Whatnext074 - thread continued

[Whatnext074]

I would firstly like to thank everyone who has offered me support, even those who did so silently on my last thread 1880152-Oh-God-Just-looked-up-H-OW-on-FB-feel-sick

I don't know how to convert the link - I have ticked the box but not sure it's worked.

Thank you for all the pms since too asking how I am.

My previous thread is long so some background: Was with my H for 11 years, we were very close and although we had traumas out of our control, I never doubted that we wouldn't be together forever.

In the space of 9 months, we lost 4 babies in the family, 2 of them our own. We remained close and supported each other.

My H suddenly changed, he turned from a loving, caring man into a stranger who was verbally abusive and aggressive and scared me. He continually denied having an affair when I asked and blamed me for the way he was. I thought he was having a breakdown (I still do).

I found evidence that he was having an affair with a colleague and I told him to leave, he's still with OW. I am so heartbroken and at times, I didn't actually think I would make it to the next day. One particular night a few weeks ago, I believe MNers did save me, just to know there were people there who cared and offer advice.

I have a DS (my H is his SF) who has been so worried about me and I am trying so hard to get myself better.

I have had so many pms from MNers who have asked me to start another thread so I am. I am so utterly grateful for all the support I have been given. I am not completely out of the darkness yet but I hope I don't get as bad as I have been recently.

Hi what are you still going out tonight with your friends? X

He is something else, he really is. Self-pitying, pathetic, selfish person.

YOU make him suicidal??? What a fucking nerve.

You need to preserve yourself and detach, detach, detach. Get Xmas out if the way and when 2014 is here you can begin to work out what it is you want, divorce wise. What a cheek to say you've got money because you have a laptop!!! You should've fibbed and said a lovely friend brought it for you. None of his bloody business.

Hope you're ok after a very tough few days...

Hugs as always xx

Just checking you're ok what ? X

I hope you had a nice evening with your friends. X

Friends helped, I didn't talk about today but some friends who were there hadn't seen me for a while and said I look amazing, they looked genuinely shocked at how I looked which was nice. My H also looked shocked when I opened the door, am definitely managing to pull off the faking it until I make it.

Thank you for your support as always.

It's sad, the "strong, independent woman" that my H asked where she went months ago is back. It's just sad. I think he's making the best of a bad situation by being with OW. He should have talked to me before he did this, he said I wouldn't change but I have.

Morning whatnext...
Glad you had a nice evening with your friends- good for the soul. So great they think you looked good- that's a great boost! :)

What are you up to today? How are you feeling this morning? You've had a rough couple of days and a build up to it too.
X

Morning what - you do sound strong Independant and gorgeous. And lovely friends for telling you so!

Glad you went out, it's so easy to sit in , on your own,and wallow. After a week like yours that would have been perfectly understandable . It's good to have friends to distract and compliment you.

It's a shame your h couldn't help you back to being the woman he missed and instead choosing to turn his back on you. His loss, hun, his loss.

What are you up to today ? Me and the DDs are off up but advent calendars (oops bit late).

Am just going to do some chores today. I already bought my DS an advent calendar and bless him, for the first time he bought me one too.

Yesterday has set me back, raised more questions for me that I know will never get answered. I probably won't see him now until mediation in January. I think I know that I need to divorce now.

A close friend of mine thinks he is regretting what he's done but knows he can't come back to me so he's carrying on with the life he's made. Why would any new woman put up with him in such a state and looking terrible. You can put on the tears for sympathy but you can't hide an unkempt beard and in desperate need of a haircut. Especially in his corporate world, his appearance is so important.

Your lovely DS !

Your h is going through his issues and you are going through yours. You will never know quite whet the other is thinking/feeling. Don't spend too much time thinking of him hun.

It's his choice to look unkempt. If work, OW, parents don't say anything then don't worry. It's not hard to get a haircut or shave. He's choosing not to. Let him. Good for you looking hot!

Enjoy your day

Your ds is such a cutie :)

Yes, the feeling of setback is to be expected. All you can do is pick yourself up, dust yourself off and keep on keeping on. I know it's hard.

Who knows what he really thinks/feels. Perhaps he is in such a muddle that even he doesn't know. As harsh as it is, all you can think is that he regretted it, he would tell you that. Spending time analysing, guessing and speculating takes energy from you that you need for YOU. He looks a mess outwardly because he's a mess inwardly...he knows that he has devastated your world and he's have to be a really nasty person not to be suffering a bit.

Hope you're day is ok so far...
Hugs xx

I don't think he's in a muddle, I think he's playing a part. Mind you, self-deception has a nasty habit of outing itself - so he could be playing the part in his head but his 'knower' is giving him jip.

Whatever, he deserves any disquiet that may be going on with him. If he hadn't been exceptionally cruel I would have more space for him. As it is, I have none.

But that's me and not you, What. I hope you're getting the chance to smooth your feathers today. Your DS is a lovely chap isn't he [tchsmile]

I'm really struggling today. Have that skin burning feeling back again. It's really set me back and messed with my head.

:( oh what...
Sorry to hear that. What can you do to help? Have you been out? I know it's cliche but could you wrap up warm and go for a nice brisk walk?

Why not get your pj's on, pour a nice glass of wine, open some chocs and stick the telly on?
Nurture yourself lovely. I've just been reading back through the last couple of days and really feel for you.
He looks like shit and is crying because he feels sorry for himself. Seeing you looking gorgeous has probably added to his self inflicted misery. Guilt too is probably eating away at him and the fact he has brought it all on himself. But there's probably no point in second guessing as you are taking valuable energy away from you.
You are worth so much more. Be kind to yourself what. Xx

Hey there. This is why you can't have him in and out if your house - you were anxious before hand and now you're struggling today. He's upsetting your hard earned balance. Don't let him. If he looks crisp then that's his choice. Don't let him affect you. You're doing good. Ok, this is a little stap back, but you are gorgeous and fabulous and can allow the burning to happen today. Then get some sleep and tomorrow will look a little brighter x

Yep, back to basics. Hour by hour, day by day until you're back on track.

X

I did go out but only to the supermarket and I found that really hard.

The thing is, my H left some DIY things unfinished in the house and some of them really need sorting out very soon. He needs to come and finish the urgent things and as his behaviour was so unpredictable before he left, my solicitor letter said I needed to be in the house when he came. In case he took or threw things out.

He refuses to pay for a workman to come in and do the jobs as he says it's too expensive and he can do the jobs himself.

I think I have mentioned this before on here but now the jobs really need to get done as they've been left too long.

Can't believe how much yesterday set me back.

That's a catch 22 situation.
Jobs need doing, he's not doing them, wont pay someone else and you can't afford to either. What a git. Is there anyone else that could help you - even just a bit? Your DB?

Right- lets get practical. Are they big jobs? Would your brother/Bro in law be able to help? ...don't want to be making generalisations, maybe you have a handy girlfriend? Maybe one of their partners would do some of the work ? Failing that could you stretch to paying for any of the jobs? It would be awful for you to have him in the house again. No contact is the only way forward for you...x

They are big jobs. One of them, he was going to pay for a contractor to do but yesterday he told me that he will do it himself and my FIL will need to help him so I'll have the 2 of them here!

My DB's baby is due in a week but really none of my family want to do anything in my house because they just want me out of here as quick as possible which I understand.

Bollocks...what are you thinking then? Do you think you can grin and bear it and have them there to do the work? Poor u. This is all gonna deaf out isn't it? Feel for you so much x

• drag out. Damn phone x

I feel for you too . You can't really have EXH and FIL in house together surely? You'd have to be there to make sure they don't trash / take anything to make tea etc but that's going to be excrutiatingly crappy. Hmmm

I know they won't make tea or anything like that. I don't want to see my FIL so don't know what to do. Especially as I stabbed my MIL's face in the photos. I told my H about that as he saw them and I just said I lost my temper, he said he wasn't judging and just took them all with him.

You don't need to explain to him, or us. Your IL's have been shitty too. Stabbing her in the photo isn't a crime we've all done it. Really wish I could help you out with the DIY