Whatnext074 - thread continued

[Whatnext074]

I would firstly like to thank everyone who has offered me support, even those who did so silently on my last thread 1880152-Oh-God-Just-looked-up-H-OW-on-FB-feel-sick

I don't know how to convert the link - I have ticked the box but not sure it's worked.

Thank you for all the pms since too asking how I am.

My previous thread is long so some background: Was with my H for 11 years, we were very close and although we had traumas out of our control, I never doubted that we wouldn't be together forever.

In the space of 9 months, we lost 4 babies in the family, 2 of them our own. We remained close and supported each other.

My H suddenly changed, he turned from a loving, caring man into a stranger who was verbally abusive and aggressive and scared me. He continually denied having an affair when I asked and blamed me for the way he was. I thought he was having a breakdown (I still do).

I found evidence that he was having an affair with a colleague and I told him to leave, he's still with OW. I am so heartbroken and at times, I didn't actually think I would make it to the next day. One particular night a few weeks ago, I believe MNers did save me, just to know there were people there who cared and offer advice.

I have a DS (my H is his SF) who has been so worried about me and I am trying so hard to get myself better.

I have had so many pms from MNers who have asked me to start another thread so I am. I am so utterly grateful for all the support I have been given. I am not completely out of the darkness yet but I hope I don't get as bad as I have been recently.

Morning What :)

How are you today? Just to let you know what you are experiencing and doing is just part of the process. I've done similar things this year and the whole up/down thing is just part of the healing/grieving process.

I am dreading the next few weeks - however I am determined that the kids and I will have a better christmas than last. I've been saving all year for pressies/food etc. We have christmas day just us as its what we want. We've planned our day and if it works out it will be fine.

Exh can spend it with his GF - just the two of them in their grotty rented house - I'll be with my kids - warm, cozy and having fun and laughter.

Chin up - remember the Mumsnet cheerleader squad are here behind you. I borrowed them yesterday when I had a solicitors appointment - they did a jolly good job ;)

Thinking of you this morning putting snowman mug on advent calender and spoiling the chocolate so they melt!! Remember MN friends when she makes you use it and what we would do to it Hope you aren't so tortured this morning?x

What. Also your manager sounds a bit mental. Small comfort but do remember that those who feel the need to control 'fun' and maintain the 'everyone does this' are not very happy units.....drop the mug. go on....

what I do understand the way of thinking of a worse case scenario so that you can face it/be prepared/process it....then the only way is up. But you are projecting. Do not project into the future, none of us know what tomorrow may bring....and anyway the future usually surprises us, a lot, and is often way different to what we anticipate.

You sound raw at the moment, and no wonder. But everyday you are working through all this, have accepted you won't have H back, and are progressing through the grief. Lean a little or a lot on those there for you in RL and on here. Everyone wants to support you in this.

Work/your boss isn't helping so change the situation any way you want...love the ideas already given! Take a bit of control back somehow.

Christmas is a toughie, but now the thought of it has loomed you can now prepare for it. Make concrete plans to make it as pleasant and enjoyable with people you care about as you can. Indulge yourself and that gorgeous son of yours and pamper yourself. Plan every day of it, down to time on your own with a film and chocs/wine and dates with friends. Have a houseful there for mincepies/nibbles one evening, make new memories.....

Your H's appearance is what he chooses you to see, but he's just looking stupid and is not a 'catch' for the OW in any way but rather an emotionally unstable, cold and cruel partner. In life it is not difficult to look clean and groomed. It's bizarre not to be imo.

I don't like the financial threats. When I split with my husband we involved no solicitor. We agreed that he had the car and I had the house contents, fair to both. We sold the house and as he had a good job and could get a good mortgage and I had little earnings and not good mortgage prospects [and I had to house our 2 boys]....we negotiated and I had a much larger share of the equity than him, he was happy with that. Why can't your H just play fair.....another example of his poor character.

As for having him and his D in to do work, why not just leave it and adjust the price of the house when you sell? It's not worth the heartache and stress to both of you. Some buyers [like me] like to finish jobs off themselves if they get a bit off the price. Scrambling after every last penny isn't very dignified or practical given the emotional price that may have to be paid. Don't let yourself be bulldozed into situations you are not at all happy with, think of yourself, make sure you do what you are ok with.

You have all been so kind and talk sense which is just what I need.

I opened my calendar today and got another flipping snowman, that's 3 now and I felt like crying - so stupid. I can't break the mug as I think I won't stop there at the moment if I start.

bluebird - you made me smile - Your H's appearance is what he chooses you to see, but he's just looking stupid and is not a 'catch' for the OW in any way but rather an emotionally unstable, cold and cruel partner

Just have all kinds of things in my head and maybe I am preparing myself for the worst case scenario so when/if it happens, I can deal with it a bit better. R&B - I like the idea of a conveyor belt.

I have given myself a few little pep talks in the ladies to pull myself together, it will work eventually again.

He's taken 2 weeks off work and I have a feeling they'll be going away for C/mas. We always went to other countries at this time of year. See, am doing it again!

My DS said to me last night, "Mum, we thought last C/mas was going to be the worst after everything that happened and it turned out to be the best, we'll have another good one this year but, we don't have to put a tree up this year".

He is amazing and I need to get myself sorted again now to show him my strength.

You are lucky to have DS. Why not sit down with him and make a fun list of stuff you do/don't want to do at Xmas? Like NOT putting up a tree, having champagne for breakfast on Xmas morning... Give each other a present challenge, something daft like a present starting with your initial for less than £5.

Mug quest! I suggest 'accidentally' leaving it in another dept ( if that's possible) . Give it to charity. Smuggle it into the bottom of the bin. Fill
It with paper lips... Oh the possibility are endless. Chin up chuck, waving my Pom Poms at you

Paper CLIPS

Dolly....the manager certainly isn't a 'happy unit'. Love that phrase. Wonder if she puts 'open advent calendars' in her daily schedule. Saddo!

I hearby start a competition to find the most inventive way for whatnext to 'lose' the 'jolly' mug.

Whatnext...hope you had an ok day. I think your ds has hit the nail in the head. You are under no pressure to do anything at all for Xmas. If you don't want a tree, don't have one. If you want to stay in pjs all day, that's fine. Start some new traditions- take away on Boxing Day? Church for carols on Xmas eve? Etc etc

We're going to my DB and SIL for C/mas, my new nephew is due this Monday (think that's why I have a lot of emotions at the moment too). My family will be joining us later in the day.

My DS is going away for a few days over New Year so I'll be on my own but not too worried about that at the moment.

I read back on some emails that H sent me in the summer hoping they'd help me, full of lies, telling me he was going out with colleagues after work, telling me he had to stay in London for the night and did I mind - it goes on. He lied for so long. I have to remind myself of that and the cruelty he did to me for over 2 months. He even had spare underwear in his bag, I thought it was because he was hot in the summer. It's all so seedy and I don't know the half of it. No wonder he's tormented by what he's done!

Those things are good to remember when you are feeling like you're missing him. Reminding yourself of how mean he was will help to remind you that him not being in your life is for a reason. You didn't deserve that and you don't need somebody in your life who can treat you with such utter disrespect. I just don't know if somebody that does those things ever feels fully guilty for them. They'd have twisted things on their head that it was different when they did it...not like other cheaters...they weren't big lies...etc etc

Go and wash the Xmas mug and it just slips out of your hands and smashes in the sink :-)

Your DS is continuing to be lovely. Treasure him and be proud of him. Since my H walked out my children and I have created new memories at Xmas - lots of tat, chocolate, lights etc - everything my H hated infact!!

Hump day today so on our way down to the weekend. What have you got planned. It is meant to hit zero in the south on Friday.

When I got my own house I bought Outside lights and reindeer and christmas tree ( All white and tasteful!!!!) as H wouldn't 'let us have outside lights!!

Could Mug go home with you 'by mistake'?

Oh yes...mug goes home with you then innocently ask 'anyone seen my jolly festive mug??? Must be somewhere?' Mrs.arse will spend ages looking for it :)

EBAY EBAY EBAY

Hey, cjel how you doing?

Your manager definately has one foot in the crazy tree doesnt she....as mad as a box of frogs. I had a manager I really hated once and I so wanted to give him a card I found which said on the front "Jesus loves you" and inside "but everyone else thinks you are a tosser" I once pretended a wall I was knocking down with a sledghammer was his head...very therapeutic it was too.

Id have a desk clear out, accidentally wrap the mug in waste paper and throw it in the bin! If you have a xmas meal does she insist you wear the hats out of crackers too...god I hate that!!!!!!!

You do need to hang on to how badly you H has behaved when you start looking back, we do tend to look back with rose tinted glasses and you will find it much easier once you hit the angry stage.

You are bound to be feeling unsettled by the birth of your nephew and I bet your family are worried about how it will affect you too - it is only natural.

Another day done though

Your son sounds lovely

Thank you bluesky, just wanted to make it a bit clearer, I'm not anxious about my nephew's birth for my losses, it's because his DSis passed away.

Stay positive...such a difficult time I know, mixed with excitement. Bitter sweet. X

It's an exciting busy time ahead what, let yourself enjoy your new nephew. Your family have had a heck of a crappy year, but you sound like you're a good bunch that love and support each other. You're lucky!! Hope baby arrives soon.

Can't you make yourself a "bah humbug" badge and wear it? Tell your boss you're a Jehovah's Witness ... depends on how well you can keep a straight face.

If its any consolation I did the same thing about 3 weeks ago - went through all EXP's emails - there weren't a of photos that I forwarded to my phone. It was very very sad.

Don't look at them again. It starts the mental questioning and, as my counsellor says, you might as well stop asking "why?" as you'll never know, so deal with the bereavement and self healing. Bloody easier said than done though!

I step forward , one step back, but you will go forwards again .

Nephew is arriving on Monday.

I was looking through emails today when things weren't right with us and his were so cold, it was to help me get angry and back on track. I just think it's incredibly sad. I can't look at emails/texts etc when things were good, it would torture me. So many memories. I'll get there again.

How you doing what - it's a month since you started this thread. Time has moved on , how are you feeling today? It's windy and horrible out there. Hope you're warm!!

Hello, I am afraid I have round 2 of the cold. Sweating and shivering and knackered again Emotionally I am great thanks RandB. Hope you ladies are doing ok>?

Oh cjel you poorly chicken , here have a hot honey and lemon.

My EXP's EW sent me an email today telling me he's a broken man. WTF? Why should I (or she) actually give a flying f**k? He shattered both of us into tiny pieces and plays the broken man? More fool her.

Maybe things with yoga lady aren't going to plan. Diddums.

Woukd you like me to bob round with some tissues and some paracetamol? Xx

So sorry what - thought I was posting in my own thread! bloody meds

Apologies, how was your week ?