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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Whatnext074 - thread continued

999 replies

Whatnext074 · 05/11/2013 19:57

I would firstly like to thank everyone who has offered me support, even those who did so silently on my last thread 1880152-Oh-God-Just-looked-up-H-OW-on-FB-feel-sick

I don't know how to convert the link - I have ticked the box but not sure it's worked.

Thank you for all the pms since too asking how I am.

My previous thread is long so some background: Was with my H for 11 years, we were very close and although we had traumas out of our control, I never doubted that we wouldn't be together forever.

In the space of 9 months, we lost 4 babies in the family, 2 of them our own. We remained close and supported each other.

My H suddenly changed, he turned from a loving, caring man into a stranger who was verbally abusive and aggressive and scared me. He continually denied having an affair when I asked and blamed me for the way he was. I thought he was having a breakdown (I still do).

I found evidence that he was having an affair with a colleague and I told him to leave, he's still with OW. I am so heartbroken and at times, I didn't actually think I would make it to the next day. One particular night a few weeks ago, I believe MNers did save me, just to know there were people there who cared and offer advice.

I have a DS (my H is his SF) who has been so worried about me and I am trying so hard to get myself better.

I have had so many pms from MNers who have asked me to start another thread so I am. I am so utterly grateful for all the support I have been given. I am not completely out of the darkness yet but I hope I don't get as bad as I have been recently.

OP posts:
mammadiggingdeep · 10/12/2013 19:30

Congratulations on your beautiful nephew what :) lovely news.

Cannot believe he actually said that affairs are common...not on your world they're bloody not. I hope he experiences what you have one day, I really do.

Your son is amazing and older than his years! As soon as I read that your h was being cold on phone I thought I bet ow was there...then later in the thread you said your ds had said that.... Spot on.

I love the automated email- excellent. How strong you are these days!!!!!! You rock whatnext, you rock!!!

Flowers and Wine to wet the baby's head xx

Original poster
Whatnext074 · 10/12/2013 19:33

He wants to talk face to face and clear the garden on Sunday.

I don't believe for one second that he's rearranged his flight on Sunday. He travels a lot with work but never flies out on the weekend. He's playing me. He clearly doesn't want me but I don't get the immediate change and endless apologies and begging. I bet if he did come here on Sunday, he would cry!

My DS thinks I should see H on Sunday as otherwise it may be prolonging things until new year but I don't think I want to see him. I am seeing my nephew on Saturday and I don't want that spoilt as well as most of you know what a special time that will be.

Maybe H wants to clear his conscience before he goes away with OW. R&B, he can afford a lot, he earns a lot. We always went away at C/mas and when I said he's living out our life with OW he shouted, "it's not our life anymore".

OP posts:
Original poster
Whatnext074 · 10/12/2013 19:34

Thanks mamma, just a bit annoyed that H has text me and not emailed me to get my auto reply - but he will.....xx

OP posts:
mammadiggingdeep · 10/12/2013 19:35

Btw- two points:

Firstly, if the ow was there whole he was talking to you like that, she should be doubly ashamed of herself. What woman would like their boyfriend to speak to any woman like that, let alone their wife!

Secondly- do not, repeat do not speak to him again on the phone. As was said, what can he say that he can't say to the sol? He is trying to get control again. Just remember how u felt when u heard 'blah blah'....f-ing rudeness!!!!!

Detach, detach, detach. Please...

Xxxx

mammadiggingdeep · 10/12/2013 19:35

Text and tell him to email you....
X

mammadiggingdeep · 10/12/2013 19:37

Let him clear the garden for you but don't get into any talking- I don't think it's good for you. You'll be so down and yes, your weekend should be all about the joy this baby has brought your family xx

cjel · 10/12/2013 19:50

Let him come and do garden. You don't need to be there much do you? Pop out as soon as he gets there and ds will be around when he arrives won't he. He doesn't need to be in the house to do the garden anyway does he?x

Original poster
Whatnext074 · 10/12/2013 19:51

She's clearly not a nice woman anyway if she can do this and yes, I believe she was there. He never phones me and then did all of a sudden and was an a.hole. It must be pissing her off that he has a wife now.

OP posts:
mammadiggingdeep · 10/12/2013 20:02

Yes- what type of a woman can she be anyway?? Certainly not my cup of tea. Life's too short to be involved in bringing upset to others.

You don't know or understand any if his motives anymore- that's why no contact is the only option really. It means you can't be drawn into his little games
X

BlueSkySunnyDay · 10/12/2013 22:23

I would take the whole "changed his weekend plans" with a pinch of salt - he probably didnt have as much planned as he made out.

Personally I'd let him do the garden but either have some friends over to drink wine and have fun with while he did it or sit by the window on the phone to someone who makes me laugh..but then im a fiesty wind up merchant!

I wouldnt want a man who could treat his ex like this I always watched to see how they were with animals, children, waiters/waitresses, family - one black mark and they were gone Grin

MistressDeeCee · 10/12/2013 22:48

Ive read a few posts and trying to understand present situation (thats what tiredness does!). Is H saying, he wants to talk face to face and also do the garden?

Is he needed, to do the garden? Im just thinking in similar situation with gaslighting exH who wanted to worm his way back in again - I didnt let him do anything for me. The relationship was over when he took on another woman. & I knew full well had he been able to get back with me somehow then all he'd have done is pingpong between the 2 of us, no matter what line he spun me. I wasnt going to allow that. & I wouldnt be able to trust him ever again even if we had got back together. For me, it was the thought that he would dump me for another woman and then still, go behind her back and try to get back on good terms with me. He was as bad as her, in my eyes.

Or, maybe Im reading situation wrong here. But if Im not..I cant quite understand why H is needed to do the garden when somebody else can do it, even if you have to wait for a bit to get it sorted out. I wouldnt let my ex H take my bins out but thats just me. I wouldnt want to be a near a man cheating man who could treat me in a cold, calculated way and then feel he could dictate terms as to when we speak and how close we are to be. Theyve always got a line to spin, anyway. Im not especially cynical btw, just that I have a strong 'crap' detector, I suppose.

WhatNext you can do well enough without him around in any form or fashion. End of the phone is fine, he can say there whatever he needs to say to you, because when he ran off with OW he didnt make you a part of that decision..it didnt suit him to.

redundantandbitter · 10/12/2013 23:18

For what it's worth I agree with mistress but more from the point of view that you get really stressed and anxious and all churned up when you have let him
In the house on past two occasions. Either a) don't let him back under any circumstance or b) go out and let someone else 'supervise' the garden clearing.

Is the garden that bad? Could you and DS draft in a mate or two and do it between you , in exchange for mince pies and mulled wine? A Christmas garden tidy? --appreciate I am
On a hiding to nothing--

Original poster
Whatnext074 · 10/12/2013 23:20

bluesky - I doubt he was travelling away for work this weekend, he would never change a flight to sort this.

mistressdeecee - yes, he wants to talk face to face to resolve a few things amicably before mediation, my suggestion weeks ago! He did a lot of DIY when he was here, never finished the jobs and put all the rubbish in the garden. He agreed to clear the garden (to make it nice for me)! He agreed to tidy up the jobs he left so we can put house on the market. I don't want to be here, he's known that for years but now I'm playing that down until I'm ready.

I think he wants to do these things to clear his conscience - make out he's not a bad person and also reduce the amount of money he has to give me in a settlement if by leaving them it reduces the cost of the sale.

I asked for him to pay for contractors to come in but he won't as he says he won't pay for that and can do it himself.

I must admit, before last night, I was thinking that it would annoy OW that he was here so much to do the work, after all, how can she trust him when we have 11 years history. Right now I don't care though. He's horrible.

I don't want him to do anything for me but he has left the house in a mess in places. I don't want to leave him in house on his own as I don't trust him and that was in my solicitor's letter after he said he'd throw things out. So, I can't back down now.

OP posts:
Original poster
Whatnext074 · 10/12/2013 23:21

R&B - I agree but I want him to pay and have the inconvenience.

OP posts:
mammadiggingdeep · 10/12/2013 23:29

Whatnext...
You can't let yourself think about what effect him doing work/ having contact with you has on ow. I know it's totally, totally understandable and normal to do so but you have to think about yourself. How will him bring there affect you. It's not about her. It might irritate the hell out of her and they may row about it but if it also caused you grief- forget it. Just do what makes you calm, content and at peace. At the mo that's more likely to be your state of mind if he's nowhere near you. You doubd so much stronger and focused in the weeks where there's no contact.

Original poster
Whatnext074 · 10/12/2013 23:33

mamma, you're right and last night opened my eyes again. I was so mad that he did that to me yesterday of all days but when I talked things through with my DS, I realised that he did similar on my niece's birthday and her anniversary of her passing. He can't help it.

My DS says that as well, it doesn't matter how things will affect them, it's about me. I need to remember that.

OP posts:
mammadiggingdeep · 10/12/2013 23:36

Yes. Best piece if advice I was given that. When I used to fit and say 'wonder what's he's doing today' my duster taught me to say 'fuck him. What am I doing today...' And make myself get up and out and tackle the day. It's not about him/them anymore. It's all about you whatnext.
X

mammadiggingdeep · 10/12/2013 23:36
  • sit and say...
mammadiggingdeep · 10/12/2013 23:37
  • my sister!!!!!! Not duster!!!!!!!! Lol....funniest typo yet!!!!!!! Hahahaha! My sister is actually a cleaning freak so that's hilarious on lots of levels Grin
mammadiggingdeep · 10/12/2013 23:38

Think it's time for my bed :)

Night whatnext. Keep plodding on- dont let him pull you back down. You're on the up. X

redundantandbitter · 10/12/2013 23:39

Ah, mamma I kinda liked 'duster'

what my helpful mantra is "actions speak
Louder than words". Repeat

Original poster
Whatnext074 · 10/12/2013 23:45

LOVE your typos! I had visions of me getting the hoover out every time I thought of H!

OP posts:
mammadiggingdeep · 10/12/2013 23:45

I thank you r and b

Night all x

Original poster
Whatnext074 · 10/12/2013 23:54

*bow - I'm guessing.....

OP posts:
BlueSkySunnyDay · 10/12/2013 23:59

Love the typos Grin

With people posting from phones I do find myself scratching my head on mumsnet sometimes trying to guess what they meant to say!!