act honourably from now on, whilst the outcome of your relationship would still be sad it would not be the clusterf*ck he has currently made of it.

I think he needs to see a doctor, get some ADs then perhaps he can start seeing how the world is rather than the work of fiction he is creating.

Please dont let him drag you back down seeing a solicitor was the best thing to do for you - his behaviour towards you means you no longer have to consider what he wants, unless it is in your interests.

'He fell out of love with me' - who knows what came first; the affair or the falling-out-of-love (I know which I'd bet on) Of course he is trying to justify his affair, if he'd just met and fallen in lust with OW his friends/family would be suitable disgusted at him. BUT as/if he was in a loveless marriage anyway, then they will not think so bad of him...

Next time he threatens to 'end his pain' - phone his brother. AND TELL HIM YOU WILL DO SO! I bet he backpedals so fast he meets himself coming the other way!

Although -done the suicide talk - whats next in the script? Anger? Threats? Nice? Tears (again)?

Hi what.

De-lurking again out of complete jaw dropping shock.

So, let's get this straight;

He doesn't want any communication with you, when YOU'RE emotional.
But it's OK to talk to you, when he's sobbing like the spoilt brat he is

You are in a really bad way, and phone him, and he more or less hangs up on you, doesn't ring the next day either and probably lost no sleep over it to check you haven't done anything bad.
He threatens to, you ring and text a lot, feeling frantic and guilty and he gets a good nights sleep.....again.

I wouldn't let him have the chance to hang up on me again. I would put the phone down and text, 'I can't speak to you, when you are this emotional, only ring me when you have your shit together'

He actually has the fecking brass neck to tell you it would have happened anyway because he didn't love you, and then sob like a baby with self pity about his situation!!!

Honestly you could cook something with the steam that is currently coming out my ears. What a prize size prick he really is.

I wouldn't waste any more time on him. He is never going to get it, is he? Once you internalise this, you will be amazed how much freedom it will bring you.

I would be surprised if OW hasnt dumped him - hence all the sobbing and hand wringing now...of course its all your fault. You are too kind What.

Nice one sassy prize size prick

I know you are not a bitch and he's banking on that

But would it not give him a taste of his own headfuckery, if you actually cranked it up a couple of notches with the solicitor?

He won't be expecting it, as his plan is manipulation obvious to those looking in and he will be thinking you will back off now.

I know I would go for the juggular

Blue

Omg....

Just checking in. Am u getting this right????

You had a suicidal phone call where he off loaded his emotions onto you???? Then fell asleep????

Oh what, my darling. This man is a prize class A shit. I do hope you haven't taken too much of it on your shoulders. You know this was all his doing. How fucking dare he??

Two things:

1. this has happened because he got a whiff of you taking control. Didn't like you controlling your own destiny did he? Thought HE would determine how and when you divorced
2. you coped the other Saturday, got back from you 'trip' to London, didn't beg or cry for him to reconsider...not quite what he was expecting I reckon
3. he bloody turned his back on you on your dark Saturday. Actually said that he thought it best you had no contact until you were stronger. Fucking low life to leave you so desperate and sad. Even us strangers (at the time, best if mumsnet friends now :) ) on the Internet held your hand and showed you more compassion and love than he did on that dark night.

Fuck him whatnext. I know you're kind and a genuinelyivt person but you must put yourself, and your own health above him. Next time he calls like that tell him to jog on and keep on jogging.

God, am so angry in your behalf. What a joker this guy is.

Hugs to you whatnext. Do not let this latest twist de rail you from the progress you were making.

X

Sassy....amen to cranking it up a few notches!!!

Mamma- I'd personally be cranking it up so much, his ass would be electrified.

unfortunately, the situation seems to be, that what next is a nice person, and prize size you know who, equates nice with 'weak'

You can't fight such people with nice. They leave size 9 dents all over you.

Join me on the cynical/jaded bench, and grab those balls.

And I promise, you only have to squeeze as hard as you want.......but you do need to grab them, eventually.

Sassy...next time I'm on the phone to my arsehole ex I want to put it on loud speaker and have you as my spokeswoman

I'd love it!

I should start my own business of composing letters, emails and text messages to assholes.