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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Whatnext074 - thread continued

999 replies

Whatnext074 · 05/11/2013 19:57

I would firstly like to thank everyone who has offered me support, even those who did so silently on my last thread 1880152-Oh-God-Just-looked-up-H-OW-on-FB-feel-sick

I don't know how to convert the link - I have ticked the box but not sure it's worked.

Thank you for all the pms since too asking how I am.

My previous thread is long so some background: Was with my H for 11 years, we were very close and although we had traumas out of our control, I never doubted that we wouldn't be together forever.

In the space of 9 months, we lost 4 babies in the family, 2 of them our own. We remained close and supported each other.

My H suddenly changed, he turned from a loving, caring man into a stranger who was verbally abusive and aggressive and scared me. He continually denied having an affair when I asked and blamed me for the way he was. I thought he was having a breakdown (I still do).

I found evidence that he was having an affair with a colleague and I told him to leave, he's still with OW. I am so heartbroken and at times, I didn't actually think I would make it to the next day. One particular night a few weeks ago, I believe MNers did save me, just to know there were people there who cared and offer advice.

I have a DS (my H is his SF) who has been so worried about me and I am trying so hard to get myself better.

I have had so many pms from MNers who have asked me to start another thread so I am. I am so utterly grateful for all the support I have been given. I am not completely out of the darkness yet but I hope I don't get as bad as I have been recently.

OP posts:

BlueSkySunnyDay · 13/12/2013 13:48

Mumsnet obviously having technical issues!

Noctilucent · 13/12/2013 14:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

enlightenmequick · 13/12/2013 16:22

I sniff something fishy. I 1st sniffed it when he last came to your house and said something along the lines of you don't deserve the way I've treated you, etc. I thought then, he's testing her to see if there is a glimmer of her having him back.

Then the garden/flight thing, anger, begging. I don't think he knows what will work and what won't.

We have a saying from my home town, for when you don't believe something.

'If there's another ow, I'll show my ass at the top of king St'

If I was you, I'd be ringing his work anonymously about 2 days after he's supposed to be on hols. Or I'd wait outside where he is supposed to be staying, in case he has the time off work, but doesn't actually go on hols.

The present isn't meant for ow, its meant for you, to think that's it for ow.

Original poster

Whatnext074 · 13/12/2013 17:24

bluesky - I hear you twice

Noctilucent and enlightenmequick - that would be a really sick thing to do wouldn't it? It's like when we were NC weeks ago and he sent a strange text that didn't make sense and I didn't reply then 2 hours later he apologised for the text and it went into texts back and forth all night until he had regained the higher ground and stopped.

When I see/speak to him, it really messes with my head and mabe that's his aim. I have been thinking that he doesn't want anything to do with me so why be like this with me but surely he cannot turn 11 years off like that - even if it is of his doing.

Begging, anger, cruelty, crying, confused, nasty, apologising - isn't this what I'm supposed to be doing?? He's messed up but the more he does it, the more I push him away in my mind.

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Nevergrowingup · 13/12/2013 17:30

You're getting the measure of him and this is a good thing. You need him to be out of your head over the weekend so he doesn't own that space with your family.

I tend to agree that there is something fishy with the present. Anyone who shops online knows you get to check the address etc, several times. He's either stupid or manipulative - or both!!

When he is messing with your head, its because you are easy meat for him. He wouldn't do it with anyone else because he knows he would get short shrift. Now you have shifted into full NC, be prepared for him trying to gauge what you are thinking.

All those emotions you listed... if anyone else was like that to one of your family, what would you think? You'd steer clear. Keep walking in the other direction, he's miles behind you, and he knows it.

Nevergrowingup · 13/12/2013 17:35

I'm sure I've read on here that the period between leaving your partner and starting a full time relationship with the other person is the most testing time of the relationship. Its when many fail.

Its the end of having to lie, go behind people's backs etc so it should be fantastic. Perhaps this is not proving to be the wonderful time he had expected. He hadn't factored in that he couldn't just airbrush you out of his life. You're meant to be happy after all!! Hmmm...

Original poster

Whatnext074 · 13/12/2013 17:36

he's miles behind you, and he knows it - he took great pride in telling me at the beginning of this that he was 10 steps ahead of me and I'm playing 'catch up'. I think I am ahead of him now.

You're right nevergrowingup, the website it was from doesn't require registration and so he would have had to enter the address in manually. You'd be careful wouldn't you?! Idiot.

OP posts:

mammadiggingdeep · 13/12/2013 18:12

Just a thought regarding the pressie- was it addressed to him? Or you?? Perhaps there's something on that?? Funny it was of a picture of somebody that was an on joke between you two...

BitOutOfPractice · 13/12/2013 18:20

Hello What - I found you!

Original poster

Whatnext074 · 13/12/2013 18:20

It was our last holiday where he was absolutely horrible to me and said he wanted a divorce the night before our wedding anniversary. He was 'working' while we were away and spent a lot of time on his phone and laptop. I know now that he was contacting OW the whole time. He probably joked with her that he had been compared to that actor so it turned into their joke.

OP posts:

Original poster

Whatnext074 · 13/12/2013 18:22

Boop - I wasn't hard to find with my subject title

If this thread reaches a limit again, I think I will change my name to reflect my future.

OP posts:

BitOutOfPractice · 13/12/2013 18:25

I know - I'm just a bit dim

Don't name change - it confuses me.

I think your name, when viewed in a positive light, is like thinking about all the options and choices that are opening up to you. New vistas

Original poster

Whatnext074 · 13/12/2013 18:28

I didn't think of it like that!

OP posts:

BlueSkySunnyDay · 13/12/2013 19:56

What would delivery time from there be? Could he have ordered it in spite the night you had your bust up and he was being nasty? Maybe he had second thoughts hence his "change of plans" and attitude towards you.

Id have snapped and told him to f off by now (one of the drawbacks of being mellow most of the time is when I blow I blow big time)

Does he know you are seeing your nephew tomorrow? If he does I would definately ignore any messages from him you know he will try to spoil it for you.

BlueSkySunnyDay · 13/12/2013 19:58

Id have snapped and told him to f off by now (one of the drawbacks of being mellow most of the time is when I blow I blow big time)

Does he know you are seeing your nephew tomorrow? If he does I would definately ignore any messages from him you know he will try to spoil it for you.

BlueSkySunnyDay · 13/12/2013 19:59

FFS technology and I are not getting on today

Original poster

Whatnext074 · 13/12/2013 20:07

That had crossed my mind. I looked and they despatch the next working day so say it will be received within 2 days. It arrives yesterday, he texts me first thing this morning. He would have had to order it on the day he spoke to me.

Sometimes I think I'm looking into it too much but then I've known him for 11 years, we were soul mates - I know him. He said he couldn't bear it to know I hated him, it would finish him. Erm, sleeping with OW and making a new life with her pretty much finished me! Idiot!

I think he does know, he knows I would go as soon as possible which would be tomorrow because of the distance. He tends to leave me alone at weekends though so I don't think I'll hear from him.

OP posts:

Original poster

Whatnext074 · 13/12/2013 20:08

I've got mamma and her typos and now you bluesky repeating everything!

OP posts:

mammadiggingdeep · 13/12/2013 20:11

Bluesky...you'll be having typing problems like me in a minute

You know what...it doesn't matter what his intentions were/weren't- he's a shit. He shouldn't have had the gift sent to you either way. He shouldn't be bothering you by text to have it sent on. You're not his secretary.

Hope ur ok and are focusing on tomorrow :)

I agree, whatnext has very positive connotations too.

mammadiggingdeep · 13/12/2013 20:12

Yeah whatnext..in case you're h's escapades don't do your head in enough there's us lot and our typing/technical issues

mammadiggingdeep · 13/12/2013 20:13

Your not you're ffs. Hahaha!

BlueSkySunnyDay · 13/12/2013 20:21

sorry about that - in my defence I'm on my phone now

If that is his worry then next time he is being an arse then I'd say "I am beginning to really hate you - please leave me alone" You will hate him If he behaves that way... He really is very confused, you can't solve that so just focus on self preservation (that word took 4 attempts auto correct was convinced I wanted to say Panasonic!!!)

mammadiggingdeep · 13/12/2013 20:32

Bluesky- welcome to my world

Original poster

Whatnext074 · 13/12/2013 20:46

Dug the details out the bin wish I didn't have spag bol last night

He ordered it the same day that he phoned me.

OP posts:

mammadiggingdeep · 13/12/2013 20:50

Do you think he's playing mind games??? Maybe he's really that fucked up at the moment???

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