Whatnext074 - thread continued

[Whatnext074]

I would firstly like to thank everyone who has offered me support, even those who did so silently on my last thread 1880152-Oh-God-Just-looked-up-H-OW-on-FB-feel-sick

I don't know how to convert the link - I have ticked the box but not sure it's worked.

Thank you for all the pms since too asking how I am.

My previous thread is long so some background: Was with my H for 11 years, we were very close and although we had traumas out of our control, I never doubted that we wouldn't be together forever.

In the space of 9 months, we lost 4 babies in the family, 2 of them our own. We remained close and supported each other.

My H suddenly changed, he turned from a loving, caring man into a stranger who was verbally abusive and aggressive and scared me. He continually denied having an affair when I asked and blamed me for the way he was. I thought he was having a breakdown (I still do).

I found evidence that he was having an affair with a colleague and I told him to leave, he's still with OW. I am so heartbroken and at times, I didn't actually think I would make it to the next day. One particular night a few weeks ago, I believe MNers did save me, just to know there were people there who cared and offer advice.

I have a DS (my H is his SF) who has been so worried about me and I am trying so hard to get myself better.

I have had so many pms from MNers who have asked me to start another thread so I am. I am so utterly grateful for all the support I have been given. I am not completely out of the darkness yet but I hope I don't get as bad as I have been recently.

Oh What. Cry him a fucking river. HUGE hugs xx

Then he will be learning there are consequences to the events he set in motion weeks ago. One being that his room is too small for his possessions, which is his problem to solve.

You aren't a storage depot. He doesn't live there.

You are not responsible for his feelings or the way he is living his life now. Stay strong. X

Where he lives now is not your problem. You're not responsible for his things hun. Why is he in one room without a TV? Are you supposed to feel sorry for him?

He has OW, friends, parents to dump stuff with. He needs to be organised. Crying isn't going to help.

Depending on how you are feeling you could a) leave him to it or b) go up there with a couple of cups of tea and say 'would you like a hand?'. Ok, option b) might be hard.., depends on your frame of mind today . But he doesn't diund like he's getting on with the job to me.

Deep breaths hun, he looks shit. We know you look fabulous! Xxx

I offered him tea but he only wants water. He's cold to me, I asked him not to be and he said he's just getting it done. He needs help, but not from me. He's coming in now.

He's gone to the dump now and is coming back to talk about mediation.

If he has finished clearing al his stuff from you house you can say you will talk about mediation but if he hasn't tell him he is to do that. and then if you still want him in you house you have the choice about talking about mediation or not.you may prefer to leave it for today and do it on a day you feel stronger, or you may decide that you don't need to discuss mediation - you either do it or you don't.

Remember to look after yourself. One minute he is weeping and wailing the next going to the dump. The tears are designed to get your reaction - don't give him the satisfaction.

Do what you need to take care of WHAT todayxx

yes, please remember that you have choices. if you don't want to talk about mediation whilst you are naturally upset and had an awful yesterday (and you may not be in the right space to do so) you can politely say (if you do need to talk) can we do it another time, I will email you. please don't get railroaded into doing something traumatic right now. xx

Last night was completely natural what - you are still an inspiration to a lot of us lurking and de-lurking on this thread. Stay strong today - and diddums to no TV - what an arsehole!!

How you doing now??

Cryi g for himself again?? Arse.

Well done for getting through it.
X

We already know he's a heartless twat... Sorry but it has to be said. He could at least have the kindness to take it away and not throw sentimental items away .

My ex shoved everything I gave him in his loft. Git

One day they will have to look at the things.. But upstairs in your house is not the time/place.

Is he still there?

He's gone.

He cried and cried, I asked him why. He said he has to live with everything he's done every day and at some point in the day he always thinks "what have I done". But, he's still with OW. I asked if he intends to move in with her and he said he doesn't know yet. Said her tenancy is up in the spring and she has to move then so they need to talk about it (that hurt).

Said he doesn't deserve to be a part of my life at all. Said twice that he doesn't love me. Said he used to love me completely but simply fell out of love with me because he wasn't strong enough to deal with the things that happened to us. Said he was faithful all through our marriage - still doesn't see that he is having an affair now.

He got angry a few times, said I say things just to damage his mental health and he's only sobbing when he's with me as I say things to hurt him and it's not fair (!)

I felt sorry for him a few times but then realised that he's still blaming me for his mental state. Said he doesn't know if he would kill himself as he only feels like that when I make him - so that is it, still blaming me and refusing to see what he's done even though he protests through tears that he lives with his deceit every day.

He took some of our wedding photos (?) said they are part of his life. He didn't throw out the things I bought him for our wedding, says he's keeping them.

Again said he had no obligation to pay for any bills, even though he left me with most of them.

I'm exhausted.

Aww fucking boo hoo.

How dare he blame you for making him cry

I hope you have put the rest of his man crap in bin bags. He needs to stop coming round and crying all over you, messing with your head and emotions.

His wardrobe is empty now.

He even said to me that I must have money as I have bought a laptop for myself when he left a perfectly working pc here for me to use. I don't want to be stuck in a corner using a pc and he took our laptop.

I feel sick.

I know now they are staying in posh hotels and he said it's none of my business. I'm his wife!

All the tears are for my benefit, even though he says he's tortured. He still has the anger there for me. He denied it and then straight away started crying again.

But - he does look a bloody state, and stinks of fags. Hair hasn't been cut for ages and he has a full beard.

I'm not surprised you are exhausted. H really hasn't been fair to you at all has he? Try to put those conversations out of your mind. He doesn't deserve any more of your brain now does he.?

Can you have something to eat and then put a film on and sleep this afternoon? You have had a draining couple of days(((Hugs)))

Hard, hard day. Well done for getting through. Crying, bring cold And then talking about moving in with OW in spring? No wonder you're a bit f'ed off. You've had a crappy few days. What are going to go now? - whack on the heating and veg on the sofa for a couple of hours... Rest up. It's emotionally exhausting. Lets hope it's the last time.

So he's doing the John the Baptist wilderness look is he.

so everyone will look at him and say 'the poor man! Look at the state he's in!' But what you get and see is the true story: the manipulation, the crocodile tears. I've said it already but this is all show - to paint a different picture to the true picture: which is that he left his solid marriage and devoted wife to shag a bit of stuff; he had a sordid affair. And he's blaming you for it

All that could have been achieved - a house empty of all his stuff - without him stepping foot in the house. I dread to think what it must have been like to have him in your safe space, weeping and carrying on, drowning in self-pity, blaming and blaming you, for over an hour. I truly dread to think - with you at an excruciating pitch already.

pleeeease don't let there be a next time. Do see how well you were doing and, along with the awful family situation, you plummetted to a frightening place at just the thought of seeing him again. You don't have to dance to his tune ie see him when he says so. He doesn't want you to divorce him because he knows you'll cite adultery and he'll have to pay for it. so what is there to see him about? He wants mediation so he can fill up the 6 months to put you off filing, that's all. He has said he doesnt see why he should pay the bills, he is bringing precisely zero to the table; while at the same time piling on yet more shit. You are on a rack in anticipation of these truly dreadful visits which bring no solace or resolution for you, only more heartache and agony to add to the pile

My STBXH must have read the same script as yours. I was blamed for his mental state as the things I said, like 'your children miss you' made him feel sick and killing himself. In the end I decided I was never going to make him apologise or see how much hurt he had caused so stopped texting him. We only communicate about the kids now.

It still amazes me how people who have affairs are able to move on so bloody quickly and never say sorry for the mess they have caused.

Don't let him come to the house anymore it just isn't on. You are doing so well. At least today is over with and tomorrow is a new start. Can you move the wardrobes round so that 'his' one isn't his anymore.

Hugs to you.

I pointed out that he's never actually said sorry and he said I can see from his tears that he's sorry. He said he's very surprised that I haven't filed for divorce as he assumed I would after what he's done. Then he said maybe I'm not filing because I think it's what he wants so I am delaying. Sounds like something his parents would say.

He text me this afternoon saying he's sorry he couldn't hold it together and to believe him when he says he's sorry. He said he doesn't deserve to be any part of my world and he wants to deliver some kind of closure for me so that I can build something more than he could give (?)

What I don't understand is if he's with OW, why does he look so sh*t? He desperately needs a haircut and his beard is now so unkempt. He used to be such a good looking man and always cared about his appearance. When you're with someone, especially in the early days, you make an effort and look your best.

He took your laptop?!

Tell him that you will report this theft to the police if he does not return it intact.

He looks so shit because he is playing a specific part is this drama - the hard done by husband.

If he was really sorry, he would not have taken your laptop, blamed you, refused to pay the bills etc. Its just words. Actions speak louder than words.

He bought the laptop when we were together for our use and took it when he left as I have the pc. I didn't want to be sat in a corner using that so I bought a laptop myself.

How could any woman put up with a new man that looks so terrible?

Then he said maybe I'm not filing because I think it's what he wants so I am delaying

I can't count the times I said to ex 'I'm not like you' re being accused of doing something that he would do, something that just wasn't in my nature to do.

Perhaps he is showing the OW that he is a caring sort and feels shit about what he's done but, y'know, he had no choice and all

OR she's making him wait because she knows the situ and thinks eww.

OR he's turning it on with her, too, getting her to feel sorry for him.

Whatever he's doing, it's dull.

Yes, maybe he is doing it to show her that he really is a good man and is remorseful - maybe she feels she can save him. When that's gone, what do they have? It's not my problem, I think I know now what I need to do next year.

Whatnext074 - I know you have a lot of regular supporters on this this thread but I hope you don't mind me adding a comment. This is the last time you should allow this man access to your home. Anything of his remaining should now be dumped. He is violating your space with his nauseating self pity.

Next time he comments on any of your possessions, tell him it is none of his f*ing business what you buy for yourself.

End of.

You're right Holdthepage. Enough now, enough. Can't do it anymore, I'm moving on. Thank you