Whatnext074 - thread continued

[Whatnext074]

I would firstly like to thank everyone who has offered me support, even those who did so silently on my last thread 1880152-Oh-God-Just-looked-up-H-OW-on-FB-feel-sick

I don't know how to convert the link - I have ticked the box but not sure it's worked.

Thank you for all the pms since too asking how I am.

My previous thread is long so some background: Was with my H for 11 years, we were very close and although we had traumas out of our control, I never doubted that we wouldn't be together forever.

In the space of 9 months, we lost 4 babies in the family, 2 of them our own. We remained close and supported each other.

My H suddenly changed, he turned from a loving, caring man into a stranger who was verbally abusive and aggressive and scared me. He continually denied having an affair when I asked and blamed me for the way he was. I thought he was having a breakdown (I still do).

I found evidence that he was having an affair with a colleague and I told him to leave, he's still with OW. I am so heartbroken and at times, I didn't actually think I would make it to the next day. One particular night a few weeks ago, I believe MNers did save me, just to know there were people there who cared and offer advice.

I have a DS (my H is his SF) who has been so worried about me and I am trying so hard to get myself better.

I have had so many pms from MNers who have asked me to start another thread so I am. I am so utterly grateful for all the support I have been given. I am not completely out of the darkness yet but I hope I don't get as bad as I have been recently.

I'm the same as itwill, 18 months on and still want to email him and tell him exactly what I think of him. Get it all down on paper, use Word , save it. Don't send it.

I think I linked you to "The Leaver and The Left" previously. It explains how the leaver has already moved on and they don't understand your pain and expect you to get over it.

When I told XH I was struggling, he replied, so am I. I replied, I dont know why, you got what you wanted!

When I told XH that my grandad died, he didn't even reply. they simply don't care any more.

Regarding the house, finances etc, he can say what he likes, but you will get what you are entitled to by law.

Hi what hope you manage to get through the day. You must be shattered. Small steps, eat a nice dinner and an early night. He's going to play games. Right, do you know that, be prepared for more. You'll be more prepared next time.

Dolly...love that!!! Hilarious :) but yes, not such a child friendly name and not the done thing to let tour child know their dad is in actual fact a c-u-next-Tuesday :)

It would appear that he was left wondering what was going on with me as I have kept thngs so close to my chest

He lost the right to know what is going on with your emotions when he behaved so badly - it seems much as it annoys him when you are hurt, confused and needy it throws him out of kilter when you appear to be in control - tough shit you dont need to justify yourself to him any more. If he had decided to tell you he was unhappy, tempted to have an affair and had gone to councelling with him then it would be right to discuss it...he didnt he treated you like shit until he forced you to look for reasons and discovered his OW - they do this on purpose as they are too weak and inarticulate to tell you with words.

Onwards and upwards - dont let him drag you back down! If he is trying to reduce your settlement then a "OK we will have to let the solicitors thrash it out" will do.

It is tempting to let them know how much of an arse you think they have been and let off steam a bit but honestly although it makes you feel better short term turning a cool shoulder on them frustrates them enormously and long term will feel more dignified to you.

Easy to say as an uninvolved observer - glad no email existed when I had my break up as im sure I would have been unable to resist tearing him to tiny bloody ribbons with my words

Hope you're tucked up in bed what like me

Hope your day today has been better.
Trust in the fact that the day will come when this all starts to hurt less and be less upsetting for you. Forgive yourself for the shorts and photos... You're only human and dealing with a lot.
It might cheer you to know my xh came round tonight to collect a family heirloom piece of shite (I'm moving soon hopefully) and I was able to be perfectly pleasant, yet still look at him and wonder what the hell I ever saw in him....

Thank you to everyone for caring. I've taken a few steps back and have all kinds of things going round my head now when I felt so focussed (sp) for weeks.

Sadly, my DS has seen me a bit down and looked worried but he said, "Mum, you've been so strong for ages, you're allowed a bad few days".

I need to pick myself up again.

So now you will pick yourself up, and take those few steps forward, when you're ready. In the meantime, just concentrate on getting through each day, but do try to do something each day that you enjoy - a dance while you're doing the ironing listening to music (no miserable stuff!) or watching a comedy film that you love. Anything that gives you a bit of a lift.
Keep going, you can do it.

Your ds is spot on. You have been so strong and a few 'down' days (especially after the weekend) are to be expected and ok. Don't be too hard on yourself.

Hugs x

I would be more worried if you didn't feel low after the weekend and all that went on then. Go with the flow, spoil yourself for a few days and you will pick up again when you are restedxx

I played Buble's, 'Baby Please Come Home for Christmas' on a loop last year as I loved the tune. My H got fed up of it, in a jokey way as I sang along. I heard it play on the radio this morning and turned it off quickly as it made me so sad but it's in my head all day.

I have been made to use a Christmas mug at work by my boss. I didn't yesterday and she got cross and made fun of me for the rest of the day to the rest of the team. I didn't say anything about it but felt like dropping it on the floor and smashing it. I also have to open my advent calendar at a certain time each day that my boss bought for the team - forced festivity! It's not even done in a nice way.

Plus, I am thinking the worst and I can't get it out of my head. My H's OW is older than me, my H was/is in a state over our lost little ones, what if she is with him as this is her last chance to fall pregnant?? He's much younger than her, professional and an excellent earner so would be a catch for her, why else would she put up with the mess he is now? What if he wants that too - a baby that will survive to heal his wounds? I'm so worried.

He sobs and says he doesn't deserve me and he's gone too far, why do that to me unless she is,,,,,I can't even bear to think of it.

Ok, very very easy for me to say but you have to rein those thoughts in. If they did have a baby...huge, huge if...you cannot control it. Therefore, the anxiety is useless. Can you change it if it happens? No. What would you do?? You'd have to cope with it. Is it worth losing sleep over now? No because it hasn't happened. One day at a time, deal with what is happening now.

Your boss sounds like an absolute controlling arse. Don't suppose you can put a blob of super glue on the handle if her festive mug? Oops! How did that get there. I'd 'smash' the mug accidentally on purpose and start using a new one with 'bah humbug' on it just to piss on her parade.

Your boss sounds horrid. , Have you tried to limit the amount of time you allow yourself to think about H and OW. I had a friend who I lived with and if I went on too long about everything she actually used to say 'enough - change the subject'!!!

spending time going over a million different scenarios about 'their' life is so painful and draining. It will be stopping you live happily a he really doesn't deserve that much of your time does he?

I am not underestimating the difficulty of doing this when you feel low but the effort to stop it is well worth itxxx

Mate I think that is one of those thoughts you need to sweep out of your head, it will drive you crazy.

You need to focus on you and the honest truth is even if that did happen, she would be with a man who when life hits the bumps in the road, which it always does eventually, becomes abusive and distant rather than supportive and loving

I have other friends who have been in that situation, it is horrendous but they have picked themselves up and got over it - like you they are good people who didnt deserve this

I think the way you have been feeling this week, following contact with him again, underlines that the best this for you is no communication - he is clear the marriage is over so there is nothing constructive for you in maintaining contact it just hurts you more.

I don't really talk about him with people much anymore. If they ask, I smile and say I'm doing okay.

The thought just came into my head, probably because it would be the worst case scenario for me and I am down at the moment because we should be buying C/mas presents for our little ones.

I was proud of myself over past few weeks as I realised I wasn't thinking of him (and definitely not her) much anymore but now it's all consuming again. Maybe the time of year, then mediation, then my birthday and we had made plans for that for past 4 years.

I know you're all right but it's just doing my head in wondering why he's such a mess and giving mixed signals to me but quickly following it up with, "I don't love you", then crying again.

They always give mixed signals at this stage but even if he did say tomorrow he wanted to come home, bearing in mind how apallingly he has behaved, would you ever be able to trust him again. It couldnt be the same cosy relationship, you would always be on edge as you now know he wasnt who you always believed him to be.

I think much as he keeps crying and wailing and saying how badly he feels - he is still trying to screw you over financially so he doesnt feel bad enough to at least try to end the marriage with some decency.

Honestly what you could dissect this for the rest of your life but there are no sensible answers, the guy lost the plot because he was weak. My friends who have done best since have given up on trying to analyse the whys of it, they are attractive, successful women with what they thought were good relationships - they now have good relationships with new men...in fact as a long term married myself they are sickeningly newly loved up currently.

Think about nice things that you would like to do and keep taking it one day at a time.

Thank you bluesky. You'll all help me get back on track like before.

My friend asked me on Saturday night if I would take him back and for the first time I said "no", and meant it but I've gone backwards since then. The trust has gone. I want to be strong again.

((Hug)) hi what

The others are right, it's not good for you to dwell on worst case scenarios. Things will /won't happen . You can't control any of it. You've helped me so much- what would you say to me? Come on r&b, turn your back on him, face the sunshine and think about yourself.

Think about it, if he was a mess and didn't want you to know about it then he would have shaved etc. but he didn't . He WANTS you to see him like that. It's game playing dint you think? You made yourself look even more gorgeous and amazing than usual . Because you're coping and looking forward. X

Thank you R&B and I'm glad things are feeling a bit better for you.

He wants everyone to see how he is 'suffering' - it's so sad.

I'll get there again, keep telling myself. Might help to smash my stupid snowman mug!

Smash it smash it smash it. Teeny tiny pieces. "Oops sorry, appeared to have broken my mug". Then proceed to eat ALL your frigging advent calendar chocolates in one go !

Hi What

I just wanted to drop you a note to say that I understand your fears about a pregnancy. As I may have referenced, my ex left in middle of IVF, 8 weeks after a medical termination and a year or so after ectopic pregnancy.

Along with dealing with (what was then likelihood, now fact given its 3 years later) or not having a second longed for child, I was consumed with terror that they would have a baby. The thought would eat away at me and I thought it would kill me if they did.

I can't say what I would have felt if it had happened then -- its still a possibility as she is younger than me - but, 3 years later, if she did get pregnant I think my principle feelings would be:-1. nice for my son to have a blood sibling 2. does that mean child support will get even crappier :)

Of course there would be other feelings too but I want you to know that like everything, things lose their intensity and edge.

But mainly, I just wanted to say that I have felt and understand that fear and give you a big hug xx

Thank you for thinking of me Dolly. I do remember the sad time you mentioned. I know I'm torturing myself again and it's no good for me. I need to just try and focus what is fact at the moment and try and push these thoughts out of my head as it's no good for me but I guess it's a natural thing for me to go through.

Thanks for the hug xx

Morning what...

Hope you managed a s

...
A solid nights sleep and are ok this morning. It's true, the analysing and trying to second guess why this and why that is so unhelpful. We all do it though but it's about controlling it. It makes you feel bad so you have to try to wean yourself off.

I love r and b's idea if scoffing the chocolates all in one...or possibly move the calendar near to a radiator. Whoops- all the chocs have melted- how did that happen?!

Hope your day is ok.
X

what my dds father (not my handsome exp) moved out and married a younger work colleague 11 months later. He's 45, she's 35. No kids. So they bought a house and got married super fast... What comes next? Baby. They went on a belated (not sure why) honeymoon 3 months ago and I am just waiting for the announcement .

My first thought is he will spend less time with my girls and also he's a bit old. I feel sorry for her as he's the type to get up and leave for work and come home 8 hours later . Every day. They live in the middle of nowhere, her family aren't near. . I don't envy her. But I'm used to the idea, and I push it to the sides.

It's ok to acknowledge the crappy possibilities but don't let them crush you. My exp and his meditation (grr) would say let the thought drift in and then drift out, imagine a supermarket check out conveyor belt. It comes and it goes. You need your head space for your life, not his.

Nit sure why I'm waffling, I'll go drop the kids off now.

Hope your day isn't too bad.