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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Whatnext074 - thread continued

999 replies

Whatnext074 · 05/11/2013 19:57

I would firstly like to thank everyone who has offered me support, even those who did so silently on my last thread 1880152-Oh-God-Just-looked-up-H-OW-on-FB-feel-sick

I don't know how to convert the link - I have ticked the box but not sure it's worked.

Thank you for all the pms since too asking how I am.

My previous thread is long so some background: Was with my H for 11 years, we were very close and although we had traumas out of our control, I never doubted that we wouldn't be together forever.

In the space of 9 months, we lost 4 babies in the family, 2 of them our own. We remained close and supported each other.

My H suddenly changed, he turned from a loving, caring man into a stranger who was verbally abusive and aggressive and scared me. He continually denied having an affair when I asked and blamed me for the way he was. I thought he was having a breakdown (I still do).

I found evidence that he was having an affair with a colleague and I told him to leave, he's still with OW. I am so heartbroken and at times, I didn't actually think I would make it to the next day. One particular night a few weeks ago, I believe MNers did save me, just to know there were people there who cared and offer advice.

I have a DS (my H is his SF) who has been so worried about me and I am trying so hard to get myself better.

I have had so many pms from MNers who have asked me to start another thread so I am. I am so utterly grateful for all the support I have been given. I am not completely out of the darkness yet but I hope I don't get as bad as I have been recently.

OP posts:
redundantandbitter · 13/12/2013 00:10

bluesky you are brilliant. Read your posts and thought 'fucking hell, yes' . what you have some good support here hun. Glad you didn't start a fire with the present - though it did make me smile when you said your DS wanted to too! Hope you are feeling calmer. No more posting stuff on , cards use up chest and DETACH !

redundantandbitter · 13/12/2013 00:11

Cards 'close to' chest...sorry it's late :)

BlueSkySunnyDay · 13/12/2013 00:21

Redundant have you been taking typing lessons from Mamma?

MistressDeeCee · 13/12/2013 00:49

I do wish H would just go away and stop gaslighting you. He's made a decision he doesnt know how to live with, why doesnt he go pester the OW and leave it at that. He just has waaaay too much to say. Agree with other posters, he just wants a foot in both camps, you as his 'fallback'. Doesnt it ever occur to such men you do get stronger in the face of their absolute betrayal..and you wont be there as his fallback. Well, he will get a shock one day..and then his games will have to stop. Also agree with BlueSkySunnyDay ..honestly, if I met a man who badmouthed his ex that would be a huge red flag for me, Id know he would do exactly the same about me further down the line. OW must have zero self-esteem. Anyway, its not about her..its about you WhatNext you are seeing him for who he now is, and you will deal with him accordingly. The cheek of him, with his talk..he should have thought clearly before he walked out to a new life he cant deal with, shouldnt he? He will soon find, there wont be another you. I hope he can manage not to collapse to the floor when he does come into his senses.

Original poster
Whatnext074 · 13/12/2013 01:00

I have asked him to leave me alone so many times and pester his OW, I suppose by me saying that, it has allowed him to continue to do it to me.

I will stay quiet now, only to say redirect his post. 3 months on and I'm still forwarding, am I mad?!

I want to move on, I want him out of my life and I want out of this house full of horrible memories.

mistressdeecee - he'll never come back and I wouldn't have him back now. My DM said he's filthy and full of germs now....!

OP posts:
MistressDeeCee · 13/12/2013 02:05

WhatNext he doesn't hear you when you say 'leave me alone', because he doesn't want to. That doesn't suit his plan to hang around talking rubbish and gaslighting you, instead of just getting on with the new life he dramatically chose for himself. I'm glad you now say you wouldn't take him back - he's been sleeping with another woman! That alone is a dealbreaker even if by chance you did get back together, you'd never forget that. He may not have had respect for himsrlf and his marriage - but you had respect for yourself as a wife.

You're not mad to keep forwarding his post; these things happen. But when you do stop - and I really hope you will soon, you're not his convenience - he will up the ante with the useless talk and games, because its another sign of you moving on. You can be sure - mail he really deems private and important isn't arriving through your door - its being sent to where he is living. Why should you be hassled, and the OW protected from all this?

You've got a hard road to travel but focus on yourself, and getting the house then move sorted out asap. When he sees you mean business on this he'll become a nuisance every step of the way - he doesn't want you to move on. He wants you, & the OW. & if she sees through his antics and dumps him, then that'll be another scenario whereby he'll land on you with some sob story. Well he made his (other) bed he'll have to lie in it. You've got a chance now to re-invent yourself, do things you've always wanted to do. Never know - you might enjoy itSmile.

Fancy leaving 1 relationship and diving straight into another. As you know, my ExH did that too. Its the ultimate weakness, to me. Even uf you felt your marriage wasn't wirking you wouldn't solve it by making a new life with someone else - not even the sense or strength to have some alone time to think and clear the head - and then expect new relationship to magically work, would you?

It really amazes me what people do sometimes, and then start whinging, moaning and trying to jump back into the safety of the past when things gho wrong. They must think life is a storybook, honest to god...

Has it been 3 months already?! Please still be here in another 3 months time so we can all see how well you're doing because 1 thing's for sure - you will do well

mammadiggingdeep · 13/12/2013 07:11

R and b- typo's are gonna be all the rage in 2014. Spelling properly is sooo last year :)

Whatnext- hope you're feeling ok this morning. Was thinking about your situation and thinking back to my own break up. The best times I had during the 'recovery' period were, without a doubt when I was non contact. I would get into a groove, get into routines with kids etc when he would reset his (ugly) head...it would set be back every single time. I remembered that I started throwing his post away after 2 months. He soon redirected it. I also started locking the door whenever I was in which stopped himself letting himself in...cheeky bugger. They're all cheeky buggers when they get as far down the 'arsehole' road as they have. It's like once they start on the whole ow thing they just lose all respect for everyone- even themselves. That's what lets them act so disgracefully over and over.

Anyway- enough about him, what about you? What are your plans for the weekend?

Ps- your son is so sensible!!!! Glad it was him with you and not one of your MN friends. You just know we'd have burnt that bloody present!!!! Thank goodness he's so sensible, bless him :) xx

Original poster
Whatnext074 · 13/12/2013 07:11

I got 4 hours sleep, not good that he continues to do this and affects my health! Can't go back to where I was.

I got up and was really sad but then I read your post mistressdeecee and feel a bit stronger again. Yes, exactly, none of his important mail is coming here so he can sort out his other mail too. I agree, he will change his tactics when I take control again. I'm not someone he can play his fantasy game with! He tells me to move on, tells me time and again he's not a monster and wants to do the right thing. I will and am doing the right thing by moving on with the legal side. He doesn't want me so why keep controlling and manipulating me, I'm nothing to him anymore.

The gift said on it, "hey girl, I know you want this" in a sexual way - stupid a.hole!

Yes, 3 months - how many emotions??!! I will be here in 3 months time (and I hope I don't bore people), as I most likely will be going through my divorce then.

I don't want him after him sleeping with another woman and moreso as he has been so cruel to me constantly. Who does he think he is?! No one person has a right to do that to another, let alone someone who truly loved and trusted them for so many years. Our relationship was always very close until he went crazy which has made it harder but it's in tatters now and I need to end it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Whatnext074 · 13/12/2013 07:43

I am still always surprised at how well my DS handles situations but I want to protect him too and not see his Mum a wreck curled up in a ball. He is so calm but then I see the anger in him and he admitted he was very close to contacting my H - but he won't as he has dignity. I am so proud of him.

I'm going to see my little nephew tomorrow and spend time with my family!

OP posts:
MissScatterbrain · 13/12/2013 07:49

I echo the advice to go completely NC. Do not reply to texts, emails etc at all even if he asks about that fucking parcel.

You need time and space to recover and spend time with your family x

mammadiggingdeep · 13/12/2013 08:01

Oh yes, of course you are!!! What a special day :) try to use today to get yourself back into 'the zone' so that tomorrow isn't tainted AT ALL by your h.

I just can't bieve he had it sent to your house! Yes, I totally agree nobody has the right to disrespect your feelings as much as he has that's why (as hard and as sad as it is), he needs to be totally gone from your life. He doesn't get to know you anymore, doesn't get to see you, doesn't even get to dial your number. Him, his actions and his nastiness are not good for you anymore.

Flowers for you xx

mammadiggingdeep · 13/12/2013 08:02

Oh yes the parcel...I wouldn't even respo d to questions about the parcel. Not e en an 'I didn't get it'. Just silence. Silence speaks volumes.
X

springythatlldofornow · 13/12/2013 09:39

We do hear some shocking stories on MN... but dumping you in the cruellest way, at a truly agonising time in your life (during which he was abusing you for two months); then torturing you, transferring pennies into your account to redirect his mail - as though 1. it's your job to facilitate his new life and 2. in the most menial way... I don't know, it freaks me out a bit. It is unbelievably cruel and heartless. It's inhuman.

So far so psycho nutjob. Whoever he was he isn't that person now - he is a goblin. I do hope this draws a thick black line between him and you, that there will no longer be any contact of any kind, no meetings, no calls. NO CONTACT. Let him take his poison elsewhere.

You've done marvellously, What, you are indeed an inspiration. You are firing on all human cylinders eg seeing how you can best utilise these awful experiences. Well done, you are a credit to the human race. You and DS have a great future ahead of you Flowers

BlueSkySunnyDay · 13/12/2013 09:59

seriously that present Hmm if it wasnt so hurtful it would be hysterically funny - did he always give such shit presents? If this was in isolation in a "guess what my DH has got me for xmas" my response would have been ROFL.

I live with an occasionally really unreasonable teenager and often it gets confrontational Hmm perhaps next time your FWH (fuckwit husband) starts upsetting you you can use the technique I use....I short sentence "This is the end of the conversation, im not discussing it any more" and walk out (obviously on the phone just hang up) You dont have to have any conversations with him that you dont want to any more.

I know that sounds terrible, on the whole my son is lovely, but sometimes if hes in a real mood - I dont want an argument to drag on and escalate so it is the only way to nip it in the bud.

Is your FWH really young? (curious) he seems very immature. Will stop using that abbreviation now Blush but ex seems premature and hes definately not in the DH category now is he?

Keep faking it...you will get there (you are getting there) Smile

mainamow · 13/12/2013 12:03

Hi What. Please stay strong. That gift and the message was very strange. Remember how he talked to you on the phone in front of his OW. I would not be surprised at all if that gift was from his OW to you to hurt you. As for the mail redirction just put it in an empty box or bag and leave it at the doors when he is at yours next time. Do not feel sorry him as I believe he is playing a game by looking dirty, unshaved, greezy hair. It is all their act. Try also not to call your MIL. It looks as her son has taken after her. His personality is ugly. A big hug. X Cannot believe he or they sent that gift to yours. They are evil.

mainamow · 13/12/2013 12:23

If it was for his OW he could have ordered to be sent to his parents' house or OW's. He has redirected some post to be delivered somewhere.

Original poster
Whatnext074 · 13/12/2013 12:31

2 texts from him this morning - haven't and won't reply. Saying he got a gift sent to my home by mistake and can I forward it to him and he'll put money in my account for delivery. Said it's for secret santa at work....thinks I'm stupid.

Then said if I can't forward it to let him know and he'll order another one. Obviously desperate to get it.

Won't reply.

OP posts:
mainamow · 13/12/2013 12:50

He is a selfish imbecile. He can print the picture out in his office if he needs that urgently. Why will OW need it? Do you think OP he is teasing you so you would open the package?

Original poster
Whatnext074 · 13/12/2013 12:51

By the way, he doesn't buy crap presents. Buys a couple of 'jokey' ones and then the rest are very expensive. Stupid FWH!

OP posts:
mainamow · 13/12/2013 12:53

He is yuk, yuk, yuk. Where is that vomit sign because I cannot find it :)

mainamow · 13/12/2013 12:55

Yuck of course

Original poster
Whatnext074 · 13/12/2013 12:55

mainamow - I really don't know, I can't work him out. My DS believes H sent it on purpose to me knowing I'd open it. I would get the whole thing of the famous actor as I was next to him when he was told of similarity but the words on it were sick if he intended me to open it.

OP posts:
redundantandbitter · 13/12/2013 13:09

Ignore ignore ignore... Ignore texts... Ignore parcel.... La la la

BlueSkySunnyDay · 13/12/2013 13:35

yep ignore - expect a deluge of texts

Try not to let him push your buttons when you have been doing so well and have a nice weekend to look forward to.

You have told him already you are no longer forwarding, not your problem if he is not listening.

BlueSkySunnyDay · 13/12/2013 13:43

yep ignore - expect a deluge of texts. How can he ask you to do favours after being so horrible?

Try not to let him push your buttons when you have been doing so well and have a nice weekend to look forward to.

You have told him already you are no longer forwarding, not your problem if he is not listening.