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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Whatnext074 - thread continued

999 replies

Whatnext074 · 05/11/2013 19:57

I would firstly like to thank everyone who has offered me support, even those who did so silently on my last thread 1880152-Oh-God-Just-looked-up-H-OW-on-FB-feel-sick

I don't know how to convert the link - I have ticked the box but not sure it's worked.

Thank you for all the pms since too asking how I am.

My previous thread is long so some background: Was with my H for 11 years, we were very close and although we had traumas out of our control, I never doubted that we wouldn't be together forever.

In the space of 9 months, we lost 4 babies in the family, 2 of them our own. We remained close and supported each other.

My H suddenly changed, he turned from a loving, caring man into a stranger who was verbally abusive and aggressive and scared me. He continually denied having an affair when I asked and blamed me for the way he was. I thought he was having a breakdown (I still do).

I found evidence that he was having an affair with a colleague and I told him to leave, he's still with OW. I am so heartbroken and at times, I didn't actually think I would make it to the next day. One particular night a few weeks ago, I believe MNers did save me, just to know there were people there who cared and offer advice.

I have a DS (my H is his SF) who has been so worried about me and I am trying so hard to get myself better.

I have had so many pms from MNers who have asked me to start another thread so I am. I am so utterly grateful for all the support I have been given. I am not completely out of the darkness yet but I hope I don't get as bad as I have been recently.

OP posts:

redundantandbitter · 07/12/2013 23:19

Hi what how are you doing? Hope you are doing something lovely things for yourself this weekend? How's your DS? X

cjel · 07/12/2013 23:26

Hello What, I have been thinking about you today as well. Have had grandaughters for the weekend and one didn't even get dressed today because of this cold!! Hey Ho! Hope you are all keeping healthy at least

mammadiggingdeep · 07/12/2013 23:29

Cjel...you're a grandma? I didn't know that... :) lovely.

What- have been thinking if you also...hope you're ok and having an ok weekend xx

Original poster

Whatnext074 · 07/12/2013 23:31

Thank you both, is very sweet to be thinking of me.

I think I'm back on track. Was a very difficult week.

Spent the day with my Mum and Dad. My Dad never shows his emotions really but when I got home he had emailed my DBs and DSis to say how proud he was to walk around with me today. He said I was beautiful and witty and he can't believe the transformation in me. I was so touched and cried a little but just because it's so out of character for him and he kept saying today how proud he was of me. It's spurred me on a bit more.

Who would have thought a fringe could make such a difference??

OP posts:

cjel · 07/12/2013 23:31

Yes I have 5 from 13 years to 2 years!! They are lovely - most of them surprises but are all fantastic, I am very blessed

redundantandbitter · 07/12/2013 23:31

Ah, cjel has many hidden talents! How's the second cold hun? please don't breath on me

cjel · 07/12/2013 23:33

its thriving! and I stop breathing when I come on here.

Original poster

Whatnext074 · 07/12/2013 23:36

...and thank you too mamma x

OP posts:

redundantandbitter · 07/12/2013 23:36

It's not the fringe hun, it's YOU! Hey, if your dad can see it AND spend the time waxing lyrical in an email then you must be doing better than you think. That's a lot better response from your M&D than a few weeks ago. So pleased that they are supporting you and noticing your feelings. Of course you're beautiful and witty and smart and resilient and thoughtful. Now, what next whatnext? When are you going to change your name to "mynewfringeisfab"?

cjel · 07/12/2013 23:38

Hey WHAT Your dad sounds lovely, what a lovely thing To hear about yourself from someone who doesn't usually share. Can you believe him? - I hope you canxx

mammadiggingdeep · 07/12/2013 23:38

Fantastic!! They're lucky to have a grandma who still wears gold hot pants and regularly waves Pom Poms . Must be lovely to spend time with them...

What...that is so lovely :) Of course he's proud of you- you've been through a situation that could have broken you. You've been close to the edge but you e fought back each time and you're not just surviving but you're on your way to 'thriving'. The fringe is just the tip of the iceberg.

High five you. Bloody good in you for getting back on track yet again. Said it before, I'll say if again...you rock!!
Xx

redundantandbitter · 07/12/2013 23:43

Cut and paste these comments and your dads email. Blow them up and stick em on t'fridge. Every time you reach for the green & blacks milk you will reminded of how fabulous you are!

So, new fringe... Anything else?

Original poster

Whatnext074 · 07/12/2013 23:43

My DM asked if I'd 'had any work done' as I look so different. Perhaps that's why my H looked shocked when I opened the door to him last week. I suppose I don't see it myself as for me it's been a gradual transformation. Even people who I know who aren't aware of my situation say I look great.

Whoever told me to 'fake it til I make it' was so right.

OP posts:

cjel · 07/12/2013 23:44

I was talking to dgd this morning and I was saying about how it would be when I had to go into a home, she said you won't go in a home you will come and live with me! I said well if you get trained I could as you may have to wash me and everything and she said well, i want to be a doctor so I could. I said you better get trained quickly(shes 13) and she said well you stay young and I'll get old quick and it'll work out ok!!!
It was one of those tearful moments like WHAT had to think she offered that so seriously and spontaneously as we were making the christmas cake. I was only 40 when she was born so I hope I have a few years yet!!

Original poster

Whatnext074 · 07/12/2013 23:44

New clothes R&B - clichéd I know to change image but my friends who I hadn't seen for a little while last week gasped when I arrived and complimented me throughout the night.

OP posts:

cjel · 07/12/2013 23:46

YEY go WHAT< You must be gorgeous.

redundantandbitter · 07/12/2013 23:49

'Had any work done'? Lol! Well, considering the utter shite you have been through, and the very black Saturday a while back, the transformation must be amazing! You should stand back and allow yourself a big pat on the back. Bloody well done for looking great when EXH tipped up. Still can't believe he arrived looking all unkempt, but you know that's what he wanted you to see. You're doing great .

Really hope a new job comes your way soon you top it all
Off. I am looking to apply for something v soon. I went to see the company I want to work for, this week, and got to spend 3 hours observing . I hope you get the chance you deserve soon and can tell manager where to put her festive mug

redundantandbitter · 07/12/2013 23:53

Sometimes the 'real' you has just been under a blanket for so long that you can't find yourself. Sounds like you have found you and the clothes are a way of you saying 'ah yes, this gorgeous person is back'.

cjel what a lovely grandchild(ren) you have . You must be very proud. Bless their cotton socks

Original poster

Whatnext074 · 08/12/2013 00:04

Do you know, on the way home today I thought to myself that I should thank my H for making me a more beautiful person inside and out. He has made me realise not to focus on the small irritations, I'll still have a moan about it but in a more light-hearted way.

He has probably given me a push with his selfish behaviour. He used to say that I wore my 'weekend clothes' and he rarely saw me with make up on as my weekends were a break from make up. Not now though.

My Dad said though that's it's easy to make myself look nice but he can see how I am inside and how I am improving and he said you can't fake that.

I had a few moments when I found it a little difficult going round the shops seeing couples and all the C/mas stuff but I remembered my Pilates and concentrated on my breathing and knew that my parents weren't too far away and I smiled when I saw them each time.

OP posts:

redundantandbitter · 08/12/2013 00:09

Ok, hang on while I find my hot pants and Pom poms... Right... Doing a little routine of celebration for you yes, I'm really quite coordinated

Pilates sounds good for you too. Yep, finding Xmas hard. Trying to focus on buying me things instead. Hope you can buy yourself a little something x

cjel · 08/12/2013 00:10

I've bought two new outfits 'just in case'!!!

mammadiggingdeep · 08/12/2013 00:18

Oh cjel....she sounds gorgeous. That's a moment to treasure. Family is such a blessing- i thank my lucky stars every day for my dd's and my lovely family.

What- I think you're right. These awful times will be the making of you. You will grow from it. I'm sure he saw what everyone else seeing- that you look great. I'm also sure he was shocked and expecting you to be a mess!! Ha..he was wrong!!!

So glad you sound so much more positive
X

itwillgetbettersoon · 08/12/2013 08:39

Well done What. I've been thinking about you this week and it sounds like you are amazing - waves gold Pom poms again.

I'm useless at Christmas shopping I end up clothes shopping for myself!!! Christmas is hard but What you are blessed with a lovely family including your son so I think Christmas (which really is only one day) will be a lot better than you think. I found that my first Xmas was surprisingly relaxing - probably because I didn't have to feed the Inlaws :-)

mammadiggingdeep · 08/12/2013 09:22

Am laughing this morn at 'have you had work done?' Haha. Sadly that's not a comment I've ever been asked!! Sometimes at work people will say 'there's something different about mamma...' I reply 'yes, I blow dried my hair!! Lol'
Hope you have a good day today what x

mrscraig · 08/12/2013 09:46

Just caught up what.
I hope this doesn't sound patronising but... I'm so proud of you. You inspire me. From an outsiders point of view, you are becoming stronger and stronger. Little bit by little bit.
Your dad sounds lovely and obviously really proud of you and no wonder, you are remarkable. X

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