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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Whatnext074 - thread continued

999 replies

Whatnext074 · 05/11/2013 19:57

I would firstly like to thank everyone who has offered me support, even those who did so silently on my last thread 1880152-Oh-God-Just-looked-up-H-OW-on-FB-feel-sick

I don't know how to convert the link - I have ticked the box but not sure it's worked.

Thank you for all the pms since too asking how I am.

My previous thread is long so some background: Was with my H for 11 years, we were very close and although we had traumas out of our control, I never doubted that we wouldn't be together forever.

In the space of 9 months, we lost 4 babies in the family, 2 of them our own. We remained close and supported each other.

My H suddenly changed, he turned from a loving, caring man into a stranger who was verbally abusive and aggressive and scared me. He continually denied having an affair when I asked and blamed me for the way he was. I thought he was having a breakdown (I still do).

I found evidence that he was having an affair with a colleague and I told him to leave, he's still with OW. I am so heartbroken and at times, I didn't actually think I would make it to the next day. One particular night a few weeks ago, I believe MNers did save me, just to know there were people there who cared and offer advice.

I have a DS (my H is his SF) who has been so worried about me and I am trying so hard to get myself better.

I have had so many pms from MNers who have asked me to start another thread so I am. I am so utterly grateful for all the support I have been given. I am not completely out of the darkness yet but I hope I don't get as bad as I have been recently.

OP posts:
cjel · 10/12/2013 09:05

Morning WHAT. hope you got some sleep. How are you this morning?x

Original poster
Whatnext074 · 10/12/2013 12:10

springythatlldo - I like your post. I have been so careful to 'do the right thing' and last night got me so angry with once again showing a complete lack of respect. I DON'T DESERVE IT!!

Today I have had 2 further texts from him saying he's really sorry and can we talk. He's rearranged his 'business trip' and changed flights so we can talk on Sunday. I've been with him 11 years, he never travelled on a weekend! Thinks I'm stupid.

I haven't replied but I am curious as to why he so desperately wants to talk to me and has changed his tone and has apologised loads since last night.

Then again, what kind of man says, "blah, blah, blah" when his wife is talking? Idiot! Plus, his justification for his affair that so many men do it and it's not a big issue?? A.hole.

Don't know what to do now, I am curious.

OP posts:
cjel · 10/12/2013 12:18

wait to hear from your solicitor about what he wants to say. You can bet whatever it is it involves you giving in over settlement and him not having all the money he wants. They never like it if you get strong and don't just concede to everything they want.

Don't give him any satisfaction of your time. You told him you weren't going to engage any more, I know how frustrating it is and how tempting to want to still have them in your life but the only way to have peace is to not get involved in the games.x

Motherinlawsdung · 10/12/2013 12:32

Is there really anything meaningful that he could say to you now, that he could not say to your solicitor? Maintain NC, he can tell your solicitor whatever it is.

Original poster
Whatnext074 · 10/12/2013 12:33

cjel - he won't contact my solicitor, and I was kind of bluffing as I haven't instructed her to act on my behalf until the beginning of February after mediation, but he doesn't know that. I just said that to get him off my back.

He may have been putting on a show in his awful way he spoke to me last night for OW as it was so strange that he called me in the first place as he hasn't at all for 3 months and the emails were going back and forth so she probably said "phone her". His tone even was different, he just sounded so different. Then a few minutes after I hang up, he calls me back but I don't answer. Then he texts me twice, then emails me, begging and very apologetic, then texts me twice this morning with the same. He hasn't been like that at all. Last thing I said was "she can have you".

I asked him last night if he was with her while on the phone and he said no but I called her a name and I'm sure I heard a gasp.

He said that he was done with crying as he was immune to me now but I bet if he did come on Sunday, he would cry again!

I'll have a think, right now I don't want to see him. I don't know if he is doing damage limitation or if he genuinely regrets how he treated me yesterday.

Selfishly, I want him to see me looking fabulous but then that's quite shallow of me.

OP posts:
cjel · 10/12/2013 12:39

I don't want to hurt you WHAT, but he really he won't be even considering whether or not he has hurt you. It really will all be about trying to backtrack about mediation because he has heard that the courts can go for full disclosure of assets and you may get more if he doesn't do it and you saying speak to solicitor has rattled him.

As soon as you respond he will relax as he thinks you are stupid enough to believe him and he will get his own way. sorry.

Original poster
Whatnext074 · 10/12/2013 12:41

You're not upsetting me lovely, I need advice x

OP posts:
MissScatterbrain · 10/12/2013 13:03

Google manipulative techniques and you will see he ticks the boxes for many of these.

Re mediation, be prepared for more of this manipulative shit.

Original poster
Whatnext074 · 10/12/2013 13:07

I'll do that tonight MissScatterbrain, thank you and yes, I think you're right!

OP posts:
springythatlldo · 10/12/2013 13:46

I think it's called 'hoovering'? ie hoovering you back in. He treats you like shit, openly abusive, dismissive, cruel. Then he hoovers you back in (re you saying 'I'm curious' - that's his intention, all the better to hoover you back in )

God, I hate him

cjel · 10/12/2013 13:47

I'm glad about that, I used to hate it when people said bad things about mine as I felt very protective towards him(still do!) and believe hes messed up rather than bad, but it does help to step back from trying to be everything to him, its really hard but we have to learn they don't want us to have that role any more.

captainmummy · 10/12/2013 13:52

went about things wrong but now he's doing no wrong as so many men cheat - this is the man who you thought (in the very original OP) was a very moral, upright man, who looked down on those who 'fell'? My father was exactly the same; judgemental, stiff and unbending, but then he had (guess what) an affair, He left his wife of 25 years, and 3 dc who were in various stages of school/.college - for a girl 3 years older than his eldest dd. (then 25) His justification now is that 'it happens' so why shouldn't it 'happen' to him?
I rememebr saying to you some time ago that at some stage you will hate him (cjel pulled me on it at the time Grin) and then it will turn to deadly indifference.

Def be prepared for more manipulation.

cjel · 10/12/2013 14:06

Oh dear - sorry Captain - was I in stroppy mode?Blush

captainmummy · 10/12/2013 15:08

Not at all cjel Grin - you just pointed out that it is not absolutely necessary to hate your dh when he does that to you! I took your point And think you are obviously a much nicer person than I!

BlueSkySunnyDay · 10/12/2013 15:12

Congratulations on the nephew

Commiserations on the twat

he's doing no wrong as so many men cheat Hmm men who are immoral assholes perhaps. What a prize she is getting!!!! I do think once they have done it once they are more likely to do it again as they have already gone through that moral dilemma and got over it.

NC - only way to go, its better for you and, as it obviously drives him crazy...so win/win!!

It is possible he is putting on one act in front of OW and another to you - telling that he wants to play nice as soon as you mention money. He treats you like sh*t when its about responsibility, morals and emotion but as soon as money rears its head, and he looks like he may be out of pocket, he finds the time and inclination to be helpful. I dont know him, so I may be misreading the situation, but thats how it looks from what you have said.

cjel · 10/12/2013 15:24

Ha Ha not better by any means just don't hate exGrinx

skyeskyeskye · 10/12/2013 17:00

what if you don't want to see him then don't. You don't have to unless you want to. Just do not agree to anything that he suggests, just say, OK, I will make a note and run it past my solicitor in due course. Don't get drawn into anything personal, keep it detached and purely about finances/assets etc.

It is funny how they simply cannot take responsibility for their own actions. My XH simply will not have it that he cheated on me. Thousands of texts to OW, secret emails, chats and meetings etc, do not constitute "cheating" in his opinion. He obviously doesn't read Mumsnet! Grin. thankfully, considering everything I have put on here!

Some people go a bit of insane and need to let out some molten rage now and again. - yes Springy this was me on Sunday evening, losing it after 12 months of NC other than essential text/email!

BlueSkySunnyDay · 10/12/2013 17:39

I know the dilemma on one hand you dont want the criticism of them as you want to believe that there was a reason why you loved them and it wasnt a waste of time or a complete lie.

Personally, initially, I needed the hate - it made me stronger and filled the place that otherwise was just full of hurt.

With the benefit of well over a decade away from it - I can see he was a product of his upbringing, his family life was hideously disjointed multiple marriages/divorces/abuse. I do feel sorry for him, I doubt he will ever be happy or faithful...I still dont understand how you can treat someone you once loved in that way though, he has done it at least once since that I know of and I cannot respect him for that.

mrscraig · 10/12/2013 17:56

Hi what xx
I think you're right about the ow being there when he phoned. Try to go nc if you can but, if not possible, put your poker face on and be as business like as you can.
It's not shallow to want to look good when he sees you. Perfectly normal to show him what he's missing. You are one in a million.
Lots of love. You sound even stronger today xx

Original poster
Whatnext074 · 10/12/2013 18:22

Thank you all so much. I feel stronger today from all your advice and probably helps that I have had so much begging and apologies from H. I have not responded.

Can't believe after last night and his horrible, horrible conversation that he has changed his flight so he can see me. He begged me again to see him on Sunday. I haven't replied. So then he said if not Sunday, please can we do 4th, 5th January? I haven't replied.

How dare he treat me like that again, I say again, I don't deserve it. He's booked a holiday for him and OW, he's told me to get over it and he's doing nothing wrong so why keep begging me? I'll never know. I don't hate him though.

You have all said such kind things, I really do appreciate it.

Think I'll write a book.....

OP posts:
Original poster
Whatnext074 · 10/12/2013 18:22

Thank you xx

OP posts:
MissScatterbrain · 10/12/2013 19:02

How dare he treat me like that again, I say again, I don't deserve it.

Agree Grin and remember to keep telling yourself this.

Well done for not replying to his pathetic whining texts.

Have a good evening Op.

Original poster
Whatnext074 · 10/12/2013 19:07

Miss Scatterbrain - I'm going to read about those techniques now, thanks.

OP posts:
mrscraig · 10/12/2013 19:18

You don't deserve it. You really don't. The sense of injustice is all consuming. I was a big believer in karma, not do much now!
It sounds a little like he's hedging his bets by manipulating you like this. Try to keep your distance. You're doing great xxx

redundantandbitter · 10/12/2013 19:18

Sorry, what exactly what is he begging for? The chance to speak to you on the phone and be incredibly cold and heartless AGAIN? Hmm can see why it's tempting. What
does he want, is it to set a date to clear the garden? Edit til the new year, it usually snows the first week the kids go back to school and he will be all warned up from
His jolly - THEN he can tidy the garden Grin

BTW how come he can afford a fancy holiday but not a TV?