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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Whatnext074 - thread continued

999 replies

Whatnext074 · 05/11/2013 19:57

I would firstly like to thank everyone who has offered me support, even those who did so silently on my last thread 1880152-Oh-God-Just-looked-up-H-OW-on-FB-feel-sick

I don't know how to convert the link - I have ticked the box but not sure it's worked.

Thank you for all the pms since too asking how I am.

My previous thread is long so some background: Was with my H for 11 years, we were very close and although we had traumas out of our control, I never doubted that we wouldn't be together forever.

In the space of 9 months, we lost 4 babies in the family, 2 of them our own. We remained close and supported each other.

My H suddenly changed, he turned from a loving, caring man into a stranger who was verbally abusive and aggressive and scared me. He continually denied having an affair when I asked and blamed me for the way he was. I thought he was having a breakdown (I still do).

I found evidence that he was having an affair with a colleague and I told him to leave, he's still with OW. I am so heartbroken and at times, I didn't actually think I would make it to the next day. One particular night a few weeks ago, I believe MNers did save me, just to know there were people there who cared and offer advice.

I have a DS (my H is his SF) who has been so worried about me and I am trying so hard to get myself better.

I have had so many pms from MNers who have asked me to start another thread so I am. I am so utterly grateful for all the support I have been given. I am not completely out of the darkness yet but I hope I don't get as bad as I have been recently.

OP posts:
redundantandbitter · 12/12/2013 21:10

Cheeky f'ker. Sorry but getting a present sent to your house for her is just stupid. It's probably an accident but you could "accidentally" send it back 'not known at this address'. Really what I think you should.

Original poster
Whatnext074 · 12/12/2013 21:14

My DS took it to put in a bin away from the house. It has really set me back.

OP posts:
mammadiggingdeep · 12/12/2013 21:30

So glad it's getting binned. He has a cheek having anything sent to you let alone something for her. Absolute joke. Fucker.

Please tell home that you will not forward any post from now on. He hasn't lived there for 3 months. Change the fucking address and be done with it man!!!

Hugs whatnext. This is not what you needed xx

redundantandbitter · 12/12/2013 21:45

Don't tell him. Just return all post. He's a bloody grown up - not bothering to redirect post is tight, lazy and disregards your feelings. He knows how it works , just can't be arsed. Too busy booking holidays . SOOOO glad your DS binned the present. Hope you have practised your "what present, no, know nothing about it" routine.

Original poster
Whatnext074 · 12/12/2013 21:45

No mamma, it's not what I needed. If he contacts me then I will just say to redirect his mail. I want nothing more to do with it. I'm not his secretary. It's all control.

I was doing well Sad

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Nevergrowingup · 12/12/2013 21:47

What he has done is outrageous and you should let your anger spur you on. Your DS is on the ball and making good decisions. Your Ex is a bastard of the first order and seems to be living in some kind of OW lala land.

When you feel stronger, use this day as another turning point. Its solicitors all the way now.

I know that this is far from easy and you feel it is a setback but I am sure that although this has dragged you down, you will recover faster than before. Make your anger work for you - keep him at solicitor's length and make a pact with yourself to enjoy the weekend.
He shouldn't be part of it in any way.

Original poster
Whatnext074 · 12/12/2013 21:54

He's been nasty and continues to be. He continually tells me that he is not a monster but he actually is. Why can't he just leave me alone? I don't know if he can't bear for me to get on with my life or if he just doesn't think. Either way, it's not fair.

My DS came in from work tonight to see me a bloody wreck again, My DM called me and had to calm me down. It's not fair. I should be able to concentrate on my happy family news. He's nasty. He's with OW, just leave me alone!

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Nevergrowingup · 12/12/2013 22:03

I'm no psychologist but his behaviour smacks of someone who is not entirely comfortable with his decisions. Sort of keeping a foot in each camp. He's using up all his 'niceness' with OW so all the bile (hatred of himself) is coming in your direction.

Heaven help that he takes responsibility for this himself. Much easier to blame you and keep prodding you to make sure you are hurting enough. It might be difficult for him to see you happy and contented.

Perhaps for his story to stand up to scrutiny, you need to fill the role he has cast for you - who knows what he has come up with to make his choices seem acceptable to others.

The fact that you are moving on, becoming an independent person, starts to chip away at his story. Hence the manipulative behaviour, designed to hurt you, then hurt you some more. Time's up for that. Take control of your own story and press 'delete' on his fantasy.

redundantandbitter · 12/12/2013 22:07

I hope this has changed your mind about meeting with him on Sunday?

Original poster
Whatnext074 · 12/12/2013 22:15

nevergrowingup - I think you're right, By removing myself from his fantasy life, he will show his true colours to others as he won't have me to be nasty to. I won't meet with him, thank you x

OP posts:
mammadiggingdeep · 12/12/2013 22:19

He does need to leave you alone. He defo wants a foot in each camp.

Honestly, no contact and solicitors is the only way forward. These people that act like he has done are egotists. He has put his needs and wants before yours for a long time now. He wouldn't see having a parcel sent to yours as a big deal. But it is. It's out of order and an absolute piss take to think you should send it on!!!!! Outrageous.

The anger you're feeling is good. It'll propel you forward.

mammadiggingdeep · 12/12/2013 22:22

You've had a bumpy week with him- contacting you on the day your nephew was born was bad timing and then the emails...thinking you were seeing him on Sunday. None of it any good for you. Let the parcel be the last little shitty thing of him...no contact and solicitors only. Either keep the post or put 'unknown' on it. X

Original poster
Whatnext074 · 12/12/2013 22:26

I was one step away from contacting OW and MIL tonight to tell them to tell him to leave me alone but I came on here instead. It's all so unfair. He says I'm not moving on but I'm the one moving things forward and he's digging in further - no more!

OP posts:
Nevergrowingup · 12/12/2013 22:27

From the beginning he had you on the back foot and may have, to a degree, had some satisfaction about your emotional state. All that neediness for him. What an ego boost. And this person was able to put down the phone on you, the person he had been married to for all these years.

As soon as you showed some strength, he came over all emotional and needy, dishevelled and sad yet somehow held this new relationship together. He's probably been manipulating the OW too, more fool her.

Focus on the good things in your life, your DS, your new nephew and all the people who care for you. The law will take care of him and he may not like it. This is your time, don't let him rob you of the good times. they are there in front of you. x

BlueSkySunnyDay · 12/12/2013 22:28

Do you think that's why he was really coming on the weekend - to pick up his parcel? What a shit he is.

Nevergrowingup · 12/12/2013 22:29

Good decision to come on here. Don't waste your energy on people who need you to prop up their new reality.

You are already one step ahead of them. Indeed, several steps ahead.

Result!

Zhx3 · 12/12/2013 22:36

You know What I wouldn't even "return to sender". He's a tosser, getting presents for OW sent to your address. I'd chuck it all in the recycling or bin, same as I do all junk mail that comes to my house.

I bet he'd start redirecting it soon.

So cross on your behalf. Selfish, insensitive fuckwit.

Original poster
Whatnext074 · 12/12/2013 22:39

It's the pits isn't it! The more I think about it, the more insensitive it is, how dare he! Unless he was testing me whether I'd open it as it was a famous person that he was likened to on our holiday in August. If that's the case, he's sick, like when he sent me a random weird text weeks ago after NC.

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myroomisatip · 12/12/2013 22:52

You son sounds ACE :)

Forget the parcel... bin it! It is his problem.

You are doing well.. okay there are times that are hard, and shit, but you have come so far. Please don't let this set you back.

I feel for you. I lived with an arse so it was no surprise really when I decided I had had enough, but for you, this has come out of the blue and it must be so hard to get your head around it.

The parcel never arrived, you know nothing about it!!!! Wine

mammadiggingdeep · 12/12/2013 22:53

You cannot second guess why he's done this. You just need up know it stinks. He stinks.

You did the right thing not contacting ow- I think you'd have regretted that. Cards close to your chest my darling!!
X

BlueSkySunnyDay · 12/12/2013 22:59

Right this needs to become your mantra "I don't care about his life, I care about mine and my DS"

Say it when he pushes your buttons, say it TO him if you need. He seems to have lost all sense of right and wrong - im upset that he did this and ive never met either of you...what a self centred f*ck

Are you sure this was for OW - was it personalised? It probably would have been better to return to sender than to bin but I appreciate you were really upset.

Just a suggestion but personally I would let him know in no uncertain terms (by text/email not verbally) that you will not be forwarding any more mail - he will need to ensure that all post is sent to his new address or you will return to sender. He will whinge but then go NC and repeat "I don't care about his life, I care about mine and my DS"

I initally typed "you will be unable to forward any mail" then I thought fck it you dont want* to...so why sugar coat it Smile

It will get better, I cant tell you when - my situation was different I never saw or had contact with him again. I occasionally hear about his catastrophe of a life from friends....phew lucky escape for me there....not so great for the lovely girl he was two timing me with he f*cked up her life big time (i'd like to say I took no pleasure in that but actually you reap what you sew - she knew what she was getting there didnt she!)

Original poster
Whatnext074 · 12/12/2013 23:00

My DS is amazing, I had white spirit in hand and he refused to give OW's gift to me, he said police would wonder why there's a fire in the garden at 8pm.

He went out with friends and made me promise not to contact anyone I shouldn't and I promised. I text my DS later and apologised and said I'm okay and he said no need to apologise as he wanted to set fire to it too but it would do no good.

Cards close to your chest my darling - another good thing I need to remember xx

OP posts:
Original poster
Whatnext074 · 12/12/2013 23:24

"I don't care about his life, I care about mine and my DS"
I will try and remember this.

The gift wasn't personalised but he only knows his OW and parents so I know it was for her.

On the back of the last mail I sent him 2 days ago, I wrote, no more stamps. If he puts money in my account for stamps again, I will send it back and tell him to redirect his mail. No more now. I am not his secretary. I am his wife - for now.

Do you know, I had that lovely post on my thread at lunch time and it really made my day how someone thought I was an inspiration. Now, I have let myself down again and he's done that to me - again! Sad isn't it?!

OP posts:
BlueSkySunnyDay · 12/12/2013 23:44

You are still doing brilliantly - read the last paragraph of my last post, he isnt doing this because of who you are, he is doing it because of who he is.

OW is walking right into this, if you had just started to see someone and they behaved in this way would you want them? I know when I was single if I started talking to a guy and they started bad mouthing an ex I knew he had issues and didnt bother.

Apart from which shit present very narcissistic.

I know you will have the "what has she got that I havent moments" and the truth is - its not about either of you, its about him running away from his problems and brushing them under the carpet. He will do this again, to her or to someone else, I would put money on it.

Original poster
Whatnext074 · 12/12/2013 23:53

Apart from which shit present very narcissistic - yes!!!

bluesky - you talk sense and help me so much, you all do x

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