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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Whatnext074 - thread continued

999 replies

Whatnext074 · 05/11/2013 19:57

I would firstly like to thank everyone who has offered me support, even those who did so silently on my last thread 1880152-Oh-God-Just-looked-up-H-OW-on-FB-feel-sick

I don't know how to convert the link - I have ticked the box but not sure it's worked.

Thank you for all the pms since too asking how I am.

My previous thread is long so some background: Was with my H for 11 years, we were very close and although we had traumas out of our control, I never doubted that we wouldn't be together forever.

In the space of 9 months, we lost 4 babies in the family, 2 of them our own. We remained close and supported each other.

My H suddenly changed, he turned from a loving, caring man into a stranger who was verbally abusive and aggressive and scared me. He continually denied having an affair when I asked and blamed me for the way he was. I thought he was having a breakdown (I still do).

I found evidence that he was having an affair with a colleague and I told him to leave, he's still with OW. I am so heartbroken and at times, I didn't actually think I would make it to the next day. One particular night a few weeks ago, I believe MNers did save me, just to know there were people there who cared and offer advice.

I have a DS (my H is his SF) who has been so worried about me and I am trying so hard to get myself better.

I have had so many pms from MNers who have asked me to start another thread so I am. I am so utterly grateful for all the support I have been given. I am not completely out of the darkness yet but I hope I don't get as bad as I have been recently.

OP posts:
cjel · 09/12/2013 21:31

He really is a PITA isn't he? Trouble is I have to say he is also predictable. Mine sent one email ' he couldn't afford mylife style' -I had my wages from our joint company and my parents paid my rent I ws struggling to manage my bills and 'they' ate out several times a week and were away every other weekend when she didn't have DCs!!! I know how it goes over and over and you want the 'old' H back and can't understand who they are now but it really will be better if you have NC. Also if he is now refusing mediation you can start legal ball rolling -that might shake him into action.Mine kept on with the I've moved on. but like you I have done everything (moved out, moved back and done up house, sold house, instructed solicitor for settlement etc etc. and covered all costs. I have just got settlement agreement signed 2 weeks ago after 18months of nagging.I haven't done divorce as I decided I've spent enough and if he wants one he can payXmas Smile

Get mad at him that hes spoiled your lovely day and use this feeling to make sure you stay NC and get on with being happy.

When do you get to meet new nephew?

Original poster
Whatnext074 · 09/12/2013 21:31

Now he's emailing me begging me, saying he can make the date now. NC!!

OP posts:
cjel · 09/12/2013 21:33

Breathe and Ignore, Ignore, ignore.Be strong. watch it all unfold as a spectator laugh as he becomes more and more predictable!! Wait for more anger as you ignore him and he doesn't have the control he wants over youxx

Original poster
Whatnext074 · 09/12/2013 21:34

cjel, he's not saying no to mediation. I suggested we meet to talk like adults before mediation (to keep costs down). He agreed a date and said he'd clear the garden as well that day. Then contacted me today to say he couldn't do that date as he had to fly out for work and now he's saying he doesn't and he can cancel it. Lies, lies, lies!

Today, for the first time, after hearing his tone and mocking, I hate him, for the first time!

OP posts:
Original poster
Whatnext074 · 09/12/2013 21:35

I meet him on Saturday by the way, can't wait to cuddle him and see my family, thanks for asking x

OP posts:
skyeskyeskye · 09/12/2013 21:38

Just reply, "date confirmed then" and leave it at that. No discussion about it. If you hear from him again saying he cant make it, then just reply to tell him to tell the mediation people direct.

Then NC again. no emailing. Any essential contact in as few words as possible.

XH told me last night that I give very short replies to his texts and it's not on. I said, what like your "OK" replies to my emails about DD?! Grin. Twat.

There really should be a place called Twunt Island where we can ship them all off to, to protect all women from these idiots.

cjel · 09/12/2013 21:38

If hes being difficult about getting together to sort it out you can instruct solicitor that you have given him reasonable time and that will count as him not wanting it.
Keep posting here instead of answering him. Off load here instead of to him !!

How big was the lovely baby?

skyeskyeskye · 09/12/2013 21:39

sorry, cross post there, thought the date was for mediation. same reply applicable though, just "confirmed then" and leave it at that.

redundantandbitter · 09/12/2013 21:39

Bloody hell what he founds a right kettle of fish. One minute he's crying and unkempt , the next he's cold when you phone him in a bad way and he couldn't be arsed to speak to you, then saying 'hey, people do this sort of thing all the time' and THEN begging to speak to you. FFS.

My EXP used to ponder why his EXW still confused in him, told him details of her Internet dating life and all sorts of other personal issues, at length . Apart from being used to him being an ear and a shoulder to lean on, I deduced its because he 'gives good emotion'. He reacts , he interacts and will listen for hours. Your EXH is used to your ways, he knows which buttons to press and he can switch between his sad/cold/indifferent personas more easily than you. That's because you are a whole honest person.

Really, what you MUST go NC. Some people aren't arsed - but I am pretty certain it will drive your EXH CRAZY! Please don't allow to piss you about , while he's packing his best underwear for a jolly. Grrr I am angry for you too. Please go hit some pillows

redundantandbitter · 09/12/2013 21:43

Buy him and OW 2 one way tix to TWUNT ISLAND, must be getting pretty full!

Sheesh, he's a dick (sorry)

Original poster
Whatnext074 · 09/12/2013 21:44

You are so right, it will drive him mad not knowing what's going to happen now but I actually don't care about that now. Let him have OW and his delusional justifications. I need to focus on my family and then on a settlement and divorce.

He is 8lbs 4oz, a big little one! x

OP posts:
cjel · 09/12/2013 21:46

wow he is a good size, does he have any other siblings( apart from one I know about?)

Original poster
Whatnext074 · 09/12/2013 21:50

Not yet x

OP posts:
redundantandbitter · 09/12/2013 22:27

He's not the man you knew, bottom line. Make a clear distance between you and let him get on with his shit.

Cracking size baby .

My youngest dd was 9lb 2 (but I was 9lb 12!!!) ouch.

itwillgetbettersoon · 09/12/2013 22:28

Congratulations What on the new addition to your family. Time to indulge yourself with your new nephew and move on from H. He has made his bed with the OW. You have such exciting times ahead with new nephew and your wonderful son. Time perhaps to start thinking about that trip away with your son in 2014. A new beginning with a new member of your lovely family. X

Original poster
Whatnext074 · 09/12/2013 22:50

Thank you x

He "went about things wrong but now he's doing no wrong as so many men cheat" - what an a.hole!

I said he has no morals or integrity left and he said, "yeah, yeah, move on". A.hole!

OP posts:
mineofuselessinformation · 09/12/2013 22:55

So save all of those ridiculous messages for your divorce, and then don't think of him. Hate is not a bad thing, (you can use the anger to help you to do things), but indifference is even better. When you get to that point, you know he can never hurt you again.

mineofuselessinformation · 09/12/2013 22:56

And by the way, do feel free to actually call him an arsehole... That's what he is after all! Grin

redundantandbitter · 09/12/2013 23:02

Oh and next time he's sobbing you can say " yeah yeah move on".

Original poster
Whatnext074 · 09/12/2013 23:08

I need indifference, can't believe he let his 'hurt' guard fall.

R&B, he said he won't cry anymore as he's immune to me. Well his OW is a great influence on him and he is an arsehole.

OP posts:
cjel · 09/12/2013 23:13

Hes 'immune' what on earth ? are you a disease!! he really is what Mine saidGrinx

Original poster
Whatnext074 · 09/12/2013 23:16

What a catch! I was with him for the best years of his life and now suddenly he's nasty, once he can't do that to me, he'll do it to someone else after a while. How horrible!

OP posts:
redundantandbitter · 09/12/2013 23:33

You can be certain of that .

Original poster
Whatnext074 · 10/12/2013 01:08

I've just spoken to my DS and told him what happened - the horrible, nasty phone call mocking me and then my H trying to call me back after and then texting me and emailing me, begging me to txt/email him back and suddenly being really nice again.

My DS said, "Mum, I'm telling you now, he was with OW when he was speaking to you and had to speak to you in that manner". He then said that he would place money on him not showing OW the immediate texts /emails to me with the complete different tone.

Do you know what though? I don't care right now, I don't want to play games. Today was so important to me and my family and he made me cry (after phone call, not to him).

I've put an automated message on my email saying to contact my solicitor.

OP posts:
springythatlldo · 10/12/2013 09:02

Talk to him if you want to, scream at him if you want to, go NC if you want to. Or all of them. Do what you like, basically. It's up to you.

Some people can do the NC thing ok without going insane, even though it's not easy of course! Some people go a bit of insane and need to let out some molten rage now and again. I think the gauge is what serves you , what works best for you to get through this.

So he's had an affair now, is it; he's cheated. Well tha'ts one up from he is in a 'relationship'. Anyway, whatever. He's full of shit to the very brim.

Feed him to the lions, I should. Hes more than asked for it, the cruel bastard. A bit of hate is healthy imo - go for it. xx