Whatnext074 - thread continued

[Whatnext074]

I would firstly like to thank everyone who has offered me support, even those who did so silently on my last thread 1880152-Oh-God-Just-looked-up-H-OW-on-FB-feel-sick

I don't know how to convert the link - I have ticked the box but not sure it's worked.

Thank you for all the pms since too asking how I am.

My previous thread is long so some background: Was with my H for 11 years, we were very close and although we had traumas out of our control, I never doubted that we wouldn't be together forever.

In the space of 9 months, we lost 4 babies in the family, 2 of them our own. We remained close and supported each other.

My H suddenly changed, he turned from a loving, caring man into a stranger who was verbally abusive and aggressive and scared me. He continually denied having an affair when I asked and blamed me for the way he was. I thought he was having a breakdown (I still do).

I found evidence that he was having an affair with a colleague and I told him to leave, he's still with OW. I am so heartbroken and at times, I didn't actually think I would make it to the next day. One particular night a few weeks ago, I believe MNers did save me, just to know there were people there who cared and offer advice.

I have a DS (my H is his SF) who has been so worried about me and I am trying so hard to get myself better.

I have had so many pms from MNers who have asked me to start another thread so I am. I am so utterly grateful for all the support I have been given. I am not completely out of the darkness yet but I hope I don't get as bad as I have been recently.

Jarlin she really is an angel, loves coming here and we spend hours doing art and cooking, she is very specialxxxx

mrscraig - jarlin - what lovely comments to read, they have really touched me.

I have been very fortunate here because all the posts and support I have had have been so helpful and unlike some other threads, my threads don't seem to get derailed. It is just full of good advice and caring people who spur me on and I am so grateful.

I was poorly this morning and through the night (migraine) and was feeling a little low again but your posts have lifted me again.

When I first posted about my H affair with a colleague, I had so many MNers saying it will get better. I couldn't see it, I just wanted to be in a better place but it does get better, slowly, we adapt.

I have a long road ahead of me with the house and divorce and it will be very testing but I know I need this to end now, it's like a heavy weight on me and I need to make my own plans.

Me and my DS have decided not to put a tree up this year. He's away for most of the festive season anyway. My DS said by adding a tree and decorations, it could go one of 2 ways for me, make me happy or bring me down. He said if by not putting it up, I stay as I am at the moment then that's the best option. I am trying to think of this time next year, who knows how things will be? They've got to be better though and I'm hanging onto that.

Jarlin - my one piece of advice would be to come off FB, or block or try and not look. I know it's hard when DD is linked to his profile etc but it helped me by coming off it and removed temptation for me and I catch up with people in the old fashioned text / phone call way now.

Thank you so much xx

Evening everyone - How has the weekend treated you all?x

Evening cjel...
Mines been lovely- caught up with an old friend yesterday. Decorating the tree today with my two little loves :)

How's you? How's everyone?

What...you ok? Did you manage to smash your jolly mug btw?? :)
Xx

Ps- yes what...just hang in to the fact that this time next year this will already seem an age away and you would've made giant moves forward...xx

glad to hear it Mamma. Mine has been good. been sorting out returns for the mountain of online shopping I get delivered and then return!!
Then put decorations up in hall where we are having toddlers party tomorrow so another good day here too.

this is my first post after following this thread whilst going through more or less the exact same experience as What. Our house is up for sale and this weekend when husband came round to complete some jobs I stupidly succumbed to his attention and we ended up not being able to keep our hands off each other for a while (although I refused to have sex with him). Whilst I thoroughly enjoyed the experience, before he left he asked me not to text his OW and tell her because she would 'kill him'. I was gutted! It didn't matter that I had wanted to kill HER and HIM when I found out he was having an affair with her!
I had recently begun to accept that we were over but now this has happened I feel in absolute turmoil again! I though it would be nice and satisfying to know that he still wanted me - but he clearly still wants to be with her.

Over the past couple of months I have enjoyed having some contact with him either by text or when he has come round for things but now I'm wondering whether it really would be best if I didn't have any contact at all with him. I feel like a child you know - even negative attention is better than none at all. I have read people on here saying have no contact but I really couldn't understand why. And I struggle to see how anyone can avoid it, especially with children (albeit 24 and 20) and a house on the market. I desperately want the contact though! How sad am I?
Sorry - don't mean to hijack this thread but you all seem to know what I am going through x

Oh love, I totally see where you're coming from. I have had times in my head whether if I was in that situation, would I give in to my H, after all, there's nothing wrong in it is there as you're still married and loved each other for years.

I'm not sure how I'd react if he gave me attention but I totally understand the 'child analogy' in wanting attention even if it is negative attention.

I only hope that this is a turning point for you. You have done nothing wrong. He has and is continuing to do so. How had he been before that day with you? Cold? Understanding? Polite? Nasty?

I hope you don't feel like the OW now, you are not, you are his wife.

A week after my H left, he came to collect some things, we talked, he cried and it was very emotional for both of us. I said I never got the chance to say goodbye and we hugged each other, I thought I was being the grown up but he was going back to the OW.

Really, your H has behaved so badly to you in taking advantage. Try never to let it happen again and maintain your dignity in not telling OW, she'll find out what a prize a.hole she's got soon enough.

Thank you What. We have been together since I met him on my 18th birthday - & married for 26 years. He began going to the gym - obsessively and met her there. She goes 8 times a week! and they have been flirting with and flattering each other for the last year or so - but stupidly I trusted him.
Part of me wants some physicality between us again :-( But I know I shouldn't because it will only lead to more heartache.
I actually feel sorry for H because he has lost so much and the other night I pointed out all the things in the future that he has lost eg our children's weddings, sharing our grandchildren, DDs graduation etc. He cried and said he feels bad about all that and I can't believe that he is putting her before any of that!! I'm sure it's a midlife crisis. He's 51 and she is 39. And to be honest I feel sorry for him and all he will lose. But at the end of the day he is making me sell the house and has even created a spreadsheet stating who should have what! I'm glad you are coping so well!

Before I left we slept together right till the end and I don't remember how it came about but I can remember laughing and saying ' Oh now cos we wouldn't want to cheat on her with your wife'

Its such a weird feeling isn't it?

What a turd he is to do all that goingthrough. To actually say to you 'don't tell OW or she'll kill me' - like you're his mate, on his side... well, it beggars belief. You're not his mother, you're his betrayed and abandoned wife ffs.

And then to present you with a spreadsheet. I'd like to punch his lights out, frankly

goingthroughit - going to the gym - yes, my H started that

My H produced a spreadsheet for me too, so kind!

I too feel sorry for my H even though he has and continues to hurt me. They think it all through regardless of what they say and they know what they are giving up but are blinkered by a new 'love'.

I really, really don't mind you getting advice on here but I do think if you started a thread, you would get lots of support - from me too. I can't say enough how much help I have had from people on here and I want you to get all the support you need too x

Don't mention spreadsheets . When my DDs father landed his first (of many) spreadsheets on me it was last New Year's Eve. I came home from work to find it after he'd taken dads to GPs. He announced he was moving out to new girlfriends (I was seeing someone else too) and he would spend some days with me and some with her. Week A and week B were different ..I never f'ing knew where I was . DDs constantly asking if dad was home for tea. I was constantly getting the sheet out of the drawer and asking 'what week am I in?' FFS

As the song goes 'I can laugh about it now but at the time it was serious'

I SAID don't mention spreadsheets

Today my beautiful nephew was born, everything looks well and they will be in hospital for a while for tests. I was so happy as were the rest of the family.

Then - my H emailed me and it's all gone terrible. He knew our nephew was due today, he knew how anxious we all were and he could have left it a day. The thing is that his emails are polite and probably reasonable but I am SO ANGRY that he has chosen today to contact me that I'm afraid my responses are very angry.

He agreed to clear the garden (it was in my solicitor letter), he left the mess from his DIY stuff. Today he tells me he can't do it until after C/mas. He's going away with OW.

I am SO MAD. He's left me in a difficult financial situation and he's planning holidays with her. We always went away at C/mas and it just seems he's living our life out with her. I cannot put into words how angry I am. first because he's doing this and then because he contacts me today of all days.

I'm a bloody mess and it should be a happy day. I know I should be NC but he has made me so angry!

Please don't respond what . I don't know if its possible, but could you pretend you haven't opened the email? Sit on it.

I bet you he hasn't even remembered about your nephew - congratulations by the way - he's in his own world now .

I'm sorry he's made you mad, I can imagine it must be hurtful to know he's going away for Xmas. But he's consistently thoughtless and selfish so did you really expect any different? Push push push him to the sides for today, just enjoy the family joy today. So please for you and your family . X

the best you can do WHAT is nothing. He had no reason to send this to you, especially his reason for not doing garden. It sounds like his crying mess is an act for you doesn't it?

Hang on to the loveliness of your nephew, the wonderful hope for the future that your family now has. Shout and scream and punch the pillows but don't give him any reason to think you are even thinking about him. He isn't doing garden till after christmas so there is no rush to confirm details. Think of your new family and the joy you felt earlier.

Congratulations Aunty WHAT

It's been continuous emails back and forth then he phoned me just now. I need to remember this call.

I will be NC!!

He was so cold on the phone, mocking me and everything I said. Said he's with OW and that's not the issue and I am the only one stopping us moving forward. I was the one who saw a solicitor, I was the one who arranged mediation and I was the one who suggested a meeting to arrange an amicable conversation to move things forward. We agreed a date and now he's changed that.

He kept saying blah, blah, blah.

I told him what he's offering me isn't enough, he went all blaise (sp) and said it's not my business with what he does, what he spends, where he goes with his OW. I pointed out that funny how there's no tears now and he said he's immune to me now. I am not in his life.

I told him to speak to my solicitor from now on and I hung up.

He has tried to call me back, he has text me a couple of times begging me to speak to him and saying he is going out of his mind and is so confused. He is a manipulator. He is nasty. I need to end this!

It's been such an emotional time for me with everything and I should be so happy about my nephew and only focussing on that but he's destroyed that too!

I AM SO ANGRY!

Oh and he even said that he's not unique, loads of men have affairs and it's not out of the ordinary with what he's doing and I need to get over it!

what - I lost my temper last night after one text too many from XH accusing me of not letting him see his DD, of not bringing her up properly - that - from the man who refuses to see her more than once a fortnight!

Anyway, I lost my temper and after a year of not speaking to him, I rang him and had it out with him. I reminded him that I begged him to see his DD and he didnt even reply to the email. I then told him exactly what I thought of him and OW, told him what he had done to me, how he destroyed me, how he cheated on me blah blah blah. He can't see those things because he doesn't want to.

NC is the best way to go. but I broke it myself and sometimes you just do what you have to do. But get back on the horse and don't react again.

and don't take any crap from him. He changes with the wind. You stand up to him, tell him you want more money etc and all of a sudden it is the poor little boy lost act again. He is playing you, so don't let him. Stick to what you said and only communicate through the solicitor and mediation.

and Congratulations on the new nephew too. i hope you have lots of lovely cuddles with him .

You are so right, little boy lost act once I mention money.

I have just emailed him through my solicitor's contact details, that's it now. Enough again

Thanks for letting me know I'm not the only one x

It happens what. We all know what we should do, but sometimes, you just have to get a load of shit off your mind to be able to move on a bit further. But just do it, say it, then back to NC again.

Thanks so much for making me feel better.

Have just played The Gossip, 'Move in the Right Direction' again.