Whatnext074 - thread continued

[Whatnext074]

I would firstly like to thank everyone who has offered me support, even those who did so silently on my last thread 1880152-Oh-God-Just-looked-up-H-OW-on-FB-feel-sick

I don't know how to convert the link - I have ticked the box but not sure it's worked.

Thank you for all the pms since too asking how I am.

My previous thread is long so some background: Was with my H for 11 years, we were very close and although we had traumas out of our control, I never doubted that we wouldn't be together forever.

In the space of 9 months, we lost 4 babies in the family, 2 of them our own. We remained close and supported each other.

My H suddenly changed, he turned from a loving, caring man into a stranger who was verbally abusive and aggressive and scared me. He continually denied having an affair when I asked and blamed me for the way he was. I thought he was having a breakdown (I still do).

I found evidence that he was having an affair with a colleague and I told him to leave, he's still with OW. I am so heartbroken and at times, I didn't actually think I would make it to the next day. One particular night a few weeks ago, I believe MNers did save me, just to know there were people there who cared and offer advice.

I have a DS (my H is his SF) who has been so worried about me and I am trying so hard to get myself better.

I have had so many pms from MNers who have asked me to start another thread so I am. I am so utterly grateful for all the support I have been given. I am not completely out of the darkness yet but I hope I don't get as bad as I have been recently.

Sorry, didn't meant that last 'reply'. This has gone on long enough...
Even my xh had the decency to pay for storage of his stuff, and that's saying a lot! Don't touch anything else now. Go to bed and try to sleep. X

WHAT. take a breath and relax, the things you have done aren't you, they are your reaction to things that have happened today and brought up memories of his let down to you.

The things you have done are done. Don't let guilt make you feel bad. Clear up as much as you can. Bin the bad clothes and he won't notice. tidy a bit and then get some rest so you are not too shattered in the morning. How you feeling?

I can't breathe properly

You can. Breathe in slowly for a count of four and then out for 7. do that four times

Think of lovely nice things. You can do it you are strong .x

So what if you've ruined his clothes - he ruined your life. And he was cruel about it.

I honestly don't think ruining his clothes is any big deal at all - it harms no-one. I think it's great that your entirely appropriate and volcanic rage is coming out. What he's done has been so vile, I'm not surprised your rage is spilling out.

However, if it's freaking you out, as mineof says, take your bod up them stairs. It's your rage, you can do with it what you lile - rip up some more clothes if you like; punch the pillows, scream into them - up to you if the pillows are temporarily him and his family. Have a right royal blow-out if you like. It will pass, like a ferocious storm. You are in control of whether you let it out or not - this is for you, nobody else. Be quiet if you like - it's your call.

bin the photo of his family. You repeatedly said for him to take it, he didn't, you 'got rid of it' (as far as he's concerned). I wouldn't let him see what you have done to it - dump it in one of those big wheely bins at the back of shops. Jump on it first if you like - though careful of the glass.

You don't have to beg him to take his stuff, lovely - get rid of it in whatever way. he had the choice, he refused it, get rid of it.

Hold on What, you're doing great. You are in control here. Personally, if I were in your shoes, I wouldnt see him tomorrow - or ever if you like, it's up to you. Just thinking about seeing him has tipped you over the edge. You don't have to do this to yourself. You owe him nothing at all, you don't have to put yourself through it. It's been like preparing for the worst interview ever - and for what? There is absolutely nothing in it for you, it's all for him. As if you owe him anything! You don't need any tips - he can go fuck himself. He has done a heinous thing, you don't have to tip-toe around him.

Keep talking if it helps - I'm up for a bit and there will be others around. HOld on lovely - you've been great, you ARE great

What, I am following your thread and supporting you. Please, before you want to contact him spontaneously or rip his stinky shorts , try to count up to 10. It helps :)
Also, are you sure he does not take his things back because he wants to leave this house and not sell it?
Hope you do not have to deal with his tears tomorrow. I think you should leave the room if he does it to show him a cold shoulder. Hopefully he looks bad tomorrow and smelly ;)

On phone to Samaritans

what I hope you are ok.

Tomorrow morning. Bin the stuff you have damaged and tell him you can't find it. Tell him the picture broke. anything, just get rid of it if you dont want him to know. Then bag up everything else that belongs to him and put it outside and tell him to collect it.

You have been doing so well, this is a blip, an understandable one, but just a blip.

Try and calm yourself down, I hope the Samaritans have helped you.

Nothing can ever be as bad as your first post and you got through that. One step at a time. keep posting for support.

Thank you so much for posts and messages.

Samaritans helped.

Found out something really, really sad today - family wise. Don't want to drip feed but it's something I mentioned before and it set me back.

I wasn't suicidal but had knife in my hand while I destroyed his collage of photos and some clothes. He will be mad but then again, I haven't been the one sleeping with a colleague!

Okay - I know now I can't keep doing this. He needs to just leave! I can't have this every time. It will destroy me!

I hope he looks like shit.

I'm so sorry you've had some bad news in the family What. I don't remember what it is, but I'm glad you got to speak to the lovely Samaritans and you're feeling calmer. The Samaritans are brilliant, a real help in times of trouble

I too hope he looks at death's door. I'd rather you didn't see him at all, of course, but if you're going through with it, I hope you get the satisfaction of seeing he is hanging. yes yes you can't keep doing this. It has to be all about you, now - not him for goodness sake. He had his chance, he blew it. Your time now.

I hope you sleep well my lovely xxx

Thank you - I put the knife away. Scared myself at one point with my rage, not at all like me.

I will sleep and deal with tomorrow. Haven't cried for so long but it all came out tonight.

Ok. So you ripped his jumpers and cycling shorts and you're mad as hell at him and hurting dreadfully. He doesn't need to know. You've told us but he's none the wiser. He won't miss those jumpers. They're just not on his radar. So from now on those jumpers were just a trivial and private aberration. Say nothing. Don't apologise to him. Just forget it. We have.

Please get set to and bag all his stuff up. Leave it outside. Don't engage with him. You had a blip and told us and the Samaritans but he doesn't need to know anything except that you are doing ok and forging ahead with building your new life. Which, although you may not realise it, is exactly what you are doing by surviving each day.

Whatnext! So sorry you've had such a rough evening!!!

Please don't feel bad about damaging his stuff- bloody twat should have had the respect to move it when you asked. He has betrayed you terribly- you ripping a few jumpers and damaging some photos doesn't come close.

Throw the damaged goods a black sack and put them in the wheelie bin. Don't mention them. I know you're an honest person but really, he doesn't need to know unless he spots them missing. Blimey, he's lived without it all for 11weeks, how important is this stuff to him?? Don't tell him if he doesn't ask as its something he could use to make you feel bad with.

Hope you feel better this morning. Please be forceful about him taking it today- help him bloody bag it up if he complains its too much, offer your car as a second vehicle if he says his cars too small...

Holding your hand and cheering you on today darling...

xx

Morning What

Not posted for a while but have been reading and keeping up with your progress.

So sorry you had a bad evening - from my own experience it does happen and yes you do flip out. I did similar when ex and I were in the process of seperating. For months and months until the house was sold there were his things everywhere including a study full of work stuff.

Oh and an expensive bike in the garage. One day it all got to much and I put nails through the back tyre knowing he was coming over to collect it and go cycling with OW. He just thought it was a puncture but of course we'd no repair kit (can't think where it went!!).

I will be thinking of you today - keep strong, think of the Mumsnet cheerleaders and hold your head up high xxx

There are so many similarities between what we have both been through/are going through - if you ever want to chat in private - PM me :)

Actually, you don't have to tell him anything about the missing items. YOu do not have to give an account. The bottom line is that you want his stuff OUT. You don't have to enter into a dialogue about it.

I hope you got some good sleep last night - nothing like the calm after a storm. You say it's 'not like you' but it really is good for the poison from an awful wound to come out. There are plenty of us who could do with being 'not like ourselves' lol! xx

Hello What

I'm so sorry you had such a shitty shitty day. I do hope that today is kinder to you. I'm reposting this my love...remember...

"There is light and there is darkness. There is always a bit of light. Stay with this light, just with that little bit. Don’t look for a bigger one. Stay with what you’ve got. It’ll grow. Stay with the small light. Very important. Stay with it. Don’t stay with what you haven’t got. Light is light"

You are full of light sweetheart. Try not to let him extinguish it for too long -- baby steps. I remember the dreadful feelings. They do dull with time I promise x

MOrning WHAT. I'm right here with you. Remember 'quiet dignity'xxx

Hi What I've been lurking for your last thread and this one and just popped on here to wish you luck this morning. Sorry you've had a bad evening, but he's pushed his luck sooo much so please don't feel too bad about what you did yesterday. and I didn't smirk at all when I read what you did to his daft cycling shorts I hope today isn't too stressful for you, and please remember you've got so many people on here cheering you on and holding your hand.

Hi what. Sorry been struggling to post - bloody phone.

Right , first things first. Come here, let me hug you, have a cry about yesterday - that was a hard hard day and I hear what you're saying. Your poor family x

Now - hope you slept and got rid of your rage. I had a shit day last Saturday but it led to days of calm so that helped in a funny way. Hope you are feeling less 'destructive' today. It's just clothes, he can buy more. Well done for being restrained!

Just let him in, don't say much , but he has to understand he can't keep tipping Up at your house, disrupting your free time and setting you back. It is a blip - but not nice all the same. Get the stuff out! Tip/bin/charity - his parents . He needs to take some bloody responsibility.

I am Standing next to you - giving him
My best hard stare (ooh and I can really STARE!)

what you have my 100% support and full understanding of why you reacted. Why wouldn't you in the circumstances? You have been restrained, civilised, reasonable, and communicative in the face of such provocation, unreasonable behaviour, coldness and pressure from H. You reacted, you are human, a human with feelings, you hurt - he has hurt you deeply. There are consequences to actions, we are not robots. Noone will think any less of you for having a wobble. Drastic times lead to drastic measures and you did what made you feel better. [And many have done much worse].

I echo the view of not mentioning anything damaged, just throw the lot away. Put the rest [absolutely everything now] in bin bags/boxes and take them outside [to help!] as he loads the car.

Tell him anything not taken today - he can do 2 trips and pick it all up from the outside, you don't even have to be there - will be disposed of. You sound real, determined and you've bloody had enough. Fix on a steely look, say little and remember all of us gunning for you - there in spirit as before. Good luck, you can do this and another issue will be sorted. X

He's been sorting his stuff out for an hour now upstairs. He looks shocking! He's crying but not for sorting through his things, because he says he only has a tiny room and no TV. He looks terrible.

what are you doing? are you able to pack up some of his stuff in another roomfor him. Remember how crap you felt yesterday and today,. It hasn't even touched him. save your compassion for those who need it. He is not caring for you only himself. Encourage him to get a move on.

Are you alright?x

I'm okay thanks. I was getting sick this morning, I can't do this again.

He's thrown out things I bought him for our wedding etc. Heartless but they are pointless now anyway.