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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Whatnext074 - thread continued

999 replies

Whatnext074 · 05/11/2013 19:57

I would firstly like to thank everyone who has offered me support, even those who did so silently on my last thread 1880152-Oh-God-Just-looked-up-H-OW-on-FB-feel-sick

I don't know how to convert the link - I have ticked the box but not sure it's worked.

Thank you for all the pms since too asking how I am.

My previous thread is long so some background: Was with my H for 11 years, we were very close and although we had traumas out of our control, I never doubted that we wouldn't be together forever.

In the space of 9 months, we lost 4 babies in the family, 2 of them our own. We remained close and supported each other.

My H suddenly changed, he turned from a loving, caring man into a stranger who was verbally abusive and aggressive and scared me. He continually denied having an affair when I asked and blamed me for the way he was. I thought he was having a breakdown (I still do).

I found evidence that he was having an affair with a colleague and I told him to leave, he's still with OW. I am so heartbroken and at times, I didn't actually think I would make it to the next day. One particular night a few weeks ago, I believe MNers did save me, just to know there were people there who cared and offer advice.

I have a DS (my H is his SF) who has been so worried about me and I am trying so hard to get myself better.

I have had so many pms from MNers who have asked me to start another thread so I am. I am so utterly grateful for all the support I have been given. I am not completely out of the darkness yet but I hope I don't get as bad as I have been recently.

OP posts:
mammadiggingdeep · 01/12/2013 21:01

Wish I could help out too. I would if I thought I could do an ok job at anything DIY-ish (as she puts down her cuppa on a wonky ikea coffee table that she managed to put together with a leg at a funny angle).....

redundantandbitter · 01/12/2013 21:06

Your leg? Or the table?

I'm getting better at DIY . DDs father is a practical type (hence no emotional capacity whatsoever ) . He did it all. Am
Now realising that I can do more than I think plus I found Paul the builder

mammadiggingdeep · 01/12/2013 21:11

Hahahaha!!!! You've got visions of me with a dodgy leg, hobbling around putting an ikea table together haven't you?! No, the table has a wonky leg, not me (wobbly legs after a few vino's). Paul the builder...that sounds like a whole other thread...

redundantandbitter · 01/12/2013 21:24

Nooo Paul the builder is a decent bloke but just had a baby with GF and takes the piss out of me a bit - but like my brothers . (Must be easy!).

Original poster
Whatnext074 · 01/12/2013 21:35

Oh God, what is happening to me?? I'm now in an angry email argument with H.

My dignity is gone, I'm a mess this weekend.

OP posts:
skyeskyeskye · 01/12/2013 21:47

Step away from the email ! Now!

Been there, done that. You feel better for five minutes for offloading, but you will feel worse in the long run.

Keep your dignity and ignore. Don't hook into it, as my counsellor would say.

mammadiggingdeep · 01/12/2013 21:55

Oh no...look, don't worry. It was bound to happen. Seeing him has unleashed all the anxiety and upset again.

Try to stop replying now though. Stay on here instead maybe...

mammadiggingdeep · 01/12/2013 22:05

U ok whatnext?

itwillgetbettersoon · 01/12/2013 22:16

Are you ok? Tomorrow will be better I'm sure. Ignore him he is a shit.

Zhx3 · 01/12/2013 22:27

Please disengage. And remember remember to please put yourself and your ds first. He's trying to get under your skin. It probably pissed him off to see how together and fab you were looking on Saturday. Because he is losing control of you and that angers him?

Please disengage! Automatically send his emails to another folder for another time.

I wouldn't be surprised if your h will use this angry exchange as an excuse to challenge your mental health Sad. Look at this article (although it is depressingly familiar):

On Labelling Women "Crazy"

Zhx3 · 01/12/2013 22:30

Here's a paragraph cut and pasted from that article, for you to think about:

""Crazy" may well be the most insidious one of the four because it encompasses so much. At its base, calling women "crazy" is a way of waving away any behavior that men might find undesirable while simultaneously absolving those same men from responsibility. Why did you break up with her? Well, she was crazy. Said something a woman might find offensive? Stop being so sensitive."

Original poster
Whatnext074 · 01/12/2013 22:37

He's stopped emailing.

I was careful in what I put but plain to see I was angry. I was careful just to put facts but I admit that I did get personal in the last one.

It would appear that he was left wondering what was going on with me as I have kept thngs so close to my chest but I think I might have blown that now by showing my emotions to him. I was angry but he was angry too and far from the 'poor me' facade he has been keeping up.

I can't help it, these past few days have been so challenging and I am tired of it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Whatnext074 · 01/12/2013 22:38

Zhx3 - oh dear what have I done?

OP posts:
cjel · 01/12/2013 23:03

WHAT, Don't panic!!! this too will pass rememberSmile This is a bad few days for so many reasons, so don't add worry about them to make the week bad. Bed, sleep, new day!!! You are still doing great - we all have wobbles one way or another and all get through them. There is nothing wrong with you your behaviour is all normal. Have a good nights restxx

itwillgetbettersoon · 01/12/2013 23:06

I wouldn't worry about it too much What. We have all done the same I'm sure. Even 18 mths later I still want to send my STBXH an email telling him exactly what I think. I won't - as I've already done that 16 mths ago!

You have to remember that he has had months to move on. Once you found out about ow he had already moved on. They have too in orderto justify their behaviour.

Go to bed and tomorrow is a new day. No contact from now on - you will feel so much better.

mammadiggingdeep · 01/12/2013 23:11

Tomorrow is a new day.

Get back on track tomorrow. Take a day at a time and start the no contact again. Make a list of things you're going to do. Focus in yourself again, too much energy has gone on him this weekend.

Come on- when you fall off the horse you get back in the saddle.
Xxx

redundantandbitter · 01/12/2013 23:29

What the bleedin heck has he got to be angry about. He's got what he wanted, when he wanted with no concern for you. You have every right to be angry what but take it out on your pillow or his possessions no more emails. He could just be trying to goad you and then you say something you shouldn't and the next minute your emails are being produced to solicitors. I may be being cynical but switch the pink laptop off and go to bed. Ignore, detach.. All the previous advice. He's got stuff going on but it's his problem now. He has OW to help him out, you're doing f'ing brilliantly on your own. Must be making him think, no? Leave him to drown in his own mess. You will rise again, Phoenix x

Original poster
Whatnext074 · 01/12/2013 23:40

He just made me angry saying that he could take more money out of settlement and leave me with far less than he's offering and he's being fair and doing the right thing.

I told him the news that we had on Friday and he didn't say a word. I took it as being unemotional and told him that and he said he was far from unemotional and I only see what I want to see. He didn't say anything about it though and I felt he had a right to know.

I'll try and start again tomorrow.

Thank you again xx

OP posts:
redundantandbitter · 01/12/2013 23:47

You can give him the info but you can't make him react - he's probably mentally numb/shut down with all that he's done recently. Chances are he can't see past his own 'pain' let alone see yours or your family. Don't dwell.

He's arsing around over money coz he can. Don't let him
Play mind games. It's upsetting you and it works for him if you're feeling unbalanced.

Get back up, go to sleep, go NC and let us know how you are in the morning. You are stronger than him .

myroomisatip · 02/12/2013 00:36

Awwww

I fell for all that shit myself, saying what he was going to do, going to take, how I would have nothing!!

Well, it is all just hot air really. Dont give it head space. I hope you are sleeping now. (hug)

Zhx3 · 02/12/2013 00:59

You haven't done anything!

So what if you got angry, it's justifiable. I just wanted to make you aware - if it happens - how he might twist your anger and use it against you.

And if he does - remember it's part of "the script", so he's not even being remotely original, and it's no reflection on you!

Hoping tomorrow will be a better day for you. Agree with the others who recommend no contact - he upsets you so much. Well done for being so strong so far. A wobble now and then is human Brew.

Original poster
Whatnext074 · 02/12/2013 07:41

A night waking up in cold sweats, haven't had that for so long. Feel awful today but know that I need to get back on track.

Baby steps and I'll get there again. Thank you for all your support.

OP posts:
downunderdolly · 02/12/2013 09:16

Hi What. Sorry you had a not very nice sleep. Just some practical suggestions that helped me:-

  1. you can forward his emails to a new folder in your emails (not your regular inbox) -- you can then make a time to look at them when you feel up to it.
  1. I do the above. I also have a rule that I break quite a lot but am getting better at - wait at least 24 hours from receiving email to replying - VERY hard to do at beginning but helps in not being knee-jerk (my default personality even before this is to respond too emotively without thinking)

Has helped me enormously and I really like not having his name pop in my email inbox - less disruptive. Childish but a I have to email to a 'new' address specially created for me "[email protected]" I have given it a nickname (currently dumb and dumber) to make me laugh when I DO see a message (childish but they don't see it and again it takes the edge off).

Huge love
Dolly x

mammadiggingdeep · 02/12/2013 10:21

Dumb and dumber....dolly you rock :)

Whatnext...go right back to basics today. Chunk of time at a time. Get through the morning. Then lunch. Then afternoon. Then journey home. Then tea. And so on. You'll soon be ok again.

We're all here for you. Post here instead if contacting him. Detach. Detach. Detach.

Flowers for you. Wish I could give you a real bunch to make you smile.

downunderdolly · 02/12/2013 10:50

mama - thankyou - I've progressed to there from CuntyCuntofferson & Co (but changed as worried that son may look over my shoulder and ask what the word is :)

What. More flowers from downunder....hope you have a better day my love x

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