Whatnext074 - thread continued

[Whatnext074]

I would firstly like to thank everyone who has offered me support, even those who did so silently on my last thread 1880152-Oh-God-Just-looked-up-H-OW-on-FB-feel-sick

I don't know how to convert the link - I have ticked the box but not sure it's worked.

Thank you for all the pms since too asking how I am.

My previous thread is long so some background: Was with my H for 11 years, we were very close and although we had traumas out of our control, I never doubted that we wouldn't be together forever.

In the space of 9 months, we lost 4 babies in the family, 2 of them our own. We remained close and supported each other.

My H suddenly changed, he turned from a loving, caring man into a stranger who was verbally abusive and aggressive and scared me. He continually denied having an affair when I asked and blamed me for the way he was. I thought he was having a breakdown (I still do).

I found evidence that he was having an affair with a colleague and I told him to leave, he's still with OW. I am so heartbroken and at times, I didn't actually think I would make it to the next day. One particular night a few weeks ago, I believe MNers did save me, just to know there were people there who cared and offer advice.

I have a DS (my H is his SF) who has been so worried about me and I am trying so hard to get myself better.

I have had so many pms from MNers who have asked me to start another thread so I am. I am so utterly grateful for all the support I have been given. I am not completely out of the darkness yet but I hope I don't get as bad as I have been recently.

Oh ffs...yes a bow...
Blue: it's not really phone typos- I just like to keep you all guessing!

Ohhhh..I see WhatNext I read it as, he was just coming round to do a bit of gardening. Sorry about that! I see your point now. Yes, let him come and clear his rubbish.

Irrelevant what the OW thinks, tho. You won't know what she thinks and you aren't in competition with her. The fact she even exists in your H's life shows exactly how much respect he had for your 11 years of history.

Good luck with the face-to-talk, I've a feeling it won't be all on his terms. You're stronger and wiser by the day. Good for you.

Thank you but I don't think I want to see him after yesterday. I haven't replied.

He had some post here, he had previously given me money for stamps and envelopes as he wanted it in another envelope. I just put it in post box today saying not known at this address and put his address on and didn't bother putting it in another envelope.

He's spun her a yarn and he's desperately trying to make reality fit.

the yarn will be along the lines that his marriage ended ages ago, he's rich (well, that's true... except a huge chunk of his riches are caught up in the marital property....... funny how he's keen to twist himself up like a pretzel to GET THAT PROPERTY SOLD. So he can have the money). I could go on with the yarn - there is no depths to which these turds won't sink when they want what they want to dazzle their bit of stuff.

He agreed to clear the garden (to make it nice for me)!

BULLSHIT. He wants the house sold.

He wanted the letters in an anonymous envelope because he's told the OW some yarn - along the lines that he moved out ages ago; but clearly redirected mail will prove that he did no such thing, that the split is very, very recent. So he wanted you to cover for him.

What a snivelling piece of shit. Sorry What

I don't blame you for not wanting to see him. Actually better to be out when he comes round. That will get him thinking. Just so he knows, because HE wants a face-to-face talk now, you're not actually honour bound to fall in with his timeframe. Honestly..the number of such men (including my ex) who catastrophically wreck their relationships on a 'grass is greener' whim, then want to show their faces again...? A man this confused is no use to anyone.

I'm here thinking..I bet most women on this thread, when their relationship ended they didn't already have, or arrange to have, some other man's arms to fall into did they? As if it was a necessity.

Its the injustice that's done, that gets to me..the person who's bailed out on you swans back with demands as if you should have been poised in limbo in their absence. Any signs of accepting the situation they inflicted on you and moving on,then the games start. You've already been relegated from wife/lifepartner right down to 'The Fallback Girl' (ie if things go wrong out there I know she'll take me back). & they can't stand it when they realise you might not actually be waiting for their return anymore. I recall my exH wrote me a really longwinded email reminding me of all the good times we'd had, all the years we had together, and was actually amazed then indignant, that I'd decided I wouldn't give us another chance! This, after he'd left me. I don't understand him, nor do I want to at all.

Anyway I'm veering dangerously into rant mode! Goodnight WhatNext, better days to come, and you'll be ready for them

Yes, he wanted it on market next month hoping it would sell by March. He's already told me her tenancy is up in spring and they need to talk about moving in together. House won't be on market then and will take a while to be sold.

One week before he went crazy he was looking at houses for us - but I can't think of that now. If she has to move out then their life is in limbo but no doubt he'll work a way round that. If he moves in with her in the next 6 months, legally it makes a difference to our settlement.

God - he's so calculated. That's probably why he wants to keep me sweet and 'on side' so I can help them in their future. Hope she dumps him. He has no bum.

MistressDeeCee - you have such strength!

I am scared that even at this stage, if my H begged, offer to leave his job, apologise to my family etc, would I take him back? I'll never be in that position but I would like to get to the day when I can say with authority that I wouldn't.

I never liked his teeny bum and gorgeous as he was, he never brushed his tongue.

WhatNext I'm no stronger than you, or anybody else. I'd already taken him back previously even after I suspected him of cheating. So I definetely wasn't strong! But I had this dream, you see...we were married, couldn't let it go down the drain, I'd feel and look like a failure, I'll never ever meet anyone else OMG I'll be alone for life,blah blah blah..I had 100 reasons not to let him go.

I learned a harsh lesson. A leopard never changes its spots. & can hide utter coldheartedness from you for many years. When they switch and show their real face, you don't know whats hit you. Its once I'd opened my eyes to this and accepted it - & it took me a very long time - that I decided 'no more',the OW can have you. Bye Bye. It was more a self-preservation thing I think, for me. I had to fight the feelings I had for him, put them away. Or he'd have ruined my life. It was hard, tho. I thought I couldn't live without him. Yet, now? I wouldnt have him back if you paid me. I have such a lovely OH now..4 years & counting. One of life's pleasant surprises. I'd never have met him if I'd taken exH back.

Tell you what, tho..exH is sooo goodlooking. & has a lovely pert bum. But his teeth are terrible! Like bloody wonky tombstones.

Just my opinion but I would suggest not seeing him . It can all be said in an email, surely.

Let him do garden , but when it suits you.

Don't be in any hurry to get house ready for sake just coz him and OW have plans. That's not your problem. You go at your own speed, please don't be pressured.

Hope your day isn't too bad. Where's the Xmas mug these days????

MistressDeeCee - thanks for sharing your story. You have learnt a harsh lesson but it's clear from your support for me that it has made you a very strong, wise, caring person, not that you weren't before. I am so glad you have a lovely OH and that gives me hope too as I feel the same as you did - be on my own forever etc....not that I need a man but it's almost like I need to know that someone can show me affection again.

R&B - he's away on business and back late tomorrow so I won't hear from him. And the sod hasn't emailed to get my auto email reply - but my family have and they are confused when they send me photos of little nephew and they get a reply saying, "contact my solicitor"....

I originally thought Sunday would be a good day as then after I have lots of time spending with my family to help me deal with any feelings. Now, I'm not sure I want to see him.

I suggested it in the first place, he agreed and then as usual he tried to change it and now he has 'changed his plans'. Part of me thinks if we can resolve anything before mediation, it will keep costs down but I don't know now.

I have time to decide though.

I have been thinking about this, is there a reason why he cannot get his mail sent to his new address - he is obviously very worried about how much of a settlement he is going to have to give you im just wondering if the whole "living in a bedsit" thing is a bit of a smokescreen. Obviously I dont want to upset you but could he already be living with her and just be using the bedsit as a mailing address?

Obviously resolving things between you would be better all round, but it doesnt sound like he is going to be fair to you...I dont understand how someone can be like this.

Bluesky, I agree with you. Especially when he wanted to take the PS3 with him to watch DVDs but then told me he didn't have a TV in his room and then refused to take our spare TV saying he didn't need it, he has since been looking at buying a PS3, I saw the searches. When he was suicidal, I asked him where his landlady was and he said he doesn't see her much.

I fully expect him to be living with her but he knows that if he changes any of his mailing addresses and admits to living with OW then it affects the settlement.

I still have no idea why he hasn't re-directed his mail, it's the first thing you do and he can still have this as his legal address.

He's a lying, cheating a.hole and is only interested in self-preservation. He is not the type to have a distance relationship as he's full on.

Let her wash his poo pants!

Well done on putting the letters back in the postbox 'not known at this address'.

It's not hard to redirect your own mail. He's a grown man. Keep posting them back to sender :)

I think he won't redirect as in some sick, messed up way, he still wants some kind of contact.

Personally I would flatly refuse to redirect - he sorts it out, mans up and redirects (I know ive said it before but you are not his secretary)

He only shows any empathy for you when he thinks hes going to lose money - ive not been in this situation (financially tied to someone) but I can imagine how wearing it must be - it must be tempting to go "oh sod it lets get it over with" but you do need to make sure you will be OK long term.

Isnt it strange how different people attitudes to money are - I know a wealthy man who when his relationships break up, even though hes never had children, always ensures the women are OK..he's crap at relationships so its cost him a lot over the years

Initially, I didn't mind too much sending his mail on as it also meant I could see what was coming in. Now, I don't care. I scribbled on the back that I have no stamps left. No doubt he'll put another £10 in my account for stamps but if he does I'll return it to him and tell him to redirect his mail for definite now.

I did tell him once when you gave that excellent bit of advice bluesky - I am not his secretary, I will tell him again for good now.

....and yes, he is so worried about protecting his money and knows I am getting excellent legal advice. I have also been told that MIL/FIL are so worried about what I can get money-wise. I will need to keep my emotions out of it as far as I can and move things forward.

Seems these wasters still want to keep a level of control, keep you in their sights.

Its catching up with him now. He had the time to plan this but he's not that bright... the cracks are appearing in his stories and the script. From what you say, you are worth a 100 of him so take your time to decide what's right for you. He's made his choice. Now you can make yours. At your own pace.

He thought he could start his shiny new life without looking back. He was wrong. As you feel stronger, start to think what you want out of all of this. If it doesn't suit him, too bad. Just be yourself and he will soon realise he has underestimated you. And then it will be too late for him.

Thank you nevergrowingup - that's exactly what I intend to do. He has helped make me stronger after his phone call and texts. I don't care about his life, I care about mine and my DS.

I have been understanding and considerate, I realise now it only serves to ease his conscience. He has and is treating me despicably but only because I still let him - enough now.

He said before he left, where did the strong, independent woman go? She's back again

I suspect that the strong, independent woman never left the building.

Perhaps he was so focussed on his mid-life crisis that he felt the need to blame you for not being the person he expected you to be. Projection or what?!!

Sadly, people who behave in that way are very much caught up in their own version of the truth. Your feelings and the reality of what he has done will not even be in his mind. He's his ego is pleased with the fact he has attracted a new woman and like so many people in his position, has to stick every plaster on to the new lovelife so it doesn't fall apart. And that is at any cost. He won't find that out until if falls apart, but you will be well on your way by that time.

I will, I know that now!

Been through so much and I keep getting up and adapting. Today, for the first time, I feel excited about my future once this is sorted out. It will be a long road but I will get there. Today I feel strong and your support as always helps me so much x

I like the plaster analogy.

That's great that you have reached this stage and have started to make decisions that suit you, not him.

It will still be difficult to steer this path, remember that it takes much longer for your heart to catch up with your head. Don't beat yourself up about it.

His cruelty at the beginning was pretty extreme so don't feel guilty when you put roadblocks in front of him. You may find that he is still nasty to you whether you are helpful or unhelpful. Always keep that in mind. He may want you to feel you are wrong, whatever you choose to do. Take on a new motto of selfishness, in a good way. I would guess that your DS would second that.

So he liked you because you were strong and independant but didnt support you when you needed him to - it doesnt bode well for any future relationship he has does it? None of us are "up" all the time, we all have periods where we are not so strong...good luck to his OW she better hope she never hits a bump in lifes road.

I have a strong suspicion that the "happy ever after" is heading your way and not his.

I agree with never - I would fully expect him to be nasty again, the "nice" is with an ulterior motive...although I will put my hands up and say I have always been in the "if I expect the worst I may get a nice surprise if it doesnt happen" camp

I have a strong suspicion that the "happy ever after" is heading your way and not his

Love that x